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Today In World-Class Virgin/Whore Complexes


Sorter K-Lo:  Beyonce has a sexuality and she’s a mother?   Gross!

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  • rea

    Well, how, exactly, did she think Beyonce became a mother?

    • McAllen

      Well obviously the ideal way would have been for her to have immaculately conceived, but baring that she should have laid back and thought of England America.

      • UberMitch

        Time for Catholic pedantry! The immaculate conception refers to the conception of Mary herself, free from original sin but still conceived via good old fashioned sex. Mary herself becoming pregnant with Jesus but without taking the d first is the distinct concept of the virgin birth.

        • mark f

          “Yay! Time for Catholic ped . . . antry? Oh.” – priests

        • wjts

          When I was a kid, I thought that the Immaculate Conception meant that when Mary gave birth, there wasn’t any mess.

          • MAJeff

            It was transubstantiation. The loaf of bread the Josephs were hanging onto became the body and blood of baby Jesus.

            • wjts

              Contratransubstantiation, surely, with the placenta and uterine blood becoming a delicious snack of bread and wine for the visiting shepherds and leaving no unsightly residues?

              • MAJeff

                Isn’t that shepherd’s pie?

                • wjts

                  So that’s where that name came from!

            • chris y

              “Mary, I think this wine is corked – it tastes salty and there are bits in it.”

          • Harry Roate Jr., from Scarsdale

            “I thought that the Immaculate Conception meant that when Mary gave birth, there wasn’t any mess.”

            No, that would be the Immaculate Birth. I’m sure she still had to sleep in the wet spot.

      • efgoldman

        Well obviously the ideal way would have been for her to have immaculately conceived…

        I think that’s supposed to be reserved for the white wimmins.

    • Warren Terra

      Someone needs to sit her down and have The Talk.

      Also: I’ve seen a lot of commentary over the years that insinuates that K-Lo is so vocally disapproving of all other women’s sexuality because she is saving herself for Jesus. Turns out, she was saving herself to become Mary, instead.

      • Anonymous

        Related: wasn’t it Tbogg who said something like, some people chose virginity, some people have it thrust upon them?

        • MAJeff

          My sister (ordained in the United Methodist Church): “chastity by default is not a virtue.”

          I think she’d go on to say that chastity itself has nothing to do with virtue.

          • Mike F.

            My Mom had a cross stitch hanging over the headboard of their bed for as long as I can remember: “Virtue is it’s own punishment”

    • Joe

      There was an ad about that. Something about aliens.

    • Halloween Jack

      There’s this scandalous rumor that she slept with a black man.

  • Anonymous

    Cause, meet effect. Effect, this is cause. Glad you guys have a relationship now.

  • DrDick

    K-Lo cannot stand the thought of anyone else having fun when she is not. She also hates the fact that Beyonce makes her feel inadequate.

    • Derelict

      Just because K-Lo’s only two boyfriends are called Buzz and Woody, and both require D batteries, is no reason to think she’s jealous or something.

      • Anonymous

        … Yeah. Masturbation and fucking real live people are not incompatible hobbies. Nowt wrong with women using toys to get off.

        • The Dark Avenger

          I don’t think that, as a loyal daughter of the RCC, she’s ever experienced any ‘self-exploration”, if you know what I mean.

    • laura

      I don’t think this is quite the right interpretation of K-Lo. K-Lo just chose a certain way to live and is too dumb to understand why other people might choose a different way unless they’re Big Sinners.

      • BigHank53

        Close, but no cigar. K-Lo has chosen the best way to live and is deeply resentful of everyone who isn’t living that way.

        • laura

          lol, yes, there’s no doubt she thinks it’s the best way.

        • DrDick

          K-Lo thinks fun is sinful and not permitted. It pisses her off that other people are having fun and she wants it to stop.

          • MAJeff

            Sort of like Dagchester: Fun is actually EVIL!

  • Meanwhile John Podhoretz didn’t see why anyone but “mental patients” would have a problem with that “Be brave: molest a stranger” Audi ad.

    • Murc

      That Audi ad made me actually physically uncomfortable.

