Subscribe via RSS Feed

Author Page for SEK

rss feed

Visit SEK's Website

YOUR WATER IS WRONG

[ 17 ] June 27, 2016 |

OLDMAN VIRGIL: WHY YOU PUT WATER BOWL ON HEAD

SEK: It’s not a water bowl, it’s an ice pack.

OLDMAN VIRGIL: WHY YOU PUT WATER BOWL ON HEAD

SEK: It’s not a — I have a migraine.

OLDMAN VIRGIL: I WANT SOME

SEK: Some what?

OLDMAN VIRGIL: GIVE ME YOUR GRAIN

SEK: I don’t think you —

OLDMAN VIRGIL: ALL YOUR GRAIN NOW

SEK: You want my grain? You’ll have to put my water bowl on your head first.

OLDMAN VIRGIL: DEAL NOW PUT WATER BOWL ON MY — WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

SEK: My “water bowl.”

OLDAMN VIRGIL: YOUR WATER IS WRONG

SEK: It is what it is.

OLDMAN VIRGIL: IT IS BROKEN YOU CAN KEEP YOUR GRAIN

SEK: Thanks, now how about some quiet time?

FOLLOW OLDMAN CAT ON FACEBOOK BECAUSE WHY NOT SO DO IT NOW ALREADY

FacebookTwitterGoogle+Share

Dear folks who supported Sanders as much as I did — it’s called a mirror, look in it

[ 429 ] June 9, 2016 |

The primary fight was well fought, and it pulled the congenital centrist to her left, but at this point, all that matters is this:

The Norotious R.B.G.: 83 years old
Anthony Kennedy: 79 years old
Stephen Breyer: 77 years old

I’m not saying those ages should’ve had matter BEFORE we shifted into the general election — I think I made who I supported pretty fucking clear — but now that that shift has in fact occurred, we have to remember that sometimes principles are more important than parties, and presidents less important than ideals.

In short, we need to remember that the majority of what we’ve gained in the past seven years under an Obama administration has had far more to do with the composition of the Supreme Court than who occupied the White House.

I’m not saying you have to like it. I’m not saying you have to approve of anything. I’m not saying you have to kowtow to the chant of historic claims.

I’m just saying that if you let your personal disappointment pave the way for a Trump-nominated Supreme Court in which the gains in civil rights for the LGBTQ community are curtailed, in which Obamacare is scaled back, in which already restricted voting rights for minorities are further limited, in which abortion becomes a back-alley procedure again — if you let your personal heartache hurt all those people, can you really call yourself a liberal?

This is a serious question, and it ain’t about any particular candidates. It’s just something to think about before you start bawking/balking about who you’re voting for. This isn’t capitulation — it’s the future of civil rights for actual American human beings who are not you, as well as for the very definition of this country as a nation of immigrants.

We shouldn’t become a nation of nativist wall-builders — because if I remember correctly, even someone despised by the left once urged someone to tear down some wall, and it was the right fucking idea then, and it is, preemptively even, the right fucking idea now.

Life is difficult. Decisions are contingent and imperfect. Stop trying impose what has, in this election cycle, proven to be an assailable idealism on an election that requires defeating an opponent unlike any since Andrew Jackson.

I don’t want to support her either, or the DNC, or triangulation — but she’s not deflecting questions about whether she’d accept the support of the KKK and Stormfront, so all you Sanders supporters on my timeline considering flipping to Trump?

Fuck the fuck you.

Just — never mind, there’s no “just” here.

It’s simply “Fuck the fuck you,” like turtles, all the way down. If you’re so wounded as to prefer someone who won’t denounce Klansman and Nazis to preserve a key portion of his demographic in order to defeat Hillary Clinton, you’re profoundly broken.

SEK’s Big Adventure, Part Whatever-It-Is-At-This-Point-I-Give-Up

[ 39 ] June 4, 2016 |

Today started weird, then got weirder:

SEK: Hello, Mr. Rooster.

ROOSTER ON SEK’S PORCH: (walks like roosters own the place)

SEK: Why are you on my porch?

ROOSTER ON SEK’S PORCH: (walks like roosters own the place)

SEK: Don’t you have someplace you belong?

ROOSTER ON SEK’S PORCH: (walks like roosters own the place)

SEK: You know there’s both a TINY OUTSIDE CAT and a SLIGHTLY LARGER OUTSIDE CAT who frequent this place?

ROOSTER ON SEK’S PORCH: (walks like roosters own the place)

SEK: You don’t understand a fucking word I’m saying, do you?

ROOSTER ON SEK’S PORCH: (walks like roosters own the place)

SEK: Get off my porch, Mr. Rooster.

