The president of the United States was watching Fox and Friends this morning, and learned from Greenpeace co-founder Patrick Moore that climate change is a hoax:
Patrick Moore, co-founder of Greenpeace: “The whole climate crisis is not only Fake News, it’s Fake Science. There is no climate crisis, there’s weather and climate all around the world, and in fact carbon dioxide is the main building block of all life.” @foxandfriends Wow!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 12, 2019
Note: Patrick Moore did not co-found Greenpeace, and has no actual expertise on climate change or any other environmental issue.
Donald Trump is good at golf. We know this because he brings it up a lot, and sometimes asks other people to bring it up so that he can hear the stories about himself all over again. Here he is making the CEO of General Electric tell a story about the time that they were playing golf together and Trump got a hole-in-one, right after saying, “I’m the best golfer of all the rich people.”
You can tell it’s a great story because of how hard every single one of the barnacles in suits sitting around the table dissolve into laughter when it’s over, and from the appreciative way that Trump says the words “it’s a crazy, it’s a crazy” once the tale is told. That’s why everyone says “it’s a crazy, it’s a crazy” now, whenever someone gets done telling a really good story. Donald Trump started that and then it just took off, like never before, even though he never gets any credit for it.
Another way to tell that Donald Trump is a good golfer is that he has won 20 club championships, some of them overall men’s championships and some of them senior or super-senior championships and all of those at golf courses that Trump owns. The most recent of these, Golf.com reports, is a men’s championship from 2018, which Trump won at Trump International Golf Course. This is remarkable given that Trump is 72 years old—his last two championships at the course, in 2012 and 2013, were seniors titles—and played golf at one of his clubs a mere 76 times in 2018. It’s not out of the question that Trump could have won this title fair and square, as he is by wide acclaim considered to be the best golfer of all the rich people. Less-rich people that have played with Trump also say that he’s good. “Not real long in terms of hitting it a long distance,” in the words of Golf Digest reporter Jaime Diaz, who has played with Trump, “but he’s real straight and real consistent. So he’s always in play.”
But also it’s just absolutely fucking out of the question that Trump won the title fair and square. Physically, the man looks like some sort of hideous British dessert—some sort of meringue that’s been boiled for a day inside a pair of men’s underpants and somehow tastes exactly like baloney—and stands like he’s in the middle of a windstorm. A thin rivulet of beige liquid has been leaking from his ears since at least 2014. He is plainly in no condition to win any golf club’s golf championship—or even, as Golf.com’s Michael Bamberger reports, a co-championship, a distinction that didn’t make it onto the little plaque that Trump had screwed onto his locker at Trump International. And yet the plaque is there, and Trump is listed as the co-champion alongside a 58-year-old Trump International club member named Ted Virtue.
Virtue held that title outright, Bamberger writes, until “Trump ran into him at the club, according to multiple sources who recounted the story. Having some fun with him, Trump said something like, ‘The only reason you won is because I couldn’t play.’” Trump challenged Virtue to a nine-hole match-play playoff—that is, each hole scored independently and worth one point—for the title. “As in nearly all amateur golf rounds, no rules official was on hand. Golf’s tradition calls for players to police themselves and, if necessary, one another. Trump won. In victory a magnanimous Trump said to Virtue something like, ‘This isn’t fair—we’ll be co-champions.’”
And that’s the story of how Donald Trump won his 20th club championship.
“Ted Virtue” is a nice touch from the writers. This is all very much like The Pilgrim’s Progress, if John Bunyan had been obsessed with underage Russian prostitutes rather than theological doctrine.