      • Philip

        The Audi ad was both gross and downright weird.

        • Murc

          Well, it was gross, but it wasn’t weird.

          For both gross AND weird, you need the GoDaddy ad.

          • MAJeff

            GoDaddy I saw. It lived down to the expectations I had going into the game. There are some ad execs whose presence the world would not miss should they off themselves.

            • sharculese

              I see you’re acquainted with the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.

          • laura

            Knowing that GoDaddy hosts barely legal revenge-porn extortion sites makes their ad just that much worse. GoDaddy knows that a subset of viewers watching that ad know it too.

            • gmack

              You know, it’s interesting. My spouse owns a yoga studio and runs her own website. For a few years, she quite deliberately avoided using GoDaddy because of its ad campaigns, and this was in spite of the fact that it has several advantages over the alternatives. I do wonder sometimes whether the folks running this company know that women might want to use their services too.

              • STH

                Yeah, but women are the REAL customers who matter, just like we’re not the REAL voters who matter.

      • MAJeff

        I actually missed the Audi ad. Must have been during the FB chat about beer.

        • mark f

          Dad looks at our poor wretch of a hero, heading to the prom with only his model good looks and his designer tux and no breaks to catch, and pity-lends him the shiny new Audi for the evening. Brimming with new confidence, the hero marches into prom, approaches the queen from behind and spins her around for a surprise deep kiss. The hero then drives the Audi home with a black eye from the prom king and the knowledge that he’ll never be a friendzoned nice guy pussbag again. “Be brave: Audi.”

          • sparks

            Ad would’ve been (barely) acceptable if she was seen as the one who slugged him. Instead, she gets the “ohmigawd, he’s dreaaamy” look.

            • Based on the fact that he was already driving away with a black eye before we see her reaction, I took that to mean that he was imagining that part. But I’m sure Audi wasn’t wanting me to think that.

          • Malaclypse

            Please tell me they did not actually make explicit the stupid creepy friend-zone thing.

            • Murc

              No, they didn’t.

              I’ll say this for the ad, it was competently constructed. It was just awful.

              • CaptBackslap

                I’m pretty confused as to why they felt it was necessary to go the route they did instead of something a bit sweeter (that could still end with dude getting punched).

                Also, when did “friend zone” become associated with creepiness? It’s been around since the mid-90s (from Chris Rock’s tectonically influential special “Bring the Pain”), and suddenly it’s some PUA shit or something? It’s not even gendered–I’m pretty sure it happens to like 90% of humans at least once!

                • Anonymous

                  Apart from the bothersome fact that some straight men can’t fathom a relationship with a woman that doesn’t explicitly or implicitly involve sex or flirtation, thereby incapable of conceiving of an actual friendship and thus requiring some special category like “friend zone,” the phrase became associated with douchebag creepiness when resentful, self-pitying men began to turn the concept into some terrible crime women commit against when they don’t put out enough.

                • CaptBackslap

                  I’m going to go ahead and guess that the majority of dudes who use it that way are, in fact, feather-hatted PUA try-hards?

                  [this may wind up above the comment I’m replying to, since we’ve reached Peak Reply]

                • Tybalt

                  Actually, it’s oozed up through the rotted floor of male entitlement, into (or at least towards) the mainstream.

                • “Friend zone” is really frequently associated with the concept that if you treat women with respect and restraint and don’t shove your manful virility in their faces, you will be permanently deprived of access to sex. It’s certainly always been associated with the idea that women either see men as potential sex partners or friends, never to change their minds.

                  I don’t think the situation where you’re interested in sex with someone who’s only interested in friendship is itself a bad thing to discuss, but “friend zone” is pretty damaged goods at this point.

                • CaptBackslap

                  Once again, today’s lesson is “white people ruin everything.”

                • Anonymous

                  To reiterate: the actual concept of a “friend zone” is, in itself, misogynist.

        • efgoldman

          I actually missed the Audi ad.

          Don’t despair. I saw it this morning on ESPN2. All the super bowl ads will be on ad nauseaum. Also too, there’s this web thingie.

          • Hogan

            Gives a whole new meaning to “ad nauseam.”

