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Jesus Christ, What A Pathetic Operation Tucker Carlson Is Running

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You may remember Mark Judge from various columns in which racism and utter asininity fight to a standstill in a battle the reader inevitably loses. In today’s column, Judge argues that Obama lacks courage, discipline, self-reliance, industry, and resolution, and is therefore the “first female president.”  Because, of course, it is impossible to imagine a woman having any of these qualities.  (As a bonus, he calls abortion “the most anti-woman act imaginable” because women like being coerced to carry pregnancies to term almost as much they hate the 19th Amendment amirite ladies?) But don’t let this egregiously idiotic sexism blind you to the fact that he’s also applying his usual racist stereotypes to Obama as well.

In other words, exactly the kind of writer you’d expect Tucker Carlson to publish.

this race-baiting is also classic Tucker.

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  • Doesn’t this follow on the Tucker Carlson exclusive that Wonkette linked charging that “thousands” of teachers are really straight up whores, shopping for sugar daddies on some online site? So it must follow that they will never be satisfied with the love of their snotty nosed charges–the kids I mean–and those fresh apples that are all the parents are able to afford so why let them unionize and have living wages? Can’t everyone get a koch sugar daddy when they need one?

    • Heck, I’m mostly just angry none of my coworkers hooked (heh) me up. But then I teach private school.

      • joe from Lowell

        So, Sister, do those cankles go all the way up?

        Why, yes. Yes, they do.

        • Oh, most of us are lay people.

          Which, now that I see that typed out, makes you wonder why we didn’t know this was happening.

          • joe from Lowell

            Oh, most of us are lay people.

            Yeah, but once you go through the sacrament, that’s all over.

            Oh, well. At least you can file your taxes jointly.

    • JMP

      I don’t know about you, but I always take self-serving promotional press releases from sleezy websites at face value, their data is surely unimpeachable.

  • MAJeff

    They also want you to know that that Obama’s got a BLACK dog and have never had a white one:

    http://dailycaller.com/2013/08/19/the-obamas-got-a-new-puppy-everyone/

    • john not mccain

      but a dog’s owner is sometimes called its master. if he had a white dog it would just prove he wants to enslave whitey. unless they mean white dog in the sam fuller sense. which would not surprise me at all.

      • MAJeff

        I guess I should be happy with my “biracial” tuxedo cat…or maybe mongrelization is wrong?

        • Uncle Kvetch

          I guess I should be happy with my “biracial” tuxedo cat

          Shirley you mean “Halfrican.” Since we’re in wingnut world and everything.

          • MAJeff

            But she’s from Rhode Island.

            • rea

              Where all the Reds live . . .

              • efgoldman

                Zing!

            • efgoldman

              But she’s from Rhode Island.

              Did you stop here as you were fleeing the People’s Republic?

              • MAJeff

                Lived there for a year.

            • Warren Terra

              You mean, Rhode Island and Plymouth Plantations? Surely there’s an aggrieved-white-people angle to be had in the censoring of the Plantations.

              • joe from Lowell

                Providence Plantations.

                • From what I understand, the “Providence Plantations” part of the state was the more anti-slavery part, the “Rhode Island” part was where the slave traders lived and sailed from. Apparently, every once in a while there’s a resolution to get rid of the “and Providence Plantations” from the official name, but it hasn’t succeeded.

                • Warren Terra

                  I regret the slip in memory.

                  I was aware that the “plantations” of Rhode Island were not the slave-abuse-factories the word “plantation” conjures up for Americans today – but I have seen wingers outraged that this noble part of Rhode Island’s history gets slighted, by which they really mean they want an excuse to use the word “plantations” a lot, just like they’d greatly enjoy more social license to use the N word.

        • Anonymous

          Black-and-white tuxedo cats are the only true tuxedo cats. According to my cat.

      • OldBean

        After reading that article, I need some white dog in the whiskey sense.

        (Just kidding, I didn’t read that crap and white dog is a total rip-off)

    • sharculese

      It must suck having to choose from the range of dogs that are hypoallergenic.

      Like seriously, the idea of never having a big ol’ sloppy lab shedding all over the place and generally being an idiot depresses me.

      • MAJeff

        just as long as it’s not a BLACK lab.

        • Pseudonym

          A chocolate lab is unfortunately not akin to a meth lab.

    • ADHDJ

      Big-Legged Women: Do They Have Souls? The answer may surprise you!

    • John Protevi

      THE COLOR IS NOT IMPORTANT. THESE ARE WATER DOGS. THEY ARE MADE OF WATER SO THEY CAN HIDE IN YOUR BATHTUB. PLUS SINCE THEY ARE WATER DOGS THEY CAN NAVIGATE THE SEWERS AND COME UP THROUGH YOUR TOILET.