ROOSTER ON SEK’S PORCH: (walks like roosters own the place)

SEK: Seriously, get off my —

ROOSTER ON SEK’S PORCH: (ENTERS EXTREME DEATH ROOSTER ATTACK MODE)

SEK: OK I WILL GO INSIDE YOU CONTINUE TO ROOSTER OUT HERE AS LONG AS YOU’D LIKE

ROOSTER ON SEK’S PORCH: (walks like roosters own the place)

Whither SEK? Also, more importantly, happy birthday LGM and donate, donate, donate

[ 32 ] May 31, 2016 |

Birthdays are a good excuse to get back in touch with old friends, so I figure why not now? But before I do so, remember to donate, we’re not all starving, but you know me, I’m an incident away from living in gutter, so donate. As for where I’ve been, of course there’s my day job in which I help ruin once pristine institutions, and there’s the big divorce and big move and big surgery, but what I haven’t mentioned here is that the big surgery apparently led to something which is utterly real but sounds invented — sudden deafness.

The treatment for this is a steroid regimen that has prevented me from eating solid foods for a few weeks now, and not that I want to contradict Rob, but some of us are indeed starving. (Albeit for a good cause.) So for those of you wondering where the Game of Thrones podcasts went, now you know. Steven’s not actually predictable enough that I don’t need to listen to what he says to respond, so I’ve been useless.

Less than useless, actually, for verging on a month or more now. But one of the things I did do when I thought the steroids wouldn’t work and I’d be deaf forever was compulsively listen to and write about my favorite music, and even though it looks like I’ll be hearing again for the foreseeable future, I thought I might share/you might enjoy some of my musings, and since it’s my blog too (sort of) here we go:

Read more…

Here is the SEK you know and love and is still alive (barely)

[ 72 ] March 24, 2016 |

[I found this in my Gmail “Drafts” folder after my appendectomy. Yes, right, by the by — I had an appendectomy. Anyway, I have no memory of writing it, but it damn sure sounds like me. In my defense, you wake up in pain, afraid, and alone, and you’d likely be a bit ornery too.]

DOCTOR: How would you rate your pain on a scale of —

SEK: ELEVEN BILLION

DOCTOR: On a scale of one to —

SEK: CHESTBURSTER

DOCTOR: One to ten.

SEK: ELEVEN BILLION AND CHESTBURSTER

DOCTOR: That’s not a number.

SEK: YOU’RE NOT A NUMBER

DOCTOR: So it hurts?

SEK: IT JOHN HURTS MOTHERFUCKER

DOCTOR: We’re going to take care of you.

SEK: NOT IF I TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST

DOCTOR: You came through with flying —

SEK: YOU CAME THROUGH WITH FLYING —

DOCTOR: Are you just going to repeat what I say now?

SEK: AM I JUST GOING TO —

DOCTOR: [STARES]

SEK: [sheepishly] I HURT ELEVEN BILLION AND CHESTBURSTER

DOCTOR: I’ll forgive you — this time.

SEK: I’LL FORGIVE YOU —

DOCTOR: [GLOWERS]

SEK: THANK YOU KIND WOMAN [hesitates] HERE IS MY “MUST ALWAYS RESUSCITATE” ORDER

DOCTOR: This is a napkin.

SEK: TURN IT OVER

DOCTOR: “We’ll do whatever it takes, God damn it, I won’t let him die on my table.” Cute.

SEK: NOT CUTE TRUTH

DOCTOR: You do realize we already did the surgery, right? You’re post-op.

SEK: OF COURSE

DOCTOR: We’re just monitoring you now.

SEK: I KNOW THAT

DOCTOR: Of course you do.

My reaction to learning of Zack Snyder’s love of “The Fountainhead”?

[ 94 ] March 18, 2016 |

Thrilled and shocked, I tell you.

Thrilled and shocked.

Excerpt:

Zack Snyder’s announcement on Thursday that he has “been working on [Ayn Rand’s] ‘The Fountainhead,’” because he’s always “felt like ‘The Fountainhead’ was such a thesis on the creative process and what it is to create something” only surprised those who haven’t been paying attention to Snyder’s particular brand of formally derivative, philosophically empty film-making, in which rich comic-book tapestries are ripped from their panels and transformed into pointless spectacles of sex and violence…

In retrospect, I should’ve turned this into a real-life Marx Bros. routine

[ 43 ] March 16, 2016 |

UNKNOWN ASIAN WOMAN AT MY FRONT DOOR: Hello? Hello? Are you in there?

SEK: I am — hold on, let me secure the cats.

UNKNOWN ASIAN WOMAN AT MY FRONT DOOR: Sorry, I’m looking for the other one. Are you watching Supergirl?

SEK: No, election results — but I do watch Supergirl, why do you ask?

UNKNOWN ASIAN WOMAN AT MY FRONT DOOR: No reason, I was looking for the other one anyway.

SEK: OK, hope you find it. (closes front door)

UNKNOWN ASIAN WOMAN AT MY OFFICE DOOR: Hello? Hello? Are you in there?

SEK: (opens front door) That’s me too.

UNKNOWN ASIAN WOMAN AT MY OFFICE DOOR: No, I’m looking for the one that’s here.

SEK: That’s my office. Hold on. (closes front door, walks to office, opens office door) See? This one is also me.

