Home / shit that you couldn't make up if it weren't true / Ammo Bundy & the Whack Snack Attack Gang, Pt. V

Ammo Bundy & the Whack Snack Attack Gang, Pt. V

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I feel I have been neglecting Ammo Bundy & the Whack Snack Attack Gang, what are they up to now?

Demanding better pens while in the pen. What else?

Multnomah County did agree to give the defendants more than the standard six hours access to the law library on days when other inmates cancel their visits.

Jail officials said they would also consider giving Santilli and the other inmates access to “a laptop, iPad or similar device to review audio and video recordings.”

Due to an order that they be kept separate, the jail won’t let Ammo and his brother Ryan attend LDS gatherings. However, The sheriff’s office agreed to let them have extra towels to use as kneelers and to wear temple garments under their uniforms.

But the sheriff’s office also denied many requests from the inmates, including access to internet and chairs in their cells, access to other defendants so they can “strategize together” before the trial, unmonitored phone calls, a cordless printer and scanner, more storage space in jail cells, and “real pens.”

Anamylittleponyeranadecepticontransformeranamansionanayacht.

I assume the request for real pens is a reference to the flexible ink pens which are used in jail because … why am I even explaining this?

I can’t tell if the whole thing has Prison Break written on it in big block letters or if they’re just that spoiled. At any rate, they’re suing.

In his conclusion, Arnold said Ammon Bundy may pursue a civil rights lawsuit based upon U.S. Code Section 1983, which guarantees recourse for anyone who has been denied civil rights.

Ryan Bundy wrote a supporting statement. Try to guest which rights he says are being violated. Go on, try.

I. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

II. A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

III. No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

IV. The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Time’s up. Please put down your flexible pens.

“My rights are being violated. My right to life is being violated. All of my First Amendment rights are being violated. My right to freedom of religion is being violated,” Ryan Bundy wrote in a supporting statement. “My Second Amendment rights are being violated. I never waived that right. My Fourth Amendment rights are being violated.

Because – if I understand how Sovereign Citizening works – they believe they have to waive their rights before they can be subject to arrest or trial and then the state has to say “Mother may I?” and then … I don’t know really. I was not raised on the same planet as these people. Yay, me.

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  • Warren Terra

    I suppose incarcerated prisoners might be described as being an extremely well-regulated militia.

    • DrDick

      Well the Bundy bunch are completely unregulated, so that one obviously does not apply to them.

  • Honoré De Ballsack

    Also, the American flag in the courtroom where Bundy was charged had FRINGE!!!! and TASSELS!!! which immediately invalidates all the charges against him.

    • ThrottleJockey

      Nice to see another hard core Law and Order fan.

      • Brad Nailer

        I tried to find that scene a few weeks ago when this issue first came up, but couldn’t. The arraignment judge had a pretty good response to “Mr. Christie,” something like “I don’t care how many fringes or tassles this flag has, this is still a civilian court of law and your bail is denied!” L&O arraignment judges have little patience with histrionics in the courtroom.

    • leftwingfox

      I keep thinking of Dale Gribble:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfSkBONbDwA

  • Joe_JP

    Second Amendment? Is this about shivs?

    Unfortunately, looking at the link, the comment is made in passing.

    • Snarki, child of Loki

      “Second Amendment? Is this about shivs?”

      No, it’s about the right bear arms.

      But really, they WILL get the bear arms transplant, just as soon as a donor can be found.

      • Joe_JP

        in prison, shivs would be arms in “common use” per Heller

      • ThrottleJockey

        Bare arms? You can’t roll up your sleeves in the Big House?

    • The pens are about the right to bear shivs, the 2nd am blather is about the right to bring your AR-15 into prison with you. What! No right to T-Bone steaks in the prison commissary? Maybe that’s next. It’s in their copy of the constitution, somewhere scribbled on the back.

      • BiloSagdiyev

        https://youtube.com/watch?v=WF56VO0qqLQ

        “And this Chateau LeBlanc ’68… is supposed to be served slightly chilled!”

      • royko

        From a purely textualist perspective, there’s nothing in the 2nd amendment that indicates that it doesn’t apply to prisoners.

        • efgoldman

          there’s nothing in the 2nd amendment that indicates that it doesn’t apply to prisoners.

          Good thing Nino is textualizing in the court invisible, then, isn’t it.

  • well, he’s in prison. How much more well-regulated does he want to be?

