Mrs. Malkin, giving in can be wrong.

The other night I dreamt I was nine years old, on stage, singing “There’s No Easy Way Out” for assembled parents on the last day of summer camp. It was a horrifying dream made all the worse by the fact that it was a memory. My camp counselors forced me to belt out songs from the Rocky IV soundtrack because, I assume, they are terrible human specimens.

Just the worst.

But as humiliating as it is to admit to having been some failed lifeguard’s dancing monkey, I take comfort in knowing that I didn’t choose to sing that song or the Diet Coke jingle that preceded it: a seventeen-year-old man-child made me do it because of something he mistook for “reasons.”

All of which is only to say that Michelle Malkin’s parents need to sue whatever camp they sent her to for this:

YouTube video

I mean, her counselors even made her title it a “parody video,” like they knew how few mad props and scrip dividends her version of “Raise of the Roof” would’ve netted at the next PTA meeting sans the signposting. Or with it even. But when I watch that video — which I only did once, for the purpose of research — all I see is this:

YouTube video

SHE’S NOT CRYING. SHE’S NOT CRYING.

Except obviously on the inside, which is almost enough to make you feel sorry for her.

Almost.

123 comments on this post.
  1. SEK:

    Before you snark, let it be known that they’re all funny, and not in that “I’m not crying” way. For seriously.

  2. Kurzleg:

    Link is broken, I think.

  3. c u n d gulag:

    ZOINKS!!!

    That’s so bad and over-the-top, I’ll call that “jumping the one who’s jumping-the-shark!”

  4. Dr.KennethNoisewater:

    She’s definitely sublimating her angry dance.

  5. Dr.KennethNoisewater:

    Take your pick.

  6. Sly:

    Question: If American Muslims in the internment camps that Malkin wants to set up were forced to watch this video on an endless loop, would it rise to the level of a Crime Against Humanity, or would it qualify as only a lesser offense?

  7. c u n d gulag:

    Definitely a “Crime Against Humanity.”

    If the people being forced to watch this didn’t try to kill themselves, they’d surely try to blind themselves.

    Thank the FSM she ain’t singin’ in it, too.

  8. Dr.KennethNoisewater:

    Protip for Michelle: if you have to explain the joke, it’s not a good joke. Seriously…”Diggie?”

  9. Uncle Kvetch:

    Never watched the cheerleader video. Never gonna watch this one neither. I won’t. You can’t make me. Never.

  10. Malaclypse:

    I watched the cheerleader video. I learned my lesson. I don’t want these mangoes. Never leave the boat.

  11. nixnutz:

    It’s an ancient meme and the humor seems forced and weak at best (although ultimately that’s a “Beyonce sucks” argument) but I have a long-standing personal motto that says “if you don’t look stupid, you’re not dancing.” And Michelle really embodies that here; she’s going for it and making herself ridiculous in front of the whole internet, I can only applaud that. It’s certainly my favorite thing she’s done.

    Still, I will cleanse my palette with some Candy Johnson.

  12. Davis X. Machina:

    Unless that clip is in fact on that gold-disk thingy attached to the Voyagers, someone needs to be retrospectively fired.

  13. Barry Freed:

    Me Neither. Never. No way. No how.

    And while I am mildly curious if she goes full Gangnam so I know just how bad a train wreck this is, some kind soul will just have to tell me.

  14. Russell Arben Fox:

    She’s still on the internet? Huh.

  15. Timb:

    First, why the wig? Strange creative choice. Secondly, not only s the Prius a huge money maker for Toyota, but the combination of the hybrid engine and the computer makes it impossible to “run out of battery power.” It isn’t, at least in my case, an electric only vehicle.

  16. John:

    The youtube still preview image alone is enough to insure that there is no fucking way I am ever watching this video.

  17. spencer:

    This one isn’t as bad as the cheerleader video. Still, I cannot in good conscience recommend it, particularly if you have any respect for a) dance as an art form, or b) humor in general.

  18. Carbon Man:

    Uh-oh, is SEK being SEEEEEEEEEEEEEXIIIISSSSST!!!!!!?