UNKNOWN ASIAN WOMAN AT MY OFFICE DOOR: What happened to the other one?

SEK: I just moved in, I’m not sure.

UNKNOWN ASIAN WOMAN AT MY OFFICE DOOR: Maybe the other man knows.

SEK: (to self) She’s not going to do it, she’s not going to do it, she’s not going to…

UNKNOWN ASIAN WOMAN AT MY FRONT DOOR AGAIN: Hello? Hello? Are you in there?

SEK: (closes office door, walks to living room, opens front door) Still me!

UNKNOWN ASIAN WOMAN AT MY FRONT DOOR: Where’s the other one?

God damn it, you people…

[ 44 ] March 16, 2016 |

valleywind
I have work to do this morning and the UPS man just delivered a package containing this and a note:

Here’s a housewarming gift from your friends in the LGM comment section. Enjoy!

P.S. Feel free to write a series of posts, preferably in chronological order, breaking down the development of his signature style.

I’m supposed to be working here, not on the verge of tears. Y’all are the best.

No need to debate who won the Internet today…

[ 29 ] March 11, 2016 |

wieners circle
it’s the Wiener’s Circle.

(And yes — some days puns do indeed matter.)

BATTLE STATIONS BATTLE STATIONS NEVER MIND RETREAT RETREAT

[ 19 ] March 8, 2016 |
"Portrait of a Chickenshit as an OLDMAN" by Megan Nowell Photography (2016)

“Portrait of a Chickenshit as an OLDMAN CAT” by Megan Nowell Photography (2016)

OLDMAN VIRGIL: DO YOU HEAR THAT

SEK: Hear what?

OLDMAN VIRGIL: THE SKITTERING

SEK: I do not.

OLDMAN VIRGIL: IT IS COMING FROM THE PORCH

SEK: I’ll investigate. You’re safe, nerds, it’s just a tiny —

OLDMAN MUND: HOLY FUCK IT’S A MOUSE RUN AWAY RUN AWAY

SEK: You did not just say that.

OLDMAN MUND: BATTLE STATIONS BATTLE STATIONS NEVER MIND RETREAT RETREAT

SEK: Are you serious?

OLDMAN MUND: ALL CATS COMMENCE SIDEWAYS HOPPING

OLDMAN VIRGIL: I WOULD BUT I’M TIRED GOOD NIGHT

SEK: What is wrong with you two?

OLDMAN MUND: TO THE HALLWAY IF YOU WANT TO LIVE

SEK: Do you even know what you are?

OLDMAN VIRGIL: NOT ASLEEP YET SHUT UP YOU TWO

OLDMAN MUND: THIS IS IT

SEK: It really isn’t.

OLDMAN MUND: TELL THE OTHER MOMMA I LOVE HER WAIT WHERE DID THE MOUSE GO

SEK: I closed the door.

OLDMAN MUND: SO WHERE IS IT

SEK: Still outside, where it’s always been.

OLDMAN MUND: WELL I SHOWED IT

SEK: Your true colors, you little chickenshit.

Dinesh D’Souza just tried to refute my beatdown of his new trailer by…

[ 95 ] March 7, 2016 |

referencing, well, a book with which I’m intimately familiar.

Here’s my take on his new trailer — which is far more subtle than the trailer itself, I should add — and here’s my response to his attempt to use Jonah against me.

Seriously, people, don’t make it so easy for me to beat you down, because the Goddamn Batman is in a mood, and well that pretty much sums it up.

WHY IS THIS TABLE STICKY

[ 36 ] March 7, 2016 |

OLDMAN CAT: WHY IS THIS TABLE STICKY

SEK: Good question. Why is this table sticky?

OLDMAN CAT: ASKED YOU FIRST

SEK: I’m not the one who made it sticky.

OLDMAN CAT: ME NEITHER ALL I DID WAS

SEK: All you did was what?

OLDMAN CAT: NOTHING

SEK: What did you do?

OLDMAN CAT: FINE I DRANK FROM YOUR WATER BOWL AFTER YOU FELL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH

SEK: My water bowl? You mean my coffee cup?

OLDMAN CAT: THE ONE THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE MY WATER BOWL

SEK: That’s because we just moved and they’re the only damn cups I can find at the moment.

OLDMAN CAT: GOOD WE’RE ON THE SAME PAGE

SEK: No, we’re not. I don’t always put water in my water bowl.

OLDMAN CAT: YOU ARE NOT KIDDING

SEK: Why would I kid about that?

OLDMAN CAT: THAT BILGE YOU HAD IN THERE LAST NIGHT PISSED ME OFF

SEK: It was warm ginger ale and vodka.

OLDMAN CAT: IT PISSED ME OFF

SEK: So let me guess, you stuck your paw in it, banged it around, made the splashy noise?

OLDMAN CAT: DAMN RIGHT I DID

SEK: And your original question was?

OLDMAN CAT: WHY IS THIS TABLE STICKY

Page 2 of 8312345...102030...Last »