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“Today will be a day long remembered…”

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This is dead on.

CORUSCANT — Obi-Wan Kenobi, the mastermind of some of the most devastating attacks on the Galactic Empire and the most hunted man in the galaxy, was killed in a firefight with Imperial forces near Alderaan, Darth Vader announced on Sunday.

In a late-night appearance in the East Room of the Imperial Palace, Lord Vader declared that “justice has been done” as he disclosed that agents of the Imperial Army and stormtroopers of the 501st Legion had finally cornered Kenobi, one of the leaders of the Jedi rebellion, who had eluded the Empire for nearly two decades. Imperial officials said Kenobi resisted and was cut down by Lord Vader’s own lightsaber. He was later dumped out of an airlock.

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  • chris

    Only if you’re implying either that Kenobi did kill 3000 civilians (should that be scaled up relative to the size of the Empire?) and then brag about it on galaxy-wide broadcasts, or that bin Laden didn’t. The *reason* someone is a hunted man is kind of important in judging events like this.

    The only event comparable to 9/11 in the Star Wars universe I can think of (adjusting for scale) is… the destruction of Alderaan. While it might be amusing to speculate what kind of Alderaan truthers the SW universe might harbor, I doubt if many of them would point to Kenobi. (In fact, in that case, it really *was* the government that did it!)

    • Hogan

      I don’t think “dead on” meant “close analogy” so much as “accurate parody.”

      • Malaclypse

        Who will show up first: jeer9 to claim that Obama really is as bad as Darth Vader, or Donalde to BWAHAHAHA over Farley’s false moral equivalence?

        • jeer9

          Why won’t Campos write blog posts I want him to write?

    • Halloween Jack

      While it might be amusing to speculate what kind of Alderaan truthers the SW universe might harbor

      There’s always the Endor Holocaust, although it fails to explain why the wholesale destruction of Ewoks is a bad thing.

    • firefall

      But Lucas is a well-known propaganda tool of the Rebellion, and it’s only -his- version of this that blames it on the government: naturally, a terroristic act like this MUST have been conducted by the rebels, in order to blame them on the Imperial dignity

    • Ginger Yellow

      Well, as Kevin Smith pointed out a long while back, the Death Star probably had a ton of civilian contractors, maybe even slave labourers, on board when it was blown up.

    • Dogsbody

      The destruction of Alderaan was not a terrorist attack, it was more akin to the destruction of Fallujah.

    • j_h_r

      The only event comparable to 9/11 in the Star Wars universe I can think of (adjusting for scale) is… the destruction of Alderaan. While it might be amusing to speculate what kind of Alderaan truthers the SW universe might harbor,

      read the comments section at the link…..

  • Scott de B.

    Well, if one gets past rebel propaganda, the Empire was clearly on the side of right. The Empire is a multi-cultural society where everyone has equal opportunities. People from all over the Empire join the Stormtrooper corps, for example. Meanwhile, the Rebels are a bunch of rich white people with a few token Mon Calamari. They even destroyed Alderaan and blamed it on the Empire!

    • SEK

      The Empire practices the same sort of multiculturalism as the Cybermen: Stormtroopers have no sex, no race, no gender. Stormtroopers are all perfectly equal, which is why Teh Donalde will support them, because they’re an accurate reflection of the current state of sexual, racial, and gender politics in America today. Don’t believe me? Just ask him!

      • SEK

        I brought the knife-geek to this gun-sword-geek fight, didn’t I? (And I did it again. I’m a … winner?)

        • Malaclypse

          Yes. Had you wished to mock Donalde, a better tactic would be to point out that Donnie has the same attitude towards female objectification as Jabba the Hutt.

          • SEK

            I was seven years old, and maybe a bit precocious, but I knew there was something about that get-up Carrie Fischer was sporting. Granted, I was seven years old, whereas Teh Donalde is, allegedly, an adult, but still …

      • ajay

        Stormtroopers have no sex, no race, no gender. Stormtroopers are all perfectly equal

        Having seen half of one of the prequels, I thought it was now public that they were all actually from New Zealand?

