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War Erotica

[ 189 ] November 18, 2015 |

Kurt Schlichter is such a gross weirdo.

 

On a Florida golf course, the secure cell phone of the retired Marine everyone called “The Wildman” rang, ruining his putt. The Wildman was a legend for his aggression, hence his nickname.

And his love for the game of golf, the most macho game there is involving riding around in tiny carts and having other people carry your balls.

At an airfield outside Irbil, the brave Kurds beheld a nearly endless series of C-17 cargo planes flying in with the weapons and ammunition Obama refused to supply. The Iraqi prime minister called the President to complain that he had never given permission for any of this; the President informed the Iraqi leader that America wasn’t asking.

Hot.

 

“You will attack aggressively in order to destroy all ISIS forces in Iraq and Syria. You will kill all ISIS fighters who do not surrender. Your priority is the destruction of ISIS forces. The safety of civilians is secondary.”

A strategy this fleshed-out surely couldn’t fail.

 

The Americans published daily body counts. This horrified liberals, but delighted the American people,

who, apparently, are not Americans or even people!

When the war ended after two months, the President’s popularity was 80% and the final body count was 26,763 ISIS fighters dead. The Islamic State was just a terrible memory. Iran, North Korea, Russia and China all saw and understood that they would need to govern themselves accordingly in the face of a post-Obama America. And it would be years before any terrorist group dared again threaten the United States.

And then Kurt Schlicter used his G.I. Joe doll to give his Lando Calrissian action figure a roundhouse kick to the face.

 

The End.

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  1. Malaclypse says:

    Iran, North Korea, Russia and China all saw and understood that they would need to govern themselves accordingly in the face of a post-Obama America.

    And that’s when the crippling embargoes commenced.

  2. Woodrowfan says:

    I wonder how many bottles of Astro-glide and boxes of tissues he went through writing that.

  3. Ken says:

    Needs more voluptuous female ISIS agents saying “Teach me more of this ‘freedom'”.

  4. NonyNony says:

    Does he not realize that if it were actually this easy it would have been done already? And that nobody would care less what a bunch of liberals who have qualms about civilian body counts think about it?

    I have zero delusions about the effectiveness of my arguments about why killing civilians is bad from a moral level. I know that the main reason we aren’t actively involved in 10 more wars right now is because even if you want to start dropping nukes on your enemies, it still isn’t easy to “win” these kinds of conflicts.

  5. russiannavyblog says:

    He’s always struck me as the next Todd Kincannon

  6. apogean says:

    If Tom Clancy erotic slash fiction is publishable now I need to go get some stories from my old Fanfiction.net account

  7. Murc says:

    Reposting my comment on this on the sub-thread about this from yesterday, because I delude myself into thinking I’m relevant:

    ===

    I read the whole thing. I’m used to reading war porn; I do it recreationally, in fact, although it usually involves spaceships and books with a Baen logo on’em.

    The only realistic part in there is that if a bunch of terrorists did shoot up some shopping malls in October 2016, the election likely goes Republican. That would probably happen, yes.

    It’s more interesting for what it doesn’t say than it does say. It proffers a few fig leafs, like only going after “ISIS-supporting towns” and that people would be given the opportunity to surrender and whatnot. But if you look at the actual operational plan, it is literally to create a desert and call it peace; it specifically calls for the complete leveling and outright murder of every single person in ISIS-controlled territory between the Tigris and some unspecified point in Syria. It refers to the “few remaining civilians” in the area, eliding the fact that there are towns and cities with hundreds of thousands of people in them under ISIS control; the world is not a Call of Duty game.

    (ETA: or maybe it just assumes that there would only be a few civilians left because we killed them all; on closer reading it basically says the operational plan would be to roll up to a town and immediately begin leveling it with explosives and napalm.)

    As far as what he describes happening… sure. In the rawest operational sense what he describes is completely doable. We could perpetrate a massive act of extermination in central Iraq and eastern Syria. We’re pretty good at that.

