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Do you want me to strangle this kitten? Because I will…

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… and it’ll be on you.

Late at night in the Inland Empire runs a commercial for a car dealership (or some related industry) in which a man in the throes of a late-mid-life crisis cradles a puppy while informing viewers that, if they don’t purchase whatever it is he’s selling, he won’t be able to donate to the local animal shelters.* The threat is as unambiguous as it is unsettling. I would doubt that any conservative who isn’t continuing to stalk and harass me would stoop to such lows, but then Robert Stacy McCain reminds me that my bog-standard expectations are insufficiently boggy:

Have you ever hit Da Tech Guy’s tip jar? I have and you should. Have you ever contributed to the Protein Wisdom monthly fund drive? I have and you should. And how about hitting Jimmie Bise’s tip jar? Are you some kind of Commie bolshevik pinko sympathizer, or are you gonna do something to help these guys in the fight?

I’m not going to help fund amateur shadow-boxers, because I have no interest in watching grown men punching dark bits on the wall they mistake for Obama. Or at least, I wasn’t going to until McCain informed me of the alternative:

If powerful Malaysian interests had been willing to pay $400,000 to obtain the services of a natural-born smartass, how quickly would I have cashed that check? Immediately.

Would I drop Jeff Goldstein a few bucks to buy a gun to match his ammunition if it meant I wouldn’t have so many friends and relatives reading the pay-for-play nonsense of tyrannical regimes? Given that they seem to be as helpless as hostage puppies before talk radio’s nonsense, I can’t say I’m not tempted. If we have to pay conservatives to be truthful, however remotely, maybe that’s just the price of democracy these days. Who’s to say we shouldn’t just pay it?

*I can’t find a video of this on Youtube, but if any of you can, I’d be forever obliged. I’d love to use it in my class.

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  • I dunno if you’re old enough to remember this.

    • SEK

      Given that it was published well before I was born … no. But I see your point and take it.

      • Malaclypse

        Damn kids today, with their not knowing National Lampoon covers. Probably never even read Bored of the Rings.

      • dms

        I was in college at the time that was published, and I’m supposed to listen to anything you have to say?

        What a fool am I.

        • SEK

          But I’m not even anywhere near your lawn!

      • Jay B.

        Given that it was published well before I was born …

        So was Catch-22 and the Winston cigarette tag line (tastes good…like a cigarette should), but I still know about them. It’s not like that cover is obscure or anything. It was published when i was two and a half, but I’m pretty sure I came across it later.

        • SEK

          I didn’t say I wasn’t familiar with it, just that I didn’t remember it. If y’all are going to razz me for being young, I get to razz you for being old. All’s fair and all…

          • thebewilderness

            If you are you’re young your rememberer ought properly to be in better working order than that of the olds, eh?

      • BruceJ

        Dayum, the last time P.J. O’Rourke was funny….

        • Kurzleg

          I thought “High-Speed Performance Characteristics of Pickup Trucks” was pretty funny.

      • mds

        Given that it was published well before I was born … no.

        Wait, you’re younger than I am? But you seem so decrepit well-aged, like a fine wine.

    • cpinva

      the good old days, when nat lamp was a mag worthy of sneaking around in my backpack (yes, i had a backpack in high school. mine wasn’t a cool backpack, it was a korean war veteran, marine corps backpack, got a problem with that?), which it stopped being, not long before SNL became not worth watching.

      • John

        Thoughts on SNL:

        1. While it is dreadful to watch a whole episode through, they still produce very funny content on a semi-regular basis.

        2. Aside from the mid-80s period when it was just terrible, I don’t think that this has ever not been the case. People have just forgotten the bad stuff in the original cast period, the late 80s/early 90s renaissance, the Will Ferrell era, or whatever other era people have decided was when SNL was last worth watching.

        • cpinva

          it stopped being worth watching, shortly after most of the original cast, that belushi recruited, left. while no one show was ever uniformly perfect, the original cast, having come from a mostly improv comedic background, did a uniformly better job of recovering from poorly ended skits. later casts, almost uniformly tended to look like deer caught in a headlight, when a skit when south. i attribute that, in large part, to signing people who, for the most part, lacked any serious theatre training, but were stand-up comics.

          • Timb

            If you don’t watch, how do you know!

            • cpinva

              “If you don’t watch, how do you know!”

              i don’t need to jump off a cliff, to know the landing will not end well.

              • timb

                You have offended both apples and oranges by claiming to critique a show you haven’t watched — allegedly — for almost 35 years.

                • Malaclypse

                  I have not watched it either, but I do know that it employed both Dennis Miller and Victoria Jackson.