      I AM NOT A CRACKPOT.

      • efgoldman

        I AM NOT A CRACKPOT.

        No, no you’re not.
        And neither is NewsMax.

  • Warren Terra

    I am disappointed that so many people seem to be giving The Daily Tncker clicks. Remember, they get paid when you point and laugh. Imagine no Tncker, it’s easy if you try – and, really, impact-wise, it’s fairly accurate, too.

    • JKTHs

      I was just gonna give Scott some bonus points for not actually linking to the article in the post.

      • Warren Terra

        That’s good, but I was surprised that not only Scott but the first two commenters seemed conversant with the Tncker‘s output (especially the second comment; the first comment was about something about the Tncker).

        • Eh. I read it at Wonkette–of course I didn’t click the link!

    • Warren Terra

      By the by: A Google Cache copy of the offending Daily Tncker column, if you want to go digging for mangoes, without giving Tncker click-money.

    • avoidswork

      Tncker *ucker.

      FTFY

  • joe from Lowell

    I first noticed this in watching Obama’s reaction to terrorism. No matter how bland or professorial a man is, there comes a moment when his family or his country is threatened and he shows rage and the desire to kill. You can see it in his eyes — that flare of hatred, the primal urge to eradicate those who would poison your tribe.

    Sure, he kills bin Laden and blasts the shit out of AQAP, but what about his eyes?

    Whatever, twinkle toes.

    • medrawt

      Mark Judge is implying that he has been present on occasions when President Obama has been informed of terrorist attacks.

      I find this unlikely.

      Oh, wait, he means that when Obama, having previously been briefed and started doing whatever it is he’s going to do in response, when subsequently addressing the press should strive to recreate his original response – or at least some crowd-pleasing interpretation thereof – to information he’s already processed privately.

      • Joshua

        This is pretty much why they loved Dubya so much (and yes, they will deny it today, claiming they were the One True Conservative who was Deeply Concerned about his spending).

      • joe from Lowell

        Someone tells you that the two guys approaching you are pissed off at you.

        One of them is mouthing off and waving his hands around. The other one is real quiet.

        Where do you keep your eyes?

        Mike Judge gets this one wrong.

        • Lee Rudolph

          You butthead.

          • joe from Lowell

            D’oh!

            • NonyNony

              No, that one’s Matt Groening.

              • John Lackey

                Yeah, well now it’s joe groaning.

        • TribalistMeathead

          Yeah. That boy ain’t right in the head.

    • UserGoogol

      Although I have to concede I never really paid that much attention to George W. Bush’s eyes, (because that’s stupid) he always seemed like a pretty mellow guy. His rhetoric was very fiery and belligerent, but physically he seemed quite casual about it.

      It’s exceptionally easy to let your mental image of a person’s facial expressions be skewed by caricature (and Bush’s caricatures very much played up him being squinty and dumbly affable, perhaps more than he actually was) but of course that’s why it’s stupid to try to psychoanalyze such a superficial aspect of a person’s demeanor.

      • Vance Maverick

        Why do we care about Bush’s facial expressions now? We know his policies and their effect. I’m not even sure what you’re responding to, UserGoogol.

        • jim, some guy in iowa

          I think he/she is working off the bit joe from Lowell quoted about how Obama just doesn’t look mean the way “effective” terror fighters such as Bush do

  • Gary K

    Barack Obama Hillary Clinton: the first female president

    FTFY

  • cpinva

    my goodness, mr. judge certainly has his own little fetid swamp going on over there, doesn’t he? well, better he gets it off his chest there, where it will harm no one, rather than have him pissing it out on the street.

  • Paul Campos

    I’m not going to read more than the first couple of graphs of that thing, but bonus points should be awarded for using Capt. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise as a historical role model that presidents ought to emulate.

    • Craigo

      “Don’t…tell me how to run the country. It sickens me.”

    • Warren Terra

      But Shatner is Canadian!

      (or, rather: But! … Shatner! … Is! … Canadian!)

      • Paul Campos

        I’ll just leave this here.

      • john not mccain

        and a jew.

        • Bill Murray

          and did a movie in Esperanto

          • jim, some guy in iowa

            really? maybe he should have tried *singing* in that language

            • Desert Rat

              Nope. You don’t have to understand the lyrics to know that William Shatner can’t sing.

              • Shatner’s Singing Voice

                MISTER TAMBOURINE MAN!!!!!!

          • sharculese

            I got a Trivial Pursuit question about that once and my brother thought it was so impossible he told me I could slam his dick in drawer if I got it right.

            Still waiting for him to pay up.