  19. Barry Freed:

    or c) yourself.

  20. Jonas:

    The Defeatocrat Cheer is better. Not because it is even more stupid, although it is, and not because she couldn’t find a cheerleader outfit and went with Catholic schoolgirl, because, you know, same thing. It’s better because it is shorter.

  21. Malaclypse:

    No.

    Hope that cleared things up.

  22. SocProf:

    The wig is to imitate Michelle Obama. The whole thing is a parody of the comedic dance-off between Michelle Obama and Jimmy Fallon and their “history of the mom dance”.

  23. spencer:

    Don’t expect her to know facts and stuff. She knows what she knows, and that’s good enough.

  24. spencer:

    How could Scott’s commentary be read as sexist?

  25. spencer:

    Yes, that too.

  26. olexicon:

    You have no idea what any words mean, do you?

  27. Pee Cee:

    Don’t discount the notion that she may be enough of an idiot to neglect putting the gasoline into a gasoline-electric hybrid vehicle.

  28. olexicon:

    To follow the “logic” of previous accusations from this numbnuts, it’s talking about a woman in some way so it must be sexist, but calling Sandra Fluke a “slut’ is giood old fashioned American free speech

  29. Michael Bérubé:

    Is troll being trollish?

  30. Dr.KennethNoisewater:

    My question is: Can conservatives ever mock effectively? I mean, it seems like the only thing they’re capable of is taking a liberal idea or meme (or in this case a perfectly innocuous bit of apolitcal humor)and turning it on its head in the most clumsy, lame, ham-handed way possible? Do they have *any* original ideas? Seriously.

  31. witless chum:

    Well, we can all recognize the sexism in treating the bizarre behavior of Michelle Malkin exactly like you’d treat the bizarre behavior of any other grand conservative weirdo.

  32. witless chum:

    Say what you will about Malkin being generally vicious, unpleasant and amoral in her public persona, but at least she’s willing to do odd, vaguely creative things. I mean, it’s not like Glenn Reynolds is going to start doing needlepoint and selling throw pillows that say “heh, indeed.” Would Althouse create a diorama of dolls extolling Scott Walker? Would the Donalde give himself a tattoo of Muslims blowing up?

    I think you have to respect creativity a little bit.

  33. olexicon:

    That Diorama would be made with Whiskey bottles

  34. Anonymous:

    Ahh, I thought she was doing Honey from Doonesbury

  35. Dr.KennethNoisewater:

    Except that it’s really not all that creative. It’s more imitation than creation. What’s more, it’s really poorly done. She never really commits to the bit and it shows.

  36. bexley:

    Clearly the video was a satire of right wing attacks on Michelle Obama. This post merely underlines LGM’s inability to understand humour and Seth MacFarlane’s Michelle Malkin’s brilliance.

  37. actor212:

    I was very disappointed to see there was no “Check The Countertops” dance or “I’m OUTRAGED That Bloggers Did To Me What I Did to a Twelve Year Old Kid and His Family”

  38. actor212:

    Mocking requires a sense of humour.

    The closest they come is raging.

  39. actor212:

    Right? Has there ever been a lamer still?

  40. actor212:

    That would have made a great comment at YouTube

  41. actor212:

    Is the sky overhead?

  42. Dr.KennethNoisewater:

    Sorry for the inexplicable uptalking.

  43. mark f:

    I want to buy your pillow.

  44. sharculese:

    Is she welcome anywhere else?

  45. sharculese:

    You forgot the dumb ad hoc accusation of racism.

  46. sharculese:

    Ann Althouse did force her husband to follow that garbage truck around with a camera while muttering to himself. Does that count?

  47. cpinva:

    no. see: miller, dennis. the closest thing conservatives have to a “comedian”.

    “My question is: Can conservatives ever mock effectively?”

    at minimum, it requires that you have an actual sense of humor, a personality trait no conservative has yet been found to possess. scientists have been researching this for decades. so far, no luck.

  48. mark f:

    Ahahahahaha he also cleaned that statue for 45 minutes after striding manly strides.

