Welcome to America. Your call is very important to us.

Para Espanol, oprima el ocho.

Please listen to this entire message before making your selection, as our menu has changed.

If you have suffered a gunshot wound, please press 1.

If you are currently overdosing on horse dewormer, please press 2.

If you are waiting for an ambulance that has not arrived because the people who are overdosing on horse dewormer have filled up the ICU so the ambulances with gunshot wound victims are having to wait to unload their passengers, please press 3.

If you did your own research on Facebook, please press 4.

If a leopard is eating your face, please press 5.

If you are drowning in a flood that the so-called experts claim was caused by climate change, please press 6.

If crying won’t help you, and praying won’t do you no good, please press 7.

Because of unusually heavy call volume, wait times may be longer than normal. Have a nice day.