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Who wants to entertain some Game of Thrones theories while we await the long winter’s arrival?

[ 71 ] August 28, 2015 |

meera reed jon snow 2

I have a take on the latest Game of Thrones fan-theory about Jon Snow because of course I do. Steven will, no doubt, demolish it in the comments — but for the moment, inasmuch as hope can exist in Westeros, it’s springing eternal.

The End of Clickbait

[ 43 ] August 18, 2015 |

Not that headline writers won’t continue to write it, mind you, they simply will never be able to top this.

“I knew I could never go home again”: The high cost of cooking (gumbo) on reality television

[ 11 ] August 16, 2015 |

I don’t think it’s much of a secret that I watch far too many reality cooking shows, so to say that I found this profile of Next Food Network Star finalist Jay Ducote really gratifying to write should go without saying.

Which isn’t to say I didn’t prefer the 3,500-word longer version that got nixed by networks and publicists for containing too much specific “behind the scenes” information, mind you. I don’t know what they thought I wasn’t going to include “behind the scenes” information given that I pitched the piece as a “behind the scenes” look at reality cooking television. But that’s neither here nor there.

“The Curse of the Parakeet”

[ 70 ] August 15, 2015 |

What’s it like to be a Mets fan? At the moment, it’s fantastic — the best young rotation in the league even absent two studs in Matz and Wheeler, a lineup that can feature eight players who can actually hit, and even guarded optimism that Wright is on the mend — so it stands to reason that announcers Gary Cohen and Keith Hernandez are spent time playing amateur ornithologists and embarking on SNY-sponsored parakeet watches:

canary01

KEITH: There it is, it’s on the backstop!

GARY: Where do you belong, little parakeet?

KEITH: He’s a long way from home.

GARY: If you’ve just come home work and are missing a yellow parakeet, we know where it is.

KEITH: It’s on the backstop!

(PARAKEET flies away after a foul ball)
KEITH: Where’s the parakeet?

GARY: It’s gone now.

KEITH: There it is! It’s over to the right. Tell Dave to hell with what’s on the field, show the damn parakeet.

During the following game — in which newly acquired outfielder Cespedes could be seen sporting a bright yellow batting sleeve and matching necklace — the Coors Light Cold Hard Facts came to you courtesy of:

canary02

As soon as the graphic appeared on screen, Gary and Keith were off again, noting the number of critical tweets and emails they’d received about their alleged misidentification of the “Rally Parakeet,” which was to the eyes of some viewers clearly a “Rally Canary.” Keith insisted that he’d kept parakeets as a child and that it was a parakeet, while Gary did what play-by-play announcers are wont to do and held up his hands as if to say, “I’m just telling you what people are saying, Keith.”

Because the Mets won again in thrilling fashion, however, the issue could not go unaddressed, so when the team went down 1-0 in the top of the first inning of the next game, Gary said it might be time to break out the “Rally Canary” early and the director — the aforementioned “Dave” — immediately cut to a series of shots of people around Citi Field wearing or in possession of bright yellow paraphernalia and Keith couldn’t take it anymore:

canary03

He said in English, of course, and suggested that if people continue to refer to it as a “Rally Canary” it would lose whatever magical properties it possessed. The Mets eventually tied the game, but Parnell gave up two runs in the top of the tenth.

Down 2-1 in the bottom of the tenth, Lagares doubled and moved to third on a wild pitch. When Granderson drove him in with a sacrifice fly, Gary opined “maybe there’s something to this ‘Rally Canary'” and Keith audibly sighed when Cepedes struck out swinging and Uribe grounded out to third.

The post-game wrap-up is not included in MLB.tv, so I don’t know what was said, but if it didn’t consist of Keith repeatedly saying “I told you so” I’d be very disappointed.

If this team doesn’t make the postseason, we’re going to be talking about “The Curse of the Parakeet” for many sad years, I fear.

 

About that McQueary abomination

[ 45 ] August 14, 2015 |

I couldn’t let it pass unremarked upon either.

UPDATE: Al had his own “hot take” too:

I want to — but can’t — hate the person who roped me into this conversation

[ 57 ] August 13, 2015 |

My email was added to some conversation about whether or not Robert E. Lee was a racist or a patriot, the majority of the claims made therein were beyond ridiculous, but I ignored it because I’m not one to feed trolls who write things like “You sought to destroy the legacy of a truly great man, and you were called on by alpha males, so shut up and crawl back in the sewer you came from.”

But the sentence that followed that was one up with which I could not put, because it was delivered with absolute seriousness: “Don’t mess with bulls, you’ll get the horns.”

To which I responded, because as a child of the ’80s, I couldn’t not:
Read more…

The Swearengen Times: A Coarser Publication for a More Profane Time

[ 17 ] August 13, 2015 |

swearengen.fw

I’m fucking terrible at writing headlines, so I hired me a cocksucker who can:

Campaign dispatches from alternate universe America

[ 45 ] August 5, 2015 |

You know you want to live in this universe — you know you do.

Quick Salon labor update

[ 7 ] August 1, 2015 |

SALONUNION3

More information here. Yes, someone at Salon should actually cover this, but we’re all exhausted beyond the telling, so it’s going to have to wait.

Also, in terms of the clickbait-to-content ratio at Salon that Other Scott’s complaining about, it’s worth juxtaposing the sudden reappearance of Paglia with the current labor dispute and wondering if there isn’t some sort of connection between the two, as was alluded to in the previous IBT article.

Jonah’s got some competition!

[ 15 ] July 23, 2015 |

On paper, the race looks a less close than when you actually hear the words exiting his mouth in the video:

On “Hannity” Wednesday night, host Sean Hannity spoke to the man behind the Planned Parenthood hoax, and as you can probably guess, the conversation wasn’t going to be about the way in which the videos were deceptively edited.

“For the past two-and-a-half years,” David Daleiden said, “the Center for Medical Progress conducted a long-term, in-depth, comprehensive investigative journalism study,” a self-assessment that rivals Jonah Goldberg’s claim that “Liberal Fascism” would be “a very serious, thoughtful, argument that has never been made in such detail or with such care.” Patent overcompensation notwithstanding, Daleiden said that the purpose of this “study” was to determine “how exactly Planned Parenthood harvests and sells the body parts of the babies they abort.”

That those body parts aren’t actually sold — Planned Parenthood is reimbursed for expenses related to the delivery of the specimens — isn’t the point. Hannity didn’t invite Daleiden on to interrogate him, after all…

You don’t need to have attended my Internet Film School to spot the glitches in the Matrix in the Sandra Bland arrest video

[ 54 ] July 22, 2015 |

Given what the Waller County Sheriff’s Department didn’t edit out, I shudder to think at what they did.

The only problem I had was narrowing the list down to eight

[ 58 ] July 21, 2015 |

On the heels of his very stupid statements about shark attacks yesterday, I decided to remind American why Brian Kilmeade of “Fox & Friends” is a national treasure:

Brian Kilmeade is, without a doubt, intended to be a walking punchline on a program already full of them — “Fox & Friends” co-host Steve Doocy’s area of expertise is, after all, being a man who eats — so when he wondered yesterday why “they” don’t just “have a way of clearing the waters [of sharks] before a surfing competition of this level,” most observers weren’t surprised that Kilmeade believes we have the technology to rid the oceans of an entire class of animals.

But instead of lingering on whether he thinks America has a shark-vacuum, a laser-equipped satellite capable of identifying and eliminating sharks from space, or a weather-controlling machine capable of suctioning up the offending fishes in a series of spectacular sharknadoes, we here at Salon thought it would be better to remind readers of the greatest things Fox News’ resident man-child has said, beginning with…

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