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NRA Children’s Propaganda

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What are our very nice friends at the National Rifle Association up to these days?

The world of make-believe can be a scary place, but never fear: Thanks to a series of reimagined fairy tales published online by the National Rifle Association, classic characters like Hansel and Gretel are now packing heat.

The group has published two of the updated tales on its N.R.A. Family website in recent months, entitled “Little Red Riding Hood (Has a Gun)” and “Hansel and Gretel (Have Guns).” The stories have outraged advocates of gun control, but their author, Amelia Hamilton, a conservative blogger, has called them lessons in gun safety.

“The stories are really also for adults, and it’s all about safety,” Ms. Hamilton said in an interview on “CBS This Morning” on Friday. “It’s for parents to start those conversations.”

N.R.A. Family asked its readers in an editor’s note if the dark overtones of the original fairy tales — an old woman eaten by a wolf and children cooked by a witch — ever made them “uneasy.” It said the new versions are meant to make the Grimm brothers’ tales less grim.

In Ms. Hamilton’s stories, each of the young protagonists (and one grandmother) is transformed from a victim into a hero with the help of a gun.

In the N.R.A. version, Little Red Riding Hood set off through the forest to visit her grandmother, just like in the original. But the Big Bad Wolf did not scare her this time, because she “felt the reassuring weight of the rifle on her shoulder.”

When the wolf approached her, “she shifted her rifle so that it was in her hands and at the ready.” He fled in fear.

Grandma, too, was saved by a gun. While distracting the wolf with compliments about the size of his eyes and ears, she slowly reached for her weapon.

“The wolf leaned in, jaws open wide, then stopped suddenly,” Ms. Hamilton wrote. “Those big ears heard the unmistakable sound of a shotgun’s safety being clicked off. Those big eyes looked down and saw that grandma had a scattergun aimed right at him.”

I don’t think I can make any useful comment about this. It speaks for itself. I guess this is how 4 year olds shoot their Jessi Colter circa 1975 look-a-like gun advocate mothers.

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  • Sooooo, Hanseld and Gretel and Red Riding Hood have guns, but the Big Bad Wolf and the Witch don’t.

    • Thirtyish

      Only good guys carry guns, clearly.

    • N__B

      More goddamned anti-wolf propaganda.

    • Hogan

      Never bring a wolf to a gunfight.

    • efgoldman

      Wait. If the bad guys don’t have penis-substitutes, why do the good guys need one? If the cliche is “the only thing stopping a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun,” shouldn’t the good guys in the story have real sharp teeth and an otherworldly sense of smell?

  • Thirtyish

    Jesus fucking Christ. I’m not a fan of children’s entertainment by any means (with the exception of Winnie the Pooh, which is unquestionably adorable, I find it all annoying) and I wasn’t really even when I was a kid, but these “reworkings” of popular children’s entertainment are a straight-up Zhadonvist nightmare. It’s beyond parody. I mean, seriously, how do you even make fun of this?This shit is clearly for ammosexual parents, not for the kids. Anyone who would buy these abominations for their kids clearly does not understand children and frankly probably should not have bred in the first place.

    • smitmaul

      This. Isn’t it enough to model the behaviors you want your children to emulate, and not make them suffer through absolutely shit reading material?

    • AMK

      In this country, it’s much harder to adopt a dog from a shelter than it is to become a parent. Something to think about every time someting like this comes out.

      • efgoldman

        In this country, it’s much harder to adopt a dog from a shelter than it is to become a parent.

        Or to obtain a firearm.

        • ChrisTS

          BINGO!

  • The Temporary Name

    Have they rewritten the New Testament yet?

    • Origami Isopod
      • Anna in PDX

        That led me to an enjoyable half hour reading lolcat versions of all the arguments for the existence of God… It was very entertaining. Andrew Schlafly’s project, not so much… It just sounded really stupid.

    • Seriously! I mean where would Christianity be today if Jesus had packed a shotgun?

      • Lee Rudolph

        Well, for one thing it would doubtless celebrate The Shotgun Wedding at Cana.

  • Thirtyish

    I also like how Hansel and Gretel appear to be college-aged. I guess depicting 8-year-olds packing heat is a bridge the NRA isn’t ready to cross.

    • Nobdy

      If Hansel and Gretel are 19 doesn’t that mean they are unlawfully entering the witch’s property (adults should be able to resist a candy house) and so SHE has the right, no the responsibility, to gun them down with an assault weapon in self protection?

      • Thirtyish

        And Hansel’s wearing a hoodie, so you just know he’s up to no good.

      • CD

        As she was sleeping, the three bears came home.

        “Someone’s been eating my porridge,” growled the Papa bear.

        “Someone’s been eating my porridge,” said the Mama bear.

        “Someone’s been eating my porridge and they ate it all up!” cried the Baby bear.

        “Someone’s been sitting in my chair,” growled the Papa bear.

        “Someone’s been sitting in my chair,” said the Mama bear.

        “Someone’s been sitting in my chair and they’ve broken it all to pieces,” cried the Baby bear.

        They armed themselves and when they got upstairs to the bedroom, Papa bear growled, “Someone’s been sleeping in my bed,”

        “Someone’s been sleeping in my bed, too” said the Mama bear

        “Someone’s been sleeping in my bed and she’s still there!” exclaimed Baby bear.