                • cpinva

                  “You have offended both apples and oranges by claiming to critique a show you haven’t watched — allegedly — for almost 35 years.”

                  you’ve offended basic reading skills. i never stated that i haven’t watched it since the original cast left, i stated that it hasn’t been worth watching, two entirely different, and easily differentiated things, which you would have known, if you could simply read. sadly, i have, from time-to-time, watched SNL, which is how i ascertained that it isn’t worth watching, for the most part.

                  and yes, the ability, on live tv, to competently recover from a badly written ending to a skit, makes live tv watchable. otherwise, why bother? heck, i can see live incompetence all around me, i don’t to set aside time to watch it on tv

          • spencer

            So the ability to gracefully recover from a skit gone south is what made SNL worth watching?

            • timb

              How would he know? He doesn’t watch to know if anyone can do that.

    • ralphdibny

      Or this.

    • Jaycubed

      The first person really famous for animal stuff was Cal Worthington:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOsLdT4slsk

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQlgFdyJYuQ

      Cal didn’t go for the maudlin dog bit; but one of his former salesmen opened up a lot & then moved to Las Vegas & continued the shtick, but with the dogs from the pound,Fletcher Fleecer Jones (Chevrolet). Couldn’t find any videos for him, there must have been thousands from the mid 60’s to the 80’s when Fletcher Fleecer Jones Jr. took over & continued the dog act for a while. Jr. married Jan Laverty, Thriftimart/Albertsons scion and 2 term Mayor of Las Vegas. The company has gone upscale (Mercedes) & moved back into California.

  • McCain calls himself a smartass; I’d say he’s half right.

    • Vance Maverick

      He’s TASS?

      • Anonymous

        Wasn’t Tass a Marxist news source?

        • Vance Maverick

          Soviet.

        • TASS – Telegraph Agency of the Soviet Union.

  • Shakezula

    Are you some kind of Commie bolshevik pinko sympathizer, or are you gonna do something to help these guys in the fight?

    Ar har har. But seriously, what fight is this? The fight where they sit their well-stuffed duffs in front of a computer and type “Obama liberal socialist Mooslim bark gibber squawk FREEDOM!” Because that ain’t fight, son. That’s a tantrum.

    If powerful Malaysian interests had been willing to pay $400,000 to obtain the services of a natural-born smartass, how quickly would I have cashed that check?

    The problem here being if Malaysia were after a natural born smartass, Stacy meets only half of the requirements.

    If we have to pay conservatives to be truthful, however remotely, maybe that’s just the price of democracy these days. Who’s to say we shouldn’t just pay it?

    Uh yeah … Not really. We already know how much conservatives expect to be paid when they lie; we can’t afford the truth.

    • montag

      No kidding. Even Warren Buffett doesn’t have enough spare cash to get the truth out of even a C-list conservative.

      It’s just not in `em.

      • cpinva

        it’s not worth it.

        “It’s just not in `em.”

        it’s available, for nearly free, elsewhere. why pay these numb nuts, for the truth we already know?

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know, but “Commie bolshevik pinko sympathizer” is some Grade-A word barf.

      • cpinva

        personally, i think the chi-coms always had much more entertaining insults:

        running dog capitalist swine!

      • timb

        maybe a good band name too

      • Shakezula

        I think he was trying to be funny. The problem is they toss out such phrases in earnest, so it is hard to tell.

        • I think an appropriate phrase for Goldstein is “cock-punching paper tiger”.

  • null
    • Mark D’ski

      Nanook wouldn’t be pleased, see ya at St. Alphonso’s Pancake Breakfast

  • Jonas

    Having (unfortunately) read your links, I learned that you are a lying lieberal who libels. You are also a hypocrite for criticizing another professor for posting scantily clad women on his website, while allowing your students to swear. And this is the truth, which is why you were attacking him. Am I getting this right? Because I can’t figure out the lies, libel or hypocrisy part.

    • SEK

      That’s the case against me … minus the part where some anonymous someone sent my department many emails referring to me as a “demonologist,” which someone conveniently leaves out of his account.

      You know, to make it look like I was just contacting his department because he was being wildly inappropriate and unprofessional, and not because he was also (and is still also) harassing me.

      • You’re a Jew, and a Liberal Jew, you dirty Jew, so all’s fair.

        • SEK

          I appreciate the impersonation — and had I the ethical fortitude of the Donalde, I’d totally use it against him — but there’s not nearly enough pathetic there. Where’s the slang the kids are using these days in 1992? Where’s the mock-ebonic patois that proves that you think you’re black? Where are the exclamations points!!! Where is the RANDOM CAPITALIZATION YOU DEMONOLOGIST?

