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Because there are some things rats won’t do

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Dictatorships foster oppression, dictatorships foster servitude, dictatorships foster cruelty; more abominable is the fact that they foster idiocy.

JORGE LUIS BORGES, Statement to the Argentine Society of Letters

It’s true we give Paul Ryan a hard time on this blog, but on some deeply perverse level I for one can’t help but admire the astonishing level of craven abnegation the man is capable of achieving, at least when he allows himself to contemplate what’s truly best for the nation  Paul Ryan.

(The encomium below provides the text to Donald Trump’s profile in Time’s latest selection of the 100 Most Important Beings in the Universe).

DONALD TRUMP

by

Paul Ryan

He always finds a way to get it done. When so many, including me at times, didn’t see how he could pull it off, Donald Trump won a historic victory. And in becoming the 45th President of the United States, he completely rewrote the rules of politics and reset the course of this country. A businessman always willing to challenge convention, he has shaken up Washington and laid out an agenda of generational proportions. Never afraid of a battle, he has made it his mission to fight for those who feel forgotten. Where others would pivot, he stays true to who he is. Where others would turn back, he forges ahead. Up close, I have found a driven, hands-on leader, with the potential to become a truly transformational American figure. I have little doubt that he will, once again, find a way to defy the odds and get it done.

Ryan is the Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives

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  • Crusty

    Ryan is not simply a weasel but the more rare species known as the shit-weasel.

    • Musashi

      Close, but Paul Ryan is actually a malevolent reptilian in a human suit. You can tell by his beady little snake eyes, and by the fact that he has no shame and is single-mindedly committed to tormenting humans. But to be fair to Ryan, his human suit is much better than Trump’s

  • randomworker

    Words fail.

    Does Ryan still have Trumps buttjuice on his lips?

    • kayden

      Obviously, the answer is yes. That write-up was nauseating to the max. My eyeballs have rolled back so far that I can’t see what I’m typing. Campos should have put a trigger warning before printing that drivel.

  • Reads pretty good, except for the fact that Trump achieved these things in the worst possible way, set the country in the worst possible directions, and did so while posing as the worst possible role model.

    • Lost Left Coaster

      Look, he had a limited word count, okay? He couldn’t put all the details in there.

  • A new definition of LOW. Used to be whale shit , now Ryan-speak.

  • N__B

    I liked the “100 of the year” thing better when Spy was doing it.

    • Karen24

      I loved it when they simply decided that Trump was so terrible everything bad was connected to him and they assigned them all Trumpscores.

      • N__B

        One year they pretended that the list actually ran to 1000 and something like #997 was the fact that you could transfer from the uptown 6 to the B/D/F at Bleecker Street but not from the downtown 6. Only fifteen years later, the MTA fixed it. So one item is off the list.

      • sigaba

        In the interest of efficiency, vice is now measured in a dimensionless unit referred to as the millitrump.

  • The Temporary Name

    Never afraid of a battle, he has made it his mission to fight for those who feel forgotten.

    Ooh, this inspires me to write an article about white Trump voters who’ve gotten screwed!

    • wca

      Never afraid of a battle, he has made it his mission to fight for those who feel forgotten.

      Well, Russia was probably feeling forgotten after the end of the Cold War …

      • People hadn’t thought about David Duke for years.

    • Except for that whole not going to Vietnam thing.

      But yeah, never afraid of a battle.

      • Not his fault that his bone spurs act up everytime he feels a draft.

        • Pete

          Heh.

      • Pseudonym

        The healthiest president ever evaded the draft for health reasons?

  • Hogan

    I have little doubt that he will, once again, find a way to defy the odds and get it done.

    WHAT? GET WHAT DONE? SOMEBODY TELL ME.

    • Morbo
      • wca

        Well, the dead can’t actually deny it, so there’s that.

    • randy khan

      I don’t know, but it will be stupendous, and with only majorities in both the House and the Senate to back him up.

