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The Doggerel Thread

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LGM frequenter and all-around great polar bear, N_B has suggested a doggerel thread. I love the idea. Write your corny, bad poetry here! Two rules:

1.) the poetry must be inspired by either wingnuts or wingnuttery in general and

2.) let’s keep Nantucket out of this.

Nantucket didn’t do anything to deserve an appearance  in a crap poem about Paul Ryan.

Thanks to Origami Isopod for this inspirational image:

 UPDATE: I’m pretty convinced Jon McNaughton is punking us now.

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  • Malaclypse

    Not doggerel, but: The difference between us and them… is that liberals don’t think children’s teddy bears should be giving paw jobs to cops, not even cops with angel wings made from what someone who has never seen an actual American flag might think an American flag looked like.

    • Malaclypse

      A haiku for Darren Wilson:

      Darren Wilson, cop
      Mike Brown, a scary black man
      Teddy Bear tug job

  • Lee Rudolph

    Wait. Is that the corpse of a star-spangled anteater over his shoulders? Or what?? Also, why is the little girl’s head a couple of sizes too small for her body?

    PS This is not a pome.

    • why is the little girl’s head a couple of sizes too small for her body?

      Future wingnut.

    • Mike G

      After viewing this I need to cleanse my artistic palate with the comparative subtlety and sophistication of a Thomas Kinkade gallery.

  • bemusedly

    At the height of the Terri Schiavo case, when every wingnut in the country was calling for Schiavo to be kept alive at all costs, I wrote a bad-on-purpose poem using the stupidest pseudonym I could think of, just to see if anyone would think it was real. Of course, some people did.

    POEM FOR TERRI

    I will never marry Terri,
    For she is already wed.
    But I’m hoping I can carry
    Her metal coffin when she’s dead,

    For to do so would please Jesus,
    He who gives us breath and life.
    He strives so very hard to please us!
    Though she cannot be my wife,

    We share a bond of Christian duty,
    One transcending space and time.
    No, I’ll never stroke her booty,
    And she’ll never read this rhyme,

    But in a year or two, or seven,
    When my time on Earth has passed,
    I’ll meet sweet Terri up in Heaven,
    And I’ll kiss her face at last.

    Copyright 2005 by Bibby Bibibbian. All rights reserved. This poem may be disseminated as long as it is not modified, and if I am given credit for its authorship. Praise Jesus Christ!

    • I laughed out loud at “stroke her booty.” I guess that makes me a bad person.

  • jim, some guy in iowa

    the city dark, no place for teddy
    policeman with buzzard wings
    the girl is safe, the law stands ready
    i know why the eagle sings

    • AlanInSF

      Looks to me like they’re together in post 9-11 heaven, and the cop is cashing the first of his promised 40 virgins. Them and us are not so different after all!

  • wca

    Has Stephen Colbert been lowered to the stage of the Colbert Report wearing a police uniform with hairy angel wings made of animal pelts dyed to vaguely resemble American flags?

    IF NOT, THEN WHY NOT?

  • bemusedly

    No, that just means I did my job correctly.

  • SP

    My starred and striped eagle wings may never grow out,
    ‘Cause a lying blogger says I have an orbital blowout.

  • KarenJo12

    If that picture isn’t conclusive documentary evidence of Poe’s Law, I don’t know what could be. That thing is sooooo terrible, it deserves deconstruction by a linguistics major writing her final essay in a pointless elective while very drunk two hours before it’s due. And there better be crumbs and liquor spills on the paper, too.

    • AstroBio

      So I had to look up Poe’s law but after reading Conservapedia I’m really confused. Is that parody?

      • Keaaukane

        And laser eyes! Lots of laser eyes!

      • KarenJo12

        I don’t think so, so probably not Poe, just complete dreck.

        • AstroBio

          :)

      • Matt

        Conservapedia has a fascinating troll problem involving Poe’s Law: the people getting banned for posting stuff too unhinged for the Schlaflys are 50% trolls trying too hard, and 50% actual wingnuts.

        See also their “Conservative Bible” project, which is a great example of this…

    • Have you seen the guy who did a painting of all the past presidents playing poker?

      • Malaclypse

        This tops that.

        • Warren Terra

          I love how hiss left hand isn’t occupied, but he’ll be damned if he’ll use it to grip the steering wheel.