            • redwoods

              Was this Drunk Trivial Pursuit? Because I cannot imagine playing a round with the fam, un-snozzled, and my brother blurting that out in front of my mom. Or my dad ever, EVER letting him live it down!

    • FMguru

      That’s almost as good as the time that Sen. Dan Quayle (R-IN) took to the floor of that august body to argue that the US should build anti-satellite missiles (ASATs) and not sign a non-proliferation agreement because they had proved so useful in the course of Tom Clancy’s RED STORM RISING.

      • MAJeff

        They really have always been bugfucking morons, haven’t they?

        • tucker

          yes

      • JMP

        That was the same man who famously thought it was a good idea to start a feud against a fictional news anchor for being a single mother; and lost that feud, big time.

        • Bill Murray

          who’s dead now though?

          • JMP

            Well Quayle’s ticket lost reelection less than six months later, while MB lasted another six seasons afterwards.

          • Warren Terra

            Well, I think Murphy Brown may be somewhat better remembered (and more fondly remembered) than Dan Quayle, and his continuing possession of a pulse seems unlikely to change that fact at this point.

            Heck, even his stellar achievements in Stupid Statements, once considered likely insuperable, are bettered on a seemingly weekly basis these days.

        • MAJeff

          Which is worse: Going through life known as the potatoe-boy who lost to Murphy Brown or having frothy fecal-lube foam named after you?

          • ChrisTS

            Excluded middle fallacy?

            • MAJeff

              Well, yes, there’s always being Ann Coulter, which is worse than either.

              • ChrisTS

                *Gack!*

    • Origami Isopod

      Bill Clinton emulated Shatner quite ably, with less ethics even, and still the wingnuts hate him.

      • DocAmazing

        Might have worked if Monica Lewinsky had been visibly otherworldly.

  • JMP

    Didn’t Carlson used to try and pose at being a seemingly reasonable and intellectual conservative, acting somewhat like a younger George Will, including the bow tie? I guess at some point after being fired by both CNN and MSNBC, not to mention first voted off of Dancing with the “Stars”, he must have decided their was more money in going full wingnut, and embracing sexism and racism.

    • CaptBackslap

      I believe he actually admitted to being inspired by Alex P. Keaton at one point.

      • JMP

        Did he not understand the concept of satire? What’s next, considering Al Bundy a role model?

        • MAJeff

          Have you read what conservatives call satire?

          • efgoldman

            Having a conservative understanding satire is like a box turtle understanding calculus.

            • cpinva

              “Having a conservative understanding satire is like a box turtle understanding calculus.”

              don’t underestimate the box turtle.

              • Desert Rat

                My money’s on the box turtle understand calculus before a conservative understands satire.

                • Tehanu

                  I can’t resist: it’s box turtles all the way down!

        • I’m waiting for Ted Bundy, and I’m pretty sure one of them is going for it even as we speak.

          • Origami Isopod

            Quite chillingly, it may have already happened and we will never know about it. Or won’t know until all those involved are dead.

    • sharculese

      To his credit, Tucker Carlson started his career doing in-depth, nose-to-the-grindstone journalism with a conservative bent. And given the family he comes from, he totally didn’t have to.

      It was only after they let him on tv that he turned into a total dipshit.

      • efgoldman

        ….nose-to-the-grindstone journalism with a conservative bent.

        A conservative bent what?

        • FlipYrWhig

          The arc of history is long, but it bends towards Tucker Carlson.

          • Maybe we’ll get lucky and it will fall over and crush him.

  • joe from Lowell

    Using Mark Judge’s definition of toughness is what got Virgil Solozzo killed.

  • Karen

    Mark Judge via Wikipedia

    I find this highly appropriate.

    • Karen

      Well, because none of you clicked, I will tell you that the Mark Judge in the Wiki was an expert in sewage. That’s why it’s appropriate.

      You know what’s annoying? I can’t find any way to type something about having to explain my joke that doesn’t sound genuinely huffy, when in fact I want to be ironic and humorous huffy. Now I’m explaining a joke I didn’t even make. I think I need to get out more . . .

      • Anna in PDX

        I tried to go to it but it came up blank. Maybe my work is not allowing me to go to Wikipedia (which seems really strange).

        • joe from Lowell

          Me, too.

          I thought it was a slam on Judge for being a nobody.

      • Warren Terra

        I clicked. The link was misformatted, and I got bored and wandered off.

    • Pseudonym
  • Foregone Conclusion

    Nothing says uber-masculine more than wearing a bow-tie into your late thirties.

    • Warren Terra

      Depends on where you’re wearing it, surely.

