For those of you who don’t follow me on Facebook but have always wanted to get in on the ground of an SEK-level event, my Facebook feed is visible to the public and things are about to get very, very hilarious.
Author Page for SEK
This may be of interest to some of you. I only post the OLDMAN CAT posts that aren’t too self-referential or self-involved here, but 100 percent of all OLDMAN CAT posts will be on his new Facebook page, which in the two days since I put it up have given me new insight as to how Marshall Mathers must feel about “Eminem.”
On another note, a certain artistically talented person who posts here is collaborating with a certain elderly feline on a project. GET EXCITED PEOPLE 2016 IS THE YEAR OF OLDMAN CAT.
I’m inordinately proud of what I can accomplish when I have more than 10 minutes to collect my thoughts — or in this case, the Donald’s — and do something like this to them.
Remember when that’s what blogging was like? We are so old, and so broken now.
(Because it is finally cold in Louisiana, today we allowed the Great Dane I affectionately refer to as THE HORSE hang out in the laundry room with the door closed)
OLDMAN CAT: I DON’T MEAN TO ALARM YOU
SEK: THEN USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE.
OLDMAN CAT: BUT YOU NEED TO BE VERY ALARMED THIS IS VERY ALARMING
SEK: What’s “very alarming”?
OLDMAN CAT: THE ROOM IN WHICH THE BANGING HAPPENS
SEK: Couldn’t think of a better way to put it, could you?
OLDMAN CAT: THERE’S EVEN MORE BANGING IN THERE NOW
SEK: There is?
OLDMAN CAT: ALSO A SMELL
SEK: Clean laundry?
OLDMAN CAT: NO THE OPPOSITE
SEK: Dirty laundry?
OLDMAN CAT: EVEN MORE OPPOSITE
SEK: That’s not how that works, but continue.
OLDMAN CAT: I WILL STAND GUARD
SEK: Thank you.
OLDMAN CAT: I WILL NOT LET YOU BE BANGED
SEK: Phrasing, little man.
OLDMAN CAT: YOU WILL NEVER BE BANGED AGAIN
SEK: This is on purpose now, isn’t it?
OLDMAN CAT: SO LONG AS I LIVE YOU WILL NEVER BE BANGED
SEK: Will you get away from the laundry door already, you little shit?
OLDMAN CAT: REMEMBER MY PROMISE I LOVE YOU BYE
Couched sarcastically, of course, because I’m still me, but this happened today:
— Scott Eric Kaufman (@scottekaufman) December 28, 2015
And I’m actually not kidding. I gave Fieri a little bit of snark in a piece I wrote earlier, but I also acknowledged that he’s done more for small businesses than any Republican in recent memory, and received an outpouring of supportive email from Fieri supporters — owners of restaurants only still in business because of him, leaders of motorcycle gangs who plan their summer road trips around Diners, Drive-In, and Dives, etc. — so I contacted his representatives and I’ve got an interview scheduled for after the New Year.
So I’m putting it out there — outside of the branding, about which I already know how you feel, what do you think about the project behind the show? It’s the most popular program, by far, on Food Network — only Chopped approaches it — but its ethos is decidedly in line with ours. (Unless you’re that guy, in which case, this is just another example of lower class privilege, whatever that means.) Point being, set snark aside, admit to your guilty pleasure, and feel free to relay questions about why Guy Fieri pretends to like matzo balls that my bubbie would come to blows over if she heard about that recipe…
…or, you know, other questions. I’ve got that matzo ball one covered, my grandma wouldn’t forgive me if I didn’t.
…with the VanderMeer Winter Mix Tape Bundle. Jeff and Ann VanderMeer are the two greatest living curators of science fiction in my humble opinion, and the works they’re including in this bundle are worth whatever you decide to pay for them — which is up to you. They need $300 to meet their goal for the year, and I’m sure we can help them achieve that. Here’s their announcement:
OLDMAN CAT: IN YOUR FACE
SEK: Get off my chest, I’m trying to sleep.
OLDMAN CAT: ON YOUR NECK IN YOUR FACE
SEK: Can’t breathe here.
OLDMAN CAT: ON YOUR NECK STEALING YOUR BREATH IN YOUR FACE
SEK: OK, off you go.
OLDMAN CAT: STANDING ON YOUR SHOULDER STEALING YOUR BREATH IN YOUR FACE
OLDMAN CAT: PAWING AT YOUR EYEBALL STANDING ON YOUR SHOULDER STEALING YOUR BREATH IN YOUR FACE
SEK: Knock it off.