          Also:
          * No pesky seatbelt
          * He stuck his head out the window to see (despite, you know, windshield), and punched his gun hand through the windshield to shoot. Backwards! It’s not like he’s gonna aim with precision by using his dominant hand, not shooting from his racing, bouncing car with his lacerated hand at an odd angle to his body.

          • Malaclypse

            The attention to detail is impressive. From the “these colors don’t run” license plate holder, to the “I [heart] Star Wars” and “My Other Car Is A Velociraptor” bumper stickers, the piece just screams out “fine art.”

            That said, his treatment of Clinton and FDR is even better.

        • tsam

          HAHA! MUSTANGS WERE CHEERLEADER CARS

        • JL

          Why is he firing that gun through a windshield hole shaped like Australia? Is that supposed to be significant?

          His FDR one is kinda weird too. And the JFK one is JFK riding a robot unicorn on the moon.

  • So the difference between us and them is that we don’t make awful, cheeseball art?

    EVERYBODY SHUT UP.

    • KarenJo12

      They claim to be defenders of the Good, The True, and The Beautiful, but inevitably go for stuff Thomas Kinkaide rejected as too cheesy. There are TONS of images of knights or heroes from the Renaissance through the middle of the 19th century they could have used here, or old Life Magazine photos, or Norman Rockwells that conveyed the same message, but no, they had to create something that reasonable people think is an insulting parody.

      • There are TONS of images of knights…they could have used

        I dunno. He’s riding a MLP escapee.

        • KarenJo12

          That is PERFECT.

        • Malaclypse

          There are TONS of images of knights…they could have used

          See here and here, for example.

      • Barry Freed

        There are TONS of images … that conveyed the same message,

        Please tell me what this message is.

        • KarenJo12

          Heroic Dude Being Heroic Around The Weak.

          • Malaclypse

            Heroic White Dude Being Heroic Around The Weak.

            You left out part of the text.

            • KarenJo12

              That makes all the difference to them.

            • so-in-so

              Heroic White Dude, innocent WHITE child. Let’s us know pretty clearly who “us” and “them” are, didn’t it.

        • Warren Terra

          Apparently, the message is “Not only do we love cheeseball sentimentalist schlock, we’re perfectly happy to rip off an image that venerated the rescue efforts of peace officers responding to an atrocious and murderous global crime, in order to venerate some robocop-wannabe who fired at an unarmed youth at least ten times”.

          • I am Darren Wilson!

            I have no idea what you’re talking about.

            • Warren Terra

              The image is crudely photoshopped from a cheesetastic-but-intended-to-honor-actual-heroes painting made in response to 9/11

              • I am Darren Wilson!

                So, they’re both honoring heroes.

                What’s the problem?

                • Malaclypse

                  Agreed. The teddy bears saved Christmas, but will libtard atheists admit it? Heroes, those bears are, the lot of them.

                • I am Darren Wilson!

                  Bears are bears.

                  White heroes are white heroes.

                  A is A.

                • Malaclypse

                  I cannot believe you are snubbing those heroic teddy bears. You’ve totally sold out defending the War Against Christmas. Bill O is gonna be mad.

                • MAJeff

                  Well done, me!

      • guthrie

        Don’t you pine for the days of chivalry, when the knight got the money for his lovely shiny armour from the work of his serfs on his property? How the positions of power were held by knights and those trained in arms, and anyone who objected got killed?

        • KarenJo12

          I don’t at all, but I think the people who would buy this nightmare do.

    • SatanicPanic

      I don’t know, my art is pretty cheeseball. It just doesn’t involve eagles or flags

      • My art is not without cheese. It’s gouda!

        • I’m sorry. I thought this was the bad puns thread. I see now it’s down the hall.

          • Whoops. Sorry, I thought this was the ancient jokes thread. Lemme try again.

          • Barry Freed

            I see now it’s down the hall.

            They moved your cheese!

          • Warren Terra

            Feta last time, you edam sure cheddar brie sorry.

            • Origami Isopod

              I found that joke rather stilton. Havarti any better ones?

        • cpinva

          “It’s gouda!”

          itsa goulda for you, not so much for me!

          “I see now it’s down the hall.”

          to the left, as always.

  • A policeman with hairy flag wings
    Helped a child get close to his thing.
    Her teddy looked ’round
    And said to the ground
    “I know why the stuffed, jailed bird sings.”