  • Dennis Orphen

    And he’s in prison in Multnomah County no less, ha! Forced to sleep on an organic cotton futon, nothing to eat but kale, bulgar, conveyor belt sushi, happy hour pearl district bar food and Trader Joe’s pre packaged salads, forced to listen to psych-rock, disco and freakbeat for hours every day, tai-chi in the yard, out on the work crews planting lavender and sage, yadda yadda yadda! It has to be truly cruel and unusual punishment for him and he deserves it. The Ron-Tom Macoutte strikes again!

    • DocAmazing

      Next he’ll be demanding flouridated water.

      • Dennis Orphen

        Nice.

    • N__B

      I don’t think these guys are ready for Multnomah County. They should have started with Monomah County and worked their way up.

    • efgoldman

      And he’s in prison in Multnomah County no less, ha!

      Damn! Talk about cruel and unusual.

      • Breadbaker

        “This doesn’t taste like any coffee I’ve ever tasted before. What do you mean “hand-picked, organic, fair trade, roasted on site? Bring me some ten hour old Chase & Sanborn or I’ll have you up on charges. Talk about cruel and unusual . . . “

    • Maybe the prisons in Mormon Utah are treated this way? Prisoners allowed guns and knives and ‘real’ pens, plus wireless? And group cells with parties? COOL.

  • DocAmazing

    Hey, maybe they can get a class-action suit together with some Muslim prisoners!

  • Hogan

    We’re in the jailhouse now
    We’re in the jailhouse now
    I told that judge right to his face
    I don’t like to see this place
    We’re in the jailhouse now

    • N__B

      I fought the law and
      I won
      I fought the law and
      I won
      I fought the law and
      I won
      I fought the law and
      I won

    • W/ Webb Pierce, the swellest man around!

    • John Revolta

      He told me once or twice
      Extremism in the defense of liberty was no vice
      He’s in the jailhouse now……………………..

    • The Dark God of Time

      Number forty-seven said to number three
      You’re the cutest jailbird I ever did see
      I sure would be delighted with your company
      Come on and do the Jailhouse Rock with me
      Let’s rock, everybody, let’s rock
      Everybody in the whole cell block
      Was dancin’ to the Jailhouse Rock

      Sad sack was sittin’ on a block of stone
      Way over in the corner weepin’ all alone
      The warden said, hey, buddy, don’t you be no square
      If you can’t find a partner use a wooden chair
      Let’s rock, everybody, let’s rock
      Everybody in the whole cell block
      Was dancin’ to the Jailhouse Rock

      Shifty Henry said to Bugs, for heaven’s sake
      No one’s lookin’, now’s our chance to make a break
      Bugsy turned to Shifty and he said, nix nix
      I want to stick around a while and get my kicks
      Let’s rock, everybody, let’s rock
      Everybody in the whole cell block
      Was dancin’ to the Jailhouse Rock

      • You libtards with your homo-erotic poetry. Give it a rest, this is supposed to be a family blog.

        • efgoldman

          this is supposed to be a family blog.

          Who the fuck said that?

          • DocAmazing

            “Family” like Manson or like Blattidae?

            • Franklee

              No, BUNDY family. Al and Peggy Bundy

      • cpinva

        one of the best music videos ever made.

      • rea

        Elvis apparently never really understood these lyrics

        • The Dark God of Time

          Some of the characters named in the song are real people. Shifty Henry was a well-known LA musician, not a criminal. The Purple Gang was a real mob. “Sad Sack” was a U.S. Army nickname in World War II for a loser, which also became the name of a popular comic strip and comic book character.

          According to Rolling Stone, Leiber and Stoller’s “theme song for Presley’s third movie was decidedly silly, the kind of tongue-in-cheek goof they had come up with for The Coasters. The King, however, sang it as straight rock & roll, overlooking the jokes in the lyrics (like the suggestion of gay romance when inmate Number 47 tells Number 3, ‘You’re the cutest jailbird I ever did see’) and then introducing Scotty Moore’s guitar solo with a cry so intense that the take almost collapses.”[

          Yeah, Elvis was just a dumb shit.

          • rea

            With all due respect to his abilities as a performer, he was not necessarily the most perceptive of men.

            • The Dark God of Time

              I’m sure that even a truck driver at that time, which was his profession before he became an entertainer, wouldn’t think “cutest jailbird” was intended in a non-sexual way.

              Next:Purple People Eater and the dialectics of xenopredation.

  • wjts

    I sympathize. I get cranky if I have to use a ballpoint instead of a fountain pen or, at worst, a liquid ink rollerball.