    He’s utterly wrong about the consequences. Let’s leave aside the moral dimension for just a moment. First of all, what he proposes would, inevitably, require a second Iraq war as well. The non-ISIS aligned parts of Iraq would explode into resistance against us once it became clear what we were up to, leading to massive guerrilla resistance. What legitimate authority exists in Iraq would face the choice between political suicide in bowing to us or, more likely, quietly disintegrating their government. We’d quickly end up needing to level everything north of the Kuwaiti border, especially if the rules of engagement are “if someone takes a potshot at you level the town.”

    The Iranians might end up involved, which would mean widening the war to them, and potentially further east even to Pakistan. The Gulf States and all of North Africa would become politically destabilized as their populaces demand their leaders do something about us; we’re talking riots in Riyadh and Cairo.

    Even if the Iranians don’t get directly involved, they start a crash program to develop nukes, reasoning, rightly, that the only way to keep us at arms length is to have a deterrent. They are potentially aided in this by Russia and/or China, who draw closer together.

    Our European allies, repulsed by our actions, abandon us en masse, even those with right-leaning governments. Turkey turns violently against us for arming the Kurds, who begin agitating for Washington to provide them with a state. There’s a real possibility of a genuine re-organization of the international order away from the U.S.

    And terror strikes against us dramatically increase.

    And that’s just the realpolitick. The moral dimensions, I mean, well, those are obvious.

    ===

    Also too: I like how he provides the KIA figures for ISIS fighters, which look low, and not the civilian casualties which would need to be inflicted. Raqqa has a quarter-million people alone in it and he proposes to kill most of them.

  8. Warren Terra says:

    When the war ended after two months, the President’s popularity was 80% and the final body count was 26,763 ISIS fighters dead.

    Mind you, the war plan described involved the complete annihilation of essentially every city, town, or hamlet currently controlled by Daesh. This would involve the deaths of many hundreds of thousands of civilians, most of whose remains would never be recovered, in order to generate this incredibly precise body count of “ISIS fighters”.

    Also note that the mission that utterly flattens the IS capitol city is in the narrative called “Operation Linebacker II”. This demonstrates two things: (1) the wingers are always relitigating Vietnam; and (2) they don’t even understand their own strategy in the Vietnam war, which though brutal was nothing like as insanely bloodthirsty.

    Operation Linebacker II was the attempt to unleash the awesome power of the US Air Force and bring Hanoi to its knees. It involved over 2,000 aircraft (200 B-52s); 20,000 tons of bombs; massive damage to industrial facilities and at least one hospital; and fewer than 2000 civilians killed (in a city that had spent years preparing for air raids). Incredibly, the fictional “Operation Linebacker III” Schlichter envisions would be far, far worse – he doesn’t use the word “nuke”, apparently, but his text reads like a nuke was used, or sufficient traditional explosives to cause similar destruction.

  9. Jaime Oria says:

    “War erotica”, eh? Well, I’ll just leave this here.

    • BiloSagdiyev says:

      Yes. Old Kurt might want to ask this man if he had ever been bombed from the air.

      • Ken says:

        Wouldn’t work. Your Johnny Foreigner, show him a little shock’n’awe out of the belly of a B-52 and he’ll be welcoming you as a liberator, throwing flowers, and fawning at your feet in no time. But real ’Murcans, you drop a bomb on them, they go full “WOLVERINES!!!” and won’t stop fighting until every invader is dead.

        • Philip says:

          I hadn’t realized ‘Murcans were such big fans of Jim Harbaugh!

        • JR in WV says:

          I think the AC-130 Hercules can carry far more payload of (for example) fuel-air explosives than a B-52. They are heavy cargo aircraft adapted to carry 105mm auto-loading cannon (not useful for strategic bombing) as well as a huge number of guided smart bombs.