  • Downpuppy

    The difference twixt us and them
    Is that we never haw and hem
    About who’s who and which is which
    Just charge forth! Drat, I have a stitch
    Time to take a Cheetos® break
    And figure where to put the snake.

  • wca

    Out of the frame, there’s another cop yelling “She’s resisting! She’s resisting!” and pulling out a taser.

  • Todd

    Ode on a Rand-ian Turn:

    A city on a hill that shines less brightly
    A culture that aspires to Holly Golightly
    But Lo!, upon doom’s parapet, a Knight
    Appears, for us and ours to fight
    And husband the land to go forth rightly

  • RPorrofatto

    Support Officer Darren Wilson shared Rick Berns’s photo.

    Holy crap, that’s a photograph? Where was it taken? Are those wings or the mouth pincers of a giant arthropod? Should we be alarmed? Did the little girl get eaten, too?

  • rea

    Let me now to the marriage of true minds
    Admit impediments. Love is not love
    Which someone like me icky finds,
    And bends with the remover to remove . . .

  • Malaclypse

    A cop and Jill went up a hill
    To plus some urban thugs
    The cop fell down
    And broke his crown
    And now Jim Hoft is a credible source.

  • Grumpy

    This is just one poorly-drawn photoshop image. How can I tell “the difference” between two things (“us” and “them”) based on an image of just one of those things (“us,” I presume)?

    Right now I’m picturing the other image–wraithlike batwings hovering over Prince as he shreds out an unbelievable solo–and I think my image comes out on top.

    • It’s meta-commentary. “They” don’t p-shop crap like this and that’s the difference.

    • SP

      “They” forget what happened on 9/11, “We” will never forget because we’ll include the twin towers in every photoshop from now until the end of time.

      • Barry Freed

        Yeah, I saw this before elsewhere and it was too small to make out but now I can see the Twin Towers behind the cop’s right wing (heh). This from people who hate NYC and everything that makes it great and who would be too terrified to actually come here for a visit.

      • Not enough crying from that eagle.

    • KarenJo12

      always appropriate image.

      Adding Cthulus to that picture would be awesome.

    • NonyNony

      Look there are two things in the picture.

      One is the evil-looking demon cop that has ripped up the American flag to turn it into hairy insect wings.

      The other is the little girl terrified of the evil demon cop that has clearly come to devour her and her teddy bear.

      I can’t imagine any true patriot would identify with someone that would desecrate an American flag that way, so I have to assume that “them” are the cops and the “us” is represented by the child. This picture is saying that cops are un-American demons that will kill your innocent children.

      I mean nobody could see it as supporting cops right? Why would you attach those horrible hairy wings to the cop’s back if you didn’t want to depict him as a demonic Satan-spawn that is masquerading as a “trusted authority figure”?

      (Why does the cop have furry wings? I understand the American flag motif, but why fur? Is this just “making feathers in photoshop is hard and fur is easier”?)

      • tsam

        Um, those are HORSE FEATHERS, mkay?

        Also, why you gotta be down on furries? They’re people too, ya know. Well, pretending to be animals, but underneath all that freakiness is a person, k?

  • paulgottlieb

    Here’s a piece of advice kids: No limerick that involves the Duke of Buckingham has ever ended well. Trust me, I know.

    • That sounds like a challenge.

      • The Duke of Buckingham said
        “I’ll lie down, having made it my bed.
        My name sounds absurd
        Too close to a word
        That echoes in some people’s heads.”

        • rea

          Lèse-majesté:

          King James gave the Duke of Buckingham
          A title, for properly fucking him
          Anne claims he’s not queer
          Despite that musketeer
          And Charles denies that he’s sucking him

  • Richard Hershberger

    “2.) let’s keep Nantucket out of this.

    Nantucket didn’t do anything to deserve an appearance in a crap poem about Paul Ryan.”

    I note that there is a small island just off Nantucket named “Tuckernuck.” The only flaw is that the possibilities are too obvious. Should any be concerned that Tuckernuck doesn’t deserve the treatment, keep in mind that it is privately owned as a collective for rich people’s summer houses.

  • wca

    The way a cop
    Shook down my bear
    With fleas on top
    From his wings of hair

    Has given my nose
    A smell quite rude
    Dyed dead dogs, those
    Just ruin my mood.

