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War Erotica

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Kurt Schlichter is such a gross weirdo.

 

On a Florida golf course, the secure cell phone of the retired Marine everyone called “The Wildman” rang, ruining his putt. The Wildman was a legend for his aggression, hence his nickname.

And his love for the game of golf, the most macho game there is involving riding around in tiny carts and having other people carry your balls.

At an airfield outside Irbil, the brave Kurds beheld a nearly endless series of C-17 cargo planes flying in with the weapons and ammunition Obama refused to supply. The Iraqi prime minister called the President to complain that he had never given permission for any of this; the President informed the Iraqi leader that America wasn’t asking.

Hot.

 

“You will attack aggressively in order to destroy all ISIS forces in Iraq and Syria. You will kill all ISIS fighters who do not surrender. Your priority is the destruction of ISIS forces. The safety of civilians is secondary.”

A strategy this fleshed-out surely couldn’t fail.

 

The Americans published daily body counts. This horrified liberals, but delighted the American people,

who, apparently, are not Americans or even people!

When the war ended after two months, the President’s popularity was 80% and the final body count was 26,763 ISIS fighters dead. The Islamic State was just a terrible memory. Iran, North Korea, Russia and China all saw and understood that they would need to govern themselves accordingly in the face of a post-Obama America. And it would be years before any terrorist group dared again threaten the United States.

And then Kurt Schlicter used his G.I. Joe doll to give his Lando Calrissian action figure a roundhouse kick to the face.

 

The End.

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  • Malaclypse

    Iran, North Korea, Russia and China all saw and understood that they would need to govern themselves accordingly in the face of a post-Obama America.

    And that’s when the crippling embargoes commenced.

  • Woodrowfan

    I wonder how many bottles of Astro-glide and boxes of tissues he went through writing that.

    • ColBatGuano

      Seriously, was his keyboard even functional after he repeatedly shot his load all over it as he typed?

      • Woodrowfan

        I’m sure as hell not touching it!!!!!

  • Ken

    Needs more voluptuous female ISIS agents saying “Teach me more of this ‘freedom'”.

    • DrS

      Try Tucker Carlson’s place for that

      • timb

        score. That’s disgusting even for Tucker.

        Oh, hold it, he still employs professional troll Jim Treacher, so I guess it’s not a surprise

    • Murc

      “What Bill O’Reilly erotic novel are you living in?” J

      “I suppose our situation is most reminiscent of The Commodore’s Lust from the Patriots After Dark series.”

    • I guess John Ringo was too busy to co-author.

      • Bill Murray

        John C. Wright is so John C. Wrong

      • Origami Isopod

        This sounds more like T0m [email protected]@n tbh.

        • wjts

          I was given to understand that the preferred euphemism was “Tank Marmot”.

      • Pseudonym

        The only thing I know about John Ringo is “OH JOHN RINGO NO” but that’s probably sufficient.

  • NonyNony

    Does he not realize that if it were actually this easy it would have been done already? And that nobody would care less what a bunch of liberals who have qualms about civilian body counts think about it?

    I have zero delusions about the effectiveness of my arguments about why killing civilians is bad from a moral level. I know that the main reason we aren’t actively involved in 10 more wars right now is because even if you want to start dropping nukes on your enemies, it still isn’t easy to “win” these kinds of conflicts.

    • AlanInSF

      Send the army to a place and kill all the bad guys, then leave. What could be more simple? Works every time.

      • patrick II

        Isn’t that what we called “shock and awe?” It worked so well last time .

  • russiannavyblog

    He’s always struck me as the next Todd Kincannon

    • timb

      Please Kincannon is only half the asshole Schlichter, the gun toting dork, is

  • apogean

    If Tom Clancy erotic slash fiction is publishable now I need to go get some stories from my old Fanfiction.net account

  • Murc

    Reposting my comment on this on the sub-thread about this from yesterday, because I delude myself into thinking I’m relevant:

    ===

    I read the whole thing. I’m used to reading war porn; I do it recreationally, in fact, although it usually involves spaceships and books with a Baen logo on’em.

    The only realistic part in there is that if a bunch of terrorists did shoot up some shopping malls in October 2016, the election likely goes Republican. That would probably happen, yes.

