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What We Owe Our Readers…

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Lawyers, Guns and Money continues to struggle for mainstream respectability. Here is our six seven-part plan for entering the “MSM:”

  1. Sell posting space to the Church of Scientology or religious organization of similar legitimacy.
  2. Hire Charles Krauthammer to write a weekly column.
  3. Commission an article arguing that Sandy Hook Truthers make 9/11 Truthers and JFK Truthers look bad, then take the article down when people complain.
  4. Hire Tom Friedman to write a weekly column.
  5. Develop a series of multimedia presentations on the subject of the First Lady’s Inaugural wardrobe.
  6. Hire Condoleeza Rice as a contributor for our new Sunday morning show, “Suffer Through Your Hangover with the LGM Crew.”
  7. 7. Launch viciously unfair attacks on another academic blogger until he is compelled to remove his insights from the public domain.

I have no doubt that careful adherence to this plan will win us great respect and an even greater fortune. More details about this surefire means of achieving relevance and celebrity can be yours for only $19.99!

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  • I look forward to seeing your table at the Aspen Ideas Festival.

    • Davis X. Machina

      Not yet. They don’t have enough saliency.

      Saliency is key.

      • rea

        Not to mention semenality . . .

      • Warren Terra

        Some of the bullet points above make you doubt the role of sapiency.

  • Incontinentia Buttocks

    Hmmm…I can’t open that Salon.com article on good truthers and bad truthers. “Too Many Redirects,” says each of my browsers.

    But I think we all know that THEY DON’T WANT US TO READ IT!!!!!!

    [/snark]

  • Ron E.

    No respectability for you until you also add a Sunday morning talk show with weekly exclusive interviews with John McCain.

    • Patrick

      From what I hear he’s really tough to book though. Very busy schedule and notoriously reclusive.

      • c u n d gulag

        Yeah, and it’s too bad Lindsey Graham and Newt Gingrich are also pathelogically shy to the point of being hermits.

      • Interesting, little-known trivia about John McCain: during the Vietnam War he spent five years in a POW camp. Never talks about it, though.

    • Scott Lemieux

      Let’s be clear: for us, McCain and Lieberman are a package deal. We require both 50 minutes a week. Followed by a panel discussion with David Brooks representing the left and Mark Levin representing the center.

  • Cody

    For #5, this is clearly in SEK’s field.

    After his review of that picture of Bill Clinton went over so well, I’m sure a visual rhetoric breakdown of every picture the first lady is in would greatly boost site traffic.

    • SEK

      Bah. I didn’t get a single angry email about that post, so it’s innocuous as get-all. That said, if I were to write such a post, all I’d be able to say, nerd that I am, is that I think she might be a Romulan spy.

      • jackd

        The startling resemblance a friend of mine noticed is between the First Lady and Agent 99.

  • This is all so silly. What you *really* need is some incredibly talented artist to redesign your banner.

    WAIT.

    • commie atheist

      ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!??? The banner is THE ONLY GOOD THIN ABOUT THIS BLOG!?!1!1!

      Harruumhph.

  • Also

    Get a pair of neato glasses like Wolf Blitzer

    • Flypaper

      And ties. He loves ties. Wouldn’t stop talking about ’em all of last election…

  • Malaclypse

    It used to be about mocking Mickey Kaus, back before YOU ALL SOLD OUT.

    • Davis X. Machina

      I liked his early funny stuff.

      • Malaclypse

        Loomis is clearly the Phil Collins of the later LGM. Bean was obviously the Peter Gabriel of the blog.

        • Anonymous

          His post on wolves is the “Invisible Touch” of LGM.

          • rm

            He takes control and slowly tears LGM apart.

            • Scott Lemieux

              There’s just not much love to go ’round.

              • Halloween Jack

                How can you just turn and walk away, when all he can do is watch you leave?

                • rm

                  I remember all internet traditions — how could I ever forget?

                • Linnaeus

                  There must be some misunderstanding.

                • rm

                  I don’t care no more what Loomis say.

        • The more pressing question is…who/what is the “Mike and the Mechanics” of this crew?

          • Bill Murray

            Manju?

            • elm

              “Crumpled bits of paper
              Filled with imperfect thoughts
              Stilted conversations
              I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got
              You say you just don’t see it
              He says it’s perfect sense
              You just can’t get agreement
              In this present tense
              We all talk a different language
              Talkin’ in defense”

              After today’s performance, Imma gonna go with J. Otto on this one.

          • Fats Durston

            That’s Mike + the Mechanics.

            • I’m ok with having not gotten that 100% correct.

    • Tnap01

      B(ah)eat me to it :(

    • wengler

      Blowing goats will only get you so far.