  • libarbarian

    This isn’t poetry, but I’d like to share an idea for an ALS Ice Bucket Challenge parody video I had.

    Scene Opens with a man in a police uniform dead center screen.

    Officer: “Hi. I’m Officer Darren Wilson of the Ferguson Police Department here to do the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. I’d like to nominate Officer James Smith, Officer John Doe, and Officer Jane Roe. Ok. Let’s do this” [tenses up]

    *Camera pulls back to reveal a Black Man standing off to the side holding a bucket. Black man takes a step towards the officer. Officer wheels to face him, unholsters his pistol, and fires a bunch of shots at the Black Man. Black Man falls over dead.*

    *Officer turns to face the camera*

    Officer: “Hey, You saw how he charged me with that weapon. I was in fear of my life and had to protect myself. That was totally a justified shooting.” [winks at camera].

    End Scene.

  • Fats Durston

    I know I saw an angel
    When the towers twain fell
    And them should all be slain well
    While us with all our pray’n’ kvell.

    Now Ferguson was not racial
    And Thug Brown was not special
    You think justice glacial?
    Just let me apply this facial.

  • Nobdy

    The Great Paul Ryan
    Is always tryin’
    To give those darned poors a fair shake.

    He tells them work harder
    You’ll fill up your larder
    Got no bread? You can eat cake.

    The poors never listen
    ‘Cause Barry’s been kissin’
    Their butts and giving them stuff

    So the great Paul Ryan
    He’s just left sighin’
    Saying “Screw tough love, let’s just get tough.”

  • KarenJo12

    Cracked.com on cops

    A website devoted to lists of penis jokes thinks the cops have gone too far.

    • Origami Isopod

      Appallingly they also ran this.

  • Thrax

    The Washington Post recently ran a contest along these lines for intentionally terrible poetry. http://www.washingtonpost.com/entertainment/style-invitational-week-1084-fi–fo—goits-limerixicon-xi/2014/08/07/11ed26ac-1c0e-11e4-ab7b-696c295ddfd1_story.html

    A few entries I sent in:

    The bureaucrats at the IRS are as bad as Mussolinis;
    Because they wouldn’t give me tax-exempt status, they are big meanies.
    They said my social-welfare group was a joke,
    Just because it was dedicated to the greater glory of Charles and David Koch!
    They probably threw my papers in the trash with laughs that were hearty!
    I only wanted to serve some poor people a tea party.

    When the American electorate went to the polls in 2012,
    They decided moralty and decency and good sense to shelve.
    They could have voted for that nice man Mitt Romney;
    Instead, they reelected Obama, who as president is a total bomb; he
    Lacks Mitt’s wisdom and goodness. Mitt is much greater!
    Obama’s house doesn’t even have a car elevator.
    In foreign policy, Mitt would have eaten the bad guys’ lunch!
    We all know his panties never would have been in a bunch.

    I think Hobby Lobby employees
    Act like a total skeeze.
    They want the company to pay for birth control pills,
    Even though Hobby Lobby’s owners don’t think that’s what God wills.
    But that didn’t last long once the courts gave that idea a sniff. The
    Supreme Court said it would violate RFRA
    To make the Greens pay for contraceptives. Neato!
    Those gals can just take cold showers or hang out with Justice Alito.

  • RPorrofatto

    I think Trayvon had it coming,
    The case was open and shut,
    And Brown attacked that cop,
    His cause of death’s clear cut,
    When it comes to this racial stuff,
    I know how to say what’s what,
    I just begin these tirades
    With “I’m not a racist, but…”

  • guthrie

    What the picture actually says is that only those too week to protect themselves get any protection. ONce you’re an adult, forget it.

    Well, it would be nice if I were joking, but nowadays I find such images irritating. Don’t adults need protection too? Isn’t that why we have a police force, rather than vigilante ‘justice’?

  • Matt

    So “the difference between us and them” is that “us” fetishizes law enforcement to the point of idolatry?