    It’s more interesting for what it doesn’t say than it does say. It proffers a few fig leafs, like only going after “ISIS-supporting towns” and that people would be given the opportunity to surrender and whatnot. But if you look at the actual operational plan, it is literally to create a desert and call it peace; it specifically calls for the complete leveling and outright murder of every single person in ISIS-controlled territory between the Tigris and some unspecified point in Syria. It refers to the “few remaining civilians” in the area, eliding the fact that there are towns and cities with hundreds of thousands of people in them under ISIS control; the world is not a Call of Duty game.

    (ETA: or maybe it just assumes that there would only be a few civilians left because we killed them all; on closer reading it basically says the operational plan would be to roll up to a town and immediately begin leveling it with explosives and napalm.)

    As far as what he describes happening… sure. In the rawest operational sense what he describes is completely doable. We could perpetrate a massive act of extermination in central Iraq and eastern Syria. We’re pretty good at that.

    He’s utterly wrong about the consequences. Let’s leave aside the moral dimension for just a moment. First of all, what he proposes would, inevitably, require a second Iraq war as well. The non-ISIS aligned parts of Iraq would explode into resistance against us once it became clear what we were up to, leading to massive guerrilla resistance. What legitimate authority exists in Iraq would face the choice between political suicide in bowing to us or, more likely, quietly disintegrating their government. We’d quickly end up needing to level everything north of the Kuwaiti border, especially if the rules of engagement are “if someone takes a potshot at you level the town.”

    The Iranians might end up involved, which would mean widening the war to them, and potentially further east even to Pakistan. The Gulf States and all of North Africa would become politically destabilized as their populaces demand their leaders do something about us; we’re talking riots in Riyadh and Cairo.

    Even if the Iranians don’t get directly involved, they start a crash program to develop nukes, reasoning, rightly, that the only way to keep us at arms length is to have a deterrent. They are potentially aided in this by Russia and/or China, who draw closer together.

    Our European allies, repulsed by our actions, abandon us en masse, even those with right-leaning governments. Turkey turns violently against us for arming the Kurds, who begin agitating for Washington to provide them with a state. There’s a real possibility of a genuine re-organization of the international order away from the U.S.

    And terror strikes against us dramatically increase.

    And that’s just the realpolitick. The moral dimensions, I mean, well, those are obvious.

    ===

    Also too: I like how he provides the KIA figures for ISIS fighters, which look low, and not the civilian casualties which would need to be inflicted. Raqqa has a quarter-million people alone in it and he proposes to kill most of them.

    • Ken

      Well dammit man, you’ve got to expect a few broken eggs when you’re driving a steamroller over a henhouse.

      • Rob in CT

        “I’m not saying we wouldn’t get our hair mussed.”

        • Lee Rudolph

          “I’m not saying we wouldn’t get our hair mussed.”

          It can be held in place with greasy kid guts.

          …Stuff. I MEAN STUFF!!!

      • Hogan

        And if you know a better way to make an omelet, I’d like to hear it.

        • Rob in CT

          Convincing the eggs to break themselves in order to aspire to omelettehood, of course!

          • DAS

            I find your ideas intriguing and would like to subscribe to your cookbook series.

    • timb

      He couldn’t find Raqqa on a map

      oh, I enjoyed that comment last evening as well;)

    • NBarnes

      This is actually a fantastic story. It’s got some complexity, which adds verisimilitude.

  • Warren Terra

    When the war ended after two months, the President’s popularity was 80% and the final body count was 26,763 ISIS fighters dead.

    Mind you, the war plan described involved the complete annihilation of essentially every city, town, or hamlet currently controlled by Daesh. This would involve the deaths of many hundreds of thousands of civilians, most of whose remains would never be recovered, in order to generate this incredibly precise body count of “ISIS fighters”.

    Also note that the mission that utterly flattens the IS capitol city is in the narrative called “Operation Linebacker II”. This demonstrates two things: (1) the wingers are always relitigating Vietnam; and (2) they don’t even understand their own strategy in the Vietnam war, which though brutal was nothing like as insanely bloodthirsty.

    Operation Linebacker II was the attempt to unleash the awesome power of the US Air Force and bring Hanoi to its knees. It involved over 2,000 aircraft (200 B-52s); 20,000 tons of bombs; massive damage to industrial facilities and at least one hospital; and fewer than 2000 civilians killed (in a city that had spent years preparing for air raids). Incredibly, the fictional “Operation Linebacker III” Schlichter envisions would be far, far worse – he doesn’t use the word “nuke”, apparently, but his text reads like a nuke was used, or sufficient traditional explosives to cause similar destruction.

    • Murc

      Yeah, the spirit of Douhet and Mitchell really lives on in that fantasy, doesn’t it?

