A Day in the Life of a Typical Academic

Unfortunately, because of the academic bent of our masthead most of my colleagues are too busy driving expensive but ugly cars, lounging on their yachts on the Riviera, washing beluga caviar-dredged Kobe steaks down with magnums of 1982 Cheval Blanc, and so on to comment on Russell Jacoby’s profound analysis of Piss Christ the Commodore Amiga Mr. Mister the immense influence and representativeness of Stanley Fish. Fortunately, another typical academic has agreed to share his typical day with us:

Earlier today, suffused with good cheer from Cook’s morning repast, excellent as always, I strolled out to begin my day. It being a fine morning, I walked around the house through the gardens, perusing the freshly ironed copy of The New Republic my manservant had thoughtfully placed atop my valise. An excellent periodical, I find, one that takes care to address the concerns of typical people like myself. Having reached the garage, I selected the Rolls, and we were underway when I encountered Dr. Jacoby’s missive. Somehow, the knowing chuckle I emitted resonated in the automobile’s plush interior unusually loudly, causing my chauffeur to miss a change in the traffic signals! He has of course been sacked.

Quite so! I hope our correspondent welcomes his new gig writing book reviews of irrelevant authors who don’t seem to have written any books recently at The New Republic. As wjts notes, however, that doesn’t mean that there isn’t the occasional sacrifice:

This seems as good a place as any to note that the Bugatti my department has provided for my use this semester is the wrong color.

I know! Why, our adjuncts have been reduced to receiving a lightly used Audi A6 each. Things are tough all over.