Cubs: #1 in Urine and Feces
It can hardly be surprising to anyone familiar with the history of the franchise that Cubs fans enjoy wallowing in their own urine and feces:
The Chicago Cubs finally brought home a championship, but it may not be something to boast about. After compiling all of the data that our UFE team gathered from several months of research, it has been confirmed that the stadium and fan base combined have generated a score of 47% in sanitation.
“The main issue that really hurt this stadium was the troughs” one UFE rep said. “Basically, the facility provides at least thirty men to pee at once, while only a fraction of that number can wash their hands at once”. Given this pee/wash ratio, the amount of individuals who have potentially harmful bacteria on their hands is very high.
For every 100 men who went into the restroom, 79 did NOT wash their hands. Women however, were much better and nearly every woman who went to the restroom washed their hands (nice work ladies). Something else that made for a different experience for our team was the fact that the men’s restroom smelled like wet dogs. This really upsets us to say this however, because we think it is an insult to dogs.
Our staff lightheartedly refers to attending a Cub’s game as committing UFEnasia. UFEnasia is the deliberate or non-deliberate act of exposing yourself to the Urine and Feces of many different unsanitary Wrigley Field Fans. The fans are not the only culprits in this study however. Out of all 30 MLB stadiums, the staff at Wrigley ranked very poor as well.
Shitty team on the field, shitty “classic” stadium, fans covered in their own shit… I think it’s time to revisit contraction.
… Matt Fay brings this to my attention:
In a recent interview with ESPN’s Gary Miller, Chicago Cubs outfielder Moises Alou revealed that during baseball season he urinates on his hands to toughen them up… Even Cubs hurler Kerry Wood mentioned on a local radio show that he’s tried the technique to remedy blisters on his pitching hand (though he wryly added that there’s also a well-known clubhouse cure for headaches: “crapping in your hat”).
The Chicago Cubs: An affront to the dignity of baseball, and to human decency.
Basically, the facility provides at least thirty men to pee at once
In modern parks, like Comerica or Camden Yards, the facilities don’t need to provide any men to pee–the fans do it themselves.
Is this some sort of Chicago entertainment? Do the thirty do synchronized peeing as well? I can see the ad for this: Perfect Prostates A Must.
Now I want synchronized peeing in the Olympics. Think of the sponsorship opportunities!
Hey, is it too late to start training for 2014?
No, but it will only be an exhibition event.
But why must it be a summer game? Lots of unique challenges in the winter version of the sport, plus it would probably be easier to judge. Just each team has to move down a bit after each round.
But can there be a women’s team? Will concentration on the fundamentals make up for their inability to dunk?
The women’s team would have to invest in a little sports equipment.
Budweiser, Coors, Miller, Sam Adams, Heineken, …….
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=514854475211087&set=a.505071799522688.130048.475079629188572&type=1&theater
What did we Cubs fans ever do to you? I’d say we’ve been extremely generous to the fans of just about every other team.
Seriously.
And the trough-hate is bizarre; hell, preventing long lines at the pisser is about the only thing the Cub organization does well.
shhh … herd thinning in progress
Developing collective disease resistance is vital. Much like communion used to function.
You’ll be jealous when the rest of the country is dying to infectious disease, but all the Cubs fans are fine.
If the choices are death by infectious disease or life in a plague-ravaged wasteland populated only by Cubs fans, well ….
well, at least then the Cubs might be able to win.,…
I would reply to sam’s comment, but I’m afraid I might get covered in urine and feces.
Too late, I gotcha.
Well, Farley, you seem to be wallowing in your complete incapacity to be amusing, clever, or even logically coherent when looking for an excuse to rag on Cubs fans. Or does it actually somehow follow that people faced with inadequate facilities “enjoy wallowing” in their own wastes?
You do occasionally manage to say something intelligent; why don’t you come back when you’re ready to do so again?
Let’s face it. The only reason Wrigley still stands is the ivy. Just as the only reason Fenway still stands is the green monster. Neither of these creaking old scrap heaps has any other reason to exist. The ivy and the green monster are thought to have “character” or “charm.” They have neither. They are ugly, and they screw with the game. They have no place in modern major league baseball, but every time someone proposes replacing them, guess who screams the loudest – the idiot fans.
