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Time to Start Unwrapping

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Not even SEK can claim something like this, what with incredibly lame wingnut attempts at parody now including me as a central figure in their posts:

We’re having a giant girlfriend unwrapping party at the Asexual Alliance this week, y’all ought to think about coming out.

….In the last 24 hours, I’ve attended a Mexican League game and been parodied on a right-wing site. I really don’t see what goals there are for me to accomplish before I die.

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  • “y’all ought to think about coming out.”

    There you go, pushing homosexuality on the entire country. Typically notorious incendiary behavior. /sarcasm

    • David Hunt

      Blast you for beating me to that quip

  • elm

    I was unaware that firearms were well known for admitting not to hold American flags. I mean, given that firearms do not have hands at the end of their arms, it is hard for them to hold American flags, but I’m still surprised that such an idiom would become common place enough that it could placed in the middle of the paragraph without further explanation.

    And given that Erik is only accumulating lattes rather than carrying them around, it is doubly surprising that he can’t hold an American flag.

    • And profoundly anti-American for Obama to title his July 4 speech “Thursday” — meaning, I assume, “ain’t no thing but another day.”

    • Anna in PDX

      I also thought that was an incredibly stupid sentence. “Admitted, like a firearm, to doing something” sounds like one of those funny misleading headlines they quote in humor articles.

    • TribalistMeathead

      It’d be holding a flag if you stuck one down the barrel.

    • Murc

      I was unaware that firearms were well known for admitting not to hold American flags.

      Well, they’re not. That paragraph implies that firearms are well known for admitting to not hold America flags.

      Totally different thing. Reading comprehension, libs!

      • Karate Bearfighter

        All this time I’ve been assuming that the “Democrat” vs. “Democratic” thing was intentional; maybe they just can’t identify the adjectives in a sentence.

      • elm

        I’ll admit I totally missed the American/America mistake, enjoying so much the other mistakes. Normally, I’d feel kind of bad picking on their grammar and diction so much, but they claim to be “highly educated conservatives,” so I think they probably deserve it.

    • HP

      “Loomis admitted, like a firearm, four sharp reports and a series of desultory clicks.”

    • Mrs Tilton

      THIS IS AMERICA, WINGNUT!!! SPEAK ENGLISH!!!

      What I really want to know is, how does one tot a latte?

  • That is just like a firearm to never hold an American flag. Or IS it?

    • Kathleen

      Bet one would have to pry the flag from its cold, dead (fire)arms.

  • Joshua

    hardened (not in the aroused sense)

    what is this i don’t even

    • Randy

      It means the author is still in the eighth grade.

      • DrDick

        You flatter him.

      • MAJeff

        More like, Cartman’s mother got high on meth every day of her pregnancy, and Cartman has smoked it every day since. Add that to Cartman’s personality.

  • Dude, I knew you were white.

    But not THAT WHITE!!! :-)

    • I’m pretty white.

      • elm

        And what a long neck you have! I can see why the guys at Duh Progressive are so into you!

      • Andrew

        More frequent comparisons to Alton Brown or Ronald Lacey?

        • Alton Brown, definitely.

          • ruviana

            Damn! That’s who the picture reminded me of. By the way, what the hell is “latte-totting?”

            • catclub

              With an abacus is how the mooslims do it.

  • Uncle Kvetch

    Tott that latte, lift that bail!

    • sharculese

      I’ve never heard of totting before, but it sounds absolutely filthy, and probably dangerous if a latte is involved.

      • I would imagine it involves an enema bag and a fourth grader, but that’s just an interpretation

    • comptr0ller

      Git a little drunk and you land yer head on a stick

  • Manju

    We wingnuts don’t believe Erik unwraps. We think he deconstructs.

    • Uncle Kvetch

      We think he deconstructs.

      Like a firearm, no less.

      Is it getting warm in here?

      • Manju

        Its always warm for the hardened group. Can’t attach no heads to floppy sticks.

      • commie atheist

        Like a firearm
        Unwrapping for the very first time
        Like a fi-i-i-er-arm
        With your latte
        Spilling onto mine

        • efgoldman

          win!

  • Uncle Kvetch

    And why did Obama call his July 4 speech “Thursday”?

  • Trollhattan

    You “admitted, like a firearm”? I’ve never once heard a firearm talk, although I’m led to understand Colbert’s pistol, Sweetness, speaks to him. Also, too, what is “controversial history,” what are the prerequisites and what year does one normally take it?

    Not going to look it up but am pretty sure “lethally-hot” should not be hyphenated.

    Please Twitter-twat the date of the girlfriend unwrapping. Pretty sure I can free up my schedule.

