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Horton hears a subtweet

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I love libraries.

The waiters know well Trump’s personal preferences. As he settles down, they bring him a Diet Coke, while the rest of us are served water, with the Vice President sitting at one end of the table. With the salad course, Trump is served what appears to be Thousand Island dressing instead of the creamy vinaigrette for his guests. When the chicken arrives, he is the only one given an extra dish of sauce. At the dessert course, he gets two scoops of vanilla ice cream with his chocolate cream pie, instead of the single scoop for everyone else.

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  • rea
  • calling all toasters

    It’s not as dark as the sequel, “Should I Grab That Pussy?”

    • wjts

      It’s a pity that man never read Don’t Let the Putin Drive the Bus.

      • Paul Ryan keeps reading The Big Guy Took My Balls.

        • Gregor Sansa

          Ummm… something something The Knuckle-Tiny?

          • Dennis Orphen

            (laughs aloud, feels inspired)

            All Fingers Short and Vulgar

          • And its widely acclaimed follow-up, Knuckle-Tiny Too: A Case of Mistaken Nationality.

            • Gregor Sansa

              And Knuckle-Tiny Freak: an Unexpected Double-Diskelion.

              (On a totally unrelated note: I find that sometimes puns are funnier the more utterly strained they are. The more the listener to has to work to even see the joke, the funnier they will find it. Or at least so I hope.)

              • As a dad, you’ll get no argument here. Puns – especially strained and/or bad ones – are a critical component of dad jokes.

    • Warren Terra

      ProPublica today revealed who Trump intends to nominate as the USDA’s chief scientist: a talk-radio blowhard with no education or experience in the area who is not exactly the Lorax.

      • Dennis Orphen

        That’s not Terry Jones in a fat suit? I need new glasses. I mean contacts, I like my skull with only seven holes in it.

        • BiloSagdiyev

          Well, the easy way to tell them apart is that Monty Python’s Terry Jones is suffering from dementia… oh wait…

      • The Lorax

        This is my shocked face.

      • A bit of a step down from the first Commissioner of Agriculture, Isaac Newton.

  • N__B

    Gerald and Piggy are beautiful and do not deserve to be tainted with Trumpismus.

    • I agree that Gerald and Piggie are beautiful. But I don’t think talking about them in this context taints them in any way — Trump would do well to learn the simple lessons of kindness and morality that those books teach.

  • tsam

    Horton Hears a Douche.

  • efgoldman

    I think it’s miscatalogued as fiction.

    ETA: And I’ve been thinking about the Phish Food I have in the freezer, since dinner.

  • McAllen

    Apparently the villain from one of Roald Dahl’s lesser-known works has somehow entered our reality and gotten elected president.

    • Colin Day

      Baron von Bomburst? (Chitty Chitty Bang Bang).

      • NonyNony

        That was Ian Fleming, not Dahl. (Though Dahl wrote the screenplay.)

        • TheoLib

          One of my favorite books when I was growing up in the 1960s. I don’t remember the movie coming out back then and never saw it until the 1990s when we rented the videotape (I guess) for our children. The book was a good, children’s spy story. The movie had only a tenuous connection to the book (the title and a magical car?) and I found it dreadful, although I imagine children who haven’t read the book would enjoy the movie.

        • Colin Day

          I never read the book. But the movie has other connections to Bond films (it was produced by Albert Broccoli, Gert Fröbe played the villain, Desmond Llewelyn gave the cool car to he hero, and the heroine had an interesting name).

    • Dennis Orphen

      I still say the white house needs a roll of duct tape, a meat cleaver, a zippo and european roaster parked outside with a clean title that has the owners signature on the back side.

    • LeeEsq

      Somewhere a bunch of cosmic guardian type entities are scrambling about trying to fix breaches in the walls between different multiverses. Maybe the Doctors can get together and help us.

      • The Dark God of Time

        You’d like Darkseid, he’s into “traditional values.”

        • Dennis Orphen

          Apokolypse is such a shithole though. Lotta people underwater in their mortgages there too. Meanwhile property values on New Genesis keep going up and up. Tell me again how liberalism is a failure?

  • SuzieCbus

    I’ve been lurking here for years but finally had to log in to help observe the downfall of the Republic with my brethren and sistren. I hope obese Trump continues to gorge himself on leathery steak, Thousand Island dressing, ice cream, and chocolate cake until he bursts as in that monstrous Monty Python fat episode. He has become noticeably more grotesque just since assuming office. I assume there is no one who can tell the greedy toddler to stop eating.