      Mind you, I’m not sure we’ve really seen what an intense aerial bombardment that doesn’t give a shit about civilian casualties (and, indeed, is intended to cause them) is capable of when using modern precision munitions against a non-hardened target. Is it in fact possible for us to now actually allocate bombs on a one-per-household basis?

      • Philip

        I think this is important. After all, for all the general cultural disregard for collateral damage in the US, the weapons we actually use are pretty precise. Most civilian deaths are (as I understand it) because we shot at the wrong people, not because we shot at the right people and missed.

        • Rob in CT

          I think it’s a mixture of that and “we shot at the right people, hit the target, and the weapon’s power is such that it not only destroyed the target but surrounding buildings with people in them.” That, to me, was the original meaning of collateral damage.

          • Philip

            That’s a fair point. But the delivery systems themselves actually allow us to target individuals provided we give a fuck enough to use something less powerful than a fairly substantial bomb (which we don’t).

      • Warren Terra

        Of course it’s possible, but guided munitions are incredibly expensive, and Schlichter explicitly makes it clear that the attacks he envisions will leave nothing standing in their wake. So, presumably carpet-bombing, or fuel-air explosives (remember the discussions during the Iraq War of technically conventional MOABs?), or nukes.

        • Murc

          Don’t you basically need either intense firebombing, a nuke, or guided munitions in order to literally leave nothing standing, though? My understanding is that traditional carpet bombing is actually really bad at that.

          • so-in-so

            You assume he really understands military realities?

            Like assuming porn really understands relationships.

            • cpinva

              “Like assuming porn really understands relationships.”

              unlike the col., porn makes no pretense of being about “relationships”.

        • timb

          Mark Levin talks about heavy bombing of the region as often as talks about how immigration will make America not majority white, i.e., almost everyday.

          These people could give a crap about others

          • cpinva

            “These people could give a crap about others”

            they don’t actually even think about others, they’re too busy jerking off to this shit.

    • Warren Terra

      Er, he calls his mission Operation Linebacker III, not II. Sorry.

    • postmodulator

      I just got into a thing on Facebook with someone claiming that North Vietnam was just about to surrender because of strategic bombing when we wimped out. He claimed that Germany surrendered because of strategic bombing, too, and not because, say, the Russians were in fucking Berlin.

      He’s ex-USAF, so there you go.

      • Hogan

        Send him a copy of Grounded.

          • Hogan

            Oh sorry, I meant Branded.

            • Possibly the cheesiest theme to a tee vee show ever:
              “What do you do when you’re branded, but you know you’re a man?”

              Show was nearly prescient about the U.S. military post-‘Nam.

              • Stranded — trapped on a toilet bowl!
                What do you do when you’re stranded, and you don’t have roll?

          • rea
        • Pseudonym

          Throw in a copy of Out of Sight just for kicks.

      • efgoldman

        He’s ex-USAF, so there you go.

        Zombie Curtis LeMay?

  • “War erotica”, eh? Well, I’ll just leave this here.

  • Philip

    I know someone who might have had some thoughts on this.

    • BiloSagdiyev

      Yes. Old Kurt might want to ask this man if he had ever been bombed from the air.

      • Ken

        Wouldn’t work. Your Johnny Foreigner, show him a little shock’n’awe out of the belly of a B-52 and he’ll be welcoming you as a liberator, throwing flowers, and fawning at your feet in no time. But real ’Murcans, you drop a bomb on them, they go full “WOLVERINES!!!” and won’t stop fighting until every invader is dead.

        • Philip

          I hadn’t realized ‘Murcans were such big fans of Jim Harbaugh!

        • JR in WV

          I think the AC-130 Hercules can carry far more payload of (for example) fuel-air explosives than a B-52. They are heavy cargo aircraft adapted to carry 105mm auto-loading cannon (not useful for strategic bombing) as well as a huge number of guided smart bombs.

          In theory, those smart bombs could be replaced by stupid fuel-air explosives, or even MOAB=type bombs, and used to level cities full of innocent women and children. If you wanted to commit war crimes, of course.

          We do have American citizens who want to commit war crimes. Shameful as that is.

  • My Little War Boner.

    • Arla

      It’s not the size that matters, Shakez!

  • rdennist

    What’s the civvy count? We managed to kill at least 150k of them in the Iraq war. Surely the number is larger than zero. Sick fvck.