    Can somebody please Craig’s-List [it’s a verb, look it up] an ad for moar better wingnuts?

    • elm

      No, see, what they’re saying by lethally-hot is not that Erik is attractive, it’s that when he gets hot for someone, it’s lethal (which is why he so nobly refrains from sex.) They’re using ‘hot’ kind of as a verb, so the hyphen is kind of appropriate.

  • Let me see if I have this straight: if John Kerry is on his yacht (which has all the modern technological conveniences), it’s a crisis. But if Obama would rather be playing golf than doing something strictly symbolic, it’s also a crisis?

    Good thing W never took any vacation.

    • He was cutting brush in photo-ops, it’s totally different.

    • DrDick

      Or went to a birthday party during a huge natural disaster in a major US city.

  • pete

    Just HOW big is that giant girlfriend anyway?

  • sharculese

    It’s pretty awesome how we sometimes get wingnut trolls now who show up something along the lines of ‘hey have you heard about how sinister this Loomis character is.’

    No, that whole story got completely passed over here. Do tell.

    • Cody

      He’s just one more incident removed from getting elected, as far as I can tell.

      Assuming the Democratic Party is ran to piss of Republicans like the Republican party is run to piss off Democrats.

      • Lee Rudolph

        In Rhode Island, Republicans aren’t pissed off, they’re a rounding error.

        • Andrew

          Yes, now that they’ve started running in Democratic primaries instead.

  • Sly

    David Cornhole of the far-Left Mother Jones magazine….

    David Cornhole? I know of a David Corn who writes for Mother Jones, but not a David Cornhole….

    Oooohhhh! I get it! It’s because he’s a FAGGOTY FAGGOT, right? That’s pretty funny. This guy should try to do stand-up or start a biting politics/comedy show on some basic cable network. Even if he had to compete with all the successful conservative comedians out there already, I’m sure he’d be a big hit.

    • commie atheist

      Loomis must be jealous that they didn’t anything equally sophomoric to his name. Looney? Luminous? Lucy?

      • It’s not hard, but then conservatives are very bad at comedy.

        • efgoldman

          It’s not hard, but then conservatives are very bad at comedyeverything.
          Corrected your homework, perfesser.

        • gocart mozart

          It’s not hard,

          So it’s flacid is what you’re saying?

      • Warren Terra

        Just be glad we are not like them; we’d all be claiming to be loomatics or something.

      • Joshua

        more like erik poo-miss amirite

    • And yet it’s quite probable that no small handful of those who share the “writer’s” political views [even if they don’t read the site] play a game called “Cornhole” regularly and unironically.

      • evodevo

        Yet another one of those unintentionally hilarious RW meme blunders – like Teabagger, or 2M4M. When I first heard someone around here (Ky) selling equipment for “cornhole” games, I nearly did a spit-take. And what is ironic, is that this term is an ollllddd Southern term for anal aperture, as far as I remember from my yoot.

    • “Far Left” =anyone slightly to the right of Mussolini in wingnut-speak?

    • Bill Murray

      I’m surprised they omitted The Great Cornholio

  • It’s like the worst of Andy Borowitz, as feverishly transcribed by William Jacobson.

  • commie atheist

    Why were you counting lethally-hot lattes? America wants to know.

    • I hate coffee. Really, that’s the worst part of the article. At least they could get their facts straight about the important things.

      The only thing that could be worse would be saying I was drunk on vodka.

      • Or that I was listening to Janis Joplin in my office.

        • I bet she’s the girlfriend-to-be-unwrapped.

          • You mean I dug up her corpse and is storing her in my office for my asexual pleasures. Shhh, don’t tell anyone!

            • Janis Joplin necrophilia Israel!

            • Malaclypse

              That’s even worse than what SEK didn’t do in his office.

        • efgoldman

          Or that I was listening to Janis Joplin in my office.

          I would call that a mark of refinement distinction, and taste.
          But maybe its a generational thing. Our (now 32 y.o.) daughter used to run and hide when we played Janis.

          • DrDick

            My now 40 yo son still does.

            • efgoldman

              Well, she hasn’t lived with us since she left for college at 18.

              • DrDick

                Nor has my son, but even on visits it happens.

            • Linnaeus

              My father loved (and still loves) Janis Joplin. A lot of his friends did too – which is interesting given that they were all blue-collar white guys.

  • TribalistMeathead

    Snopes debunked it before I’d even heard of it. Way to go, Snopes.

    • NBarnes

      Link?

  • Matt Stevens

    Asexual Alliance

    Daaamn, son, he said you reproduce like a single-celled organism! Time to grow a pair of clones and kick his butt.

