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Buy Me Arthur!

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My birthday is coming up later this month. I think some presents are in order!

Politicians like to say they cannot be bought.

But this weekend, here amid the rolling Civil War battlefields and the kitschy souvenir shops, anyone can buy a politician — a president no less — deftly shaped by skilled manipulators of wax and other polymers.

At auction is the collection of the Hall of Presidents and First Ladies, a 60-year-old wax museum that has earnestly presented every occupant of the Oval Office — and their female counterparts — in varying degrees of accuracy.

“Franklin Pierce has the wrong color hair,” said Bruce Larson, a professor of political science at Gettysburg College, who had come to case the collection on a boreal winter day.

“And Taft, to me, looks too thin,” said John Tormey III, an entertainment lawyer who had driven from New York, and was nevertheless planning to bid on a figure for his home office. “I’ve already been told that if I take back more than one wax figure, the locks on my house will be changed.”

Do you think I care about accuracy in look? I want Chester Arthur or Benjamin Harrison in a corner, overlooking my students as they come to me begging for unwarranted grade improvements. How do you think a Gilded Age figure would consider your begging? Pathetic! Social Darwinism people! Chester Arthur for my office! Do it sheeple!

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