    Actually, that’s a pretty good one to explain wingnutz vs. sane persons…

  • FridayNext

    You can talk of tanks and guns,
    when your stationed Ferguson,
    An yer sent on SWAT team raids on petty clockers,
    But when it comes to tazin’, the testosterone’s amazin’,
    As we choke the life and breath from loosie hawkers,

    Now in Missouri’s sunny clime,
    Where we used to spend our time,
    Serving the white people in town,
    Of all the black faced clowns,
    the deadliest around,
    Was the weed enraged jay walkin’ Michael Brown

    The color skin he wore,
    meant slavery afore,
    But now just warrants, beats, and jail,
    For the crime of walking black,
    all while talking back,
    Got college boy some well earned leaded hail

    When the rotting body lay,
    On view that swelter day,
    Where the heat could force the August dead to sweat,
    They shouted “nevermore,”
    ’til their throats were red and sore,
    And they marched against another thug’s just death

    They stop and raise their hands,
    Yell “don’t shoot” and take their stands,
    With no heedin’ what police have got to say.

    If they march or sing or strut,
    You can bet your fucking nut,
    Tear gas’ll flow like spice, cuz we don’t play.
    With our armor on our backs,
    We’ll snipe from atop our tanks,
    And arrest those who record what happened here today.

    And cuz of their dirty hide,
    They all deserve to die,
    ’til they learn to respect police authoritah.

    • KarenJo12

      This is brilliant.

  • Malaclypse

    Re the update: never underestimate the power of Mormons to create incredibly bad art, which other Mormons will actually proudly display in their living rooms.

    Seriously, if you are ever in Salt Lake City, go here (or at least click the link and look at all the pictures – they won’t disappoint), and consider the fact that Temple Square is the Mormon version of Vatican City. This is their fine art. McNaughton isn’t a punk, he’s playing to his base.

    Also, lest I trip the link-police, let me just say – Stripling Warriors.

    • KmCO

      So much of Mormon culture (from my vantage point as a non-Mormon outsider) has an unmistakable flavor of what I will generously call kitschy. I don’t understand if this is a product of the (until recently) insularity of LDS communities, the rather overwhelming whiteness of LDS culture in America, an aversion to creating art that truly challenges anyone’s perceptions or expectations, or something about LDS culture that I’m missing.

      • KarenJo12

        I’m also an outsider, and my impression from years of having Mormon next door neighbors is that they are aliens who found a stash of Coronet Instructional Films and used those as model for living on Earth. They added Jello cookbooks later.

      • Malaclypse

        My impression is that it is more about rural culture than anything specific to LDS. This stuff is not all that much more over-wrought than stuff you would find in some County Fair. The difference is that the Mormons love their centralization and standardization, so rather than just have unique kitsch, with some certain charm, they all have this and this.

        • KmCO

          Well, there’s kitsch, and then there’s kitsch + jello molds. And to echo Karen’s point above, anyone whose first response to jello molds is not screaming and running in the opposite direction is someone I’m not sure is of this earth.

    • Four Krustys

      This is another fine example of Mormon kitsch, also in downtown SLC: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gilgal_Sculpture_Garden

      Joseph Smith as a sphinx! My enjoyment of both is somewhat dulled by seeing people genuinely moved by the art… I’m a snarky asshole, but even I have my limits.

    • CD

      The link to LIBERALISM IS A DISEASE is broken so I found it for you!

      http://jonmcnaughton.com/content/ZoomDetailPages/LiberalismIsADisease.html

      Bless his heart, he thinks it’s satire.

  • mds

    Darren Wilson, the butcher who’ll get away with it,
    Has supporters who are monstrous racist piles of shit.
    His flag wings of fur
    Are a non sequitur,
    Just like ending this poem with the Duke of Buckingham.

  • The Temporary Name

    The Jaywalker walked
    As a Jaywalker would
    All full of bad
    And none full of good

    He looked to his left
    Where a crosswalk was painted
    And pedestrians walked
    Noble and sainted

    He looked to his right
    At the lights down the street
    Where brave citizens waited
    Their turn to use feet

    Then the Jaywalker sneered
    And he raised up his leg
    For to Jaywalk, but just then
    He heard someone beg

    “Please don’t!” ‘Twas a moppet
    No older than three
    Who thought a great crime
    Could be stopped with a plea

    “Is this what our forefathers
    Fought for and died?
    For streets to be crossed
    Anywhere, any side?”