    • Rob in CT

      Based on Murc’s writeup, it sounds like killing a lot of civilians is kinda of the point of the excercise.

      It’s the “Mongol” (or Roman, or…) option.

      • Hogan

        Allah will know his own.

      • Murc

        He elides it a lot but yes. You can tell by reading it that the explicit goal is to kill everyone in the area ISIS controls. He doesn’t actually say that directly, but that’s the goal.

        • rdennist

          Because it makes you look tough. It’s sad. I don’t get the conservatives, aside from the fact that they’ve gone completely mad.

      • timb

        crap, it’s pretty much anyone prior to 15th century.

        it’s ironic he wants to play Assyria’s greatest hits on their old jukebox

  • OH JOHN RINGO KURT SCHLICHTER NO!

    (With apologies…)

    • Maybe I should be apologising to Schlichter:

      I am going to skip over a bunch of stuff, like the hostages setting up a webcam link and getting live coverage on FOX News, but let me just tell you that the cavalry comes and rescues the coeds and the injured Mike, but not before he kills the president of Syria and Osama bin Laden, both of whom happen to be at the facility, and cuts bin Laden’s head off to put in a pail as a gift for the President. AND he convinces several of the coeds to become staunch Republicans.

      AND THAT IS JUST PART ONE.

      • wjts

        That scenario is even better if you imagine that in the wake of 9/11 Mike carried a pail with him at all times just in case he ever ran into bin Laden.

        • Warren Terra

          Don’t you remember the stories of the Special Forces in Afghanistan who were issued a styrofoam container of dry ice for just such a purpose?

      • rea

        A little unfair to Ringo, who wrote that series with a certain amount of irony

        • There is no unfair for John Ringo!

          Read the review!

  • If this is such a great plan why didn’t the Bush administration do it?

    I seriously doubt that liberal bleeding-heart Dick Cheney cared one iota about civilian casualties.

    • Murc

      I can’t believe I’m defending them here, but the neocons actually believed in using military force as a transformative rather than purely destructive tool. Dick Cheney and his buddies really, truly believed we could build America Junior on the banks of the Tigris, and to do that you need there to still be people living there.

      “Kill’em all, God will know his own” is a paleocon position, not a neocon one.

      • postmodulator

        Well, here are two opposing statements: “We can use military force to make a lot of peoples’ lives better” and “we can use military force to make a lot of people die.”

        The first statement has the virtue of noble intent. But the second statement has the much better virtue of being accurate.

      • kayden

        Yet the Iraq war started with “shock and awe”. How many Iraqis lost their lives because of the Bush/Cheney Iraqi war? How many were tortured? They wrecked the country. You must be referring to setting up a colony for the benefits of Americans and a few compliant Iraqis. You cannot mean that Bush/Cheney wanted to create a peaceful “America Junior” for the majority of Iraqis.

        Cheney was explicit about wanting to steal Iraq’s oil. That sounds like colonialism a la what Great Britain did to much of Africa and Asia.

        • Murc

          You cannot mean that Bush/Cheney wanted to create a peaceful “America Junior” for the majority of Iraqis.

          I do mean precisely that. They were awful at it, but that was the intent. Intent doesn’t count for a lot when you’re as spectacularly evil and incompetent as they were, but it does elevate them to a level above those who just want to glass the whole place.

          Cheney was explicit about wanting to steal Iraq’s oil. That sounds like colonialism a la what Great Britain did to much of Africa and Asia.

          Cheney probably believes that the British colonial project was an uplifting, elevating one and that the Indians and Kenyans don’t appreciate the great deal they got.

          • The Temporary Name

            I do mean precisely that. They were awful at it, but that was the intent.

            There was no one intent. It was as completely confused an operation as could be.

            • UserGoogol

              Sure, but “why don’t we just kill everyone” is a policy which requires a certain degree of consensus behind it to make it happen.

              • The Temporary Name

                Instead of either/or, let’s imagine a roulette wheel of reasons, each of which appeals to a certain amount of nitwits.

    • tsam

      They did. But then Obama went on an apology tour and fucked everything up. Before this is over, we’ll all be speaking muslim.

      • JustRuss

        Kudo’s for “speaking muslim”. Which I will be stealing.

    • cpinva

      “If this is such a great plan why didn’t the Bush administration do it?”

      well (and I’m sure you noticed this within a week or two of 9/11.”), none of them was particularly bright, and the real generals were trying to figure out a plan that would result in the fewest casualties among our troops, while also not getting them tried for war crimes. the fact that they knew it wouldn’t work (it didn’t in Vietnam) probably kept a few of them from mentioning it as well.

