NFL Open Thread: Vegas Edition
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Mike Tanier has an interesting article outlining a dream offense. (As one of the many people who snarked about Norv Turner’s arranged marriage to Cam Newton, let me formally acknowledge that he’s done a nice job in Carolina. Don’t hire him as a head coach tho.) I also enjoyed the anti-Dream Team:
Head coach: Mike McCarthy, Green Bay Packers. The only person in the world capable of stopping Aaron Rodgers in his prime. McCarthy will install his signature passing-route concepts for us. Both of them.
Quarterback: Nathan Peterman, Free Agent. Do we really need to explain this one?
Running back: LeGarrette Blount, Detroit Lions. Three feet and a cloud of dust, plus the Jedi mind-trick ability to fool coaches into giving him red-zone carries because he used to break tackles long ago.
Wide receiver: Kelvin Benjamin, Buffalo Bills. Here in The Bad Place, 50-50 balls have a 95 percent chance of getting knocked out of the receiver’s hands by a gentle breeze.
Wide receiver: Jarvis Landry, Cleveland Browns. He’ll lead our team in touches, with 15 catches on 20 shallow-cross targets each week for 72 yards, all for just $15 million in cap space.
Wide receiver: Tavon Austin, Dallas Cowboys. He’ll spend the offseason convincing you he’s the ultimate all-purpose rusher-receiver-returner, and then lose two yards on a bubble screen.
Tight end: Tyler Eifert, Cincinnati Bengals. From the Ironic Punishments Department: Eifert will make a one-handed 30-yard catch over the middle on the first play from scrimmage, but then get injured.
Offensive line coach: Tom Cable, Oakland Raiders. We’ll give everyone’s favorite pass-protection saboteur Ereck Flowers (Jaguars), Jets center Spencer Long (who forgot how to snap this season) and a bunch of decent veterans he can injure by forcing them to suddenly play out of position.
Play concept: The three-yard checkdown on 3rd-and-25. We’ll complete just enough of these to make everyone’s stats look good, so no one gets fired, and our Offense of Nightmares can endure for eternity. Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
And since I am often derided for not devoting sufficient attention to the National Chalk Association, let me say that in honor of a beloved and, ah, highly focused LGM commenter, I placed the following wagers over the last two days during my Vegas Thanksgiving:
A score like this happens ONCE IN A LIFETIME. Kudos to Denver in the second game for blowing enough of a huge lead to make the game exciting but not so much as to actually lose the bet. In case you’re curious about where I reinvested the modest winnings, Colts -8.5, Eagles -5, Jags -3. Feel free to make fun of me when these all go sideways.