    • The Asexual Alliance was my least favorite group of Avengers villains

    • If you play it backwards you hear “Faaaaaaaaart!”

      Is the lethally-hot thing a jab at your coverage of the McDonald’s scalding case?

  • Aaron Baker

    Who said satire is dead?

  • efgoldman

    How did they miss the heads-on-pikes part? Or maybe it just goes along with their medieval sensibilities.

  • Robert Farley

    I fully expect Glenn to link to this piece in the next LGM-Greenwald spat.

    • Greenwald has already approvingly linked to white supremacists to use against me, so I think he probably already has this teed up.

      • Matt T. in New Orleans

        I missed that one. Who did he link to, specifically?

        • Robert Stacy McCain, most famous for defending the lynching of Emmitt Till.

          • elm

            And wasn’t RSM simply complaining that you had a potty mouth? It’s not like he had the smoking gun against you or anything.

          • Matt T. in New Orleans

            Damnation. That’s a Jane Hamsher-Grover Norquist moment right there.

          • Timb

            Most famous for saying that a reasonable man doesn’t mind a black lady to be his bank teller, but can object to her as a sister-in-law and that this is not racism no matter what the NYTimes says.

            That’s a quote by the way

    • sharculese

      He’s too busy with the first-draft of Edward Snowden’s ghost-written autobiography.

      • Jewish Steel

        Glenn’s just confirmed to Glenn that Glenn isn’t doing that.

  • scarshapedstar

    Hey, wait a minute, is he claiming that firearm[s] never hold America[sic] flags? Is he calling our guns commies?!

  • Better alert that resident troll who thinks only the blahs have bad grammar, because holy hell is there a lot of bad English in that. Oh yeah, bad humor too, but I assume that goes without saying.

  • brad

    I…. think they have fake ads that they’re pretending are real, too? That site is a nightmare, but on their contacts page I see a graphic that’s a picture of the Dos Equis “most interesting man” spokesmodel with the caption “I Don’t Often Drink Beer, But When I do… Democrats in my neighborhood strangely start disappearing (STAY THIRSTY)“(all strange caps in original)
    The graphic links to the dosequis homepage, implying an ad, except I have adblock and noscript and the rest on, and it’s a simple, direct url link. So it’s a fake ad that’s I guess meant to imply sponsorship and a bad eliminationist rhetoric tinged “joke”.

    My brain hurts.

    • sharculese

      ‘When I drink I black out and murder people for being Democrats’ is simultaneously the best and worst ad for American conservatism possible.

    • brad

      Oh wait, it’s everywhere on the site, down and to the left.
      I honestly wonder how easy it’d be to fool them into taking sooper-secret double reverse parodies of their own crap. The hardest part would definitely be the unique conservative grammar.
      Also trying to parody bits with titles like “Infamous Abortion Doc Spared Execution, Given ‘Super Late-Late-Term Abortion’ Instead” does sound like trying to smear poop on a pile of shit.

      • commie atheist

        There’s one that looks like an Allstate ad, which reads, “We’ve got you covered, even if you are a racist asshole.” Somehow I get the feeling that Allstate and the Dos Equis people would not be thrilled with this kind of redirect.

  • DrDick

    That whole piece is so moronically lame as to qualify as the perfect self-parody of conservative “humor”(sic). It exceeds Jonah Goldberg levels of dumb and inane.

    • sharculese

      And yet apparently it’s getting passed around as genuine. Wingnuts: still super dumb.

      • The comments to that thing are awesome.

        • Davis

          The comments are hilarious, the “satire” is lame. The Onion, they’re not.

          • commie atheist

            Oh, yeah?

            If you’ve ever read The Onion, you can guess what we’re about. Take the snarkiness of a liberal and put it in the body of a contemporary conservative (i.e. more libertarian than anything), and wha-la, you have Duh Progressive!

            Impressed by the power of satire, Duh Progressive’s seeks a politically charged, libertarian-style Onion, aimed at the more urban and college educated conservative (yes, all 5 of us!). The struggle between Left and Right can be grueling, tedious, and heated at times, and Duh Progressive seeks to break some of the tension through a humorous perspective. Ironically finding itself chided more by the very people to whom Duh Progressive caters than the Left, Duh Progressive strives on, illustrating absurdity with absurdity and using laughter as a weapon in a war against a society seemingly determined to grow angrier, crazier, and more oppressive by the day.

            But…

            WARNING: Duh Progressive is not “family-friendly.” Nor do we always aim to be funny. We have a “True Op-Ed” section for serious opinions on current events, and some of our satirical articles may push the envelope to an offensive degree for some. Aside from that, we reserve the right to curse, offend, occasionally self-deprecate, and aim to make our readers laugh, think, and gain a humorous take on America’s rising political and cultural mayhem, be they conservative or liberal, or not political at all. So enjoy, or not enjoy, or enjoy not enjoying!

