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With my vacation to the Midwest at last complete, it’s time to face the immense despair that usually accompanies my return home. For starters, I’m furious that Jesse Helms decided to surrender the carbon while I was nowhere near a computer. I neglected to include Helms in the erstwhile Worst American Birthday series; he certainly deserved the dishonor, if for no other reason than because he seeped from the womb on the very day that Charles Strite of Stillwater, Minnesota, received a patent for his pop-up electric toaster.

If I actually believed in hell, I’d envy the spit-jack who earned the duty of gently turning Helms’ carcass for eternity.

Meantime, I’ll have to content myself with mildly admiring this guy:

L.F. Eason III gave up the only job he’d ever had rather than lower a flag this week to honor former U.S. Sen. Jesse Helms.

Eason, a 29-year veteran of the state Department of Agriculture, instructed his staff at a small Raleigh lab not to fly the U.S. or N.C. flags at half staff Monday as called for in a directive to all state agencies by Gov. Mike Easley.

When a superior ordered the lab to follow the directive, Eason decided to retire rather than pay tribute to Helms.

I suppose there’s an argument to be made that only an idiot would allow the mouldering remains of Jesse Helms to force him into an unplanned, early retirement. But since I don’t place much value on raising or lowering the flag on anyone’s behalf, that’s to be expected. Flying it half-mast and upside-down might have been a decent compromise, though.

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  • Jay B.

    Meantime, I’ll have to content myself with mildly admiring this guy
    Fuck that. After the ahistorical treacle that passed out of the mouths of the idiots on the right and some others who should know fucking better “honoring” Helms, I think they should give this guy a medal of honor. At least he has some.
    Here’s the best obit I’ve yet read on that fuck. He couldn’t even bring home the proverbial bacon — so on top of being a cancer on the Body Republic, he was too lazy a hack to even steal for his constituents.

  • bh

    I’m with Jay B. on this one. And if you flip it around — a guy was essentially fired for refusing to honor, in 2008, a racist sack of shit, it’s really ugly.

  • d

    After the ahistorical treacle that passed out of the mouths of the idiots on the right and some others who should know fucking better “honoring” Helms…
    Yeah, I missed all this…. Sounds like it was a good thing I did.

  • DrDick

    Flying it half-mast and upside-down might have been a decent compromise, though.
    Of course then you would have to burn it as it had been irredeemably soiled and desecrated.

  • Ginger Yellow

    I don’t know. Personally, I think if he was going to resign, he should have done so on receiving the directive, rather than countermanding the governor’s order first.

  • Dan

    I don’t know. Personally, I think if he was going to resign, he should have done so on receiving the directive, rather than countermanding the governor’s order first.
    You’re saying that orders for state agencies to prostrate themselves before racists shouldn’t be countermanded?

  • Joshua

    I wish Hunter S. Thompson were alive to write a proper obituary for him, one worthy of being put next to his Nixon one.

  • Ginger Yellow

    “You’re saying that orders for state agencies to prostrate themselves before racists shouldn’t be countermanded?”
    Basically, yes. If you don’t feel you can follow a legal order from your boss, the appropriate response is not to simply disobey it, it’s either to get them to change their mind or to resign.

  • R. Porrofatto

    If he’d just substituted the Confederate flag for the flag of the Northern aggressor, he could have made his point and be hailed as a hero by Helms fans all at once. Probably get promoted.

  • Captain Goto

    My GF gets a little frightened at the death-fantasies that I avail myself of when I talk about the damage that Jesse and his ilk have wrought on the world. I simply refuse to pretend that I feel even the slightest shred of sorrow when someone like this buys the farm.
    He was a shit-headed, homophobic, vicious, racist fuckbag of an asshole, and I’m happy–not just glad–that he’s dead.

  • Captain Goto

    fuck. End tag…

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