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Ask an Apocalypse Specialist


Dear Dr. Farley,

In view of the impending financial distress, I’m worried about my cats. Should I stock up on cat food, or will it be available in post-apocalypse America?


Worried in Dubuque

Dear Worried in Dubuque,

No. You should concentrate on stocking up on firearms, clean water, and canned goods. Cat food will most certainly not be available in post-apocalypse America; any housecats will only be a drain on your resources. Your cats should be eaten at the first opportunity, followed by the eating of any surplus cat food. Most such food is edible by humans, and while you may be tempted to “fatten up” your cats, much of the energy in the cat food is lost when its eaten by the cat.

Dear Dr. Farley,

Will they need political scientists in post-financial apocalypse America?

Tenured at Texas Tech

Dear Tenured at Texas Tech,

No. They don’t need political scientists now, and certainly won’t need them after the apocalypse. I suggest you find a new profession, such as trapper, tanner, mercenary, or apocalypse specialist.

Dr. Farley, accredited* Apocalypse Specialist, has a twice-weekly column at lefarkins.blogspot.com. Update here.

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