    • elm

      Thank God. Most of the people I saw were saying somewhat positive things about that Audi ad, or at least not ripping on it for its pro-sexual-assualt argument. I was actually starting to think I was overreacting to it.

      But now that I see J-Pod defending the ad, I feel more confident in my view that it was loathesome.

      • STH

        It was awful.

  • Dear libertarians:

    You suck. But thanks for the help!

  • Davis

    It was nice to see a that lot of the commenters at NR mocked her. An example: I swear the soundtrack to Kathryn Jean Lopez’s life is sad trombone sound.

    • DocAmazing

      Well, she is undersaxed.

      • Halloween Jack

        Better than being a shameless (s)trumpet.

  • I always thought of Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It) as a conservative pop tune.

    • Murc

      Except that it’s about a women demonstrating her right to be romantically autonomous and that being with one guy doesn’t men he owns her forever.

      I mean, yeah, there’s kind of a conservative side to it. But ultimately it’s about a lady deciding what she wants to do with her lady parts on her own terms, and no matter what other parts of it might seem conservative, that part there will render it anathema to them.

      • That’s a fair way of looking at it. Part of my issue is the semantics – what is the it he’s supposed to put a ring on?

        • Hogan

          If you start pulling on that thread, K-Lo’s whole world is going to come unraveled.

          • Pestilence

            yet another reason to carry on

  • Murc

    On the subject of the Bowl ads in general, I’ll just say that the “So God Made a Farmer” montage would have been genuinely powerful if it hadn’t been used to sell trucks.

    Although I suppose segueing seamlessly from the monologue into pure, blatant commercialism honors Paul Harvey’s spirit more appropriately than anything else.

    • JKTHs

      On the subject of the Bowl ads in general, I’ll just say that I made a conscious not to watch them and mostly succeeded.

      • JKTHs

        Conscious effort, that is.

      • Mark D’ski

        Why?! The commercials are the best part of the whole event! Other than S. F. and Baltimore fans who cares who wins (neither team being your team).

    • DF

      Agreed. Although I wonder how much of my reaction to it is entirely dependent on his voice. I almost feel like Harvey could have read the ingredients to Rice Krispies and I would have felt like he was saying something really profound and important.

      Because damn, that voice had some premium, grade-A gravitas.

    • Really?

      In this neck of the woods we were all “WTF are they selling, a megachurch? Tractors? A weird 1940s version of farming that doesn’t really exist anymore? ArcherDanielsMidland stock?” and then when they got to the truck everybody said “oh, that was a really fucking stupid commercial” and I added “and Paul Harvey is horrible.”

      But I never could stand Paul Harvey, even when he was “popular” so there’s that.

      • Hated Paul Harvey so very, very much. I’d worked in radio for a few years doing news reading at various small-town stations, and it just bugged the hell out of me when his broadcasts would consist of long-debunked urban folklore, interspersed with snarls about brown people. I celebrated very happily when he died.

        • Colin Day

          I couldn’t stand the way he paused.

        • BigHank53

          One of the very first times I heard a Paul Harvey monologue he was telling a story about a guy who was in a dumptruck that got struck by lightning, during which he said, “Rubber tires no longer protect us since we started putting steel belts in them,” which isn’t even wrong. It’s just fucking stupid.

          Rubber tires never protected anyone from lightning. D’you think a bolt of electricity that’s capable of jumping half a mile is going to balk at the last foot ’cause there’s a rubber tire nearby? A car–or a truck cab–is made of steel, which is conductive and forms a Faraday cage. (Boston’s Museum of Science has a great demo of one in their Hall of Electricity, by the way.) But Paul Harvey was sure God was looking out for this poor schlub. Rubber tires. Fucking moron. Good riddance.

          • Halloween Jack

            Paul Harvey always struck me as essentially being Andy Rooney on ‘ludes.

