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My Innocence Has Been Permanently Shattered

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You know, I said this would happen after baseball left Brooklyn and the only fans who have ever cared about a team ever. They didn’t believe me. But, first Barry Bonds broke…well, not “rules” exactly, but something even worse, records that should belong by birthright to boomer icons. The next step was inevitable — actual rule-breaking:

The pictures from Fenway Park Wednesday night were embarrassing for the New York Yankees: pitcher Michael Pineda with pine tar slathered on his neck and manager Joe Girardi, looking as irked and hapless as a man trying to untangle the Christmas lights, losing a wrestling match with a small remote-controlled camera. “Just a bump in the road,” was how Girardi, blinking into the camera lights, tried desperately to close the book on the poor judgment of the man now forever known as Michael Pine-tar. Try telling Tim Leary, Jay Howell or Joel Peralta how these notorious mound busts are nothing but bumps in the road. It’s easier to get a pine tar stain out of a polyester uniform than it is your career resume.

Heavens to besty! A baseball player breaking the rules to get an edge! Michael how could you!

The question now is how long Pineda should be suspended for. Precedent would seem to suggest 10 or 15 games. But remember — there is now photographic evidence that Pineda is guilty of multiple offenses. Clearly, this violation of MLB’s Equal Sovereign Integritude cannot stand; at a minimum, Pineda should get 162 games. During this period, he should be forced to rehab in a training program designed and supervised by Jesus Montero.

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