Doping in International Ice Fishing?
The Onion comes to life.
I’m encouraged to see that the international sport of ice fishing is taking proactive steps to weed out performance enhancing steroids and human growth hormones, with the United States Anti-Doping Agency providing an official on site in a Wisconsin tavern following the day’s gruelling competition to ensure that the sport is and remains clean. The last thing that we need in our sporting universe is the dark cloud of doping rumor and allegation to destroy the passions of fandom.
I’m not sure which aspect of this story I find more extraordinary, that the US Anti-Doping Agency is working with the United States Freshwater Fishing Federation to ensure that cheats are caught, or that the sport is serious about its application to be part of the winter Olympic Games.
c u n d gulag:
February 24th, 2013 at 7:04 am
Uhm… Shouldn’t it be the FISH that should be tested?
I don’t know what steroids or HGH will do to help someonce catch a fish, but I think checking the fish that are caught for steroids, or FHG (Fish Growth Hormone), might at least make some sense.
And Ice Fishing as an Winter Olympic sport?
Why?
‘Cause Curling is too active and exciting?
cpinva:
February 24th, 2013 at 8:12 am
they do this, to ensure that only the drunks are falling through and drowning themselves, not some skeeve on steroids. that would give the sport a bad name.
frankly, being willing to sit on a 20″ thick sheet of ice, for two days, is pretty solid evidence that maybe you need drugs, of some kind.
max:
February 24th, 2013 at 8:29 am
Aw. C’mon. Sitting out on the ice for days on end, a body needs lots of mass, so why not HGH? Because that’s CHEATING! The right way to do it is to get fat through your own efforts, naturally.
max
['Ideally by eating lots of spicy Cheetos and Cheez Whiz. Because they contain organics, dammit!']
Karen:
February 24th, 2013 at 9:09 am
I was thinking that Cheez Whiz would be popular with this sport because whatever chemicals are used to make it have a freezing point below 20 degrees F. Something like ethylene glycol.
somethingblue:
February 24th, 2013 at 9:10 am
Where is Congress on this??? I demand hearings.
Shakezula:
February 24th, 2013 at 9:24 am
And how are the Friends of Hamas involved? Someone get Tweezers Shapiro on the line, STAT!
lawguy:
February 24th, 2013 at 9:29 am
Well, from college days back in the 60s I would suggest that perhaps weed might be helpful in keeping you still enough to actually participate.
Eggomaniac:
February 24th, 2013 at 9:57 am
I don’t know. The uncontrolled giggling and the rattling of the munchies bag might scare the fish away.
dsn:
February 24th, 2013 at 10:09 am
I’m pretty sure Beer is the PED of choice for ice fishing.
Stag Party Palin:
February 24th, 2013 at 10:34 am
Who will be the Michael Phelps of Ice Fishing? Who will sweep the boards by winning the one-foot round hole, two-foot round hole, 30″ square hole, and two-foot irregular polygonal hole competitions?
And then there’s Synchronized Ice Fishing. I can see about 20 gold medals all in all.
Bill Murray:
February 24th, 2013 at 10:36 am
these days its beta blockers not weed. Nobodies made a film called beta blocker madness
rea:
February 24th, 2013 at 10:45 am
At one point, chess was trying to get into the Olympics as a sport. But the IOC wanted a testing regime for performance-enhancing drugs, and the grandmasters couldn’t think of any drugs that actually worked as performance enhancers, so, no chess in the Olympics. Apparently, ice fishing is going through the same thing . . .
Decrease Marher:
February 24th, 2013 at 10:55 am
In some countries, being an official Olympic sport brings in public money. But you need a testing program to be part of the Games.
I think they did ID some potential PEDs information chess, and they have tested players. Chess was rejected by the IOC which took away the main impulse to test.
efgoldman:
February 24th, 2013 at 2:42 pm
“Did you see that guy? Threw the damned dart right through the board and out the other side of the f-ing wall! What the’ ell’s ‘e on!?!”
“And the Russian has broken through! He laid that pawn down so hard, it cracked the board and the table underneath as well!”
Hogan:
February 24th, 2013 at 2:45 pm
“I’m sorry, your game can’t be part of our International Festival of Sport if PEDs aren’t involved.”
josephus:
February 25th, 2013 at 8:17 am
It’s deep winter. I haven’t seen anything but snow in three months. We gotta amuse ourselves somehow up here in Minnesnowta!
Halloween Jack:
February 25th, 2013 at 11:03 am
Wouldn’t something like Adderall work?