            —Sincerely,

            Duh Progressive

            Take that, humor-challenged libs! Wha-la!!!

            • sharculese

              It’s weird I thought The Onion’s main thing was making jokes that people laugh at, but I guess I don’t get this satire stuff.

            • Once more for the people who were drawing hearts all over their picture of Ayn Rand:

              TO EXPLAIN THE JOKE IS TO KILL THE JOKE.

              • Jay B.

                Not when the horse has only been dead for 5 years.

            • Uncle Kvetch

              a contemporary conservative (i.e. more libertarian than anything)

              Awww…that’s just adorable.

            • Jay B.

              Impressed by the power of satire

              [Shakes fist at sky] ALINSKY!!!!

            • Cody

              Reading this convinces me that the people writing it aren’t actually conservatives…

              They wouldn’t make a joke about only 5 of them going to college, right?

        • Marc

          It really does seem as if the readers of that site could lose a tic-tac-toe match against a chicken. Or drown if they were caught in the rain.

  • I really don’t see what goals there are for me to accomplish before I die.

    You could take up the trombone.

    Cheers!
    JzB

    • efgoldman

      You could take up the trombone.

      My momma done told me to never, EVER sit in front of the trombone section.

  • TBP

    Why is it conservatives basically just can’t do humor? Even people who are reasonably funny become horribly unfunny if they become conservative (e.g. Dennis Miller—maybe never a comic genius, but I used to enjoy his SNL stuff and his rants were sometimes quite good, and even a little insightful).

    Off the top of my head, I can only think of three conservative comic writers that I’ve ever enjoyed:

    Evelyn Waugh, P. J. O’Rourke, and Christopher Buckley.

    O’Rourke hasn’t really been funny in years, but I remember at least occasionally liking him, and Buckley isn’t all that conservative, what with voting for O’Bama and all (although he’s hardly morphed into Gore Vidal).

    • brad

      Comedy works best by punching up or hitting yourself. The defiant refusal to be self-aware and authoritarian undertones of conservatism combined with it being a defender of white male privilege make for very few laughs in their culture that anyone sane will share in.

      • Davis

        Hey Brad, you just beat me to it.

      • Murc

        Comedy works best by punching up or hitting yourself.

        More to the point, the best comedy is inherently subversive just by nature. It’s hard to be subversive and simultaneously defend entrenched power and the status quo.

    • Davis

      I agree on all counts, including the decline of O’Rourke.

      My guess is that conservative humor involves punching down, not up.

      • snarkout

        There’s a bit in O’Rourke’s Parliament of Whores about the drug war which comes dangerously close to real critical self-reflection, when O’Rourke compares a raid on a crack house in Chicago with the treatment of his friend’s son who was arrested for either possession or low-level dealing. Then he drops it, and the next chapter picks back up with making fun of the car safety guys at the DoT or whatever.

    • Dear Lord n’ Butter, you must read the comments. I sense a growing anger against the DP crew for creating this odd thing which the readers cannot understand.

      MUST SMASH!!1une.

      • Should have been a free-floating comment, FYThisPlatform.

    • Mrs Tilton

      And Waugh was at his best before he became conservative: when he was young, drunk, on the make and just a bit socially insecure. (Well, OK; he did retain the “drunk” part his entire life.)

      Stuff like Vile Bodies is very good even today. Even Brideshead Revisited is quite good, though marred by having a bore as its protagonist and a man by then yearning for Greatness as its author.(And I will note that, though by the time he wrote it Waugh had become a religiously reactionary Catholic, the novel’s critique of Roman Catholicism hit its mark far better than that of the forthrightly Romanophobe yet bizarre and horrid Julian Jarrod film version.) By the time he had settled into his conservative, bloated, premature old age, Waugh really was no longer very funny at all — as witness his tedious Sword of Honour trilogy, which he considered his finest work.

      And anyway, by the standards of today’s teabaggers, Waugh wasn’t really much of a conservative anyway (though he was, to give him his due, a weapons-grade asshole).

  • Manju

    I feel compelled, however begrudgingly, to credit Erik for smiling…during a mug shot.

    • TribalistMeathead

      So did Tom DeLay. What’s your point?

      • Manju

        Oh wait…it actually is a mug shot?

    • Dave

      Is that what it is? I thought someone had put a wire through his head…

  • worldinthemaking

    If you pissed off the craziest people in the world, you must be doing something right.

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