          In theory, those smart bombs could be replaced by stupid fuel-air explosives, or even MOAB=type bombs, and used to level cities full of innocent women and children. If you wanted to commit war crimes, of course.

          We do have American citizens who want to commit war crimes. Shameful as that is.

  10. rdennist says:

    What’s the civvy count? We managed to kill at least 150k of them in the Iraq war. Surely the number is larger than zero. Sick fvck.

  11. Bijan Parsia says:

    OH JOHN RINGO KURT SCHLICHTER NO!

    (With apologies…)

    • Bijan Parsia says:

      Maybe I should be apologising to Schlichter:

      I am going to skip over a bunch of stuff, like the hostages setting up a webcam link and getting live coverage on FOX News, but let me just tell you that the cavalry comes and rescues the coeds and the injured Mike, but not before he kills the president of Syria and Osama bin Laden, both of whom happen to be at the facility, and cuts bin Laden’s head off to put in a pail as a gift for the President. AND he convinces several of the coeds to become staunch Republicans.

      AND THAT IS JUST PART ONE.

  12. Major Kong says:

    If this is such a great plan why didn’t the Bush administration do it?

    I seriously doubt that liberal bleeding-heart Dick Cheney cared one iota about civilian casualties.

    • Murc says:

      I can’t believe I’m defending them here, but the neocons actually believed in using military force as a transformative rather than purely destructive tool. Dick Cheney and his buddies really, truly believed we could build America Junior on the banks of the Tigris, and to do that you need there to still be people living there.

      “Kill’em all, God will know his own” is a paleocon position, not a neocon one.

      • postmodulator says:

        Well, here are two opposing statements: “We can use military force to make a lot of peoples’ lives better” and “we can use military force to make a lot of people die.”

        The first statement has the virtue of noble intent. But the second statement has the much better virtue of being accurate.

      • kayden says:

        Yet the Iraq war started with “shock and awe”. How many Iraqis lost their lives because of the Bush/Cheney Iraqi war? How many were tortured? They wrecked the country. You must be referring to setting up a colony for the benefits of Americans and a few compliant Iraqis. You cannot mean that Bush/Cheney wanted to create a peaceful “America Junior” for the majority of Iraqis.

        Cheney was explicit about wanting to steal Iraq’s oil. That sounds like colonialism a la what Great Britain did to much of Africa and Asia.

        • Murc says:

          You cannot mean that Bush/Cheney wanted to create a peaceful “America Junior” for the majority of Iraqis.

          I do mean precisely that. They were awful at it, but that was the intent. Intent doesn’t count for a lot when you’re as spectacularly evil and incompetent as they were, but it does elevate them to a level above those who just want to glass the whole place.

          Cheney was explicit about wanting to steal Iraq’s oil. That sounds like colonialism a la what Great Britain did to much of Africa and Asia.

          Cheney probably believes that the British colonial project was an uplifting, elevating one and that the Indians and Kenyans don’t appreciate the great deal they got.

    • tsam says:

      They did. But then Obama went on an apology tour and fucked everything up. Before this is over, we’ll all be speaking muslim.

    • cpinva says:

      “If this is such a great plan why didn’t the Bush administration do it?”

      well (and I’m sure you noticed this within a week or two of 9/11.”), none of them was particularly bright, and the real generals were trying to figure out a plan that would result in the fewest casualties among our troops, while also not getting them tried for war crimes. the fact that they knew it wouldn’t work (it didn’t in Vietnam) probably kept a few of them from mentioning it as well.

      I must say, I feel sorry for whoever had to clean that room up, after he finished, er, um, uh………………typing. yeah, that’s it, typing!

  13. BiloSagdiyev says:

    And let’s not overlook American casualties. Let’s see, some dug in fanatics with a death wish, with us trying to use brute force?

    Tarawa: 1,696 U.S. dead
    Peleliu: 2,336
    Iwo Jima: 6,821
    Okinawa: 20,195

    Wheeeee!

