The Chicago Cubs finally brought home a championship, but it may not be something to boast about. After compiling all of the data that our UFE team gathered from several months of research, it has been confirmed that the stadium and fan base combined have generated a score of 47% in sanitation.
“The main issue that really hurt this stadium was the troughs” one UFE rep said. “Basically, the facility provides at least thirty men to pee at once, while only a fraction of that number can wash their hands at once”. Given this pee/wash ratio, the amount of individuals who have potentially harmful bacteria on their hands is very high.
For every 100 men who went into the restroom, 79 did NOT wash their hands. Women however, were much better and nearly every woman who went to the restroom washed their hands (nice work ladies). Something else that made for a different experience for our team was the fact that the men’s restroom smelled like wet dogs. This really upsets us to say this however, because we think it is an insult to dogs.
Our staff lightheartedly refers to attending a Cub’s game as committing UFEnasia. UFEnasia is the deliberate or non-deliberate act of exposing yourself to the Urine and Feces of many different unsanitary Wrigley Field Fans. The fans are not the only culprits in this study however. Out of all 30 MLB stadiums, the staff at Wrigley ranked very poor as well.
Shitty team on the field, shitty “classic” stadium, fans covered in their own shit… I think it’s time to revisit contraction.
… Matt Fay brings this to my attention:
In a recent interview with ESPN’s Gary Miller, Chicago Cubs outfielder Moises Alou revealed that during baseball season he urinates on his hands to toughen them up… Even Cubs hurler Kerry Wood mentioned on a local radio show that he’s tried the technique to remedy blisters on his pitching hand (though he wryly added that there’s also a well-known clubhouse cure for headaches: “crapping in your hat”).
The Chicago Cubs: An affront to the dignity of baseball, and to human decency.