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Erik Visits an American Grave, Part 54

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This is the future grave of Nicolas Cage.

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You are saying, what, Nicolas Cage is still alive. Indeed, or so it seems. But he isn’t messing around. Let me just link here.

Cage has a history with the city of New Orleans, having purchased both the infamously haunted LaLaurie Mansion and the historic Our Lady of Perpetual Help Chapel. Both properties were foreclosed on in 2009 after a tax debacle. Subsequently, Cage purchased his unnamed tomb in the city’s beloved St. Louis Cemetery No. 1, home to the grave of another of New Orleans’ supernatural heavies, Marie Laveau.

The empty grave is a stark, nine-foot-tall stone pyramid that stands in obvious contrast to the blockier, above-ground burial sites that have been crumbling away in the cemetery for over two centuries. There is no name on the pyramid yet, but it is emblazoned with the Latin maxim, “Omni Ab Uno,” which translates to “Everything From One.”

The actor himself has chosen to remain silent about his reasoning for the flamboyant tomb. Some speculate it’s an homage to the “National Treasure” movie franchise, though given that many cemeteries host pyramid grave markers, it may have simply been a stylistic choice. Others think the pyramid is evidence of the strange actor’s ties to the probably-fictitious secret Illuminati society. Because of antique portraits bearing an uncanny resemblance to Cage that have surfaced online, the more paranormally-minded suggest that the pyramid is where Cage will regenerate his immortal self. The rumor around town is that Cage has considered himself cursed since owning LaLaurie’s mansion (his box office record does reflect this) and he feels being next to Marie Laveau will un-curse him.

Whatever his reasons, the Cage pyramid has already become an iconic part of the cemetery, much to the chagrin of many locals who are furious that he was able to obtain a plot in the cramped graveyard. Many have even accused the tomb of damaging or removing other centuries-old burials to make room. Yet despite public outcry, the pyramid stands.

In other words, CAGE!!!!

Nicolas Cage may or may not someday be buried in St. Louis Cemetery No. 1, New Orleans, Louisiana.

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  • Snarki, child of Loki

    Interred, not buried. The water level is too high in New Orleans, so coffins that are buried tend to float up.

    • Bill Murray

      can coffins float down?

      • EliHawk

        Presumably that’s what happens during burial at sea.

    • JonH

      Cage will find a way to sink.

    • ajay

      Surely not interred, then, either, if he’s not going to be in the terra.

    • los

      A Rising Tide

  • Not enough steps. Just two little ones at the base doesn’t cut it.

  • randy khan

    My wife and I toured the cemetery in January. This is not the only relatively new tomb there – there’s a rule that essentially lets new people take over old plots in certain circumstances (essentially fees not being paid), so I wouldn’t be surprised if he did overbuild previously used plots.

    The tour, by the way, is totally worth it.

  • I’m leaving what’s left of my body to science after I’m through w/ it, cemeteries being almost as pesticide-ridden & generally enviro-nasty as golf courses.

    • (((Hogan)))

      Please don’t bury me down in that cold cold ground
      No, I’d rather have ’em cut me up and pass me all around
      Throw my brain in a hurricane and the blind can have my eyes
      And the deaf can take both my ears if they don’t mind the size

  • LosGatosCA

    I believe the Illuminati have acquired this through Cage to contain the remains of the Trump campaign

    Even better:

    “While 71 percent of women disapprove of his handling of questions about his treatment of women, so do 67 percent of men. And 57 percent overall disapprove “strongly” – 60 percent of women, but also 52 percent of men. By partisan group, 41 percent of Republican likely voters disapprove of Trump on this question, a heavy loss in one’s own party. That grows to 70 percent of independents and nearly all Democrats, 92 percent.”

    “Clinton’s also ahead numerically (albeit not significantly) among men, 44-41 percent, a first in ABC News and ABC/Post polling.”

    “The share of registered Republicans who are likely to vote is down 7 points since mid-October.”

    Let’s hope it holds – looking forward to the services on November 9.

    • (((Hogan)))

      I believe the Illuminati have acquired this through Cage to contain the remains of the Trump campaign.

      Isn’t that more of a Yucca Mountain thing? Or maybe a deep space laucnh?

      • Snarki, child of Loki

        Isn’t that more of a Yucca Mountain thing?

        Yucca Mountain isn’t open yet. Putting Trump in there would insure that it NEVER IS, because storing large amounts of highly radioactive waste next to Zombie Trump seems to be the very definition of “a bad idea”.

        • (((Hogan)))

          Then the Delta Quadrant it is. Screw the Ocampa.

          • That’s a recipe for it coming back centuries later and nearly destroying the Earth until a brave starship crew goes back in time and brings back a bucket of KFC and a sack of Cheetos.

        • Norrin Radd

          What is it you guys have against Arizona?

          • Ahuitzotl

            McCain, Goldwater, need I go on?

      • LosGatosCA

        On further reflection, I’m expecting Vin Scully’s last public announcing gig (filling in for Chick Hearn) to be after Mr. Joyboy embalms the campaign and Trump’s presumed dead brother Fred re-emerges under his alias, Reverend Wilbur Glenworthy, to perform the last rites just before the campaign is launched by Gunther Fry directly into the Sun.

