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Experience the Heartbreak of Preschooler Caffeine Addiction

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Folks, you can give your preschoolers espresso* because you’re bored and in need of entertainment but nothing good will come of it. GREAT THINGS WILL COME OF IT.

*I do not give my son caffeine beverages; he doesn’t need them.

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  • LeeEsq

    I believe that in countries outside the United States, coffee is considered an acceptable thing for kids to drink.

    • Acceptable, perhaps. Advisable?

    • medrawt

      Both of my parents grew up (one in Puerto Rico, one in Portugal) drinking coffee – first a few drops of coffee in a glass of milk, and then adjusting over time until it was a real cafe con leche (or au lait or latte or Romance language of your choice). (The same with wine and water.)

      They didn’t do the same with me and I wound up never acquiring the taste for coffee (or wine, for that matter). It is, at least, one thing I haven’t wound up regretting in my life.

      • It’s never too late to start….

        • skate

          Tell me about it. I didn’t become a coffee fiend until 35 and a wine drinker until 50.

          Dad liked both, but Mom drank neither. Ergo there was little coffee and wine in the house when I was growing up.

        • njorl

          Having kids is a great motivator for developing a taste for coffee.

          • weirdnoise

            …and wine.

    • alex284

      My mother was forced (as she put it) to drink cafe con leche every day when she was a kid in Argentina. That’s 1/2 coffee, 1/2 milk in a tall glass. Because it’s healthy.

      But that was a while ago. When I was little (like 7) I asked my Argentine grandmother if I could have coffee and she said it would stunt my growth.

      And living in France now I don’t see parents giving kids coffee, although it’s not uncommon to see high school kids drinking it.

      Is there any actual science on caffeine and kids, though?

      • alex284

        A little googling turned up that caffeine is bad for kids because it’s bad for adults except that adults can cope better and tend to avoid letting caffeine ruin their sleep cycles. Also too maybe it inhibits calcium absorption but we’re not sure yet but it doesn’t stunt growth or lead to bed-wetting.

        Soooooo… maybe caffeine isn’t good for anyone?

        Not that that matters to me. These egghead scientists will have to pry my espresso from my cold, dead hands.

        • LeeEsq

          Caffeine like a lot of delicious narcotics probably isn’t good for humans.

        • dmsilev

          Not that that matters to me. These egghead scientists will have to pry my espresso from my cold, dead hands.

          The scientists I work with would gladly do so, but only because they want to drink the espresso themselves.

      • LeeEsq

        Another downside to Americanization. I think the stigma against kids drinking coffee might be disappearing in the United States but I’m only basing this on my friends from high school are raising their kids.

        • sparks

          It seems from observing my friend’s daughter with her friends, by the time they get to high school they’ll get coffee for themselves anyway and there isn’t much a parent can do outside smelling their breath for it. Kids do tend to favor those elaborate sweet drinks that cost a lot and look more like a parfait over drinking straight coffee.

          • LeeEsq

            I like my coffee in a two-thirds coffee, one-third milk combo with no or a little sugar. The parfait drinks are a bit too much for me. They don’t taste like coffee at all.

            • wjts

              I usually take mine with some half-and-half and on the sweeter side, but I also like it half coffee/half milk with no sugar.

  • Gregor Sansa

    Rock. On.

  • In the (animated) movie Hoodwinked, there’s a scene where they give a squirrel caffeine.

    I can only imagine that’s what a preschooler on caffeine would be like.

    • wjts
    • grouchomarxist

      Remember that episode of ST:TOS, the aliens who cranked up their metabolisms to the point where they disappeared from sight, and when they talked, all Kirk and the others could hear was a brief, faint, high-pitched whine like a mosquito’s? I imagine it would be something like that …

  • cpinva

    “*I do not give my son caffeine beverages; he doesn’t need them.”

    no pre-school male child needs them, that is a basic fact of human biology.

  • Malaclypse

    Mini-Mal and I have an understanding: we bike 20 miles, we split a coke/pepsi. At 30 miles, she gets one of her own. This bargain serves us well.