      • Have you considered maybe just summoning a few demons on him? Drag him down to Hell and all that?

        Wait, you didn’t send him a Kholvarian chaos demon, did you? Just to damage his sanity? Nicely played, sir…

        • SEK

          With my luck, I’d summon Gachnar, and that’d be that.

          • Gachnar is actually more formidable than the Donalde, isn’t he?

            • SEK

              Sadly, demons tend not to abuse the legal system the way Donaldes do. (Though you think they would, given that vengeance is a perpetual growth industry.)

              • rea

                demons tend not to abuse the legal system

                Haven’t dealt with many mortgage companies recently, have you?

          • mds

            Gachnar? The theft of Victor Davis Hanson’s chainsaw becomes less mysterious.

      • Jonas

        Demonology? It sounds like a fun major, but what can you do with it?

        • Jonas

          I mean besides teach.

          • SEK

            +1

          • cpinva

            i believe you can possess which, depending on who you possess, could be a lot more fun and profitable, than just teaching. there’s a whole world of possibilities open, to the ambitious demon. heck, you could start a blog.

            • herr doktor bimler

              Nine tenths of the law and all that.

        • ajay

          Demonology? It sounds like a fun major, but what can you do with it?

          Far too many students have been conned into taking on hundreds of thousands of gp in debt in order to attend Demonology School, but they don’t realise that even top-rank schools are now seeing only 24% of their students getting full-time jobs in the evil or malevolent industries, and up to 62% are now facing an uncertain future of occasional freelance maniacal cackling. Read my newly-published grimoire, “The Demonology Scam” by Kampos the Black, available now from http://www.avernus.com.

          • cpinva

            do those full-time demon jobs require actual degrees? do they require having passed under the bar? if not, than even those 24% are getting scammed into taking on a debt load unnecessarily.

            • ajay

              do those full-time demon jobs require actual degrees? do they require having passed under the bar?

              You’re quite right; we don’t have exact figures, but a lot of those 24% are working as paranormals.

          • Manta

            Gp? Don’t they ask your immortal soul to attend anymore?

            • Malaclypse

              No, you’re thinking of GS.

      • mds

        minus the part where some anonymous someone sent my department many emails referring to me as a “demonologist,”

        Say, I was wondering if you could take a look at my psoriasis.

  • Funkhauser

    All the conservative movement’s a pyramid scam,
    and all their manly men often takers
    They have their tip jars and their appeals
    And one blogger in his time can find many marks
    In his attacks against Bill Ayres

    Shorter RS McCain: “What have you done as a mark lately?”

    • Shakezula

      Sincere, non-Facebookian Like.

  • I like this self-referring cover.

  • Stop picking on the righteous retards, you dirty hooked-nosed Jew.

  • Matt

    Better plan: sign exclusive deals with rightbloggers, then shitcan the entire output. Basically “pay for STFU”.

    • That’s actually my plan whenever I finally win the lottery and buy the NYTimes. Sign a lot of wingnuts to exclusive 30-year contracts, require ’em to write three columns a week, then burn ’em in front of ’em. And then ship ’em all off to the Amazon River Basin and let ’em get infected with skin-eating parasites…

      • herr doktor bimler

        Canonically one is doomed to be trapped in the Amazonian jungle, endlessly reading Dickens to an illiterate farmer.

        • ChrisTS

          And only two books of Dickens, as I recall. Horrifying, killed my Waugh phase.

          • Look at the bright side, you’ll never feel compelled to read Brideshead Revisited.

      • cpinva

        at the rate the nyt’s is going, you should be able to acquire it for the spare change found in your living room couch. i assume mo dowd is getting paid in green stamps.

      • Shakezula

        I believe you will find that as with sharks and people of a certain unfairly slandered profession, skin-eating parasites will not eat right wing bloggleheads.

    • BigHank53

      Uh, go back and look at Romney’s payroll from last year. He was paying a lot of people to not go on TV and talk about his campaign.

      • cpinva

        “Uh, go back and look at Romney’s payroll from last year. He was paying a lot of people to not go on TV and talk about his campaign.”

        did they actually get paid, or did he stiff them too?

    • Scott Lemieux

      I thought that was the Pajamas Media business model.

  • Mr. Bollinger

    Do you think that Goldstein’s followers ever realize that the man spends all of his time screaming that they, and everyone else, must work as hard as possible, so that one never becomes a leech or a moocher – while Goldstein, who apparently is unwilling or unable to find a day job – sits back and supports himself with their charity? I wonder myself. “I gotta give $50.00 to Goldstein this month, honey, else he might have to work for a living.”