  • dmsilev

    “And here we see the dominance and submissiveness displays of Homo Republicus. The alpha male, having broken the will and dignity of his potential rival, preens while the rival is forced to groom him in full view of the entire pack.”

    • Warren Terra

      I don’t think “groom” is quite the word.

      • “Debride”?

      • dmsilev

        David Attenborough refused to read the original version of the script. Something about “a sense of dignity”, whatever that means.

    • Hogan

      “Zis pattern of aggressive behavior is typical of zese documentaries.”

  • Warren Terra

    You’ve got to give Ryan credit for knowing his mark, and for going all in. He could have written a blandly complimentary paragraph relatively connected to reality, but knew that to please Trump he’d have to go surreally over the top and rhapsodize about the man Trump imagines himself to be. And Ryan didn’t disappoint. The result is a tidy little hagiography everyone can enjoy – Trump in a satisfied manner, everyone else with derision.

    • daves09

      Disraeli said, anent Queen Victoria, that everyone loves flattery but with royalty you have to lay it on with a trowel.
      Good going Paulie.

      • JustRuss

        Trowel? Ryan is clearly wielding a shovel here.

        • efgoldman

          Ryan is clearly wielding a shovel here.

          A bulldozer. One of those really big ones they use for strip mining.

      • wjts

        Well, this exchange just got a little funnier:

        Mr. Sourquill: Allow me to find my pen. It is somewhere in my bag.

        Lily Bin: Is it a Gladstone bag?

        Mr. Sourquill: No, this is the much more exclusive Disraeli bag. It has many, many more pockets. As the great man once said, “When it comes to pockets, lay them on with a trowel.” Now is my pen in this one? Uh, um, no. Is it in this one? Nooo. This surely is the pocket!

        Lily Bin: Oh!

        Mr. Sourquill: Turns out, no.

        Lily Bin: Oh.

        Mr. Sourquill: Possibly in here. Aha! Here is a pen!

        Lily Bin: Ah!

        Mr. Sourquill: But not the one I’m looking for. This pocket surely contains my prize! Or indeed, it just contains some string and a conker.

        Sir Philip Bin: Enough! I will take your bag and put it somewhere where the sun does not shine.

        Mr. Sourquill: Um.

        Sir Philip Bin: Lily, take this bag and put it on a coach to Scotland.

  • wca

    “We are building a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude. We forge our spirits in the same traditions as our ancestors. Donald Trump is a magnificent leader. He has our gratitude. Let’s all give Donald Trump a great big hand.”

    Paul Ryan’s last words

  • BigHank53

    Oh, c’mon. We all know an intern wrote this–Ryan is way too busy with vital and important Speaker business, like destroying MediCare. It is illuminating, though, that he managed to choose the intern resentful enough to portray Ryan as a craven, spineless boot-licker…and clever enough to get Ryan to like it.

    • Peterr

      Intern?

      I was trying to decide if it was written by Ivanka or Jared. For a bit I thought maybe Steve Bannon, but there’s not enough red meat in it for him.

      And whether Ryan likes it or not is beside the point. I’m sure he was told “You *will* put your name on this, without editing it in any way, and send it on to TIME.”

  • veleda_k

    Where others would turn back, he forges ahead.

    I’m having Kerry vs. Bush flashbacks. “Kerry is flip-flopper! Bush stays the course!” Forging ahead isn’t a good thing when you’re driving towards a cliff.

    • liberalrob

      Maybe this is just Ryan’s way of letting us know Trump should be investigated for forgery.

    • Redwood Rhiadra

      Reminded me of this hilarious press release from Newt Gingrich’s failed 2012 campaign (as read by John Lithgow).

  • catclub

    Never afraid of a battle, he has made it his mission to fight for those who feel forgotten.

    Anybody can go to bat for billionaires, but who is speaking up for the lowly centimillionaire these days except Donald Trump?