    • calling all toasters

      Procol Harum saw it all:

      Bringing home the bacon
      Tender juicy steaks
      Breast-fed baby dumpling
      Gobbling up the cakes

      Milk-fed baby dumpling
      Slobbering, goo-faced, mean
      Wet-nursed sour purse spot face
      Blubbering in the cream

      Emperor baby dumpling
      Loaded, bloated curse
      Mighty baby dumpling
      Stuffing ’til he bursts

    • Dennis Orphen

      Pence is just one thin after-dinner mint away from the office formerly known as the presidency.

      • rm

        But it’s wafer-thin!

        • LeeEsq

          It could double as a Communion wafer.

    • I don’t know why you people are still giving Trump such a hard time. He has the exoneration letter and it’s certified. CERTIFIED!!!

      • Ken

        And I have three – three – separate letters from psychiatrists saying that I’m sane and not a danger to society!!! HA HA HA HA!!!! Most people don’t even have one!!!!!

      • Lurking Canadian

        Please excuse Donald from today’s impeachment proceedings.
        – Donald’s Mother

        • BiloSagdiyev

          We have the best sweathogs, we have all the sweathogs.

    • The Lorax

      Welcome!

  • Moondog von Superman

    “Moms, think about this. I don’t care what state you live in, take me out of the equation, like me, don’t like me, but think about why someone is OK with your kids eating crap,” she said.
    http://www.politico.com/story/2017/05/12/michelle-obama-childhood-obesity-healthy-eating-donald-trump-238332

  • LeeEsq

    Who gets to be Hypatia and Cyril of Alexandria in Trump’s America? Actually, Pence makes for an adequate Cyril.

    • EthanS

      Mike Pence as El Contador?

  • osceola

    For me, it’s the “I get two scoops, you get one” that really gets me.

    That’s what a toddler would LIKE to do, but his mother says, “No, that’s rude.” Then the kid grows up and learns some manners.

    I mean, I know the guy is like this in the big ways, but he’s even like this in the small ways that you would think his boarding school education would have taught him.

    Make me wonder what eh fuck his parents were like. I know some about Fred, but I haven’t heard about his mother.

  • osceola

    For me, it’s the “I get two scoops, you get one” that really gets me.

    That’s what a toddler would LIKE to do, but his mother says, “No, that’s rude.” Then the kid grows up and learns some manners.

    I mean, I know the guy is like this in the big ways, but he’s even like this in the small ways that you would think his boarding school education would have taught him better.

    Make me wonder what the fuck his parents were like. I know some about Fred, but I haven’t heard about his mother.

    • Woodrowfan

      Make me wonder what the fuck his parents were like. I know some about Fred, but I haven’t heard about his mother.

      well, she married Fred, who was apparently open in his bigotry and greed, so there’s that.

    • EthanS

      Do you think he see’s the ice cream as a dominance game? Given his wild eyed wonder at everything about the White House, I suspect when he said “I would like two scoops of ice cream”, because he’s a glutton who doesn’t exercise, they just always bring him two scoops. But most people don’t want two scoops of ice cream, so why would the kitchen always send out two scoops to everyone? And at formal dinner function there’s no accepted a protocol for people to say “oh, can I get another one of these?”

      Anyone with enough empathy to Recognize the possibility of dessert as an insult would not be flabbergasted by the public reaction to the Comey firing.

    • muddy

      He styles his hair just like his mother, I think that speaks quite loudly about who he’d like to emulate.

  • osceola

    Sorry ’bout the double post. My bad.

    • Vance Maverick

      You get two comments, when everyone else has to make do with one!

      • Judas Peckerwood

        Makes me wonder about osceola’s upbringing…

      • Derelict

        I LOL’ed at this.

  • Davis X. Machina

    Goethe Institut NYC Word of the Month for May:

    Affentheater

    German Embassy’s Word of the Week

    Schadenfreude

    Subtweets here, subtweets there.
    Finding subtweets everywhere.

    • wjts

      Affentheater

      Which could, I believe, be plausibly translated as “monkey fracas”.

      • Davis X. Machina

        It’s a socially-acceptable equivalent of ‘shitshow’ — though you can now use ‘shitshow’ in German too — perfectly cromulent Denglish, apparently.

        • The Dark God of Time

          Schiessvorstellung works for me.

      • Apes direct plays, Otto, they just don’t understand them.

