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Come back, McCain Girls! All is forgiven!

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If you were thinking that Jill Stein’s campaign could really use a boss white hippity hopper who supplies you with abundantly mad rhymes and ill beats on the Victrola, your burnt offerings and scattered poultry entrails have been answered by the sky gods. Behold the guy you want to see in a dick-punching contest with Martin Shkreli:

Matt Orflea — who looks like a guy who would hold up the beer pong tournament to explain how the 2016 Nevada Democratic Party caucuses were nothing but total fucking riggery — opens this four-minute saga by nodding in a mostly def fashion in front of the World War II and Franklin Roosevelt memorials, perhaps to remind us of a time when Democrats weren’t corporate whores. Then he reminds us that Jill Stein is the only candidate left who is not a “corporate whore,” all of which goes to prove that it’s still possible for some people to use the term “corporate whore” in earnest, and that it’s 1936 and Matt Orflea hasn’t yet received the Comintern memo declaring FDR the lesser evil. After vouching for Stein’s authenticity by noting that she’s “the only candidate who doesn’t use hair dye,” Orflea — who might like to speak with you about how you can run your car on a salt water battery — spends the next several minutes statue-molesting Roosevelt, invoking Optimus Prime and orcs, and figuring out that “legalize weed” and “TPP” sort of rhyme, bro. Your mileage may vary, but for me, the rhyme peaks like Mt. Rainier at the start of the second verse:

Her purpose is urgent, Jill’s the doctor to call
She’s more green and appealing than Kermit the frog!
No more corporate control, make healthcare universal
Jill’s green and radical like a ninja turtle….

This guy is so sick he ought to wear a surgical mask and take large doses of zinc.

Unfortunately, Orflea — who probably wonders if children are receiving too many vaccinations too soon in their lives — does not provide a trigger warning about the auto-tuning freeware app he used to record this epically dope shit. So at roughly one-minute intervals starting at 1:05, you’re going to want to mute the audio. The rest of it is just too good to describe.

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  • Nick never Nick

    OK, you might think that your description constituted a fair warning, but it really god-damn didn’t

  • Holy shit, that is just, wow.

  • Scott Lemieux

    He’s not nearly as talented as the “Take the R Train” guy.

  • Jake the antisoshul soshulist

    I don’t use that term since it is demeaning to prostitutes. Who do perform a useful service in a dangerous profession.

  • delong

    Hold it! WTF?! Scott Erik Kaufman?

    Is there a place for updates. Should I worry?

    Brad DeLong

    • If you’re friends with him on Facebook, members of his family have been posting updates there.

      • delong

        Thx. I am…

    • Should I worry?

      It ain’t good.

      • jim, some guy in iowa

        this internet stuff gets weird sometimes. you sortakinda know people, but you really don’t, and a lot of their personal things are none of your business, but still you wonder. whatever ‘best’ is in the situation, I wish it for SEK

        • stick

          Agreed. For anyone in contact with SEK, please let him know that a long time lurker and third rate academic in Iowa is raising a glass to his recovery and good health.

      • Sorry to hear that. I heard he had health problems, but I didn’t know they were serious. I just looked at his FB, and they are serious enough for it to be necessary for someone to take in his cat(s) for the time being.

  • cpinva

    ” Orflea — who might like to speak with you about how you can run your car on a salt water battery his parents, about the family name.”

    he got punched a lot as a child, didn’t he?

  • KadeKo

    Is this a fan video, or does it have the imprimatur of the Green Party?

    (No, I’m not clicking on it. The same way I don’t any clicks added to a Ramirez cartoon, I don’t want the Greens to think they’re getting anywhere with me.)

    ETA: I could stand exactly 25 seconds of it.

    • prostratedragon

      You lasted a second longer than I did. And I had the sound off.

  • Harkov311

    opens this four-minute saga by nodding in a mostly def fashion in front of the World War II and Franklin Roosevelt memorials, perhaps to remind us of a time when Democrats weren’t corporate whores.

    Sigh. Come on, Steiniacs.

    This has been your obligatory daily reminder that the New Deal programs were segregated until the 60s at the behest of southern Democrats, and that the Democrats had supermajorities in Congress when they passed.

    • KadeKo

      Is there a Green anywhere who knows how policies get made, once past the “dreamt about” stage?

      • Of course not, and they’re not only proud of their ignorance, they’re smug about it.

  • JerBL

    People can shit on the 2016 election all they want, but it’s given us more Noon posts in a six-month span than in the previous, what, three years combined?

    If you were thinking that Jill Stein’s campaign could really use a boss white hippity hopper who supplies you with abundantly mad rhymes and ill beats on the Victrola, your burnt offerings and scattered poultry entrails have been answered by the sky gods.

    This is, as always, glorious.

    • Mark Centz

      Always hoping to see the return of d. He got a little human under his actual name. Even so, yes, +11.

  • Her purpose is urgent, Jill’s the doctor to call
    She’s more green and appealing than Kermit the frog!
    No more corporate control, make healthcare universal
    Jill’s green and radical like a ninja turtle….

    I prefer my own versifying on the topic:

    I “Bernie or busted”
    In Bernie I trusted
    But when he turned traitor
    My hopes were all rusted
    And now upon the ballot
    Bernie’s name I will not find
    So I’ll have to bite the bullet
    And settle for Jill Stein

  • witlesschum

    Great to see Noon posting again, missed him around here.

    Damn you to the seventh hell for exposing this to my notice, Noon.

  • steverinoCT

    I liked the screaming goat.

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