      I must say, I feel sorry for whoever had to clean that room up, after he finished, er, um, uh………………typing. yeah, that’s it, typing!

  • BiloSagdiyev

    And let’s not overlook American casualties. Let’s see, some dug in fanatics with a death wish, with us trying to use brute force?

    Tarawa: 1,696 U.S. dead
    Peleliu: 2,336
    Iwo Jima: 6,821
    Okinawa: 20,195

    Wheeeee!

  • brad

    The horror(ible writing), the horror(ible writing).

  • BiloSagdiyev

    And while we’re talking war porn…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMDnXp_Kv54

  • humanoid.panda

    I think you missed the best part of the whole screed: Schlichter actually goes to the bother of pointing out that the war is paid for by nearly doubling payroll taxes and reducing social spending, while income taxes and capital taxes remain untouched. I mean, the man literally thinks that “rich man’s war, poor man’s fight” is a solid public relations plan!

    • JKTH

      Which means he would literally be raiding Social Security of trillions of dollars. Sounds like a winner to me.

    • rea

      And the hell of it is, this is probably less regressive than the “plans” being offered by declared Republican presidential candidates, like for example, Rubio

  • CP

    I want to point and laugh at these people, but I can’t even do that anymore. Those exact kind of delusions got tens of thousands of people killed in the last decade and almost certainly will do it again.

  • sleepyirv

    President Rubio is such a RINO. President Cruz would have had Gen. Coward shot for suggesting a half-measure and gotten 120% public support!

    • Origami Isopod

      General Cuckservative, you mean.

  • BiloSagdiyev

    I am the only one who thinks that Paris thing happened in a foreign country and that in two months’ time, they’ll all be screeching about Hillary’s emails again, or “Why do they keep denying there’s a Bill Clinton/Gina Gershon sex tape, every time we allege it based on nothing?!”

    • Lee Rudolph

      Two months?

      I give it one month, tops, before the Spirit of Christmas and the War Thereon takes over entirely.

      • BiloSagdiyev

        A war on Charlize Theron?! Does liberal perfidy know no bounds?!

        • wjts

          The Italian Job really was a pretty crummy movie.

          • postmodulator

            Counterpoint: shut up, Charlize Theron is our greatest movie star.

          • CP

            Hey, I liked that movie.

            Mostly because Theron.

            • rea

              Can’t forgive her for what she tried to do to Snow White

              • NonyNony

                It’s getting a sequel!

        • jim, some guy in iowa

          time to re-register as a Green party member I think

    • CP

      I hope so, but I think basic racism and fearmongering is entrenched enough on the conservative side that they’re going to be milking this one for a long time to come.

      It’s just perfect: it’s got the Islamophobia that’s become their new pet prejudie, mixed in with the anti-immigrant Know-Nothingism they’d been peddling (with less success) against Mexicans and Central Americans more recently, mixed in with an opportunity to revive the post-9/11 hysteria that served them so well a decade ago.

      Plus, I frankly think that the more dispossessed and in need of help a population is, the more they get off on kicking it in the gutter. And it’s hard to get more dispossessed than refugees fleeing a war/ethnic-cleansing zone.

      • timb

        CP, don’t forget that many of them like to combine their fears and hatreds into a delicious melange: the Arab terrorists will sneak over the Mexican border to get us!

        Never mind that the only border they ever snuck over was ours with the ocean and ours with Canada. All brown people look alike to a white supremacist

        • Woodrowfan

          AND they will join Black Lives Matter/ACORN, and hide out at Planned Parenthood clinics…

      • JKTH

        mixed in with an opportunity to revive the post-9/11 hysteria that served them so well a decade ago last year.

        They already got a run-through with Ebola AND Islamophobia last year.

        • Origami Isopod

          Did it serve them so well last year, though? Sure, the GOP did well at the polls, but they always do in the midterms, and I don’t think either issue gave them an exceptional boost.

  • tsam

    WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN

      • Karate Bearfighter

        I’m pretty sure Schlichter says both prayers out loud.

      • tsam

        I was committed to a charity dinner for a local outfit similar to the Make a Wish Foundation (called Wishing Star–copycatters).

        A pair of tickets to Hal Holbrook’s Mark Twain show fell in my lap for that night and *sniff* I couldn’t *sniff sniff* go! *SOOOOBBBBBBB!!!*

        Oh well. It’s a charity that helps kids facing their own premature deaths, which no kid should ever have to face. (Or parent for that matter). Damn kid with Leukemia there made me fucking cry.