  • The Great God Pan

    I’m actually kind of impressed at his ability to infuse every tiny detail of his life with shittiness. I mean, anyone can be a shit, but to be a shit every day in every way, all day long, is really remarkable. Most shits will occasionally say or do something inoffensive once in a while, even if by accident or due to flagging energy, but Trump actually cannot let a single dinner course go by without reminding guests that he’s the King. There is, to my knowledge, not one interview or anecdote out there that paints him as anything but a shitty bag of shit. Normally I’d say it takes dedication, but we know he has none so it must just be a natural talent.

    • N__B

      Some are born shitty, some achieve shittiness, and some have shit thrust upon them.

      • tsam

        Speaking of thrusting shit, I just had Red Robin for dinner. (One of their burgers, not the actual restaurant…). I didn’t say YUM

        • N__B

          There’s not nearly enough meat on one of those birds to make a burger. The bad taste was probably the Robin Helper they used to extend it.

    • Davis X. Machina

      Shit for power, shit for average, shit to the opposite field, shit down in the count, shit behind the runner…

      He’s a five-tools shit.

      • Dennis Orphen

        Pepper Fartin

      • John Revolta

        Born on a gold toilet, thinks the world is his crapper

    • LosGatosCA

      I don’t think Trump is lazy at all. He has a very clear dedication to task, his perversity, and his classlessness.

      He didn’t just bloviate with Howard Stern about women in a totally classless way. He went out and bought beauty pageants so he could crash underage girls dressing rooms.

      He could have just bought services from sex workers – no resistance, but instead he’s hitting on married women who might have some morals.

      He doesn’t take the easy way out. It’s a full time job understanding, choosing, and sticking with the most classless, insincere, tacky, shabby, tasteless, and crappy option available.

      It’s a gift, really. And he doesn’t take it for granted, he exercises it every minute of every day on every subject.

      • Mike G

        I think you’ve touched on a key element of his appeal to the Trumpenproletariat.
        The persona of right-wing media tools like Limbaugh, Hannity, O’Reilly and the rest is basically “I’m proud to be asshole,” and getting away with being a rude, self-centered jerk as a marker of personal ‘freedom’ and dominance. Their audience wishes they could be swaggering, aggressive pigs like Trump. It says a lot about who they are inside.

  • Ice cream for crow.

    • sosaysyou

      anticuchos de corazón

    • cleek

      fast and bulbous

  • President Putinfluffer

    And then I shit Rainbows! I’m tellen yu, It’s Beautifu1l!

  • Breadbaker

    Obviously, any President can get a special meal or extra anything, but I suspect all of the prior 44 would do so discreetly. Have your extra ice cream when you’re back in the office or in the kitchen.

    Trump’s assholery is indeed yuuuge.

    • sibusisodan

      It’s whatever the opposite of hospitality is.

      • weirdnoise

        It’s shear indifference to other people except as instruments of his desires. The Terry Pratchett quote describes this perfectly: “Evil begins when you begin to treat people as things.”

        Just a few glimpses of Trump on The Apprentice convinced me long ago that Trump is an essentially evil person who glories in his ability to inflict misery on other people. It’s his emotional immaturity, his insecurity, that restrains him from epic levels of evil. My biggest fear in seeing him become President is how the buffer he’s built around those insecurities will be strengthened by his power and people’s reaction to it, removing those constraints. Whatever he is now will only become worse.

        • CrunchyFrog

          All true, but keep in mind that show got large ratings for years. A very large minority of humans LOVE to see other people bullied.

          • BigHank53

            Look, it’s on the TV, right? It’s not really real.

            • Dennis Orphen

              If it’s on TV its real and if it isn’t it’s not: How most peoples ‘minds’ work.

        • The Lorax

          That’s straight out of Kant.

          • Pat

            Nobody said that Pratchett wasn’t well read.

      • N__B

        Ytilatipsoh, surely.

    • Chetsky

      Obviously, any President can get a special meal or extra anything,

      It’s his dam’ kitchen. He could say (as the main course was gettin’ cleared) “everybody, we’re having ice cream with our pie; anybody who wants an extra scoop, let your server know”. Y’know, like they do in high-class restaurants in fancy hotels like ….

      This is his way of slapping it on the table and challenging everybody else to do the same.

  • sibusisodan

    I can’t imagine going for lunch at the WH and only being offered water to drink. Is that normal?

    That’s aside from the sheer weirdness of Trump having his own menu (which my brain keeps defaulting trying to think about).

  • When the Congressional GOP finally decides it’s had enough of President Trump (approval rating <20, say), will it go with impeachment or Article 25? The latter, surely, as it eases Pence automatically in. Impeachment proceedings would damage or even block Pence as he's already involved in the obstruction of justice. But Speaker Ryan, next in line after Pence, may see it differently.