Eh, the ivy at least has a little charm. The green monster is just a painfully obvious design kludge. I guess programmers aren’t the only ones who try and turn bugs into features.
I would reply to sam’s comment, but I’m afraid I might get covered in urine and feces.
So far, the only person tossing shit here is you.
Somebody’s touched a nerve. Probably with feces. At Wrigley Field. And now Aaron Baker has gone crazy. It’s all Steve Bartman’s fault.
LOL U MAD.
I love that ol’ Moises Alou story. Classico.
Wrigley Field where if you put quotes around stuff it makes them seem sinister and gross, i.e. “Italian Beef” and “Chicago Dog” and “Maxwell Street Polish”
Hell, they used to tan leather with urine (get a leather camera case from the old Soviet Union sometime to experience it), why not use it on hands?
They used it for doing the laundry up through the Renaissance. The Masai still use cow urine to wash bowls and food containers.
I’ve always been a big fan of the troughs. They move the line quicker and mean that you don’t have to touch anything except yourself. (<- may be poor phrasing)
Plus, if the game gets boring . . .
The Cubs jerk their fans off, so they don’t have to do it themselves.
If what the Cubs do their fans is your idea of jerking off, you’re clearly doing it wrong.
The troughs have always been a big
with me too. < also poor phrasing
Well, what’s worse is that once someone is done answering the call of nature, it’s straight to the concession stand for food and beverage before wandering out of the stadium before the late innings, drunk and upset because the team has no chance to win.
That website appears to be written by the host from the Fecal Matters sketch on SNL (“did it ever bother you holding the ball, knowing that it was covered with fecal matter?”)
All that and the Cubs still are not as bad as the Cardinals
All that and the Cubs still are not as bad as the Cardinals
I’m trying to wrap my head around this joke. Yes, UFEnasia kinda sorta sounds like euthanasia. So Cubs fans are deliberately being killed by not giving them sinks to wash their hands? And this is good for them? Because they’re Cubs fans or something? It doesn’t make any sense!
I believe euthanasia is something one does to others. So “our staff” is deliberately infecting Cubs fans with whatever they’re bringing to the ballpark? I think?
http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/559607_514854475211087_494828447_n.jpg
They used to have those same troughs in Fenway.
As historic as they might have been, they were never an integral part of the experience.
One of the troughs at Fenway was real short, but it had really high sides.
That was a trash can, njorl. You didn’t notice the other people in the concession area staring at you?
No, it was probably a sink.
Fenway Park has sinks in the concession area? See, Cubbies, that’s how it’s done.
Given this pee/wash ratio, the amount of individuals who have potentially harmful bacteria on their hands is very high.
Urine is perhaps gross, but it’s not actually high in bacteria. In most cases, it has little if any- probably less than most tap water. Maybe the idea is that these guys have bacteria-covered junk (I usually manage to keep urine off my hands while peeing anyway) but in most cases, it’s not more likely to be bacteria-covered than other parts of their bodies. Hand washing is a good idea in general, and sometimes really necessary, but this is silly (Yes, I get that it’s a joke, but still, it would be funnier if more plausible.)
As to the troughs, the worst part is when some ass hole throws a paper towel or some trash in them, and the drain gets plugged, leading the trough to fill up, sometimes quite dangerously.
I don’t wash my hands after urinating when I’m pretty sure that my junk is the cleanest thing in the restroom.
Sigh…
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1043/why-are-men-supposed-to-wash-their-hands-after-urination
Over-wrought hand-washing hysteria.
Naw, dude, you’re just a pig. HTH.
The old, old Yankee Stadium’s men’s rooms stunk enough to gag a skunk.
I’m surprised that as many as one out of five guys wash their hands, sink or no sink.
Many men feel that washing their hands is a waste of time.
Fans of any other baseball team going after Cubs fans is basically the same as Yankees fans going after fans of any other baseball team, isn’t it?
Not even close, dude. Not even close.
Yes, yes it is. Greylocks is a monster.
What’s with the Cubs fan hate? Yankees, Red Sox, Steelers and Cowboys fans are infinitely more insufferable than Cubs fans.
Hitler was worse than Idi Amin.
…and Obama is a relative of Idi Amin which means ZOMFG WAKE UP SHEEPLE
I don’t get it either, but then again, I don’t know many Cubs fans.