  • tsam

    Kurt Schlichter is such a gross weirdo.

    For this situation, the phrase “gross grossperson” is what I would have gone with. But I LIKE where your head is at.

  • The Temporary Name

    “Get the Wildman on the line.”

    YEYYEAAAARGH! GRAAAAHHHHH! RUHUHUHUHUHHHRRR!

  • ckc_not_kc

    The Wildman was a legend for his aggression, hence his nickname, which alludes to the fact that he is a man who can be aggressive to the point of wildness, on occasion.

    (if you’re going to write for the densest common denominator, do it right)

  • Bitter Scribe

    And then Kurt Schlicter used his G.I. Joe doll to give his Lando Calrissian action figure a roundhouse kick to the face.

    Wouldn’t a G.I. Joe doll use a kung-fu grip?

    • BiloSagdiyev

      It’s gripping something else.

  • Bitter Scribe

    You left out the porniest part: Muslim terrorists gunning down hundreds of people in “gun-free shopping malls” in Chicago and San Francisco, but only dozens in Dallas and Phoenix (or some such places) because they were stopped by insurance salesmen and retired teachers packing Glocks.

    • postmodulator

      Fire superiority? What’s that?

      • The Temporary Name

        WILDMAN MAKE FIRE

    • Warren Terra

      insurance salesmen and retired teachers packing Glocks.

      Clearly you have a bit of a poor feel for winger war p0rn: they weren’t “packing Glocks”; instead, we are told the following:

      police credited dead terrorists to a retired schoolteacher with a Glock 19 and an insurance salesman carrying a Kimber M1911A1

      The author providing precise model numbers and citing a somewhat more obscure brand is very important to establishing the enormity of his metaphorical manhood.

      • BiloSagdiyev

        Also, a plain ol’ 1940’s era aged Colt M1911A1 would work just fine. Or a 70 year old .38 caliber revolver. All these bullets are very dangerous no matter what they fly out of.

        Real comic book stuff.

        • “The neighborhood is so tough, they insert the bullets manually.”

        • Gabriel Ratchet

          Specificity, as the saying goes, is the soul of narrative, however, I rather suspect that the fact that he doesn’t bother to give his salt-of-the-earth Mary Sues names, but lovingly details the precise make and model numbers of the weapons they use, says more about him than the word-picture he’s trying to paint.

      • sparks

        Ye gods, you just reminded me of Den Beste and his then-favorite anime, where there was a lot of gun porn. I bet he was reciting the make/model of each one as he saw them.

        • rea

          Remember when Den Beste was taken seriously as a bold new voice on the right?

          (I remember in particular a pre-Iraq war piece by him very similar in tone to the Kurt Schlichter piece (sans tax policy, of course–that was back when deficits didn’t matter), in which he predicted that the war would open with a carrier battle in the Persian Gulf–with the French.)

    • kayden

      Chicago is gun free? Tell that to the hundreds of people shot down this year.

      • There are parts of Chicago I would advise you not to try to invade.

        • Hogan

          Rick Blaine FTW

    • Karate Bearfighter
      • efgoldman

        Meanwhile, in Texas ….

        That’s not from The Onion, is it? It’s getting harder and harder to parody them, because they have descended into self-parody.
        I thought we had reached that point in the runup to the 2008 election. Crazy unbelievable, how wrong I was.

    • brownian

      I’m confused by the need for President to call in the Wildman when a handful of responsible gun owners could have dealt with the situation and been back home grading non-Common Core math tests in a matter of days. Is winger porn not even free of government overreach these days?`

      • The national security state, law enforcement & the military-industrial-Congressional complex are not part of the income-redistributing & poor-coddling government, & therefore cannot overreach.

        Indeed, they obviously haven’t reached far enough.

        • brownian

          Right, right, right. Sorry.

          So, the retired teacher was non-union and taught at a charter school, then?

          • Malaclypse

            Also, he prayed in school, and made damn sure the students bowed their heads, all while debunking Darwin and teaching the manly virtue of the gold standard.

  • JustRuss

    “Daily body counts” is a hell of a tell. In Vietnam, the body count fetish came to be seen as an admission that the US had lost sight of the mission but needed some kind of metric to measure “progress”. It’s also accepted that “collateral damage” was often included in the counts, creating incentives for commanders to create more collateral damage to juice their numbers. This idiot’s cheerleading for body counts is all kinds of fail.