    (Thing I have actually said: “Fine. I guess I’ll just do the crossword with a ballpoint like a fucking peasant.”)

    • kped

      Look at fancy boy and his fountain pens ;)

      (never used one, don’t they smudge like crazy? or bleed through the newspaper when you are doing a crossword?)

      • William Berry

        Yes, fountain pens are objectively antique crap. And the gel-grip Pilot/ Uni-Ball type roller pens (those “liquid ink rollerball[s]”, with the silky-smooth plastic ball) are the best writing instruments you can buy.*

        *Esp. so at a little over 1$ each– or about $.50 ea. in the big multi-pack from Costco or Sam’s Club.

        ETA: I have collected several of those Cross/ Parker type gift sets over the years. The nicest set is displayed on my desk; the rest are stuck in various nooks and crannies in my study.

        • N__B

          In the country of the eunuch, the Uni-Ball is king.

          • Warren Terra

            … or at least big Daddy.

      • Dennis Orphen

        We don’t know if wjts intends to write with the pen or jab someone in the neck with it.

        • efgoldman

          We don’t know if wjts intends to write with the pen or jab someone in the neck with it.

          Not mutually exclusive.

          • PohranicniStraze

            How else are you supposed to refill it?

            • rm

              excellent

      • Just wants us all to recognize the bad-assery: “I do crosswords in ink.”

        • Warren Terra

          But nowadays the contrast isn’t ink versus pencil, it’s either versus pixels

        • Dennis Orphen

          While eating a bowl of rice krispies without sugar.

      • efgoldman

        Look at fancy boy and his fountain pens

        Yes, fountain pens are objectively antique crap.

        My dad used a fountain pen for the Sunday Globe and Sunday Times puzzles every week. Of course, that was ~30-40 years ago.

      • Anna in PDX

        I assume wjts only does the New Yorker crossword.

        • GeoX

          To be fair, it’s really the only one worth doing.

          • ACROSS

            1. Christ, what an asshole.
            5. Christ, what an asshole.

            38. Christ, what an asshole.

            DOWN

            1. “Hello, I’d like to add you to my professional network on Linkedin.”
            3. “Hello, I’d like to add you to my professional network on Linkedin.”

          • mikeSchilling

            After all these years, I still miss the Atlantic puzzle.

            1 Across (9): I criticize an inferior capital.

            • Warren Terra

              If you’re looking for a cryptic, there’s The Nation. I have no idea if it’s any good, I’ve never sussed cryptics

              • N__B

                I loved their old crossword editor. The new guys leave me cold.

              • Brad Nailer

                It’s predictably impossible.

            • wjts

              Took me a while (and some googling), but I think I got it. I could never get the hang of cryptic crosswords.

              • mikeSchilling

                Once nice thing about that kind of puzzle — if you think you’ve got it, you almost certainly do.

        • wjts

          New York Times, but yes, obviously. And I only really enjoy the Saturday puzzle.

          • Hercules Grytpype-Thynne

            The Thursday puzzle can be interesting if you’re willing to put up with the gimmicks.

            • wjts

              I’m not a big fan of the gimmicks, honestly. The Friday puzzle can be fun, too, though. Monday through Wednesday are pleasant enough ways to kill five or ten minutes.

              • leftwingfox

                This is the point where the hardcore Dungeons and Dragons player starts yelling “NEEEERRRRRDDS!!!!”

          • dr. fancypants

            If you enjoy the harder NYT puzzles, you should definitely subscribe to Peter Gordon’s Fireball Crosswords. It’s consistently higher quality than what the NYT has been putting out the past few years.

            Also, I have to plug the American Values Club crossword–it ranges in difficulty from NYT Tuesday to Saturday, and feels a lot more contemporary (and isn’t afraid to be a little dirty).

      • wjts

        I haven’t really had any problems with smudging, unless the paper was particularly unabsorbent. (Though I’m also right-handed.) Even with newspaper, bleeding is pretty minimal, particularly with smaller nibs. I have a couple of fine-nib Pilot Metropolitans and a couple of medium-nib Metropolitans and one Cross Bailey, and only the Bailey has any noticeable bleed. Even then, a light touch helps mitigate as.

        (As for my fancy pens, sure, but I started out using Pilot’s disposable fountain pens and my most expensive pen cost the princely sum of maybe $25.)

        • LWA

          I have been using my Levenger italic point fountain pen every day for the last 6 years.