    • SEK

      Do you think that Goldstein’s followers ever realize…

      No.

    • Timb

      Do you think Goldstein really listens to Mark Levin and believes all the doomsday talk? Do you think that if the 2005 war blogger, “there’s-a-terrorist-behind-every-corner-and-can-do-whatever-he-wants-to-kill-him” Goldstein ever met the 2013 OMG-the-liberal-fascists-are-coming-for-our-guns-because-government-is-the-enemy Goldstein that each of them would scream poseur and then argue over who is more buff, before retiring to cyber stalk people on wrestling listserves

      Or

      Would they wrestle each other over who is less loved by Michele Malkin?

      • Mr. Bollinger

        I wasn’t around then to enjoy the madness of Iraq War-era Goldstein. My loss, because I imagine he was hilarious.

        • Timb

          Just imagine all the gun bs being directed at the media for being “soft on terrorists” and you’ll have some idea. To be fair, though, that’s when I commented there and, reading his post on Obama claims he can use military power/drones against Americans, I was over-whelmed with how stupid it was. He begins with an easily demonstratable lie/false assertion and then slides into whiny victimhood in one sentence. I can’t imagine being interested enough in him to comment now. I’ve got to stop clicking on memeorandum links

      • Origami Isopod

        Would there be hatesex?

  • Generosity is not merely a moral obligation, but is necessary to the success of any cooperative enterprise. However great our personal qualities, however tireless our labors, none of us can succeed without the willing assistance of others. And such assistance is hard to obtain unless people are recognized and rewarded for their help.

    Apparently they didn’t build that.

    • Did Hugo Chavez write that, or was it Castro?

    • Jewish Steel

      To each blogger according to his needs…

  • Why would anyone give money to Jeff Goldstein? He doesn’t produce anything, he doesn’t do any kerning or investigate anyone’s countertops. I can understand, if I was a crazy person, giving money to Michelle Malkin or Instapundit or whatever, but Protein Wisdom is just Goldstein and a few of his psychopath buddies writing surly, paranoid, hostile rants. Even if I agreed with him, I can’t see how you could like him.

    • Mr. Bollinger

      I’m sure that part of the guy’s appeal. He offers his few dozen followers an exclusive club that they and only they belong to, so that they can glance around at their spittle-flecked faces and say, guys, we’re the only ones who get it. They remind me of Bauhaus fans back in the eighties in that they would be crushed if anyone else in school started listening to Bauhaus, because it’s their little secret.

      I do find it hilarious whenever Goldstein bitches that his little blog has been “marginalized” or “ignored” by the right-wing establishment. You just want to shake him by the shoulders and wake him up. Your blog is a bare-bones affair. It looks like something a college kid would have for offhand rants, not something that a “serious” blogger would have after ten years of “work.”

      And lest we forget, the creepy bastard changed the words of a liberal professor who commented on his site to make it appear as if he was saying racist things. If nothing else serves as a quarantine barrier between Goldstein and larger fame, it’s that he changes the comments of his commenters to reflect his own vile views in order to attempt to smear them. As far as I know you can’t be a real mainstream blogger and do that. Even Michelle Malkin and Breitbart’s Ghost have some integrity.

      • cpinva

        “Even Michelle Malkin and Breitbart’s Ghost have some integrity.”

        no, no they don’t. lying is not, in the normal world, considered as having “integrity”.

        • spencer

          I think they would at least consider doing that if they thought they could get away with it.

      • spencer

        They remind me of Bauhaus fans back in the eighties in that they would be crushed if anyone else in school started listening to Bauhaus, because it’s their little secret.

        That was exactly why I started listening to Bauhaus back then – just to annoy those people.

        • Shakezula

          Wait. Are you serious? How can one be that lame and listen to Bauhaus?

          • rea

            Very easily. They just don’t understand it.

    • Timb

      Worst part is that everyday since 2011, it’s the SAME surly rant juxtaposed around Darleen’s racist cartoons

      • Mr. Bollinger

        So true. He’s going to write the same rant about “semiotics” and “kernel assumptions” and “hermeneutics” until those darned libs stop changing the meaning of his precious words. His ability to write twisted, labyrinthine sentences of dubious construction does seem to keep his minions entertained. He’ll never stop.

    • herr doktor bimler

      Why would anyone give money to Jeff Goldstein?

      Those night-vision goggles won’t buy themselves.

    • libarbarian

      Before Goldstein’s kid went to school, his “I’m not an unemployed failed academic, I’m a stay-at-home dad” schtick was at least plausible.

