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Christian Motivational Speaker Motivates Me to Bang My Head Against My Desk Repeatedly

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Last night I was reading my twitter feed and kept seeing a picture of an impossibly dorky-looking guy and the hashtag #lookadouche. Now that I’m a rich, famous blogger, I’m obliged to bring my readers the latest  twitter-based news. So I unleashed the intrepid reporter inside of me and used my finger to continue scrolling down my twitter feed. And I found out who the mystery douche was.

Justin Lookadoo, aside from being both a known anagram and a white-tipped man-bird, is also a “Christian motivational speaker.” He’s also published a book called “Dateable.” In “Dateable,” you can find sage advice like this:

 

  • Dateable girls know how to shut up. They don’t monopolize the conversation. They don’t tell everyone everything about themselves. They save some for later. They listen more than they gab.

I’m pretty sure I’ve never gabbed in my life, because I’m not a blue-collar working girl in a movie from 1931, so I’m actually ok with this.

Go on, Justin. Some advice for da boyz?

  • Dateable guys aren’t tamed. They don’t live by the rules of the opposite sex. They fight battles, conquer lands, and stand up for the oppressed.

GREAT ADVICE. Guys should totally fight battles. I see guys fighting battles all the time: making tough-guy threats on twitter, trolling feminists, telling people on YouTube they’re fat or gay. This gets me hot. I see that and I think “Hey, I wanna date BiebsisaFag89. I bet he stands up for the oppressed.”

And also, guys should totally conquer lands. Lands like the land that goes from your bed to your computer desk. Or the land in that one comic book store. Go conquer that land, warrior men!!

So, anyway. This guy was hired to speak to a group of high schoolers. High schoolers. I don’t even.

The good news is that apparently, the students vetted this Grade F mark-down bin Big Lots-grade Mark Walberg better than the school’s administrators did…hence, #lookadouche.

Wow. Only in Texas. OK, maybe Florida.

 

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