          A good fountain pen can outlive its user, making it the most economical pen one would ever need to buy.

          • wjts

            My Bailey and one of my Metropolitans are about four years old.

          • I like Pelikans myself. I’ve had one of them for 25 years.

            • wjts

              One of these days, I’ll probably splash out on one of the cheaper Pelikan or Waterman pens.

              • Check out options at Fahrney’s Pens. They have lots of relatively inexpensive Italian pens, plus many others.

                • wjts

                  Thanks!

        • ChrisTS

          a couple of fine-nib Pilot Metropolitans and a couple of medium-nib Metropolitans and one Cross Bailey

          How sick/sad it it that this actually excited me?

          • wjts

            A little bit sad. I mean, they’re pretty unremarkable fountain pens – they’re perfectly serviceable and they cost about as much as a large pizza with a couple of toppings. It’s like getting excited by my “collection” of coffee cups. (“This one I bought at the MFA gift shop. And this one at the university book store. Oh, and this one has Hello Kitty on it.”)

            • veleda_k

              I collect all things Hello Kitty, so that last one really does excite me.

          • efgoldman

            The AT Cross outlet store is about ten minutes from my house. Very convenient to buy gifts for kids having bar/bat mitzvahs. Unfortunately I don’t know any right now.

      • Snarki, child of Loki

        “Look at fancy boy and his fountain pens ;)”

        Fountain pens? How archaic.

        Rapidograph #00.

      • Luxury, we have to outsource our crossword puzzles to children in Bangladesh because Americans are to lazy to do them for us for the pennies were willing to pay them. My country is going to shit.

      • If it ain’t a Rotring Isograph technical pen then it ain’t worth shit.

    • EBT

      I must be the last person on the planet who likes erasermate.

      • DW

        Back in the day I liked Erasermates, too. In high school, I was particularly proud of my works Blue Smudge (I) and Blue Smudge (II) but the examiners at the College Board said they were highly derivative of Rothko and had nothing to do with the questions as posed in the AP English exam.

        • Dennis Orphen

          That comment just earned you an AP in creative writing.

        • Anna in PDX

          Ha! As a backhanded lefty I appreciate this.

    • mikeSchilling

      You’re probably not wearing a tuxedo either.

      • wjts

        It’s after six. What am I, a farmer?

        • Anna in PDX

          So, a smoking jacket.

          • wjts

            With velvet knee-breeches and a watered silk cravat.

          • mikeSchilling

            Quick, get the fire extinguisher!

    • Mike in DC

      There are lots of great pen sites on the web. Jet Pens is one of my faves.

      Pilot, Uniball, Pentel and Zebra make great gel pens. Retro 51 has a nice rollerball and ballpoint.

    • Dude should go whole hog and demand his Heidelberg windmill platen printer.

  • kped

    While his second amendment stuff is utter insanity, I do think they should be able to access the internet. Not for Facebook, but they are defending themselves, so it doesn’t seem unreasonable for them to need internet access. the jail can install plenty of blocking technology to keep them off of Twitter and Facebook. I’m not one of the blogs lawyers, maybe one can chime in.

    But those gun requests are hilarious.

    • efgoldman

      I do think they should be able to access the internet.

      Nope. They (despite what they think) are not special snowflakes. They have the same rights and privileges as all the other inmates, no more, no less.

      • kped

        I’m not really up on what all inmates get. I figured internet is so common that jails would have it and give inmates limited access. But again…I really don’t know!

        • Nope. No mobile ‘phones for inmates either.

        • It could be a poorly written sentence but it reads as though they want access in their cells.

          • It could be a poorly written sentence

            My client’s appeal, your honour, is based on the poor literary quality of the sentencing.
            The judge’s difficulty in finding a rhyme for “months” is no excuse for blank verse.

            • N__B

              “Door hinge.”

              • Ahuitzotl

                Im sorry, door hinge doesnt rhyme with months, no matter how may claws you wave under my nose.

                Say, those really ARE big teeth, aren’t th

      • JL

        I think the other inmates should be able to access the Internet too. Though something tells me that the Bundys don’t care about the other inmates.

        I’m pretty much in the “If we have to incarcerate people we should do it Norwegian style” camp.

    • efgoldman

      But those gun requests are hilarious.

      They don’t believe in the federal gummint or the constitution, but they freely (mis)quote it in all their pleadings bleatings.

    • EBT

      The jail doesn’t have any wifi at all.

      • Warren Terra

        What, it’s still on Ethernet?