  14. brad says:

    The horror(ible writing), the horror(ible writing).

  15. BiloSagdiyev says:

    And while we’re talking war porn…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMDnXp_Kv54

  16. humanoid.panda says:

    I think you missed the best part of the whole screed: Schlichter actually goes to the bother of pointing out that the war is paid for by nearly doubling payroll taxes and reducing social spending, while income taxes and capital taxes remain untouched. I mean, the man literally thinks that “rich man’s war, poor man’s fight” is a solid public relations plan!

  17. CP says:

    I want to point and laugh at these people, but I can’t even do that anymore. Those exact kind of delusions got tens of thousands of people killed in the last decade and almost certainly will do it again.

  18. sleepyirv says:

    President Rubio is such a RINO. President Cruz would have had Gen. Coward shot for suggesting a half-measure and gotten 120% public support!

  19. BiloSagdiyev says:

    I am the only one who thinks that Paris thing happened in a foreign country and that in two months’ time, they’ll all be screeching about Hillary’s emails again, or “Why do they keep denying there’s a Bill Clinton/Gina Gershon sex tape, every time we allege it based on nothing?!”

  20. tsam says:

    WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN

  21. tsam says:

    Kurt Schlichter is such a gross weirdo.

    For this situation, the phrase “gross grossperson” is what I would have gone with. But I LIKE where your head is at.

  22. The Temporary Name says:

    “Get the Wildman on the line.”

    YEYYEAAAARGH! GRAAAAHHHHH! RUHUHUHUHUHHHRRR!

  23. ckc_not_kc says:

    The Wildman was a legend for his aggression, hence his nickname, which alludes to the fact that he is a man who can be aggressive to the point of wildness, on occasion.

    (if you’re going to write for the densest common denominator, do it right)

  24. Bitter Scribe says:

    And then Kurt Schlicter used his G.I. Joe doll to give his Lando Calrissian action figure a roundhouse kick to the face.

    Wouldn’t a G.I. Joe doll use a kung-fu grip?

  25. Bitter Scribe says:

    You left out the porniest part: Muslim terrorists gunning down hundreds of people in “gun-free shopping malls” in Chicago and San Francisco, but only dozens in Dallas and Phoenix (or some such places) because they were stopped by insurance salesmen and retired teachers packing Glocks.

  26. JustRuss says:

    “Daily body counts” is a hell of a tell. In Vietnam, the body count fetish came to be seen as an admission that the US had lost sight of the mission but needed some kind of metric to measure “progress”. It’s also accepted that “collateral damage” was often included in the counts, creating incentives for commanders to create more collateral damage to juice their numbers. This idiot’s cheerleading for body counts is all kinds of fail.

  27. Randy says:

    I’m speechless. This reads like the libretto for an opera by Barry Stadler.

  28. kayden says:

    So why didn’t Schlicter’s fantasy play out in Iraq or Afghanistan during the Bush Presidency? Why wasn’t terrorism defeated completely and totally during his 8 years of warmongering? His fantasy is not appealing to sensible people who can think for themselves and know that the Bush wars (even the more justifiable Afghanistan adventure) were failures.

    Perhaps Schlicter can live out his fantasy and actually gather some Republican friends to go toe to toe against IS without President Muslim Kenya’s authorization. I’d go for that.

    • BiloSagdiyev says:

      So why didn’t Schlicter’s fantasy play out in Iraq or Afghanistan during the Bush Presidency? Why wasn’t terrorism defeated completely and totally during his 8 years of warmongering?

      Because libruhls. We are always to blame for not letting them have everything they want. Of course, throughout the 2000’s, they sure got a whole lot of what they want, and look how popular their party was by 2008…

      Perhaps Schlicter can live out his fantasy and actually gather some Republican friends to go toe to toe against IS without President Muslim Kenya’s authorization. I’d go for that.

