Home / GOP urban legends / The GOP’s minority outreach programs are 100% successful

The GOP’s minority outreach programs are 100% successful

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GOP minority outreach often looks like some sort of sick joke to people who aren’t members of the GOP. Is that talk about welfare addiction and shared values while simultaneously blaming people for ruining America  supposed to work? After some thought I’ve concluded that the answer is yes. And it does.

To understand how, imagine that instead of a political party, the GOP is a man named Ron Magnus. Ron may not be a card-carrying MRA/PUA, but he’d be right at home with them. Ron’s ego is such that he’d rather perform a sex act with a running meat grinder than admit failure, and he knows a few things about women:

  • He’s entitled to sex with women because he’s a real man and women exist to have sex with men;
  • Women are so stupid they don’t know that they’re created to have sex with men;
  • Women have to be tricked into giving men sex, but they’re stupid, so it’s easy; but/and
  • Women are evil and delight in denying men the sex to which men are entitled.
  • (Also something about the perfidy of wearing makeup, based on some of the stuff that filters into my section of the Twitterverse.)
  • (Possible exception for Mom?)

Ron’s methods for convincing a woman to undertake the tedious, unpleasant and brief task of giving him sex can best be described as severely limited and counterproductive. And that’s before one takes into account his habit of talking loudly and at length about the evilness and stupidity of women, his history of making them miserable and how he plans to make even more women miserable if he’s given a chance. In fact, a rant about how much he hates most women – but you’re not like that, are you sweetheart? may be his favorite pickup monologue.

However, Ron knows his methods must be effective because he learned them from Dad and 32-Chan, it is not possible for him to fail, and how hard can it be to get a dumb slut to take off her panties anyway?

So Ron sets out to find women to give him his sex that is his. Sometimes a woman does what she’s supposed to do. When this happens it’s proof that he’s so super and they’re so stupid.

But despite the sure-fire technique for picking up girls, Ron does not succeed in tricking women into handing over his sex nearly as often as he would like. Does this mean that when Ron spends a romantic evening with a bottle of lotion and a sock it is because he failed?

No. Remember: In the Gospel According to Ron, Ron is infallible. What really happened is he received confirmation that women are evil. Victory is his once again!

And that’s why GOP outreach to minorities can never fail.

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  • c u n d gulag

    Pity that poor sexually-abused sock – and its twin!

    I’m sure they never thought they’d end up rubbing some losers limp dick a couple of times a month.

    They had hopes of being one of the pair of little socks that tennis players and runners wear!

    Instead…
    Oh, it’s just too horrible and cruel to describe further…

  • N__B

    Your description of Ron Magnus does not mention Gor.

    Fail.

    ETA: Gor. GOP. Hmmm.

    • wjts

      Gorp?

      • N__B

        “Prog” backwards!

        • wjts

          And “Tarkus” spelled backwards with a space in the middle is “Suk Rat”.

    • Bill Murray

      Gor was pretty misogynistic, too though

      • Ramon A. Clef

        So misogynistic that a thirteen year old, perpetually horny and completely unenlightened me found them too horrible to read.

  • (((Hogan)))
  • Junipermo

    The GOP isn’t really trying to reach minority voters; they know that it’s a lost cause at this point. They’re just making a show of it to reassure white fence-sitters that they aren’t racist if they go ahead and vote for GOP politicians. To the extent that it convinces some white voters that a vote for Trump is OK, their “outreach” works beautifully.

    • I’d agree IF the GOP & its minions didn’t grouse – usually in an offensive manner – after elections.

      And I have to admit I’m highly skeptical about the existence of fence-sitters.

      • LosGatosCA

        The fence these fence sitters are sitting on is not between Trump and Hillary –

        it’s between Trump and some other alternative – Johnson/Stein/or staying home.

        Trump is trying to get them off in his direction – Hillary is trying to get them off in any of the non-Trump directions.

        So Trump says – look at my new black / Latino friends, you can feel safe with me.

        Hillary says he’s got the racist editor of the alt-right ground zero publication running his racist campaign – nobody’s safe with him.

        Both campaigns understand that this is the difference between a 52-45-3 outcome and a 53-42-5 outcome with the latter driven as much by depressed Republican turnout as anything. In the latter case, even the House is in jeopardy.

      • LosGatosCA

        Also there is always evidence of fence sitters in every election cycle – they are the folks who poll as 3rd party supporters but become actual Dem/Rep voters on Election Day.

        Per Quinnipiac polling

        “Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson at 10 percent and Green Party candidate Jill Stein at 4 percent”

        No way these candidates get 14% of the vote on Election Day – 4% is more likely. Which means 10% are sitting somewhere else than where they will vote.

  • efgoldman

    The GOP isn’t really trying to reach minority voters; they know that it’s a lost cause at this point. They’re just making a show of it

    I’m not sure they’re even going thru those motions anymore.

    And BTW women are thrown rations of shit, but they aren’t a minority.

  • cpinva

    ok, I’m good with the white male trump voters, how do the white female trump voters fit into this scheme? are they supposed to be the evil, dumb females that have sex with the male ones?

    I have to admit though, it will be hilarious if Trump gets zero minority/female votes on Nov. 8. definitely worth a bottle of the high priced craft beer.

    • LosGatosCA

      Only if the election is rigged will that happen.

      What would really be the frosting the cake would be a complete run from Florida to Maine on the East Coast plus AZ and Utah.

      And all the other Obama states except Indiana.

      I’m not putting any real money on it – yet.

      • Richard Gadsden

        I was looking for a map where you could drive from coast to coast without going into a Trump state. There’s a line of states that are so red that the best shot is Kansas (and Missouri, but that’s purpler).

        I think the reddest path from Canada to either Mexico or the Gulf thereof is Idaho-Wyoming-Nebraska-Kansas-Oklahoma-Arkansas-Louisiana.

    • Everyone in the GOP is Ron’s johnson.

  • Snuff curry

    You forgot the most important part in your list there, that Ron “drew a man and he was sad about offices.”

  • There’ll always be a WaPo. Unfortunately.

    Clinton, Trump exchange racially charged accusations

    In a blistering speech, Democrat Hillary Clinton accused Donald Trump of “taking hate groups mainstream,” while the Republican nominee repeatedly claimed that Clinton is a “bigot” toward African Americans.

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