      • Ann Outhouse

        Which reminds me of this Brian Bowers classic:

        Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair
        One could tell by how he walked that he’d drunk more than his share
        He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet
        Then he stumbled off into the grass asleep beside the street

        Ring-ding-did-a-little-la-di-oh, Ring-di-diddly-eye-oh,
        He stumbled off into the grass asleep beside the street

        About that time two young n’ lovely girls just happened by
        One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
        “See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built,
        I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath the kilt.”

        Ring-ding-did-a-little-la-di-oh, Ring-di-diddly-eye-oh,
        I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath the kilt

        They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
        Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
        And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt
        Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth

        Ring-ding-did-a-little-la-di-oh, Ring-di-diddly-eye-oh,
        Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth

        They marveled for a moment then one said, “We must be gone.
        Let’s leave a present for our friend before we move along.”
        As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
        Around the bonnie star the Scot’s kilt did lift and show.
        Around the bonnie star the Scot’s kilt did lift and show.

        Now the Scotsman woke to nature’s call and stumbled towards the trees
        Behind a bush he lift his kilt and gawks at what he sees
        And in a startled voice he says to what’s before his eyes
        “Ah, lad I don’t know you’ve been but I see you won first prize.”

        Ring-ding-did-a-little-la-di-oh, Ring-di-diddly-eye-oh,
        “Ah, lad I don’t know you’ve been but I see you won first prize.”

        • efgoldman

          No True Scotsman!

    • Mark Field

      I dare you to tell that to Brother Mouzone.

    • anthrofred

      Every time I read “Tucker Carlson”, I hear calliope music.

      • Aaron Baker

        And now, so will I.

    • Malaclypse
  • James E. Powell

    It seems to me that some people, too many people, need to see & hear “toughness” from their political leaders. And they need to see & hear it regularly; it gives them some kind of assurance of something.

    What makes it especially stupid is that their understanding of “toughness” is like the aluminum foil spikes of Oakland Raiders fans. It has nothing to do with actual stuff that actual people do.

    • Joshua

      The codpiece and ‘Mission Accomplished’ was made for these people.

      • Joshua

        And by “these people”, I mean a huge, huge percentage of the Village.

    • There’s an entire conservative media apparatus that amounts to little more than the troubadours following Sir Robin around explaining how he “bravely turned his tail and fled.”

  • Shakezula

    It’s like he saw the John Lennon album and thought “Hey, this could work the other way. Also. Too.”

  • Please, please, please, may Republicans everywhere start calling Obama “female” like being a woman is disgusting.

    • Man, I’d like some of those Presidential style cooties. Don’t these guys get that being the first female President would be just as ground breaking?

      • Warren Terra

        Hasn’t Maureen O’Dowd already tried to label Obama “the First Female President”, in the hopes she’ll be quoted and cited as often as Toni Morrison’s First Black President description of Clinton was, forgetting that it worked for Morrison (to the extent it worked) because she was a Nobel laureate and something of a spokesperson for Black America to the White majority – whereas nobody except apparently for the editor of The Times gives a flying f what Maureen O’Dowd, professional bad-taste stereotype(s), has to say about anything.

        • Besides, toni Morrison likes black people, and maureen dowd really, really, doesn’t like women.

    • ChrisTS

      Sorry, Hon: for Tucker’s crowd, you are choking on the wrong tree.

      • Choking a tree requires large hands.

        Just sayin’.

  • Mark Judge

    King of the Hill lost me somewhere in the middle of the first season.

    • Patrick

      President Camacho is better political commentary than anything you’ll find at tuckers place.

  • Pseudonym

    Has US political commentary always been this broken? Often?

    • jim, some guy in iowa

      there’s always been craziness, because that’s the way America rolls, but once upon a time there were something like three major newspapers and three radio/television networks, from where all the newsmagazines and smaller newspapers got *their* info and so for a while there was a sort of rough consensus on the issues that doesn’t exist now

  • SamR

    So he’s a pushover today? Is he a pushover or a thug tomorrow?

  • The prophet Nostradumbass

    Next week, this same guy will probably write something about how Obama is a Chicago-style “thug” who is bullying and coercing the country into submitting to his will.

  • Aaron Baker

    Wow. Aristotle AND James T. Kirk. I mean . . . wow.

  • Aaron Baker

    Off-topic, but if one of you would please comment on this latest eructation from Rod Dreher,

    http://www.theamericanconservative.com/dreher/desire-uber-alles/

    I for one would be very grateful.

    • Uncle Kvetch

      A very quick scan reveals that the German government’s acknowledgment of transgenderism means that Germany is descending back into Nazism. And Marxism, also too.

      All the gold-shitting unicorns in the world wouldn’t be enough to make me actually read the thing carefully. That’s what Roy Edroso is for.

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