      Now that his kid is like 10, it’s just a pathetic and failed cover for “I’m so selfish I would rather sit on my ass all day than and beg people for donations to buy me a gun than actually work to earn money to help send my kid to college”.

      The man is a professional failure with deep insecurity issues and a violence fetish. I’m sure this is going to end well.

      • Mr. Bollinger

        Yowch!

        I think the worst day of Goldstein’s life isn’t going to be if his wife leaves him for a guy with a paycheck. It won’t be when his kids are old enough to sass him and call him uncool. It’s not going to be when anyone dies. No, the worst day in this man’s life is going to be when he looks back at 15-20 years of angryand insane blog postings and realize that he could have used that time to do something worthwhile. He could have gone to engineering school. He could have written 3-4 books. He could have learned to play guitar or some other instrument. (Maybe even a mandolin.) Instead, he’ll be left with nothing to show for his most productive decades except for a few gigabites of whining and moaning. Oh, look, his many 2004 Swift Boat rants against Kerry? My, those have only gotten better with age.

  • Anonymous

    Sadly for McCain, there just isn’t as much money in writing about how the 16th Street Baptist Church boming victims had it coming than he had hoped.

    • Timb

      Or how the world is unfair because he and his brood can no longer live in their church’s basement

  • catclub

    I thought this post was just another version of HenryV’s speech at Harfleur.

    Be nice or the kitten gets it.

  • A couple of years ago I saw one of RSMcC’s more abject posts about his real financial circumstances. I forget the particulars, but a lot of it was about how truly without money he was, and how he had been hard done by, and how he was not supported by His Comrades…

    I had a snarky post about it all set to go but ended up deleting it. I play an asshole on the Internet, but I do have actual limits.

    They all really believe in the Big Payday.

    To close the circle — they are all fascinating characters in the brilliant David Mamet play that David Mamet would write if David Mamet hadn’t become a David Mamet character.

    • I’d have more sympathy if it were not for their deeply-held and often-stated belief that they are deserving while others in similar circumstances are mooching scum.

    • Timb

      I understand our reluctance, but, personally, unlike Union troops in the 1870’s, I want to finish the job of grinding neo-Confederates into the ground. Bad enough their grifters-as-political-movement route controls the Supreme Court and one house of Congress.

    • cpinva

      i know this is harsh (and likely a symbol of my libtardedness), but why don’t they just try and get an actual paying job, to support their blog hobby? surely, as smart as they are, some conservative “think tank” would be ready to welcome them with open arms, and a paycheck, no?

  • John Cain

    I’ve been very happy in Aaron Worthing’s digging into your abuse bythe Donalde since you (rightly) came to his defense during the Brett Kimberlin fiasco.

    Oh wait…that didn’t happen.

    • SEK

      You do the right thing because it’s right, not because you expect anything in return. That’s not to say you can’t be disappointed, though.

    • Timb

      Worthing and Kimberlin….how any rational person takes a side in that con job was and is beyond me

  • Anonymous

    I wouldn’t call Mission Hills part of the Inland Empire…

    • SEK

      Nice catch, but that’s not the commercial I’m talking about … which means there are two incredibly creepy commercials of this sort.

  • herr doktor bimler

    Are you some kind of Commie bolshevik pinko sympathizer, or are you gonna do something to help these guys in the fight?

    You know who owns an Ajax Freezer? Fairies own Ajax Freezers! You know who owns a Triplecold Freezer? Commies own Triplecold Freezers!

  • The history department of the University of Ghana needs more computers, printers, a scanner, and a generator. I won’t threaten to kill any kittens, but nobody else is going to criticize Obama’s foreign policy towards Africa.

    • Timb

      Uh, Chomsky ill

      • Timb

        “I’ll”

        • Timb

          “Will”!!!!!!!!!!!

          Why does my autocorrect help me 90% of the Ike and let me down –embarrassingly –the other 10?

          • Malaclypse

            Why does my autocorrect help me 90% of the Ike and let me down –embarrassingly –the other 10?

            Awesome. But you may want to rethink percentages.

            • Timb

              Well stated! Typing after waking needs SUPER auto-correct, able to proofread in a single bound

            • bexley

              I like 90% of Ike

      • I was not aware he was sick. I hope he gets better.

        • timb

          He is very old AND still willing to criticize American foreign policy in Africa without asking for printer’s and the such.

          • Well I like Chomsky, but he did have a bit of a resource advantage working at MIT regarding printers and the like that the history department at U of Ghana does not have.

            • You should hold a bake sale to raise funds, do they make cassava cakes in Ghana?

        • Malaclypse

          He’s still doing it Chomsky Style.

  • ChrisTS

    Sweet Somebody: he actually is begging for money on the internet.

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