  49. mark f:

    Don’t forget Adam Corolla!

    Who, like Craig T. Nelson and Half-Term Himbo Sen. Scott Brown, suffers from “When I was on welfare, anyone bail me out? No,” syndrome.

  50. socraticsilence:

    Now that you mention it, the substitution of the catholic school girl outfit for the cheerleader costume lends itself to two conclusions- that Michelle thinks the two are equivalent and that she had a catholic school girl uniform handy both of which combine to reveal far too much about the Malkin’s private life.

    And now its 9 in the morning and I can’t drink to stop myself from following the above observation to its conclusion…why god why!

  51. Richard Milhouse Nixon:

    I hate you.

  52. Malaclypse:

    So do I, dammit.

  53. socraticsilence:

    Michelle has wigs and a catholic school girl uniform (that she views as the equivalent of a cheerleading outfit- so a male fantasy costume) this is starting to reveal more and more.

  54. socraticsilence:

    Its not quite the same, I mean there is occasionally a sexist or racist tinge to comments on Malkin, though not here obviously and frankly not anymore often than there is a remark about rednecks when talking about say Beck or Limbaugh.

    I’m honestly a bit relieved by these videos as I’ve always classified Malkin as being a true believer. I and I think a lot of others segregate conservative commentators mentally into two camps (with some overlap)- hucksters, who don’t fully or perhaps even partially believe what they’re shilling a phenomenon exemplified best by Coulter or possibly Beck (O’Reilly fits this as well though he might just play up his natural curmudgeonly tendencies- he’s a cranky Chris Matthews) and the true believers like Hannity and Malkin. The dancing makes me less worried she’s going to go all McVeigh at some point.

  55. g:

    The concept is stupid, the execution poor, and the production values suck.

    And the purpose of it is petty and mean-minded.

    Kind of like everything Michelle Malkin does.

  56. Uncle Ebeneezer:

    First a Karate Kid theme song, now Rocky IV*…I’m beginning to notice a strange trend towards 80′s fight-movie anthems in your musical oeuvre, Scott. What next: The Last Dragon, Gymkata? Then again, anyone who has read your vis. rhet. posts could argue that this is an apt description of your spirit:

    In the burning Heart
    Just about to burst
    There’s a quest for answers
    An unquenchable thirst
    In the darkest night
    Rising like a spire
    In the burning heart
    The unmistakable fire

    *A casette type that I confess I almost wore out in my walkman during my futile teen training to try to become the white Spud Webb.

  57. socraticsilence:

    Don’t discriminate based on media, if Ann wants to make a model of the Wisconsin legislature in a Franzia box with a Kendall Jackson speaker and a Sutter home governor we should judge in the results not the materials used to render it.

  58. witless chum:

    Well, I think Donalde’s tattoo would probably end up looking like a cloud of dust and everyone would assume the road runner was up his sleeve or something and Glenn might not do to well without a spell check, but I slightly respect the effort.

    As a person who rarely does anything, perhaps I overrate doing stuff.

  59. The Dark Avenger:

    She probably didn’t get her hair cut for the video because people of Asian descent have hair that grows slowly compared to people of other backgrounds.

    Because of my mixed heritage(Chinese-Scottish-American mutt) I always puzzle barbers when I come in about 4 to 6 weeks later the second time than they expected me to because of my Caucasoid complextion.

  60. JG:

    Conservative attempts at humor inevitably result in no humor but plenty of sneering imbecility.

  61. SEK:

    It’s not my fault I was six to nine years old when when these films were coming out, and that their themes songs lodged themselves in my head accordingly. If it’s any consolation, I’m such a nerd that when, in 1985, I was given my first “jambox” for my birthday, I rushed to the library to consult the big Rolling Stone Guide to Music book. I’d decided I only wanted to play good music on my new “jambox,” which mean only albums rated with five stars. I randomly opened the “R” section, and later that day purchased REM’s Lifes Rich Pagent and The Replacements’ Tim.

