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Free Frosty!

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From wire reports:

‎”You know thte story about how Frosty came to life, but do you know the story about how he took a wife?”…It is a sordid affair as kidnapping is a felony in the North Pole and he melted away in jail.

This is the official story, but sources close to LGM suggest a much darker tale; the case against Frosty the Snowman has been fabricated by the CIA in an effort to prevent the leak of thousands of damaging cables between Santa and the US government. These cables reportedly reveal “substantial levels” of cooperation between Santa and US authorities in the surveillance of domestic “subversive” groups, as well as collaboration against various European and Latin American governments. The cables purportedly reveal:

  • A CIA-sponsored execution attempt against Fidel Castro on Christmas 1965, using poisoned eggnog and an explosive Christmas tree.
  • CIA assistance of Mr. Claus’ infiltration of Che Guevara’s guerrilla organization in the winter and spring of 1967.
  • Santa’s release to the FBI of all data regarding “naughty or nice” activities of key members of the Students for a Democratic Society in 1968.
  • The December 1981 “Christmas Wish Letter” of Argentinian President Leopoldo Galtieri, apparently revealing plans to invade the Falkland Islands

“These revelations could be explosive,” said one retired CIA officer. “They open to scrutiny not only the most closely held secrets of the US government, but also the direct involvement of the Claus operation in the conduct of US foreign policy. But then, we always knew that this stuff was going to come out eventually. Frosty should be shot, then melted.”

Financial and legal analysts suggest that the consequence for Claus Inc. of the revelations could be devastating. Based on cursory examination of the documents (supplied by Wikileaks), Mr. Claus could face indictment in at least sixteen countries ranging from Eastern Europe to Latin America. Civil charges could also result. President Hugo Chavez has reportedly placed his defense network on full alert, anticipating Santa’s penetration of Venezuelan airspace.

Frosty the Snowman is reportedly being held in solitary confinement at an undisclosed location. A spokesman for Claus Inc. called Frosty “an ice cold deviant, mentally unstable and prone to hallucinations,” and indicated that prosecutors are considering charging Mr. the Snowman with kidnapping, assault, smuggling, and several other infractions.

h/t Poff the Magic Dragon.

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