  • daves09

    Ryan thinks he’s John Galt but he’s Mr. Mouch.

  • Peterr

    A businessman always willing to challenge convention, . . .

    Most businessmen follow the quaint convention of paying their subcontractors, but not Donald.

    • John Revolta

      Yeah that’s the first quaint convention I thought of too. Also the quaint convention of paying back all the money you borrowed from somebody instead of maybe 5 or 10 percent and take it or leave it.

      In fact that whole quaint convention of keeping your word about anything at all was really getting kinda threadbare, amirite?

  • MacK

    Grovel, crawl, brownose, suck-up, suck-suck-suck, ass-lick – Ryan could give a course.

    • Dagmar

      GOP 323. Advanced Sycophancy. How to advance your career using a few minor props, primarily knee-pads and chap-stick.

  • NewishLawyer

    I’m generally more forgiving of the media than many here but I don’t get why stuff like this list get published and also that damned Flannagan essay.

  • Caepan

    “Mr. Speaker? I have a question.

    “So how does the sweat you licked from Mr. Trump’s taint taste?”

  • GeorgeBurnsWasRight

    And Ryan is kissing the ass of a man who can’t even remember what his name is.

    Or maybe it’s worse- now that Trump has called him “Ron”, he’ll be forced to change his name. ‘Cause Trump can never make a mistake.

    • kayden

      LOL!! Now that would be hilarious if for the remainder of his Presidency, Trump refers to Paul as Ron. Makes you wonder who this “Ron” really is.

      • Rand’s dad will henceforth be referred to as Paul Paul also too.

        • Pseudonym

          Surely you mean Paul Ron?

  • The Great God Pan

    No mention of Trump’s large hands and natural-looking skin tone. Oversight or calculated omission?

    • John Revolta

      Saving it for the Glorious 100-Day Tributes.

    • and his hair was perfect.

  • Lars H

    Two sentences in a row that start off with participle phrases that glorify the Trump in the main clause (that construction should be banned in any context; so grating!), quickly followed by a pair of sentences that lead with subordinate clauses (“Where others…”) that show, by contrast, the strength of the Trump in the main clause, and finally a sentence that starts with prepositional phrase to tell us how near Ryan is to the Trump the rest of us have only heard of. Please rewrite with an eye toward more sentence variety a less hagiography.

  • John F

    He always finds a way to get it done.

    No… he’s had his share of setbacks

    When so many, including me at times, didn’t see how he could pull it off, Donald Trump won a historic victory. And in becoming the 45th President of the United States, he completely rewrote the rules of politics and reset the course of this country.

    yeah, true more or less

    A businessman always willing to challenge convention

    replace “convention” with propriety…

    he has shaken up Washington

    far less than Id’ feared…

    and laid out an agenda of generational proportions.

    sure… just keep telling yourself that

    Never afraid of a battle, he has made it his mission to fight for those who feel forgotten.

    BS

    Where others would pivot, he stays true to who he is.

    Well he does stay true to who [what] he is, but that includes frequent pivots

    Where others would turn back, he forges ahead.

    Yes, he’s the type of guy who will go over the cliff playing chicken

    Up close, I have found a driven, hands-on leader

    LIAR

    with the potential to become a truly transformational American figure.

    yes, I agree, just not the way you’re thinking

    I have little doubt that he will, once again, find a way to defy the odds and get it done.

    get what done?

  • jim, some guy in iowa

    what else could one expect from a guy who so much resembles that greasy friend of Beaver Cleaver?

    • JustRuss

      Heh, Ryan as Eddie Munster has been a meme for years, but you’re right; now he’s Eddie Haskell!

  • Pete

    Good God. I used to respect Ryan some, but ….

    On the other hand, I can see why they didn’t trust anyone in WH communications to put it together.

    • efgoldman

      I used to respect Ryan some, but ….

      Why, in FSM’s name? For being a Randian/Galtian hypocrite?

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