Do you know any Red Sox fans? Take one, subtract any knowledge of baseball and add three beers: voila!
Although the Bartman thing is pretty fucking stupid. Get over it, assholes.
Is it insult to injury to bring up the Chicago Whales, who built the park on Waveland and secured at least one Federal League title in the 19-teens?
Not only every team in MLB, but extinct ones also, have won since the Cubs.
My Mariners still haven’t. YET
Shoulda kept A-Rod. (You can have him back.)
That’s only 35 years.
And for the record, after 35 years my Expos were marched out of town (thanks, Bud!), and the Mariners still exist.
I’m betting a Michelle Malkin bathroom counter-top investigation would show the Farley terlet room to be rife with fecal coliform bacteria.
I think some fans think that peeing in their hands as well will kill germs or something…I’m a Cubs fan, but maybe there is a bigger fanbase that believe that urine is good luck.
The only bad thing we Cubs fans ever do, as far as I’m concerned, is tolerate a shitty team for decades on end. At the Cell or whatever that thing is called, they couldn’t give tickets away for a White Sox team on the verge of a division title. Go figure.
As for hand-washing, two words: hand sanitizer. It comes nowadays in these neat little bottles that slip right in your pocket.
This post is really about George Will, isn’t it? Spot on.
Wrigley Field’s a dump. And even more so now that the Ricketts have plastered it with ads. They could upgrade bathrooms and concessions, but they won’t because they don’t make money off of that.
Wrigley is for those that don’t really care about baseball but want the feeling of being at a baseball park. If you want the Wrigley experience just put a big metal post right in front of your TV when watching a game.
It just seems that they have plenty of money to add 56 new premium seats behind home plate, but they have no money to improve the rest of the park.
1) Urine is not only cleaner than tap water, it’s actually sterile after the first second or so of urination (which flushes out any bacteria in the urethra). It’s therefore a good emergency wound cleanser, and was used for that purpose in the Civil War prisoner camp at Andersonville, where the only water supply for the prisoners was a filthy stream running through the middle of camp that became an open sewer. (Also, maggots were used on gangrenous wounds to clear away the dead flesh and promote healing. Having access to a medical library is so much damn fun sometimes.)
2) Yes, some coliform bacteria can be problematic (such as the more problematic types of E. coli that have been involved in food poisoning case), but if they were as deadly on the average as the Straight Dope column linked to above suggests, we’d all be dead. It is not really a problem for people who bathe regularly, and especially for men who are circumcised or practice decent foreskin hygiene.
3) That UFE site seems created by, of, and for people with OCD.
or practice decent foreskin hygiene.
No post about Cub fans is complete without some worry about smegma.
Thank you, though, for not including a link.
It’s not just a matter of mortality. It’s also dealing with coughs and colds, the runs, and various other malaises because of other people’s bad habits. You get a bunch of people at a stadium in a big city who don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom, or rub their faces in any way, or cough/sneeze into their hands (which admittedly is better than just spraying it all into the air)… and then they get on the subway and grab the handrails and so forth.
You don’t have to be Howard Hughes to understand that if folks were a little more conscientious about cleanliness (and if we had a decent and human healthcare infrastructure, etc. etc., but let’s not digress), overall people would get sick less often and for shorter periods.
All of which would happen regardless of whether or not the bathrooms at Wrigley Field were sterilized to surgical-suite standards every five minutes. If that’s a real concern to you, then you really are getting into Howard Hughes territory.
They suspect that the meningitis outbreak could have been caused by a person that didn’t wash their hand after using the restroom. Tell those victims they are getting into Howard Hughes territory. Just say you are too lazy to wash your hands instead of trying to rationalize it to ease your conscious!
The question is would you eat food with your hands that were covered with urine and or feces from another person. Not life or death, just knowing that the substance was on your hands. Most people say they wouldn’t.
You might be comfortable with that!
You might be exaggerating a bit! Or perhaps belong to a species that excretes differently from most humans, and/or only know about our species via a fairly esoteric and specific fetish site.
Oh, wait, you’re from that website. Sorry, mistook you for someone sane.
Most of us use our hands to aim, not as targets.
Tell that story to your wife. I bet she will never ask to hold hands again!
Halloween Jack, are you a Cub Fan. It’s funny Cardinal fans think I’m sane and The Cub Fans think I’m insane.