The Dreamlife of Bush Fluffers
By John Cole offers an amusing round-up of the dead-enders trying to defend the GOP in the wake of the Foley scandal. (See also Dave.) Lots of classics, but I think there’s no question that indefatigable Bush hack Tom Maguire emerges as the champion. Admittedly, Maguire had some standard-issue attempts to blame a nefarious media-Democratic conspiracy, but his heart didn’t seem to be in it; he threw out some stuff about how the information appeared on an obscure website without bothering to mount an argument about what exactly this was evidence of or why it mattered. But then, he hits an inside-the-park-homerun of hackdom: the Republicans covered up the scandal because they were afraid of…the gay rights lobby!
…if the pages in question had been girls, Foley would have been shot at dawn.
However, picture this headline – “House Leadership Boots Allegedly Gay Republican On Trumped-Up Pedophilia Charges”. Ugly. Worth Avoiding. Listening to Andrew Sullivan decry the homophobes in the House would not have been worth it. So they played it a bit too cautiously and slowly and here we are.
Wow. I know it’s hard, because it’s so different from the only world we know, but let’s try to imagine how the world works in Tom Maguire’s fantasy life:
Denny Hastert: Good news, Karl! The Arbitrary Executive Power and Torture Act just passed the House!
Karl Rove: You idiot! That act is opposed by Andrew Sullivan! You don’t think we do anything without his approval, do you?
DH: But we spoke to Dr. Dobson, and he seemed to think the bill would help mobilize our supporters.
KR: Who the hell is that–the guy who pitched for the Orioles in the early 70s? Look, I’m sure he’s a nice guy and everything, but if we don’t have the Log Cabin Republicans on board, we’re toast in the upcoming elections. Who do you think is going to man the phones, reactionary evangelicals? Get the habeas-stripping provision taken out in conference, or your name is mud.
DH: OK, sorry.
KR: Don’t worry. We have an ace up our sleeve: another anti-gay-marriage initiative is going on the ballot this year!
DH: Whew, outstanding. And we’re going to try for another vote on the constitutional amendment making gay people 3/5 of a citizen and 2/5 of a fetus.
KR: Great! We’ll teach you yet.
[Exeunt.]
…it should probably also be noted that, in addition to being irrelevant, Maguire’s innuendoes about the source of the emails were wrong.