    • Hogan

      They also reported body parts as bodies. (Someone kept track, and apparently some time in ’71 or ’72 we had killed every man, woman and child in North Vietnam.)

    • To this day:

      Airstrikes by France, other states, killed at least 33 Islamic State militants in Raqqa in past 3 days, monitor says – @Reuters

      I see body counts every day in my feed.

      • a mad cow

        I used to see body parts every day in my feed.

        But now, you know, it doesn’t bother me so much.

        • Well, yeah: it’s hard to be bothered by anything when the word “spongiform” is used to describe your brain.

      • JustRuss

        I’m sure those “Islamic State militants” were all wearing uniforms and dogtags to help “monitor” identify them as such.

        • so-in-so

          they use chip implants now.

    • efgoldman

      It’s also accepted that “collateral damage” was often included in the counts

      Weren’t the civilians at My Lai reported in the body count as hostiles?

  • New word: WAROTICA.

  • Randy

    I’m speechless. This reads like the libretto for an opera by Barry Stadler.

    • wjts

      I once tried to rewrite “The Ballad of the Green Berets” as a version of the Argonautica. I got as far as:

      “Fighting men of ancient Greece
      Who sailed to find the Golden Fleece.
      Was there trouble? You bet – a lot!
      For Jason and the Argonauts.”

      before I gave up.

      • Lee Rudolph

        Just to lighten it up a bit, I could donate that opera my music-hall turn (after Flanders and Swan) “Have Some Medea, M’Dear”.

        • Hogan

          OMG I actually get that. How should I feel about myself?

          • Origami Isopod

            Old.

            • Edit: skeevy joke deleted.

              • Origami Isopod

                Let me guess, “You’re only as old as the person you feel” or something like that?

                Man, we’re all a bunch of old farts in here.

                • Denverite

                  I almost threw my computer through the window this week when I googled myself to check something, and the Intellius page listed me in my 40s. I’M NOT IN MY 40S YET. NOT EVEN THIS MONTH. NOT EVEN THE EARLY PART OF NEXT MONTH.

                • Warren’s 9:29 captured the joke part with somewhat less skeeviness than I had.

                  Today’s been my day for proving Scalzi right about “cleverness.”

                • Hogan

                  You’re as young as you feel, and I’ve been dead for six weeks.

            • Hogan

              That’s fine then, ’cause I feel that way all the damn time.

              • Origami Isopod

                Join the club…

          • Warren Terra

            How should I feel about myself?

            You should feel about your person in whatever way you enjoy, but – and I can’t stress this strongly enough – please do it in private.

            • Hogan

              Gah, you sound just like my parents. And teachers. And supervisors. And several local police departments.

              • tsam

                And little miss restraining order across the street. Pfft.

        • wjts

          “Have Some Medea, M’Dear”

          Followed by a traditional rendition of “Euripides Pants, Eumenides Pants”?

  • kayden

    So why didn’t Schlicter’s fantasy play out in Iraq or Afghanistan during the Bush Presidency? Why wasn’t terrorism defeated completely and totally during his 8 years of warmongering? His fantasy is not appealing to sensible people who can think for themselves and know that the Bush wars (even the more justifiable Afghanistan adventure) were failures.

    Perhaps Schlicter can live out his fantasy and actually gather some Republican friends to go toe to toe against IS without President Muslim Kenya’s authorization. I’d go for that.

    • BiloSagdiyev

      So why didn’t Schlicter’s fantasy play out in Iraq or Afghanistan during the Bush Presidency? Why wasn’t terrorism defeated completely and totally during his 8 years of warmongering?

      Because libruhls. We are always to blame for not letting them have everything they want. Of course, throughout the 2000’s, they sure got a whole lot of what they want, and look how popular their party was by 2008…

      Perhaps Schlicter can live out his fantasy and actually gather some Republican friends to go toe to toe against IS without President Muslim Kenya’s authorization. I’d go for that.

      I hadn’t heard of this guy before today, and I googled, and didn’t find a wikipedia entry for him, so I guess he’s a nobody, but usually I figure out the age of said chickenhawk and start announcing all of the wars he failed to volunteer for, and point out the four years of college and maybe more school, yet not ROTC, no liberation of Grenada, no lying about his age or dropping out of school so he could get his hands around those commanists or jihadist’s throats.

