Ze Goggles, Zey Do Nutting

For anyone watching tonight’s game, I present to you America’s greatest hero, the author of this letter:

I was invited to a dinner party at a friend’s apartment in Portland. It was to be a small gathering and we were to be enjoying a roasted chicken with numerous bottles of white wine. I was in the neighborhood about an hour early and decided to pop in the local bar and watch the first half of the Thursday night football game strictly for fantasy purposes. This was 19th Nov of last year, Titans/Jaguars. This was my first, personal interaction with the Color Rush uniforms. I wasn’t prepared for how horrible they really were until I had to stare at them for a half an hour. I remember sitting at the bar and repeatedly sighing “UGH” loudly and to no one in particular. I couldn’t even focus on the game, which was equally awful. I was so focused on hate-watching those god-damn uniforms.

Anyway, so I arrive at the party and I meet a gentleman who worked for Nike. If you go to any dinner party in Portland, there is a 75% chance that someone at the party works for Nike and a 95% chance they will be the biggest assholes there. Lucky for me, this guy was one of the five percent and we hit it off instantly, laughing and joking and getting to that point where we could be conversationally candid with each other.

I had mentioned that I had popped in to watch the game before I came to dinner. He casually asked how felt about the new uniforms. Sparkling after three glasses of wine, I proceeded to go on an unholy diatribe and listed EVERYTHING I thought about the uniforms. Highlights included:

1. Why would anyone use a fecal sample from someone with a compromised immune system and think that was a good color scheme for the Jacksonville Jaguars?

2. Jacksonville, Florida is a fetid shithole, so of course the color was inspired by day old nacho and beer vomit.

3. Thursday Night games are inherently unwatchable, so the next best idea is to make the uniforms so horrible, viewers can focus their hatred and despair on something else. Like the fact that the field is covered in monochromatic onesies that reduce the players to hordes of giant baby-men.

And so on.

My new friend sat quiet for a beat and said that he was the Creative Director of Design at Nike for the NFL (or something like that) and was PERSONALLY responsible for the design and concept of the Color Rush marketing scheme. And that he was also responsible for the new-look NBA uniforms when they get re-designed by Nike. I responded with a spit-take of Sancerre and sat back in my chair in an amazed silence.

I tried to counter with a half-assed “Well, maybe they’re not ALL BAD hahaha (more wine please)” but I gave up. Why should I apologize?? Those uniforms are an atrocity and there is no way to sugarcoat it. The rest of the dinner was slightly awkward but fuck it, I would’ve been more comfortable if he said he had founded ISIS.