    • Ken

      Amendment 25 requires a majority of the “principal officers of the executive departments”. I’m not confident that the current crop of grifters and toadies would sign on.

      • PohranicniStraze

        I dunno, the main distinguishing feature of grifters and toadies is their ability to swiftly detach their lips from one ass and move to the next when it becomes advantageous to do so. Grifters, like rats, are not known for going down willingly with a sinking ship.

      • jmauro

        Article 25 has a method to protest which most constitutional scholars indicate will be be very messy and slow if invoked. And Trump would be the kind of person to invoke it. Impeachment is much more clearer of a process.

        • I would love to see Trump put on his “I’m not deranged” defense.

          • wjts

            In principle, sure. In practice, I’d rather watch The Caine Mutiny.

  • Even one scoop of ice cream with chocolate cream pie sounds a bit much. How is this guy still alive?

    • Denverite

      Also, it sounds disgusting. Chocolate cream pie is cold and dairy-based. What does a scoop of ice cream add to that? At least with fruit pies, they’re warm and acidic, so the ice cream contrasts and balances that and cuts the acidity. But having a scoop of ice cream with a chocolate cream pie is like having ice cream with cheesecake. It’s just gross.

      • JMV Pyro

        I do find it kind of amazing that the man’s tastes in food never seem to have left the 1950s.

        • farin

          Given that his emotional maturity seems to be have stalled out in the late ’40s, it shouldn’t be that surprising.

        • efgoldman

          the man’s tastes in food never seem to have left the 1950s.

          Does he have the WH kitchen (or Mal-a-Loco) serve up Jello mold salads?

          • Pat

            Maybe now we know why the WH usher changed jobs.

      • Just_Dropping_By

        I don’t like ice cream with baked goods at all, but I do like milk with dairy-based desserts. If it’s vanilla ice cream I would imagine it cuts the intensity of the chocolate cream.

      • I would think whipped cream would be better. Maybe with some Grand Marnier in there.

  • cleek

    when he’s extra good, does he get the brown or the multi-colored sprinkles on top?

  • Bitter Scribe

    I hate to say it, but I think Trump got where he is now in large part because many Americans see him as relatable. Many of us want two scoops of ice cream on our chocolate creme pie. It’s why “kale and arugula” as a putdown got so much traction, and why there was so much backlash against Michelle Obama’s push for healthier school lunches. (Well, along with sheer racism.)

    • Dennis Orphen

      Most likely they’ll go their way eat their lunch and I’ll eat mine.

    • tsam

      I like an extra scoop of ice cream. I like drugs. I like a good beer, a good whiskey, a scotch, a syrah type red wine. I like camping and fishing and forgetting about life for a weekend.

      But I also know I have to keep that shit under control and REGULATE myself and my base, primal instincts. That’s what being a fucking adult means. I have to exercise. I have to eat green stuff with my steak, and I have to drink water and get a decent night’s sleep. I have to work hard and be conscientious–other people rely on me for their living. I have to be a good parent, and use my head instead of my hands to mentor and instill values that will follow my family line for generations, hopefully.

      To the extent that Trump is relatable, so is Michelle Obama, but on the other end of the spectrum. There’s a place where you’re enjoying your life, and extending the quality of your life, but still having a good time at it. Trump represents the excess and gluttony and every deadly sin without the redeeming virtue.

      • N__B

        But I also know I have to keep that shit under control and REGULATE myself and my base, primal instincts. That’s what being a fucking adult means. I have to exercise. I have to eat green stuff with my steak, and I have to drink water and get a decent night’s sleep. I have to work hard and be conscientious–other people rely on me for their living. I have to be a good parent, and use my head instead of my hands to mentor and instill values that will follow my family line for generations, hopefully.

        That’s why you’ll never be president.

        • tsam

          That’s aight wit me, M8. I wouldn’t pardon that gotdamn turkey no how.

          • BUT WOULD YOU BITE IT’S HEAD OFF ON LIVE TV? WOULD YOU??

            • tsam

              The right combo of substances? I’d do it and do it nekkid as fuck.

              • N__B

                Hmmm. Maybe you will be president.

                • tsam

                  I think it’s absolutely been proven that anyone CAN be president.

                • N__B

                  No, we haven’t yet proven that this country will elect a woman.

                • tsam

                  Ah. I stand way corrected

      • Dennis Orphen

        I think that is the best piece of short writing that I have ever read. Brautigan’s The Kool-Aid Wino is now in second place.

        • tsam

          Holy crap! Thank you

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