      I hadn’t heard of this guy before today, and I googled, and didn’t find a wikipedia entry for him, so I guess he’s a nobody, but usually I figure out the age of said chickenhawk and start announcing all of the wars he failed to volunteer for, and point out the four years of college and maybe more school, yet not ROTC, no liberation of Grenada, no lying about his age or dropping out of school so he could get his hands around those commanists or jihadist’s throats.

      And I propose that they be dropped off with a canteen and a pointed stick in the desert and told to go forth and liberate the heathens…

      So, don’t know this guy, but I’m guessing… But I better not say any more, he might own a Kimber M1911A1.

      • brugroffil says:

        Per the article, he’s retired Army.

        • BiloSagdiyev says:

          Hmm, I ranover to Mangoton very quickly. Retired infantry colonel. This is most likely 20 years of active duty retired, but… call me a skeptic, there’s always Army Reserve, and retired early for disability, which can include psych conditions. But I don’t know, and won’t say any more, lest he shoot me with a Kimber M1911A1 .45.

          It would be neat if a Mumbai-style attack on a Houston mall was foiled by a Mexican day laborer with machete. Or by Machete.

      • Major Kong says:

        I have a Kimber M1911.

        It malfunctions roughly once ever 10-20 rounds. That’s after I sent it back to the factory to have it fixed.

        It’s very accurate, when it actually works. For what I paid for the thing I’m not very impressed.

        • tsam says:

          I think they used to only do match grade .45s and then moved into accurized mil-spec models that normal people can afford. For a 1911 style pistol, my old Colt M1991A1 was about as good as it gets–at least for a single-action only pistol, which I no longer have any interest in owning.

          • Major Kong says:

            I only bought it because I thought I should have a 1911 in my collection.

            It looks nice and fits my hand well. Just unreliable as all get out.

            • rhino says:

              Isn’t the point of the 1911 that it’s reliable? How did they fuck that up?

              Personally I consider the Lee Enfield .303 the pinnacle of boom stick development, but it’s not especially discreet…

              • Major Kong says:

                The actual military version was deliberately built with sloppy tolerances so that it would function even under rough conditions. They didn’t always shoot straight but they always shot.

                A lot of the civilian versions have been very finely machined for high accuracy, at the expense of reliability.

                It seems like you can have one or the other, but not both, with this design.

        • M. Bouffant says:

          A friend just got a COLT 1911, for about US$800.00, & it is very nice, much nicer than the Kimber according to another friend who knows this stuff.

          Don’t know how reliable it is ‘though, he hadn’t even gotten any ammo when I saw it.

        • wengler says:

          My Dad has a Colt .45 (don’t know the model) pistol that jams up roughly every 15 rounds. It’s fun to shoot when it works, but I would hate to actually rely on it to save my life. And I’m certainly not going to walk around with the damn thing hoping for some sort of action movie scenario.

  29. pianomover says:

    I’m not a religious person but I got on a plane and we had some really bad turbulence and the first thing I did was to start hating gay people.
    Dan Mintz

  30. DrS says:

    Can anyone find the link to this guy’s stand-up comedy?

  31. Area Man says:

    …and the final body count was 26,763 ISIS fighters dead.

    I love how there’s a precise count of the number of bad guys dead from indiscriminate bombing of population centers.

  32. B. Peasant says:

    Kurt Schlichter

    Am I the only one who did a double-take at the name?

  33. Falstaff says:

    HOLY Fuck is that some self-aggrandizing shite!

  34. CSI says:

    Imagine if this strategy had been followed in occupied France in 1944… every town and city in northern France would have been burnt to the ground.

    • efgoldman says:

      Imagine if this strategy had been followed in occupied France in 1944… every town and city in northern France would have been burnt to the ground.

      And the Germans (being German) would have made a precise body count, declared victory, and gone home. D-Day would have been unnecessary.

  35. hylen says:

    And his love for the game of golf, the most macho game there is involving riding around in tiny carts and having other people carry your balls.

    I declare the internet over for today Wed.

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