        • SEK

          Having seen none of the prequels, I’m in no position to answer that. But for my money, you can’t top “Jabba, this is your last chance. Free us or die.” There’s bad-ass, then there’s that, and I don’t care about what’s after it, damn it, no matter how cute and fuzzy they are.

          • BigHank53

            Christ on a crutch, if only I could unsee the freakin’ prequels. George Lucas still owes me six bucks.

            • Malaclypse

              Christ on a crutch, if only I could unsee the freakin’ prequels.

              And the directors cuts. Han shot first, dammit.

            • SEK

              Christ on a crutch, if only I could unsee the freakin’ prequels.

              It takes great wisdom, patience, fortitude … and the crushing poverty of being in grad school. Not that my life’s much better now, as I still haven’t seen Thor, but at least Mad Men will be back this summer … what? What’s that now? I don’t understand.

      • asdfsdf

        That does explain why they always wear those stupid white suits of armor, since they are clearly useless at stopping blaster shots.

  • mark f

    Wouldn’t it be useful for Vader’s propaganda purposes to note that Kenobi was killed while on an espionage mission within the Death Star? On the other hand, I suppose I wouldn’t believe it if Obama announced that bin Laden had been cornered and killed while snooping around Langley.

    • Malaclypse

      Wouldn’t it be useful for Vader’s propaganda purposes to note that Kenobi was killed while on an espionage mission within the Death Star?

      The Death Star was still a secret when Kenobi was killed.

      • mark f

        Fair enough, but specifics can be avoided in the reports.

        • Malaclypse

          Which they were:

          …was killed in a firefight with Imperial forces near Alderaan

          The real issue is that the New Galactic Times, treasonous as ever, gave away the position of our brave fighting forces. Do they not think Yoda can read a newspaper? Loose lips sink Star Destroyers.

          • mark f

            As Hogan points out the article mentions the Death Star, so that point is moot. The missed opportunity was Vader not pointing out that Obi Wan wasn’t just sitting in some cave having C-3PO record him watching his Leia videos on R2, but was instead in their base killing their d00dz.

          • Dogsbody

            Yoda has been dead for years.

      • Michael H Schneider

        That’s the Peace Through Defensive Strength Star, if you please.

      • The Death Star was still a secret when Kenobi was killed.

        Yeah…not so much. The whole point of destroying Alderaan, the whole point of the Death Star itself, was to strike fear into the hearts of anyone who thought of rebelling or breaking away from the Empire. That doesn’t work so well if you keep the whole thing a secret.

        • elm

          “Of course, the whole point of a Death Star is lost, if you *keep* it a *secret*! Why didn’t you tell the world, EH?

          “It was to be announced at the Party Congress on Monday. As you know, the Emperor loves surprises.”

        • But you have to make sure it works first, which is one reason they blew up Alderaan. It’s rather embarrassing when your touted superweapon fizzles.

    • Hogan

      From the story:

      Kenobi and a group of his followers were eventually captured while fleeing the system, and taken aboard the Death Star, which was in the midst of surveying the recent environmental disaster on Alderaan.

      Apparently Kenobi eluded his captors long enough to start a firefight. Laserfight? Whatever.

      • NBarnes

        Dude is a Jedi.

  • John

    I’m puzzled by the article’s contention that Vader was overall commander of the Imperial Fleet. Surely he was reporting to Grand Moff Tarkin at the time?

  • c u n d gulag

    I’ll wait until I hear what Harry Seldon has to say.

    • Tyto

      Same thing as always: “Relax, my calculations have accounted for all of this. It will blow over, eventually.”

      • Tom Allen

        Unless some mulish mind-altering mutant shows up. But what are the chances of that?

        • Hogan

          Why, it’s a one in a million shot!

          • chris

            Too bad the population is probably in the trillions…

            Really, though, it doesn’t take supernatural powers to have your idiosyncratic personality traits affect the course of history; it just needs the right combination of circumstances to put you at the fulcrum.

  • C’mell

    I didn’t realize this was an Ancient History blog.