    The Jaywalker laughed
    And the Jaywalker cackled
    Some loose pebbles there
    Under his foot scraped and crackled

    As he soiled the pavement
    With evil and spite
    He loved what was wrong
    And not what was right

    The heavens screamed out
    As he walked and he trod
    In a place that no men walk
    Either barefoot or shod

    Passers-by gasped
    And ladyfolks swooned
    As virginal pavement
    Was there that day ruined

    “Stop him!” said a grandma
    Shielding grandchildrens’ eyes
    “We can’t!” said some lumberjacks
    Despite their great size

    “It’s forbidden to cross
    Where that Jaywalker crossed!
    If we were to follow
    We’d surely be lost!”

    And so evil footfalls
    Were heard far and wide
    As the Jaywalker laughed
    And the citizens cried

    Et cetera. Gotta go. Please continue.

    • CD

      So Officer Wilson
      Unholstered his weapon
      Saying this is the last
      City street that you’ll step in.

  • Peterr

    Once upon a midnight dreary, while I Twittered, weak and weary,
    Over many a quaint and curious volume of Ann Rand lore,
    While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
    As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my basement door.
    `’Tis only my mother,’ I muttered, `tapping at my basement door –
    Only this, and nothing more.’

    Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December;
    And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
    Eagerly I wished the morrow;—vainly I had sought to borrow
    From my books surcease of sorrow—sorrow o’er that jerk Al Gore—
    O’er the vile and vicious liar whom the godless name Al Gore—
    Nameless here for evermore.

    Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
    Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
    But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
    And the only words there spoken were the whispered words, “Al Gore?”
    This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the words, “Al Gore!”—
    Merely this and nothing more.

    Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
    Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
    “Surely,” said I, “surely that is something at my window lattice;
    Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore—
    Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;—
    ’Tis the wind and nothing more!”

    Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
    In there stepped a stately Eagle of the saintly days of yore.
    Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
    But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my basement door –
    Perched upon a bust of Reagan, just above my basement door –
    Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

    Then this white-capped bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
    By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
    `Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,’ I said, `art sure no craven.
    Ghastly grim and ancient Eagle wandering from the nightly shore –
    Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!’
    Quoth the Eagle, `Nevermore.’

    But the Eagle, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only,
    That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
    Nothing further then he uttered – not a feather then he fluttered –
    Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have flown before –
    On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.’
    Then the bird said, `Nevermore.’

    Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
    Swung by democrats whose foot-falls tinkled on the shag-rug floor.
    `Wretch,’ I cried, `Pelosi lent thee – by these angels she has sent thee
    Respite – respite and nepenthe from thy hatred of Al Gore!
    Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this wretch, Al Gore!’
    Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

    `Prophet!’ said I, `thing of evil! – prophet still, if bird or devil! –
    Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
    Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted –
    On this home by horror haunted – tell me truly, I implore –
    Is there – is there balm in Gilead? – tell me – tell me, I implore!’
    Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

    `Prophet!’ said I, `thing of evil! prophet still, if bird or devil!
    By that Heaven that bends above us – by that God we both adore –
    Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
    It shall slay a craven liar whom the godless name Al Gore –
    Slay a vile and vicious liar, whom the godless name Al Gore?’
    Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

    `Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!’ I shrieked upstarting –
    `Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore!
    Leave no white plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
    Leave my loneliness unbroken! – quit the bust above my door!
    Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!’
    Quoth the Eagle, `Nevermore.’

    And the Eagle, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
    On the pallid bust of Reagan just above my basement door;
    And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
    And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
    And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
    Shall be lifted – nevermore!

    (With many apologies to EA Poe)

    • KarenJo12

      Again, brilliant. And from what I’ve read about Poe, he would approve.

  • Robert M.

    So I was going to write something, and then I was arrested (heh) by that godawful piece of… whatever that is. (And, because I’m fixated on it, where the hell is that supposed to be? Because Twin Towers, natch, but why is the 2000-era NYC skyline foregrounded by a set piece from The Road?)

    But what really gets me is stomach-turning juxtaposition of that tagline with this context. “The difference between us and them”, as far as I can tell, can only be that the police shelter “our” kids but shoot “their” kids six times and then let their corpses cook in the street. Is that really something Darren Wilson’s supporters want to underscore?

    • sibusisodan

      My considered thought on that image is ‘what kind of idiot gets so distracted by a teddy bear as to leave his radio open to being swiped by a passing eagle?’

  • Warren Terra

    OFFICER DARREN WILSON
    I will not yield,
    To state my grounds for Michael Brown’s death,
    Nor will I listen to the rabble’s curses.
    Though Eric Holder be come to Ferguson
    And thou opposed, being loved by Fox,
    Yet I will try the last. Before my body
    I cast my tear gas bomb. Lay on, MacGruff,
    And damn’d be him that first cries, ‘Hold, enough!’