      And I propose that they be dropped off with a canteen and a pointed stick in the desert and told to go forth and liberate the heathens…

      So, don’t know this guy, but I’m guessing… But I better not say any more, he might own a Kimber M1911A1.

      • brugroffil

        Per the article, he’s retired Army.

        • BiloSagdiyev

          Hmm, I ranover to Mangoton very quickly. Retired infantry colonel. This is most likely 20 years of active duty retired, but… call me a skeptic, there’s always Army Reserve, and retired early for disability, which can include psych conditions. But I don’t know, and won’t say any more, lest he shoot me with a Kimber M1911A1 .45.

          It would be neat if a Mumbai-style attack on a Houston mall was foiled by a Mexican day laborer with machete. Or by Machete.

          • tsam

            Suggested comment for the Kernul: DD-214 or GTFO.

          • brownian

            Colonel? Or just colon?

      • I have a Kimber M1911.

        It malfunctions roughly once ever 10-20 rounds. That’s after I sent it back to the factory to have it fixed.

        It’s very accurate, when it actually works. For what I paid for the thing I’m not very impressed.

        • tsam

          I think they used to only do match grade .45s and then moved into accurized mil-spec models that normal people can afford. For a 1911 style pistol, my old Colt M1991A1 was about as good as it gets–at least for a single-action only pistol, which I no longer have any interest in owning.

          • I only bought it because I thought I should have a 1911 in my collection.

            It looks nice and fits my hand well. Just unreliable as all get out.

            • rhino

              Isn’t the point of the 1911 that it’s reliable? How did they fuck that up?

              Personally I consider the Lee Enfield .303 the pinnacle of boom stick development, but it’s not especially discreet…

              • The actual military version was deliberately built with sloppy tolerances so that it would function even under rough conditions. They didn’t always shoot straight but they always shot.

                A lot of the civilian versions have been very finely machined for high accuracy, at the expense of reliability.

                It seems like you can have one or the other, but not both, with this design.

        • A friend just got a COLT 1911, for about US$800.00, & it is very nice, much nicer than the Kimber according to another friend who knows this stuff.

          Don’t know how reliable it is ‘though, he hadn’t even gotten any ammo when I saw it.

        • wengler

          My Dad has a Colt .45 (don’t know the model) pistol that jams up roughly every 15 rounds. It’s fun to shoot when it works, but I would hate to actually rely on it to save my life. And I’m certainly not going to walk around with the damn thing hoping for some sort of action movie scenario.

  • pianomover

    I’m not a religious person but I got on a plane and we had some really bad turbulence and the first thing I did was to start hating gay people.
    Dan Mintz

  • DrS

    Can anyone find the link to this guy’s stand-up comedy?

    • pianomover

      Spotify

      • DrS

        OMG, really?

        Holy shit. I saw a clip floating somewhere on the tweeter yesterday.

    • kayden

      He’s not funny though.

      • pianomover

        So you say.

  • Area Man

    …and the final body count was 26,763 ISIS fighters dead.

    I love how there’s a precise count of the number of bad guys dead from indiscriminate bombing of population centers.

    • tsam

      If they run, they’re ISIS. If they stand still, they’re well disciplined ISIS.

      • efgoldman

        If they run, they’re ISIS. If they stand still, they’re well disciplined ISIS.

        If she lives, she’s a witch. If she drowns, she’s innocent.

  • B. Peasant

    Kurt Schlichter

    Am I the only one who did a double-take at the name?

    • wjts

      I knew it sounded familiar, but I couldn’t quite place it.

      • efgoldman

        I knew it sounded familiar, but I couldn’t quite place it.

        First thing that came to my mind was the football player (from THE Ohio State?) who was a top draft choice, and went to the slam for gambling.
        (Art Schlichter)

        • Yup, me too. He was from (The) Ohio State (Univ.).

  • Falstaff

    HOLY Fuck is that some self-aggrandizing shite!

  • CSI

    Imagine if this strategy had been followed in occupied France in 1944… every town and city in northern France would have been burnt to the ground.

    • efgoldman

      Imagine if this strategy had been followed in occupied France in 1944… every town and city in northern France would have been burnt to the ground.

      And the Germans (being German) would have made a precise body count, declared victory, and gone home. D-Day would have been unnecessary.

      • tsam

        They still had Pearl Harbor to bomb. DUH

  • hylen

    And his love for the game of golf, the most macho game there is involving riding around in tiny carts and having other people carry your balls.

    I declare the internet over for today Wed.

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