    • SEK

      Hey, my dissertation says “1895-1910” right there in the title.

      • Warren Terra

        OK, that is long ago … but is it in a galaxy far, far away?

        • redrob

          Isn’t there a book on historiography called The Past Is Another Galaxy?

  • Let’s not forget, Newsradio was on this a long time ago.

  • Yes, more of this. However, you just criticized Chomsky for doing pretty much the same thing. You’ve got ‘splainin to do, my friend.

    Also, how is Chomsky’s economic explanation for why states do what they do so much weaker than the “elite Beltway consensus” model of the progressive blogosphere? I’d say that claim needs a separate posting.

    • rea

      Really? Chomsky puts humorous posts on his blog?

      • rea: “I am being humorous by feigning ignorance.”

        • rea

          Chris: “I am being humorous by being obtuse.”

      • skidmarx

        Apparently he can knock ’em dead, though who knows if we all have the innate capacity to appreciate his discourse?

  • Solar Hero

    Day after 9/11 I put up posters around Cambridge, smoking twin towers in the background, death star in the foreground, saying: “Did you cheer when Luke Skywalker blew up the death star?”

    • Malaclypse

      I’m sure that convinced a lot of people. What it convinced them of is another matter.

      I suppose it would be seriously pedantic to note that the Death Star was a legitimate military target, on a mission to destroy the home base of the Rebels, who were acting in legitimate self-defense?

    • Jay B.

      Ergo, when real people die at the hands of asshole theocrats with a psychotically retrograde worldview we should stand up and cheer or we’re hypocrites.

    • chris

      Wait… the World Trade Center was equipped with a planet-destroying massive laser beam? And we never even got to try it out before 9/11 wrecked it?

  • Simple Mind

    Damn Sand People.

    BTW, was watching Global Treking featuring Tunisia last night on PBS that included a glimpse of Tatouine and a Bedouin dwelling used as Skywalker’s desert home.

  • Dave

    So now Osama bin Laden is more powerful than you could possibly imagine?

  • JD

    From a friend’s Facebook status:

    Let’s be clear on this: Admiral Ackbar DID NOT destroy the Death Star. A REBEL PILOT, who Ackbar led straight into a trap, did. Ackbar just happened to be the one who was in charge when our valiant pilots finally destroyed the Death Star. This is NOT an ACKBAR victory, but a rebel victory. Don’t forget the real question: WHERE IS HIS LONG FORM MON CALAMARI BIRTH CERTIFICATE?

    • Ian

      He has no certificate of live birth because he was spawned.

      • Malaclypse

        But was he born in fresh water, and therefore eligible for high office, or is he a vile salt-water spawn bent on instituting the Law of the Sea?

        • asdfsdf

          Law of the Sea? Does the UN know no bounds!?

  • I’ll wait until I hear what Harry Seldon has to say.

  • wengler

    That’s one of the few internet articles where the comments are both worth reading and are much funnier than the article itself.

  • McKingford

    I refuse to believe a single shot from an x-wing fighter could blow up the Death Star. It smells more like an inside job to me…

    • Hogan

      Lord Vader just happens to get out alive? Connect the dots, people!

      • McKingford

        Vader *and* the Jews…

  • Tirxu

    Who is Obi-wan Kenobi, and why is it so important that we killed him?

    • IM

      Some kind of fictional Paul Muad’Dib.

      • Dogsbody

        That boy! It’s a good thing his father didn’t live to see the day he converted to that heathen desert religion, it would’ve broken the old man’s heart.

        • Lurker

          Actually, the old duke Atreides, Leto I, would have most likely converted himself, had he been given the chance. Leto was a ruthless, pragmatic man, who had already decided to win the Fremen on his side. Taking up their religion would not have worried Leto the least, as he was not a religiously-minded man. “Empire is worth a prayer-meeting”, as Henry of Navarre would have said. :-)

          Duke Paul, on the other hand, was on his way towards religious fanaticism already when the Atreides family took control of Dune. His mother and Duncan Idaho, the swordmaster, had taken care of that.

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