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He don’t, he don’t, he don’t need no vibrator

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Few things amuse me like the reaction of a Very Serious Person who expects to be taken Very Seriously when people go out of their way to mock him a second time.

And that’s why I would like to shake the hand of every person who sent sex toys to the Very Serious Dickheads who are stinking up Malheur NWR.

“So we went and picked up some mail that came in from a lot of supporters,” Jon Ritzheimer says in a video posted on his Facebook page. “But along with that mail we got an abundance of hate mail.”

Not at all Mr. Ritzheimer! Those were gifts of love. I mean, how else are you going to unwind after a day of prowling the perimeter for Federal Freedoom Filchers? There’s only so many times a man can re-read the special Alex Jones version of the U.S. Constitution.

Maybe people forgot to send batteries. That would be rude.

“This one was really funny,” he grumbles. “It’s a bag of dicks.”

Oh for Pete’s sake. You all issued a desperate Send Only Snacks and now you’re going to complain about a nice bag of dicks?

“Rather than going out and doing good, they spend all their money on hate, hate, hate!” he says before pushing everything off the table.

Ingrate. He’ll feel stupid for damaging his nice new toys when this shows up.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

As an aside, I’ve given up trying to figure out the statergery regarding these cretins. They’re still doing mail runs? Maybe the sex toys are part of an elaborate plot to make them fight. Or leave them too exhausted to resist when the cops come round them up.

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  • Bootsie

    If they had half a clue among them, they would’ve realized this simple truth: asking the internet to stop sending you dildos will only make them send you more dildos.

    • busker type

      this is a fact for the ages

    • In fairness, we also sent gummy dildoes, so it’s not like we weren’t trying to help.

  • I’ve wondered about the 55 gallon drum of lube, but now I know why someone would order it, and I applaud the person who did. Now all that remains is to compose a list of other deserving recipients

    • N__B

      I’ve wondered about the 55 gallon drum of lube

      You must have missed the b.spencer dino porn posts.

    • Steppanhammer

      A guy at my fencing club is a veterinarian, and has pretty funny stories about what his Amazon suggestions are now, because they *do* order those 55 gallon lube drums at his clinic. They use them for lubricating thermometers and such things for working with the critters.

      • ajay

        Yes, vets (and doctors too I would imagine), and also cinema special effects houses. Ever seen “Alien”? All that slime dripping off the terrifying creature? Yep. It’s relatively cheap, non-allergenic, and pretty inert – in particular, of course, it doesn’t damage latex, which is good because that’s what special effects prostheses are made from.

        • Steppanhammer

          I hadn’t thought of that, neat.

          • NBarnes

            Yeah, the slime and shine you see in horror movies is generally water-based lube. Petroleum-based slimes degrade latex (thus why they say not to use oil-based lubes with condoms. Or aliens. Or alien condoms).

      • NBarnes

        Takes a lot of lube to get your forearm up a mare’s….

        My wife and I breed horses. I’ve seen how much lube it takes….

  • RabbitIslandHermit

    Fucking assholes, sending dildos instead of staging armed takeovers of federal buildings like real do-gooders.

    • rea

      Fucking assholes

      hence the dildos and lube.

    • Pat

      Hey, Powers that Be at LGM:

      Can you incorporate Shakezula’s new perfect quote into the masthead?

      Now you’re going to complain about a nice bag of dicks?

  • Warren Terra

    I just want to point out that, this 55 gallon drum having been purchased and directed to the Y’all Qaeda, Amazon says they only have two drums remaining in stock. So if you want to get one, you should act fast!

    • DrS

      Eh, water based

    • sparks

      How about sending them 50 lbs of frozen beef pizzle?

  • West

    C’mon all you patriots!! Now’s the time to drive to rural Oregon and prove your manhood by dramatically sweeping Amazon shipping boxes filled with dildos off a table onto the floor of a kitchen!! Oooh, Robert E Lee used to sweep boxes of dildos onto the floor, I bet. JEB Stuart too! If you haven’t swept a box of dildos onto the floor yet, what kind of man are you?

    Fellas?

    Hey, hello?

    Is this internet working?

    Where is everybody?

  • “This one was really funny,” he grumbles. “It’s a bag of dicks.”

    And they weren’t even salted.

    • Linnaeus

      Tbogg’s best blog post title ever.

    • dmsilev

      Some of those guys probably have blood pressure issues, so really, the low-sodium dicks were the thoughtful option.

  • heckblazer

    I guess they were hoping for fleshlights?

    • Origami Isopod

      Paul Ryan‘s busy these days.

  • Calming Influence

    I want a Tarp Man action figure.

  • ChrisTS

    You know, I think this is all very funny, and I’m willing to believe that the Fed ‘response’ is the wise approach, for some period of time.

    Nonetheless, I really wonder about letting this little town and the state of Oregon suffer from the invasion of these asshats. At some point, don’t the interests of locals outweigh the Feds’ desire to outlast these asshats? And, what happens when migration starts in the next couple of months? Will we let these shitheads shoot migratory birds?