      • gmack

        That was pretty much my reaction too. Clearly the commercial was effective to a point; it was memorable, with effective imagery, etc. But the stuff was, in my view, way over the top. The sentimentality was so thick that it just felt manipulative. And man, the payoff aggravated me. Indeed, the commercial explicitly acknowledged that it’s not selling trucks to actual farmers, but to the “farmer in all of us.” Using the idealized images of the working farmer to get a bunch of exurban dudes to identify with farming (by buying pickup trucks they don’t actually need, of course!) just felt a few steps beyond the normal cynical and sentimental crap we usually see.

    • tucker

      Except the ad is fundamentally dishonest. American farming doesn’t look like that anymore except for the post-hippie, organic, back to quality foods movement and they’re all DFHs so you can’t show them.

      • BigHank53

        Most of the farmers I know buy their pickup trucks used, usually from some urban dude that “never took it off-road”. That’s if they need a truck at all. Used DHS vans seem to be popular too. High mileage, but they’ve been well maintained and they’re never more than three years old.

    • djw

      Commericialism aside, I find the premise that farmers are inherently more virtuous than the rest of us worthy of a fair amount of resistance.

      • Cato the Censor

        Well, farmers are more virtuous than the rest of us, or the rest of you anyway. And it is also my opinion that Carthage must be destroyed . . .

        • Lucius Quinctius Cincinnatus

          I agree with most of that, but let’s deal with the Sabines first.

          • Romulus

            The womenfolk won’t allow us to mess with the Sabines. Damn in-laws …

        • Timb

          You could have called yourself “Jefferson” and been more historically relevant, although you’d have to come up with a different catchphrase….something like “where’ll all the black women”?

    • penpen

      Paul Harvey, moral monster:

      Following New York’s September 11th Pearl Harbor, Winston Churchill was not here to remind us that we didn’t come this far because we are made of sugar candy. So, we mustered our humanity, we gave old pals a pass. Even though men and women from Saudi Arabia were largely responsible for the devastation of New York, Pennsylvania, and our Pentagon, we called Saudi Arabians our partners against terrorism and we sent men with rifles into Afghanistan and Iraq – kept our best weapons in their silos. Even now we stand their dying, daring to do nothing decisive because we declared ourselves to be better than our terrorist enemies. More moral. More civilized. Our image is at stake, we insist.

      We didn’t come this far because we’re made of sugar candy. Once upon a time, we elbowed our way onto and across this continent by giving smallpox-infected blankets to Native Americans. That was biological warfare. And we used every other weapon we could get our hands on to grab this land from whomever.

      And we grew prosperous. And yes, we greased the skids with the sweat of slaves. So it goes with most great nation-states, which–feeling guilty about their savage pasts–eventually civilize themselves out of business and wind up invaded and ultimately dominated by the lean, hungry up-and-coming who are not made of sugar candy.


      • Probably sounded better in the original German.

      • wengler

        Old school racial toughness. This was a big deal back in the 1800s when Harvey was growing up.

    • efgoldman

      As soon as I heard the word “god” in Zombie Paul Harvey’s voice, I knew whatever it was would suck. God doesn’t care who wins football games, and it doesn’t care what kind of truck you buy.

  • Uncle Ebeneezer

    Ms. Lopez, I hate to question your expertise but a quick scan of the internet appears to show that your distaste for combinations involving mothers and sex is not quite unanimously shared by the rest of society.

  • Has K-Lo ever seen Bouncy before? She always wears sexy, leg-baring outfits. I mean, she’s a beautiful young entertainer. (Although I’d be perfectly cool with her not trading on her sexuality and good looks. I kinda don’t give a shit either way.)

    What century is K-Lo living in again? I want to get angry, but sometimes she just makes me…sad.

    • MAJeff

      OK, I see you using “bouncy” too. I’m trying to remember what comedy sketch I picked that up from? Clues?

      • I’ve tried to remember where I first heard it, too, and I can’t.

        • MAJeff

          OK. Not just me. Was killing me during the game last night.

      • One day she’ll have a “best of” album titled Meaty Beaty Big and Beyonce.

        • Pestilence

          Who dat

    • rea

      It is, of course, completely unprecedented in the history of Western Civilization for a performer to trade on his or her good looks . . .

  • She might pull a Budd Dwyer if she ever hears the acronym MILF.

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