        • DW

          How are they supposed to order their meals from their iPad menus?!?

          • efgoldman

            How are they supposed to order their meals from their iPad menus?!?

            Don’t they have GrubHub in Multnomah?

        • DocAmazing

          LDS on DSL.

          • petesh

            +1000 mikes

    • The Dark God of Time

      Everybody knows you bring a gun to a shiv fight.

  • DrDick

    These boys take not being clear on the concept(s) to who;e new dimensions.

  • I guess things are tough all over.

  • Dennis Orphen

    Back in the day “stategizing together” was called “getting your stories straight”. Everything is so PC now.

  • mikeSchilling

    One the one hand, I believe that anyone planning a pro se defense should be given full access to any resources necessary to prepare it.

    On the same hand, I love the idea of a pro se defense for anyone as obviously guilty and incapable as the Bundys.

    • BiloSagdiyev

      Pro se defenses for clowns like these, even better. It’s not like access to law books is going to make them any more cogent in court.

      • mikeSchilling

        Exactly.

  • efgoldman

    Speaking of stupid defendants pissing off a judge for no good reason:

    Just hours after Trump used a campaign speech at a San Diego convention center to unleash a remarkable verbal fusillade against U.S. District Court Judge Gonzalo Curiel, the judge — who also happens to be based in the same southern California city — acknowledged a much more measured fashion of the criticism Trump has aimed at the court.

    “Defendant became the front-runner for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential race, and has placed the integrity of these court proceedings at issue,” Curiel said in an order unsealing a series of internal Trump University documents that Trump’s lawyers asked be kept from the public.

    It’s never a good idea to piss off a federal judge.

    • Warren Terra

      I’ve always wondered about the rule saying a judge with good reason for personal animus against you must recuse themselves, and what happens if you go around in public giving them good reason.

      • rea

        The caselaw frowns on self-help recusals–once saw a case where the defendant tried to get a recusal by telling the judge to fuck off in court. Didn’t work.

        • Warren Terra

          Oh, sure. But Trump apparently spent twelve minutes in front of thousands of slavering acolytes and who knows how many television viewers calling this judge every name he could think of and falling not far short of openly wondering who would rid him of this troublesome jurist. That’s rather a step beyond telling the judge to fnck off, in the judge’s courtroom.

          • Breadbaker

            The judge’s rulings will all be subject to appeal. If the appellate court believes any of the decisions were motivated by personal animus, it can reverse them. In the meantime, this would be essentially rewarding contempt. Quite similar, of course, to what the Bundys tried to do with the federal judge in Nevada by suing her. She told them exactly which of their orifices into which they could stuff such tactics.

        • Bundy caselaw, which can be found on “OldWestLaw” strongly suggests that Trump now get’s to pick his own judge in some type of Apprentice style competition.

          • lahtiji

            Damn. OldWestLaw is outside my subscription.

    • Ahuitzotl

      out of curiousity, would Trump’s behaviour fall under the definition of contempt of court?

      • DocAmazing

        He is courting contempt.

  • jim, some guy in iowa

    these guys actually believed they’d end up in a country-club prison… which I imagine they did- compared to most

    • wjts

      I don’t think they ever really believed they’d end up in any sort of prison.

      • Emily68

        Ol’ Cliven seemed pretty surprised when he was arrested.

  • Mike in DC

    It will be interesting interviewing these idiots 5-10 years into their sentences. See if any of them have gained any new insights into constitutional law.

    • Ahuitzotl

      you think they still have any capability of learning anything?

  • alex284

    I’m kind of surprised that they weren’t given LDS undergarments from the get-go. The American West has plenty of Mormons and I’m sure these aren’t the first to ever break the law.

    The other stuff is ridiculous, but this? I keep on hearing about folks finding religion in the slammer, so I assumed that basic religious accommodations like this would be routine. I guess not.

    • Julia Grey

      What would be funny is if they only demanded the garments to make a point and are not actually used to wearing them. Chaffffing!

      • N__B

        Chaffing!

        That word immediately brought this to mind, which is somehow appropriate.

        If I were Fortune which I’m not
        B should enjoy A’s happy lot,
        And A should die in miserie
        That is, assuming I am B.

  • Davis

    Oh, just send him down to Angola where the home boys can explain to him what denial of civil rights really means. Just before they get medieval on his ass.

  • rea

    I am sure he has it better than he would in the Cadeia Central de Luanda:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GKdtXzqUjU

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