    Obviously (I hope), I do not think going Waco on a wildlife preserve is a good idea. But, might we not stop the in going an out-going? I understand it is difficult to cut off their power without going close, but might not the “most powerful nation on earth” somehow hinder these assholes?

    • Warren Terra

      I do think there is too much leniency: they are apparently vandalizing the refuge (the fence they destroyed, the allegation they’re rifling through the computers and file cabinets, etcetera), and letting them come and go and receive pizza deliveries (and even lube drum deliveries) seems like a mistake. Also letting them have heat and light, although it may be preferable to give them utility service than to have them running some dirty two stroke generator; surely even these snackless wonders thought to bring generators and fuel.

      • Amadan

        …running some dirty two stroke generator

        fnarr fnarr

      • They plowed a new road yesterday.

      • Bruce B.

        I agree, a lot. There’s a tired part of me that says “I wouldn’t care if they all get gunned down”, but I do appreciate prudence. But this feels way past prudence, deep into coddling people in the midst of committing crimes.

    • RabbitIslandHermit

      Between this and Cliven Bundy getting to keep his stupid cattle the feds have pretty effectively sent the message that you can get away with pretty much anything if you have a white, armed militia backing you.

    • And, what happens when migration starts in the next couple of months? Will we let these shitheads shoot migratory birds?

      My money is on them pouring sump oil on the lake to destroy it as a habitat. Just to ease the local community off their dependence on bird-watching tourism money.

    • Rob in CT

      I waffle on this. On the one hand, I agree with everything you said. On the other… what if these idiots (and large majorities agree they’re idiots) staged a rebellion and nobody (but them) came? And we all basically just pointed and laughed? I mean, few things anger the Manly Man more than being laughed at.

      Of course, not *all* of us are pointing and laughing. Some are supportive and others are pissed, not amused (myself, some days). Which probably fuels these jerks. So I don’t know. I just don’t know.

      • Pat

        Apparently, they also hate nice, free bags of dicks.

    • kayden

      Coddling terrorists of a certain color is par for the course and I expect the Feds to excercise limitless restraint in how they handle these jerks. I guess they’ll leave when they’re bored or no longer getting adequate attention. They won’t be forced to do anything.

  • keta

    From his G-File (G-man, girls, guns, guts) Jonah Goldberg has some thoughts:

    Say you’re a ninja. Or maybe a former world champion mixed-martial-arts fighter. Or maybe you simply know the quart-of-blood technique or have mastered the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart technique. The point is, you have in your old kit bag a case of canned whup-ass and you keep your can-opener handy at all times. And should you ever run low, Amazon Prime has promised to restock your supply of whup-ass with same-day delivery. Now, imagine you’re sitting at the bar drinking a glass of milk. Some bro from the local Sigma Tau whatever frat house is all beer-muscle-y and bumps into you deliberately. You say, “watch out” or “no harm” or “be careful” — frankly it doesn’t matter much what you say, I’m just trying to build some narrative tension. The kid turns his baseball hat around, only to realize it was already backward, so he embarrassingly turns it around again. “You want two tickets to the gun show, mister?” the kid asks, nodding to his own biceps. Now, we can play out this stupid hypothetical for another couple pages of painfully clichéd dialogue. But let’s skip ahead and just assert that Man-Bun Biff — as I like to call him — over here in the ironic Nickelback t-shirt deserves to get his ass kicked. Indeed, he’s begging to get his ass kicked. Maybe he throws a drink in your face, or pulls a knife on you, or says something unforgivable like “Sophia Coppola was a brilliant casting choice for Godfather III.” Whatever. So you get up, calmly walk to the nearest computer and order Biff a big ol’ drum of sex lube. Fifty-five gallons. And then, suddenly, your friend says, “Don’t do it Jake, that’s exactly what this guy wants you to do!” But you know what? I do it anyhow, but here’s the brilliant part, where I really stick the knife in – I don’t send him the giant Twister tarp to go with it.

    Zoë and Pippa had fun with a homeless person today. Zoë tugged on his pantleg while Pippa had one of his wrists. What adorable dogs, but so much work! We all had so many laughs today that I bought them both Cheetos doggie snacks as a treat, and have to admit I tried one myself. Hey! They’re pretty good!

    • Some bro from the local Sigma Tau whatever frat house is all beer-muscle-y and bumps into you deliberately.

      And so we now know Jonah likes it rough.

  • CaptServo

    I’m wondering if Jon Ritzcracker has the sense to not make another ‘Don’t send us any more dildo videos’. One one hand it’s obvious that any person with a lick of common sense would realize that it would only give satisfaction to the second wave of dong senders and encourage a third wave. On the other hand, it’s only obvious to a person with a lick of common sense.

  • DrDick

    This really is my favorite response to these whackaloons. Now if the Feds would just lock them all up in a nice warm cell somewhere in North Dakota, that would be even better.

  • jva59

    I think we should be more accommodating of the Malheur malcontents’ prudery, by sending packages of food conspicuously marked ‘contains saltpeter’. Help them fight the devil’s urgings!

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