        “She won’t be doing that again,” growled Papa bear, raising his .380 Colt pistol.

        “No, no,” cried Baby bear. “She’s in my bed! I get to shoot her!” And Baby bear shot Goldilocks in the torso with the Browning BPS Micro Midas 20 Gauge shotgun he got for his birthday. Mama Bear finished Goldilocks off with her Hot Pink Glock.

        Papa Bear was very proud of them.

        • Well, there is this version of Goldilocks, with the classic ending of TR and his gun entering the fray.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKsGdZeRaVE

        • Barry Freed

          .380 ACP is a pretty low caliber for Papa Bear to be packing. Just sayin’

          • njorl

            It’s his hold out gun.
            Don’t think too hard about where he’s holding it out.

        • aaronl

          Perhaps the NRA version of “Goldilocks” would be a lesson in a home invasion gone tragically wrong…..

          First, Goldilocks shot baby bear but the gun was too big. Yuck.

          Then Goldilocks shot papa bear but the gun was too small, so she had to shoot him a couple more times.

          Then Goldilocks shot mama bear, and the gun was just right.

        • Angry Warthog Breath

          Goldilocks is white, whereas American bears tend to be at the least dangerously brown. She’d get to shoot all three bears and then the constabulary would decide it was probably her house after all.

        • “Someone’s been eating my porridge,” growled the Papa bear.

          Shick-shick! Let’s roll.

      • The Snow White’s Castle Doctrine.

    • nixnutz

      I was thinking they should be using their guns against the parents who led them into the woods to die but they changed that so the parents are just too dumb to come up with the idea of hunting for themselves.

  • Nobdy

    Promoting gun use by children is at the (no pun intended) cartoonish level of conservative villainy.

    Hundreds of children kill or injure innocents (often unintentionally) because they get their hands on guns.

    We banned Joe Camel for selling cigarettes to kids but it’s fine to openly and intentionally promote kids having GUNS?!?

    I get it I get it, second amendment.

    Most well-regulated militias do not have many eight year olds in them.

    • efgoldman

      We banned Joe Camel for selling cigarettes to kids but it’s fine to openly and intentionally promote kids having GUNS?!?

      We’ll have none of your “logic” and “common sense” around here, thank you young man.

  • StellaB

    Well, I have just consulted with the Brothers Grimm. Hansel and Gretel were saved when Gretel, through her own quick reaction, pushed the witch into the oven. Gretel was clearly an empowered feminist, so that story needed to be rewritten. OTOH, Red Riding Hood and her grandmother were saved when the huntsman opted not to shoot the wolf, but rather to cut him open to see if the grandmother was inside. In this case a knife was shown to be superior to a gun, so again the story needed a rewrite.

  • Hogan

    In Ms. Hamilton’s stories, each of the young protagonists (and one grandmother) is transformed from a victim into a hero with the help of a gun.

    Do these kids not watch TV? That happens all the freakin time.

    • N__B

      In Ms. Hamilton’s stories, each of the young protagonists (and one grandmother) is transformed from a victim into a hero with the help of a gun.

      I keep hearing people praising Hamilton, but I read this and wonder.

      • Hogan

        Different Hamilton. This one is the Wicked Witch of the West.

        • N__B

          If I had a margarita, I’d toast you.

          • njorl

            …and his little dog, too?

      • Cheerful

        The Nut has fallen very far from the tree.

    • Thirtyish

      To the perennially fearful and steadfastly unreflective, carrying a gun is the only way to have any kind of agency.

  • Sometimes I wonder how The Onion stays in business.

    • efgoldman

      I wonder how The Onion stays in business.

      Me too. I thought the 2008 election would have killed it.
      Saved, I guess by two groups of people: Those who don’t believe anything on the intartoobz is true, and those who believe everything on the intartoobz is true.

      • njorl

        I always thought they should have run a story about a fictional fake newspaper (The Scallion?) which goes out of business after “Heckuva a job, Brownie”.

  • Joe_JP

    The version with Gemma Arterton was okay … at least the part that I watched. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1428538/

  • efgoldman

    I’m very glad Florida Women is being charged with something.

    A copy of this investigation, along with an affidavit charging Gilt with a violation of Florida Statutes regarding the safe storage of firearms is being forwarded to the State Attorney’s Office for review.

    I assume in Florida that’s only a misdemeanor. I also assume she won’t actually see a day in jail.
    And what kind of booster seat was the kid in, that he could undo himself?

    • Lee Rudolph

      And what kind of booster seat was the kid in, that he could undo himself?

      Maybe he shot off the latch before turning the gun on Mom?

    • John Revolta

      He wasn’t. Surprise, surprise.

  • dp

    What did Jessi Colter do to deserve this?

  • DrDick

    I am so glad that all my grandchildren are grown up.

  • Yankee

    In tthe posted illustration, both appear trave the finger on the trigger, which is a basic safety violation.

  • Brett

    The Saturday Night Live (or Funny or Die) sketch practically writes itself.

  • Jestak

    The NRA is way behind on this–James Thurber did it better over 75 years ago in his story “The Little Girl and the Wolf.”

    You can read it here

  • delazeur

    I wonder why Loomis thought is was necessary to comment on the appearance of the gun nut…

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