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The Next Front in the Republican War on Women: The War on Orgasms

[ 76 ] February 23, 2013 |

Hmm, I’d have to say that if the hot new young Republican position is to oppose (female) orgasms, this is excellent news for Democrats.

A colleague at Allegheny notes that the talk taking the highly controversial pro-orgasm position — why wasn’t someone invited to give the opposing view!?!?!?!?!?! — didn’t actually take place in a “church”; it’s a former chapel that is used for all kinds of programming, secular and religious. But it’s beside the point; no matter what the setting, the fact that Fox and the Daily Fail seem to agree that college students hearing experts talk about sex is somehow problematic speaks for itself. Speaking of fail, William Jacobson’ auxiliary site “Reports on College For Wingnuts Who Find David Horowitz Too Measured and Highbrow” is all over this important story as well. I mean, first you have a discussion with college students about sex, and next thing you know they might find out that there are other condiments out there besides French’s mustard and Miracle Whip, and it will be anarchy. Won’t someone please THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

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  1. MAJeff says:

    I love how Bill Donahue inserted himself into the situation. The world will be a better place when that putrescent blowhard is no longer in it.

  2. Erik Loomis says:

    That dijon mustard rant is really a classic of the genre.

    • Scott Lemieux says:

      Col. Mustard is very, very special. Although I feel he has not devoted sufficient attention to the question of whether Barack Obama drinks coffee like the elitist snob he is.

    • djw says:

      The original post (with all the insane updates) is great, but it’s the followup post–a thousand words of earnest speculation on What It All Means that the left blogosphere is freaking out about “dijongate”–that still leaves me completely in awe.

    • Incontinentia Buttocks says:

      He was just trying to recapture the glory of 2004, when the right convinced itself it had defeated John Kerry by criticizing his cheesesteak cheese choices.

    • RhZ says:

      Nobody should tell him about Finnish mustard, it would blow his mind (and taste buds).

      Man, I miss that stuff.

      • blowback says:

        You should try Colman’s mustard powder (don’t bother with the premixed mustard) mixed with an equal quantity of cold water (it must be cold water) and left to stand for ten minutes before consumption. Not safe for anyone with coronary heart disease particularly if you slap it on as you would French’s.

    • blowback says:

      They do know that Grey Poupon is manufactured in Connecticut?

  3. c u n d gulag says:

    The only thing Republican men know about female orgasms, is that they’ve never seen one in person.

    And one of the things that Republican women know about female orgasms, is that they’ve never had one with a Republican male.

  4. Andrew says:

    http://catholicvote.org/discuss/index.php?p=43046

    Promote this link far and wide to get people to start questioning why the Catholic Church has so much influence as it does.

    • Hogan says:

      No, the pseudo-Augustinian blowhard is right. This open discussion of self-abuse on holy ground just cheapens and coarsens the sacred act of church sex between a priest and an altar boy,

      • gocart mozart says:

        Yes, the Catholic Church believes that masturbation is a sacred act and therefore requires the presence of at least on one altar boy whenever it is performed.

    • Murc says:

      Er… people wonder why the Catholic Church has influence?

      It’s a hierarchical organization that has, at least nominally, the largest single religious denomination in the country as members. It’s rich. A lot of said members, nominal or not, think very fondly of it.

      Not a giant mystery.

      • calling all toasters says:

        Also, too, magical powers against vampires and demonic possession.

        • efgoldman says:

          Also, too, magical powers against vampires and demonic possession.

          Must be true. i live in Rhode Island, “the most Catholic state in the nation” (self-identified) and we haven’t had a vampire ore demonic possession as long as I’ve been here.

          • Another Halocene Human says:

            Isn’t it funny how RI, teh most catolick state, has still not taking JPII and Benedict’s statements to heart about poverty and justice? RI has the lowest min wage in New England (except maybe NH), and basically lags on everything, including the regressiveness of its tax policy. You know when you cross the border into RI because it suddenly looks like a shithole. Having those heirs and heiresses comes at a cost–a devastated economy, rampant poverty, and all the social ills that breeds.

        • herr doktor bimler says:

          The “power against vampires” is more legal than ‘magical’. Lesser vampires don’t want to mess with the Big Guy by poaching his property.

      • DocAmazing says:

        The power of demographics compels you!

    • commie atheist says:

      A great message? Dear Lord, spare us. Masturbation turns one in on oneself, makes others nothing more than objects of fantasy and denies their real personhood, turns one’s own sexuality into an object of pleasure rather than a gift to give to a spouse, coarsens one in real relationships, rejects the unitive nature of sex, and becomes addictive.