OLDMAN CAT: HOWLING IN YOUR EAR PAWING AT YOUR EYEBALL STANDING ON YOUR SHOULDER STEALING YOUR BREATH IN YOUR FACE
SEK: Is there any food in your bowl?
OLDMAN CAT: NO
SEK: Fine, fine, I’m getting up.
OLDMAN CAT:IN YOUR FACE
OLDMAN CAT: I AM A PIRATE
SEK: And what are you pirating?
OLDMAN CAT: I FLY THE JOLLY RANCHER
SEK: I think you mean “Jolly Roger”?
OLDMAN CAT: NO I MEAN JOLLY RANCHER I FLY IT HERE IT COMES
SEK: Where’d you get candy?
OLDMAN CAT: I PIRATED IT
SEK: Where’d you pirate it from?
OLDMAN CAT: A PIRATE NEVER PLUNDERS AND TELLS
SEK: Seriously, where’d you get that candy?
OLDMAN CAT: SERIOUSLY I AM A PIRATE OF HONOR I WILL NOT TELL
SEK: Fine, well give this to me and go pirate a sunbeam or something.
(Three minutes pass)
OLDMAN CAT: I AM A PIRATE I FLY THE JOLLY RANCHER…
I don’t even need to entice you — you want to read this.
(SEK is on line at the gas station waiting for a pump to open, listening to the “Hamilton” soundtrack, admittedly too loudly because he is deaf, when OLD WHITE MAN ambles up and taps on his window.)
OLD WHITE MAN: (angrily) …!
SEK: (rolls down window) Sorry, what, I couldn’t hear you?
OLD WHITE MAN: (irately) …!
SEK: (turns down “Hamilton” soundtrack) Sorry, again, what can I do you for?
OLD WHITE MAN: Turn that crap down.
Thomas, that was a real nice declaration,
Welcome to the present, we’re running a real nation.
Would you like to join us, or stay mellow,
Doin’ whatever the hell it is you do in Monticello?
OLD WHITE MAN: Turn your nigger music down, there are kids here.
OLD WHITE MAN: This used to be a Christian nation.
A civics lesson from a slaver? Hey neighbor,
Your debts are paid cuz you don’t pay for labor.
“We plant seeds in the South. We create,”
Yeah, keep ranting, we know who’s really doing the planting.
(OLD WHITE MAN walks back to his car. SEK attempts to pick up his jaw from the floor mats of his.)
SEK: (to himself) WHAT. THE. FUCK.
[Following due consideration, post title updated]
(SEK is watching an episode of The Good Wife featuring an investigator who can’t seem to find a babysitter. OLDMAN CAT is asleep at the foot of the bed.)
OLDMAN CAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT
SEK: What the fuck is what?
OLDMAN CAT: YOU DIDN’T HEAR THAT SHIT
SEK: I heard no shit.
OLDMAN CAT: MOTHERFUCKING DEVILS FROM HELL COME TO EAT US
SEK: I heard no devils from anywhere with any intent.
OLDMAN CAT: YOU SERIOUSLY CAN’T HEAR THAT
SEK: I seriously hear nothing.
OLDMAN CAT: IT’S THE SOUND I MAKE WHEN YOU PUT ME IN THE BLENDER
SEK: I’ve never put you in the blender.
OLDMAN CAT: BUT THE NEXT TIME YOU DO THAT’S WHAT I’LL SOUND LIKE
SEK: Are you talking about the baby?
OLDMAN CAT: WHAT IS BABY
SEK: The little person on the television.
OLDMAN CAT: THEY PREFER “DWARF”
SEK: Now you’re just being a dick. Go back to bed, I’ll mute it the next time the baby’s on screen.
(Five minutes pass)
OLDMAN CAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT
SEK: You in a blender, I hear…
SEK, Sarah Rasher, and Graphic Policy on Jessica Jones: Our mediated lives and the struggle to strip-mine them for meaning
“The Jew Kaufman” appeared on an accidentally special all-Jew, Hanukkah episode of Graphic Policy’s “Jonesing for Jessica” podcast with Brett, Elana, and another guest, Sarah Rasher. It was only supposed to last for an hour, but it lasted for…
…sorry, recycling the jokes I made before the show and repeated on-air is bad form. But the conversation — as any conversation about the show will inevitably be — took many a dark turn, with frank discussions of PTSD, misogyny, drug and alcohol addiction, the men’s rights advocates and their idolization of Kilgrave, as well as a few filmic observations about homages to Blowup and Rope in the fourth episode.