    So yes, I know that’s totally random taste, but if you’re going to flip through a big book of tiny reviews, you could do worse than to land on the “Rem-Rep” pages.

  62. SEK:

    Uh-oh, is SEK being SEEEEEEEEEEEEEXIIIISSSSST!!!!!!?

    Absolutely. By mocking myself and comparing her to men who cry, I’m certainly denigrating her womanly core.

  63. Trollhattan:

    Holy moly that clip is eleventy kinds of awesome. And of course, with Vincent Price, because: why not? I’m certain he’d have something to say about Stalkin’ Malkin.

  64. Trollhattan:

    Wordz iz hard; Caps lock iz ezy.

  65. sharculese:

    Yeah that sounds like a pretty fortuitous outcome.

  66. sparks:

    Carolla. Don’t slander a perfectly decent car.

  67. zombie rotten mcdonald:

    You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.

  68. Bill Murray:

    all you’re losin’ is a little mascara

  69. zombie rotten mcdonald:

    I triggered on Marcie from Peanuts. Of course, Honey is based on Marcie….

  70. zombie rotten mcdonald:

    Would Althouse create a diorama of dolls extolling Scott Walker?

    Yes. I suspect it would be with human corpses, though.

  71. DrDick:

    I have watched both. In some ways this makes the cheerleader look good. You chose wisely, young Jedi.

  72. zombie rotten mcdonald:

    My disappoint was that there was no Teleprompter dance, but I figured she couldn’t suss out a way to mime reading.

  73. Woodrowfan:

    yep, it’s better to stay in the boat and wait for the others to return screaming…

  74. sharculese:

    “Doll diorama” is reminding me of one of Roy’s best moments.

    I’m very upset with the liberal media — they’ve obviously spiked my proposal, sent to all major networks, to give McArdle a Sunday morning show called Attend Your Betters, starring her and a bunch of dollies (whom she calls her “Board of Directors”) having tea and telling each other how good it is to be away from the riff-raff.

  75. Dr.KennethNoisewater:

    I WOULD WATCH THAT SHOW.

  76. Dr.KennethNoisewater:

    Welfare for me, but not for thee!

  77. ChesterNut:

    Government is spending 40 percent more than it takes in via taxes.

    Most of this is coming from medical spending; there’s a 10 percent annual increases in medical costs in the private sector since the 1990s, and here we are now while Congress has diddled itself, and so have two successive administrations.

    Congress and Obama should break ALL of the medical monopolies: make medical services and products subjected to Robinson/Patman, along with the anti-trust law. Stop cost-shifting and stop the ability of the medical firms to abuse the law to enforce massive pricing disparities across national borders.

    This would drop the cost of healthcare massively, cut government spending dramatically.

  78. Uncle Ebeneezer:

    Oh I know all about it. My musical influences are equally random. I think a large part of it is due to having formative years that spanned from the late 70′s to early 90′s which featured such a bizarre range of music (classic rock, easy listening/yacht rock & disco to New Wave/MTV pop to hair metal to alternative etc.) and had soundtracks became such a dominant part of our culture, inundating us with catchy Loggins/Survivor tunes.

  79. Uncle Ebeneezer:

    Seriously. This Malkin vid is awful, but pretty par for the course in the standard trying-too-hard way. I can’t think of a single conservative attempt at mockery that I disagreed with but still had to admit was amusing. Stewart/Colbert/30 Rock do a pretty good job of goofing on liberal stereotypes, but I can’t think of any examples done by actual conservatives…ever.

  80. gocart mozart:

    It’s sexist in the same way that comparing Sen. Ted Cruz to Joe McCarthy is racist.

  81. Origami Isopod:

    The phrase “blowing up” is way too visually close to the word “dolls” in that paragraph. And both of them too close to “Glenn Reynolds” and “Donalde.”

  82. Snarki, child of Loki:

    …and probably has more equipment as well…

    Now, if someone went and posted a youtube of Malkin in an orange jumpsuit, with shackles and a ball-gag, THAT would get some attention.

    Or, as one might say, “another saturday night at the Malkin house”

  83. SEK:

    Who wants what with their pancakes? I have blueberries, strawberries, and uni.