      • cpinva

        “Or maybe a deep space laucnh?”

        you’re thinking of The Loved One. darkly funny book and movie.

        • TopsyJane

          you’re thinking of The Loved One. darkly funny book and movie.

          With little in common save the title.

    • JonH

      Seems kinda… big for that purpose.

  • Judas Peckerwood

    What’s Latin for “Most Overrated Actor in the History of Cinema”?

    • Leonardo DiCaprio?

      Based on B.S. science.

    • LosGatosCA

      Late period DeNiro?

      • Norrin Radd

        Have you seen Scent of a Woman?

        • rea

          Have you seen smelled Scent of a Woman?

    • Halloween Jack

      Well, it’s not “Nicolas Cage”, since he managed to tamp down his more risible aspects just about long enough to get the Oscar for Leaving Las Vegas, which was the sort of Oscar-bait that any number of other actors could have sunk their teeth into easily. Cage rates much lower than a lot of other leading men who got by on good looks and amiable bullshit, and there was a time when he actually took some risks with his work, albeit with mixed results.

    • Ahuitzotl

      to be overrated, he’d have to be rated fairly well in the first place, surely?

  • (((max)))

    Maybe he just wants to take advantage of those supposed restorative pyramid powers so he can come out all sharpened up and brand new like a razor.

    max
    [‘Ladies love a sharp-dressed corpse.’]

  • Bootsie

    We all know Nicolas Cage will become the Ghost Rider when he dies so this is really just a formality.

    • Gwen

      My expectation is that he will awaken every night and run down the streets of New Orleans screaming “I’m a vampiiire!”

      • Warren Terra

        Given the general trend of the quality of films he’s appearing in, expect that by the time he passes on he will have contracted for his mortal remains to “star” in another half-dozen films, and that few people will note the difference.

    • Halloween Jack

      He’s already been replaced by Gabriel Luna.

  • Please can LGM run a competion for the design of the mausoleum of Donald Trump.

    • keta
    • Warren Terra

      Or just send Erik to photograph the final resting place of Frederick Trump.

  • Tehanu

    BABE: There must be some way out of this. I’ll change the air, that’s what I’ll do. What have I got left on the Climate Control? Dust Storm? Tibetan Wilderness? Land of the Pharaohs? Land of the Pharaohs! That sounds great!

    SOUND: A click. The atmosphere is replaced by blowing sand and Arabian music.

    ,,,

    BABE: That Pyramid is opening!

    OLD MAN: Which one?

    DR DOG: The one with the ever-widening hole in it!

    BABE: I’m saved! I’m going in!

    MOM: [from within the pyramid]: No! Don’t do that, son! It’s dark and dirty in there!

    BABE: Aw, but Mom…

    MOM: It’s full of bees and spiders! You might poke your eye out! Wait ’til your Father comes home!

    BABE: I’m going in, Mom! There’s a Vacancy!

    *************
    Actually, I’d guess the vacancy is in Nicolas Cage’s head….

  • semiotix

    What is this, graves-visiting sweeps week?

    I come here for quality gravesite journalism, not this gimmickry! GOOD DAY SIR.

    • Warren Terra

      Next he’ll be showing us the tombs of sharks, dinosaurs, or Nazis.

      (Note the last is actually possible)

      • The meat of the Greenland shark is poisonous when fresh, due to a high content of urea and trimethylamine oxide, but may be consumed after being processed.[2][3]

        The traditional method is by gutting and beheading a Greenland or sleeper shark and placing it in a shallow hole dug in gravelly sand, with the now cleaned cavity resting on a small mound of sand. The shark is then covered with sand and gravel, and stones are placed on top of the sand in order to press the shark. In this way the fluids are pressed out of the body. The shark ferments in this fashion for 6–12 weeks depending on the season. Following this curing period, the shark is then cut into strips and hung to dry for several months. During this drying period a brown crust will develop, which is removed prior to cutting the shark into small pieces and serving.

        It is possible to witness the traditional preparation process at Bjarnarhöfn Shark Museum on Snæfellsnes.[4]

        The modern method is just to press the shark’s meat in a large drained plastic container.[5]

        • (((Hogan)))

          You are a font of bizarre and disturbing information.

          • Warren Terra

            It’s more disturbing when you consider the likely age of the shark in question

            • los

              under 18?

              • Warren Terra

                Try, over 180.

          • N__B

            a font of bizarre and disturbing

            But enough about Comic Sans.

        • Mrs Tilton

          It’s a pity you broke off quoting the wiki when you did. In the very next section we learn that

          Chef Anthony Bourdain described kæstur hákarl as “the single worst, most disgusting and terrible tasting thing” he has ever eaten.[1]

          Chef Gordon Ramsay challenged James May to sample three “delicacies” (Laotian snake whiskey, bull penis, and kæstur hákarl) on The F Word; after eating kæstur hákarl, Ramsay spat it out, although May kept his down. May reacted with, “You disappoint me, Ramsay” and offered to do it again.[6]

        • Ahuitzotl

          Just think what life must have been like, to make this seem like a desirable thing to eat.

          • BiloSagdiyev

            Yes. Greenland did not have many options. Or pizza.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Waste of a premium grain storage facility.”
    — Ben Carson

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