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What’s eating them?

Photo by Kirsty TG on Unsplash

If you don’t enjoy analysis of the Food Authenticity of Politicians, you’re really not going to enjoy this election cycle.

The issue is that the sight of women eating upsets a segment of the population that is also heavily represented by the people who are paid to cover the latest gossip politics. Eating is one of the many ways we insist on exercising control over our bodies like we’re real human beings. While no one has tried to make it illegal for us to eat, yet, society does put a lot of effort into convincing women that they should view consuming food with more shame than we do expelling waste. A woman who expresses an interest in food that isn’t centered around how much of it she is allowed to consume or preparing it for others is a renegade. A woman whose attitude towards eating food is “Je ne regrette rien,” almost certainly weighs the same as a duck.

But the authenticity police and sincerity investigators and contrivance auditors who keep tabs on women in politics can’t go around howling just because a woman is eating. So they go around howling about really bizarre things that are wrong with the way women eat.

They weren’t angry because Sec. Hillary Clinton had supposedly been toting a bottle of hot sauce around on the off chance a reporter would ask her a stupid question about the contents of her purse and she could pander to African-American voters, all of whom had memorized the lyrics to BeyoncĂ©’s “Formation,” as required by law. They were angry because a woman takes steps to make sure she always enjoys her meals.

They weren’t angry because Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand was briefly confused about how to eat chicken and waffles. They were angry because a woman was unabashedly eating something that is filling and fun and that contains considerably more calories than a stick of celery, a raisin and a spoonful of milk.

And that brings us to the latest but certainly not the last food pas, when Sen. Kamala Harris ate collard greens with hot sauce. By this point members of the FAP patrol were so wound up that they pounced with cries of “Ah-ha!” and “Gotcha!”

Then they were faced with the task of explaining what they were ahha gotchaing about. Again, they couldn’t come out and say they were upset by the sight of a woman enjoying a plate of barbecue so they extruded a convoluted attack that can be summarized as Harris should have known that hot sauce is verboten because Clinton turned it into a symbol of pandering to black voters.

Does it make sense? Of course not. The stated cause of outrage and the actual cause are so far apart that coherence. But it doesn’t have to make sense because the source of the outrage is a woman. Prepare yourselves for deep thoughts on what the number of times Warren chews each bite before she swallows says about how she will govern, and the deep secrets revealed by the toppings Klobuchar puts on her tacos.

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