  • Karate Bearfighter

    You say you’re going mainstream, and yet right under this post there’s a post claiming that the racism of Southern Democrats doesn’t completely invalidate the modern welfare state. Where’s the balance?

    • The Dark Avenger

      One word: Plastics.

    • commie atheist

      I believe that the 60+ comments on that post by J. Otto Pohl provides all the necessary balance.

  • sharculese

    “Suffer Through Your Hangover with the LGM Crew.”

    I would contribute to a kickstarter campaign to make this happen.

  • jon

    All Benghazi all the time.

    And what about the State Dept. sending that clown all around India, also? We demand answers!

  • LGM Presents

    ” A look inside the life of the Flying Spaghetti Monster”

    • rea

      “Woke up, fell out of bed,
      Dragged a fork across my head . . .”

      Now we know how many noodles it takes to fill the Albert Hall.

  • Tnap01

    A site cannot be considered respectable until it’s had Mickey Kaus on it’s payroll for a couple of minutes so you better get searching…

  • I say hire Krauthammer first. Once you’ve established your credibility problem nothing else matters.

    • ploeg

      Yeah. But for God’s sake don’t spend any money to hire him.

      • Bill Murray

        They could pay for an LGM banner on his wheelchair

    • Warren Terra

      I found “Hire Charles Krauthammer to write a weekly column” to be unclear. Is he being hired to write a column each week, or is he being hired to write one column, which will be re-run weekly? Because I suspect his audience might be satisfied with the latter …

      • DrDick

        There is a difference?

  • c u n d gulag

    You also need Bill Kristol to author some pieces, in order to display, once again, his sagacity on foreign affairs.
    But this time, to the benefit of LG&M readers, who lack that kind of keen insight from a well-respected and knowledgeable expert.

    And Sarah Palin to appear on the Sunday show, to give Rich Lowry some stars in his eyes, and to discuss domestic issues – especially her vast and expert knowledge of the print news business.

  • herr doktor bimler

    the Church of Scientology or religious organization of similar legitimacy.

    Aren’t they all of similar legitimacy?

    • jon

      You have to work pretty hard to get down to that level. Which makes them perfect companions down in the bunker.

    • wengler

      KSW.

  • max

    7. Launch viciously unfair attacks on another academic blogger until he is compelled to remove his insights from the public domain.

    Subscribe.

    max
    [‘It’s not academia (or politics) without vicious bickering, is it?’]

    • rea

      Where is John Quiggin when you need him?

  • If I may be so bold:

    8. Appoint an “ombudsman” whose role is mainly to congratulate LGM on continuing to present the Beltway consensus as if it were new and exciting.

    • elm

      I will gladly take the job of LGM lickspittle, uh, um, I mean ombudsman!

      • Malacylpse

        Nah, BradP brings the necessary pointless contrarianism better than you ever will.

  • Americanadian

    I believe that Jeffery Loria would like to buy some space to announce that 2012 has been a banner year for Marlintology, with less talent fewer thetans in the Miami area than ever before!

  • Njorl

    I think you should publish something by Farheed Zakaria, or at least something with his name on it.

  • jon

    So, you’re just too lazy to urn over the rock that Dick Morris resides beneath?

  • I feel like I should have role in this agenda, but I can’t quite pin it down. Thoughts?

    • Bexley

      You can be the former lefty who is now outraged over Chappaquiddick.

      • TimE

        Perfect.

      • Awesome.

        • Scott Lemieux

          We will not rest until we get Ted Kennedy’s head on a pointed stick.

    • Why, you would naturally be language police.

  • Bexley

    I suggest hiring JenBob’s multiple personalities. That way you can get several weekly rightwing columns under different names for the price of only one unhinged nutjob.

    • Rarely Posts

      He also would cover the requirement that you hire at least one person who hates rationalizes discrimination against gay people. Otherwise, you’re not taking our moral traditions seriously.

  • Timurid

    You’re watching The Very Serious People Channel.

  • Kathleen

    Leverage the synergies of your LGM brand by offering webinars on Effective Brow Furrowing For Fun and Profit.

  • jkay

    Except you’re totally missing the right Friedman angle – it’s gotta be its own reality show. “Hunting the Moustache.” You know we’ll accept nothing less.

    And we need the Israeli Lieberman, too, or maybe every Lieberman in the world – your choice…

    But, despite all you’re being wrong, I’m willing to generously subscribe to your newsletter for a mere 19999 quatloos, anyway.

  • Aidian

    What, no mention of David Gergen?

  • somethingblue

    Yeah, yeah, very cute. But have you cleared all this with the Blogger Ethics Panel?

  • Are you certain you want to Sully your good reputation?

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