      See, I don’t get this. You’d think that if they really wanted people to stay celibate before marriage, they would ENCOURAGE masturbation as a way of releasing sexual tension, and avoiding the temptation of pre-marital sex. And that list of reasons for not doing it make a compelling case for fucking someone whenever you get the urge, whether married or not.

      (Of course, anyone who’s actually masturbated know that’s all bullshit – you can become addicted to anything that brings you pleasure, and masturbating certainly doesn’t prevent you from also pleasing a partner. Apparently the author is unfamiliar with the concept of mutual masturbation.)

      • commie atheist says:

        Even better:

        If you are Catholic you reject masturbation as a grave offense against the gift of sexuality (CCC 2352), one of the greatest gifts given us by God, to enflesh the union of the spouses in Holy Matrimony and bring forth new life.

        I’m going to find a way to use “enflesh” in everyday conversation.

  5. blowback says:

    I think you misunderstand the average Daily Mail online reader here. Almost all British readers perusing this article would think “those wacky red neck conservative Americans upset that women should discuss orgasms”, remind him or herself that he/she is fucking glad that he/she does not have to put up with such batshit craziness and go back to reading about those dozy twats from TOWIE.

  6. FMguru says:

    Reminds me of this: “The sex instinct will be eradicated…We shall abolish the orgasm. Our neurologists are at work upon it now.”

  7. gocart mozart says:

    I would just like to go on record as supporting more female orgasms especially amongst college women and please let me know if there is any assistance I can provide. I feel it is what Marx and Alinsky would have wanted.

    • RepubAnon says:

      That’s terrible. I think we should instead examine the thoughts of honored American, US of A authors, such as Mark Twain:

      Protestant parents still keep a Bible handy in the house, so that the children can study it, and one of the first things the little boys and girls learn is to be righteous and holy and not piss against the wall. They study those passages more than they study any others, except those which incite to masturbation. Those they hunt out and study in private.
      Read more at http://quotes.dictionary.com/subject/masturbation?page=2#LBHgiypz8DqDm26j.99

  8. MikeJake says:

    God made female orgasms, and God don’t make no junk.

  9. Edward Furey says:

    There are any number of documented instances of Catholic chaplains using the hoods of jeeps as altars for celebrating Mass in combat zones. God only knows what else went on in those jeeps or who they were used to provide lifts to, other than The Troops.

  10. J.W. Hamner says:

    Now, I get that Jesus thought that lusting after somebody was the same as having sex with them… which while a completely ludicrous thing to think… is at least an ethos I guess.

    But what’s wrong with masturbation per se? I mean if your a married Christian and your partner is on a business trip or on a deployment your not even allowed to masturbate while thinking of them?

    That’s mental.

    • DocAmazing says:

      You’re supposed to save it up for the Pon Farr.

    • D. Sidhe says:

      This will make you sad:

      No, you’re not allowed to fantasize about your spouse. That’s still lust. (My priest used to call it “objectification”, as though the Church had any actual complaints about objectification as opposed to plain old lust.) Obviously, you’re not allowed to fantasize about anyboy else. And, no, I’m serious, if you’re not thinking of anyone else, then you’re lusting after yourself, which apparently is gay, again according to my priest when I was growing up. He had more than a few lust issues himself, but we’re discussing theology, not hypocrisy (and worse).

      Mental? Why yes, it is.

  11. BobS says:

    When haven’t Republicans opposed female orgasms?

  12. Crackity Jones says:

    Ah Catholic school. Where I learned Natural Family Planning, and was bullied into going to pro-life protests, which I did my best to sabotage at the tender age of 15.

  13. It’s a university chapel, not St. Patrick’s Cathedral.

    They probably had to bump Rocky Horror for this.

  14. sharculese says:

    This is an outrage. Our universities shouldn’t be wasting time and money teaching kids about sex.

    They should be learning that shit in middle/high school like in normal countries.

  15. LeeEsq says:

    Why would anybody who wants to have sex with a woman, want to have sex with a woman who doesn’t orgasm?

  16. Sly says:

    But we must stop female orgasms, because they might lead to dancing!

  17. Ken says:

    Let me try turning off the italics as a public service:

  18. cpinva says:

    i think donahue got a tad carried away with his zeros. more like a 350 member group. another, increasingly desperate, effort to get some attention, beyond his poor dog.

    • D. Sidhe says:

      Catholic counting: 1, 3, everyone who’s ever been baptized… (In Donohue’s case, everyone who’s ever been to his website.)

      Never mind that nearly everybody is baptized as an infant, and that it would be more reasonable to count only those who have been confirmed (baptism: my parents affirm my religion, confirmation: I affirm it) though given the young age at which it happens and the extreme pressure to be confirmed, it’s still problematic. But again, Catholicism, like many conservative religions, tends to be iffy on “consent”.

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