    • Malaclypse

      Exeunt, applauding.

      • KarenJo12

        The Bear also applauds

  • AlanInSF

    It’s really hard to write a good poem without the use of “Nantucket.” Can we use “Norfolk” at least?

  • Jim Harrison

    Though it’s proving a difficult sell,
    Reagan’s trying to privatize Hell.
    Every bankrupt corporation
    Once found in our nation
    Is lobbying Satan as well.

  • KmCO

    I’m pretty sure I know when I’m outclassed, so I will just sit back and enjoy the poetic shenanigans herein. I also know when words will not suffice to convey my reactions to certain stimuli, such as the image ‘spence links to in the OP. Is it sincere? Even if the artist didn’t intend it to be, there are enough people out there who will look at it and think that the life of a black child is worth the faux sense of security and in-group superiority that the image evokes.

  • If that’s “us” I’d really hate to see what “them” looks like.

    • KmCO

      From the image, it’s made clear that “they” are blindingly white, fearful of “the city,” and arrested in a child-like state of viewing authority figures as godheads. An alternative explanation is that they regard law enforcers as having avian qualities.

  • libarbarian

    Look at the Tea Partiers
    Next to You!
    Are they REALLY
    Tea Partiers
    Or are Some
    Just Pretending?

  • U.S. House . . .
    Voted down in a D.C. town
    The first kick I took was when I hit the ground
    You end up like a dog that’s been beat too much
    Till you spend half your life just covering up

    Democrat in the U.S. House, I’m just a Democrat in the U.S House.
    I’m just a Democrat in the U.S. House, Democrat in the U.S. House.

    Got in a little debt ceiling jam
    They put a pea shooter in my hand
    Sent me off to a congress land
    To go fight the tea bag man

    Democrat in the
    Come back home to the Dem infirmary
    And Nancy said son if it was up to me
    Went down to see the President man
    He said son, don’t you understand

    I had friends who were congressmen
    Fighting off the Tea Party con men
    The cons are now here, and my friends are gone

    Down in the shadow of the damn congress
    Listening to gasbags of the beltway press
    I’m ten years burning down this road
    Nowhere to run aint got nowhere to go

    Democrat in the U.S. House, I’m just a Democrat in the U.S. House.
    Democrat in the U.S. House, I’m just a losing vote in the U.S. House.
    Democrat in the U.S. House, I have a vote in the U.S. House
    Just another battered spouse in the U.S. House.

  • MC CRAZY BREAD “9-9-9 is a Joke”

    Hit me
    Going going gone
    Now I proposed 999 a long time ago
    Don’t you see how now they’re reactin’
    They only come and they come when I poll well
    I’ll get the right sound bite to sell well
    I don’t care ’cause I stay paid anyway
    I’ll teach ya like an ace that can’t be betrayed
    I know I stumble with no use people
    If your life is on the line, don’t care if you’re dead today
    I’ma late coming man with the late coming plan to getcha
    It’s a body bag in disguise y’all betcha
    I call it body snatchers quick they come to fetch ya?
    With a bankruptcy suit just to dissect ya
    We are the kings ’cause we swing low taxation
    Lose your arms, your legs to us it’s the enterprise system
    I can prove it to you just watch the juxtaposition
    It all adds up to a funky situation
    So get up get, get get down
    999 is a joke in yo town
    Get up, get, get, get down
    Late 999 wears the late crown

    999 is a joke

    Everyone knows the math don’t never come correct
    You can ask my man right here with the pocket protect
    He’s a witness to the job never adding up
    He would’ve been in full in 999 and some
    It’s a joke ’cause we always jokin’
    I’m the token to your life when it’s croakin’
    You’ll need to be in a pawn shop on a
    999 is a joke but we want ‘em
    If I have my way the poverty will come quicker
    The bankers huddle up and call a flea flicker
    The reason that I say that ’cause they
    Flick you off like fleas
    They be laughin’ at ya while you’re crawlin’ on your knees
    And to the strength so go the length
    Thinkin’ you are first when you really are tenth
    I hope you don’t wake up and smell the real flavor
    Cause 999 is a fake life saver
    So get up, get, get get down
    999 is a joke in yo town
    Get up, get, get, get down
    Late 999 wears the late crown
    Ow, ow 999 is a joke

  • bemusedly

    There once was a wingnut named Treacher,
    Full of shit as a megachurch preacher.
    He’d say “Frenchmen are frogs,
    B. Soweto ate dogs,
    And when Hillary wins, we’ll impeach ‘er.”