  84. spencer:

    Me too.

  85. spencer:

    Mangoes.

  86. Dr.KennethNoisewater:

    Wait. Are you talking about “Atlas Shrugged: Part 2?”

  87. S_noe:

    Liberals are not going to find conservative mocking of liberals funny (most of the time). And the inverse is true, too. If you’re going to enjoy a good mocking, you need to find the thing being mocked somewhat ridiculous, and for intra-group-mockery-appreciation, those instances are going to be pretty specific.

    What we all might be able to agree on is that self-mockery can be hi-larious. The only self-mocking conservative I can think of this second is PJ O’Rourke, but that’s me living in my NPR-listening bubble, probably.

    Still, I think there is probably an imbalance going on, due to the old conservative epistemic closure problem. Theoretically, I might have enjoyed some right-to-left mockery of, say, the Bloomberg soda-size restrictions, but everything like that that came across my radar included something off-putting about the size of Michelle Obama’s butt, etc.

  88. S_noe:

    Okay, is that really a thing? The Internet tells me otherwise.
    (Not a hair racist or anything, but hair growth rates are kind of an issue in my household, as is ethnic origin. Not in a bad way or anything.)

  89. S_noe:

    Ps: Not that I like to use sentences including the formulation “Not that … or anything,” or anything. :(

  90. paleotectonics:

    No.

    Simple answers to etc. etc.

  91. paleotectonics:

    There’s also not stopping the night before.

  92. paleotectonics:

    Darkness falls across the land
    As right-wing creatures strike the band
    Gangnam this and Shuffle that
    Wierd Al did it better Fat
    Children scream and eardrums bleed
    As the Malkin starts to feed
    Leaving naught but tattered skin
    While twitchy fingers, sharp and thin
    Burn the roof by evil hand.

  93. paleotectonics:

    What’s Sunday?
    SchutzStaffel uniform, riding crop, blue contacts?
    And for which one?

  94. mark f:

    Maybe I should go and live in Amsterdam
    in a side street in a big canal
    spend my evenings in the Van Gogh Museum
    what a dream, Van Gogh Museum

    Maybe its time to see Tangiers
    a different life-style some different fears
    and maybe I should be Edinburgh
    in a kilt in Edinburgh

    Doin’ a modern dance
    doin’ a modern dance

  95. sharculese:

    Liberals are not going to find conservative mocking of liberals funny (most of the time). And the inverse is true, too. If you’re going to enjoy a good mocking, you need to find the thing being mocked somewhat ridiculous, and for intra-group-mockery-appreciation, those instances are going to be pretty specific.

    There’s not really any ‘mocking’ going on here, is the thing. There’s an attempt from a humor-deficient rageoid, but it doesn’t really actually make sense.

  96. sharculese:

    See also Jenny’s bizarre new obsession with accusing people here of racism/sexism any time a woman/PoC is criticized.

    There’s a basic lack of understanding of the subject that prevents satire of it.

  97. M. Bouffant:

    “Doing stuff” is fascism. Do something & next thing you know you have a job & are slaving for some parasite. Try not to do anything but breathe.

  98. commie atheist:

    here we are now

    Entertain us.

  99. SEK:

    I’ve always considered myself incredibly lucky in this respect, and pity less nerdy people who did things like “listen to the radio” to acquire music.

  100. actor212:

    That’s simply not true. If a joke is funny, a joke is funny.

    Miller occasionally…and I stress, occasionally…comes up with a doozy. But here’s the thing: he can’t let go of his rage long enough to leave it at that. He feels he has to try and shred whatever point he’s made by extrapolating on it until it becomes distinctly UNfunny.

  101. actor212:

    When he gets to St. Elmo’s Fire, then it’s time to talk with his attending physician.

  102. Substance McGravitas:

    Having said a variety of terrible things about Ms. Malkin – with plans for more! – there is some wording I’d change at the end of the first clause of paragraph three.

  103. actor212:

    What? No love for An American Carol? Team America: World Police?