  • Aimai

    He is adorable. Ive never seen a video of the St. Vitus dance. Probably because it died out in the middle ages. Perhaps its making a comeback, like the measles..

    • efgoldman

      OT, but you get a snow blower yet?

      And no, no toddler or pre-schooler ever needs caffeine, for anything. It’s tough enough keeping up with them as it is.

      • Aimai

        Yeah we have a little one. But the worst of it isnt just the snow on the walkway–we have a small urban front to clear–but the edge of the druveway to the street. That gets 8 inches to a foot of packed snow every time the plows go by and it cant be blown clear. Theres no where to put it either.

        • efgoldman

          At least here in the wilds of suburban RI, we have front yards to park the piles. Still, this is getting very depressing and frustrating, and it’s only early February.
          (We lived in West Roxbury in ’78. Talk about no place to put it!)

          • c u n d gulag

            My driveway in Upstate NY is a sheet of ice, with mountains of snow on the sides.

            It almost makes me thing that global warming thing is a hoax.
            Almost…

            We have a guy come an do our driveway, because I can’t shovel anymore.
            And I just found a local handyman who’ll clean our porch and the steps.

            So, every time I hear there’s snow coming, I have to make sure we can pay these guys.
            It gets expensive.

            Sadly, I actually used to like to shovel snow. It was great exercise!

            • ChrisTS

              Our gravel drive looks like the surface of an ocean froze in mid-movement.

  • Downpuppy

    Fun, but once the spinning started we all knew how it would end.

    • njorl

      My daughter has no capacity for dizziness. She can spin enough to make a normal kid puke, then sprint away in a straight line. I think she might have a savant talent for balance (she’s also severely autistic). She’s 18 years old, very active and as far as we can tell, she has never tripped in her entire life.

      • muddy

        This is very interesting. My sister is autistic, and has this amazing balance and coordination as well. She likes to pour beverages as full as possible, and always perfects the maximum meniscus above the rim. And then she can take off at speed without spilling a drop of it. People have been know to gasp. She has a really fast reaction time as well.

  • c u n d gulag

    Think of all of that child’s therapy bills when he gets older, after he sees this video.

    Have you no shame?

    In my day, all we had to get therapy for was for a few shots of my bare naked ass on some photographers fake bear-rug.

    Now, if you were to take that same shot, I’m pretty sure the Fed’s will be knocking on your door, for kiddie p*rn!!!

  • Aimai

    Ot but not OT? A most beautiful little boy–a tiny little eight or nine year old boy, just came to my door to offer to shovel the snow. Oh my god the, serious, businesslike way we negotiated the price and the diligence with which he shoveled. .And then he came back up and explained to me earnestly, but politely, that he wondered if I had salt or anything because there were a few places that were icy and he “didn’t want me to slip.” And then he came back because he remebered he hadn’t hauled the enormous bag of snow back into the place where it was slumped on the side of my door. I am very happy with my two daughters but how adorable are little boys?

    • Lee Rudolph

      And then he came back because he remebered he hadn’t hauled the enormous bag of snow back into the place where it was slumped on the side of my door.

      So that’s what’s become of les neiges d’antan.

      • Aimai

        Sorry, that should have been “bag of salt.”

        • muddy

          You should try and get a longterm contract with that one. Just for the joy of having him come back. You could offer a “loyalty bonus”.

  • Hogan

    Jacques Offenbach grins down from heaven.

    Does your son give lessons?

    • It’s embarrassing enough that I can’t twerk. I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a preschooler teach me how.

  • jafd

    There’s a legendary thread
    (it seems to have dropped off their search engine, but it gets referred to at
    http://boardgamegeek.com/article/2681064#2681064 * )

    on “The Joys of Running a Game Store in a Mall”
    and the sign in that establishment

    “Unattended Children Will Be Given
    a Triple Espresso and a Free Puppy”

    *FLGS = Friendly Local Game Store

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