  • Malaclypse

    you don’t know how it felt to be in the womb but it must have been at least a little warmer than your gun.

    you don’t know how intimately they’re recording your every move on Cops until you see your face reflected back at you through through the pulp.

    you don’t know how precious your iphone battery time was until you’re hiding from Geraldo.

    you don’t know how to get away from the fucking cameras.

    you don’t know how things could change so incredibly fast.

    you don’t even care to know how to explain yourself.

    you don’t know how claustrophobic your house is until you can’t leave it.

    you don’t know why Amanda Fucking Palmer won’t make it all about her this time.

    you don’t know the way to new york.

    you don’t know the way to new york.

    you don’t know the way to new york.

    you don’t know the way to new york.

  • UserGoogol

    I’m not particularly fond of making fun of wingnuts for being dumb, but I am quite fond of taking clear instructions and interpreting them in passive aggressive ways.

    There once was a man from Martha’s Vineyard
    Whose anger was not directed inward
    In addition he was quite smelly
    Which is irrelevant to the premise, but I tell ye
    Because generally others preferred to stay windward.

  • tsam

    You guys shouldn’t be making fun of those paintings. The website says “fine art” right in the name.

    • LOL

    • Fine? More like throw-in-prison art.

    • tsam

      I feel like these paintings would make excellent urinal cakes.

      • Warren Terra

        Can you believe, I can’t readily find a print-on-demand urinal cake supplier over the internet? But you can get a print-on-demand temporary tattoo, and apply it to a white cake …

        • tsam

          You can get gun targets with Obama’s face on them–WHY CAN’T I GET URINAL CAKES WITH TERRIBLE ART ON THEM???

  • steverinoCT

    In the distant AOL-haunted past, email forwards like this were common. Here’s my contribution, poorly-scansioned rhyming couplets and the obligatory “what will happen if you don’t pass this on”:

    Read this all the way through!!! It will make you
    feel good about yourself!!!
    =================

    A Tale To Warm Your Cockles

    Betty and I knew it right from the start
    That she and I were meant to be heart-to-heart.

    All throughout high school we both lived as one
    Together forever, we played in the sun.

    Then I went to college, and Betty stayed home,
    “Go get your diploma, we’ll talk on the phone.”

    She stood there as I got on that plane in the night
    And watched it as it flew away out of sight.

    We phoned, and we wrote, played the long-distance game
    But each of us knew that it wasn’t the same.

    When I stayed back East to get my law degree,
    She said, “I want my freedom. So I set you free.”

    I was crushed to lose Betty, the love of my life,
    But I finished my school, and found another wife.

    I got a divorce, I guess she wasn’t my love,
    And I prayed to that Being that dwells up above.

    We had lost touch for years, my Betty and I,
    When I found her again through the alumni.

    She was living in the city, in a place not so nice
    Her second husband had just got busted for vice.

    I drove out to surprise her, and saw her standing there
    On the curb at the bus stop, a face of despair.

    She had a new baby, and another on her hip,
    And a toddler was pulling away from her grip.

    She still was a beauty, and my heart filled with joy
    At what I could give her, her long-lost boy.

    She knew me at once when she saw me pull up,
    And her face filled with wonder, as wine fills a cup.

    My expensive suit, my Mercedes-Benz
    Impressed her, when she still couldn’t meet ends.

    When I rolled down the window and pushed the door ajar,
    She brightened with hope, and she stepped to the car.

    “You had your chance, bitch!” and then I left her ass,
    Just like she left mine. I stomped on the gas

    And she stood there as I slammed the door in the night
    And watched me as I drove away out of sight.

    ===
    ===
    ===
    I hope this made you feel better! Forward this to ten friends right away!

    Joe was reading this on his Blackberry, and he got hit by a bus.

    Mary got fired for reading this personal mail at work.

    Beth won the lottery, and pays someone else to read emails like this.

    Frank forwarded this to ten friends, and got cut off by his ISP for spamming.

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