    OK, maybe not the first, and I didn’t like the latter very much and turned it off for production values, but I’m told Team America has its moments.

  104. Ahistoricality:

    That made the whole comment thread worthwhile. I never thought of that before.

  105. DrDick:

    “May be”????

  106. DrDick:

    Why no, no he does not. Not any of them. Not even “a”, “an”, or “the”.

  107. DrDick:

    I want waffles with fresh huckleberries and real maple syrup!

  108. SEK:

    In which I refer to myself as “a dancing monkey”? Am I being racist against myself?

  109. Substance McGravitas:

    You get turned into a dancing monkey, but not by choice. Therefore, Michelle Malkin is a…what?

    Picking nits out of love.

  110. Chesternut:

    Huh? Have I been irrational?

    That’s probably the most rational things you’ve ever read on healthcare.

  111. SEK:

    That’s like some eleventh-dimensional chess-type stuff there. I infantilized her by comparing her to me, and insulted her by claiming that she did by choice what I was obliged to do, and because of my tendency to self-deprecation, I ended up …

    … I’d say you’re crazy, but then you’d probably ask for my head on a stick, and we all know where that leads.

  112. SEK:

    Your pancakes are very delicious, Mr. Chesternut. I don’t deny that. I just wonder why you want to talk about them here and now.

  113. SEK:

    (Also, the person who says “I just said the most rational thing about X that you’ve ever heard” typically has done nothing of the sort. I’m just saying, presentation matters.)

  114. Anonymous:

    I thought the overarching topic was the debt ceiling; and thus the problem of deficit spending, and thus the topic of spending — which is a topic that heavily involves healthcare.

    ***

    Point taken as per the importance of presentation !!

  115. SEK:

    Team America: World Police is a genuinely great movie, and I won’t have it lumped in with crap like An American Carol. Seriously, “America, Fuck Yeah!” is a Rorschach test that everyone fails, which is why it’s such great comedy.

  116. The Dark Avenger:

    There have been studies that demonstrate a diversity of hair thickness in Asian populations, so that might be why the observations are incomplete because that other factor isn’t taken into account.

  117. Substance McGravitas:

    I don’t think it’s 11 dimensions at all. “Claiming that she did by choice what I was obliged to do” is what I’m saying.

    But I’ll accept an accusation of craziness. Your head won’t end up on something as tasteful as a stick after all.

  118. Uncle Ebeneezer:

    TIVO it even.

  119. Tehanu:

    Not enough brain bleach in the universe to get that thought out of my head. Arggghhh.

    As for “SHE’S NOT CRYING. SHE’S NOT CRYING.,” that’s OK — anybody who watched the video IS crying.

  120. Magatha:

    Whoa, you have read my autobiography and I haven’t even writ it yet.

  121. ddt:

    Yeah, I’m one of those people who thought the best moment in Team America was the house cat playing the role of the giant panther. This is why I am on the internets.

  122. Belle Waring:

    Dude, what? That’s how you got music? I guess it’s way better than the MIT physics nerd this friend of mine was dating who alphabetized his music collection, realized there was nothing in “s”, and went out and bought Supertramp’s greatest hits. He explained that, as we all listened to “The Logical Song” together, and remarked that since then he’d really come to love the band. My ability to not kill him then and there still surprises me to this day. I could have dispatched him with the boombox itself, it being one of those huge ones. I guess I have an unfair advantage, since my parents listened to cool music already. My parents bought the Sex Pistols when they came out! As a kid I listened to every side of every Clash album ever, forever, world without end, amen. I can’t tell you how annoying it was to come home with a Big Star album for the first time (I was like 22!) and have my dad say, as it played, oh, is that Alex Chilton? Yeah, I know that guy. We had a fight so I haven’t talked to him in ages. Me: !!????!!! Dad: no, I don’t feel like it.

  123. Belle Waring:

    When we killed bin Laden I played that song a million times in my store here in Singapore. That may have been impolitic. They way they really lean on “slavery–fuck yeah!!” but fall down on “bed bath and beyond..” is special.

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