Home / Dave Brockington / Doping in International Ice Fishing?

Doping in International Ice Fishing?

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The Onion comes to life.

I’m encouraged to see that the international sport of ice fishing is taking proactive steps to weed out performance enhancing steroids and human growth hormones, with the United States Anti-Doping Agency providing an official on site in a Wisconsin tavern following the day’s gruelling competition to ensure that the sport is and remains clean. The last thing that we need in our sporting universe is the dark cloud of doping rumor and allegation to destroy the passions of fandom.

I’m not sure which aspect of this story I find more extraordinary, that the US Anti-Doping Agency is working with the United States Freshwater Fishing Federation to ensure that cheats are caught, or that the sport is serious about its application to be part of the winter Olympic Games.

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  • c u n d gulag

    Uhm… Shouldn’t it be the FISH that should be tested?

    I don’t know what steroids or HGH will do to help someonce catch a fish, but I think checking the fish that are caught for steroids, or FHG (Fish Growth Hormone), might at least make some sense.

    And Ice Fishing as an Winter Olympic sport?
    Why?
    ‘Cause Curling is too active and exciting?

    • Stag Party Palin

      Who will be the Michael Phelps of Ice Fishing? Who will sweep the boards by winning the one-foot round hole, two-foot round hole, 30″ square hole, and two-foot irregular polygonal hole competitions?

      And then there’s Synchronized Ice Fishing. I can see about 20 gold medals all in all.

  • cpinva

    they do this, to ensure that only the drunks are falling through and drowning themselves, not some skeeve on steroids. that would give the sport a bad name.

    frankly, being willing to sit on a 20″ thick sheet of ice, for two days, is pretty solid evidence that maybe you need drugs, of some kind.

    • josephus

      It’s deep winter. I haven’t seen anything but snow in three months. We gotta amuse ourselves somehow up here in Minnesnowta!

  • max

    Aw. C’mon. Sitting out on the ice for days on end, a body needs lots of mass, so why not HGH? Because that’s CHEATING! The right way to do it is to get fat through your own efforts, naturally.

    max
    [‘Ideally by eating lots of spicy Cheetos and Cheez Whiz. Because they contain organics, dammit!’]

    • Karen

      I was thinking that Cheez Whiz would be popular with this sport because whatever chemicals are used to make it have a freezing point below 20 degrees F. Something like ethylene glycol.

  • somethingblue

    Where is Congress on this??? I demand hearings.

    • Shakezula

      And how are the Friends of Hamas involved? Someone get Tweezers Shapiro on the line, STAT!

  • Well, from college days back in the 60s I would suggest that perhaps weed might be helpful in keeping you still enough to actually participate.

    • Eggomaniac

      I don’t know. The uncontrolled giggling and the rattling of the munchies bag might scare the fish away.

    • Bill Murray

      these days its beta blockers not weed. Nobodies made a film called beta blocker madness

  • dsn

    I’m pretty sure Beer is the PED of choice for ice fishing.

  • rea

    At one point, chess was trying to get into the Olympics as a sport. But the IOC wanted a testing regime for performance-enhancing drugs, and the grandmasters couldn’t think of any drugs that actually worked as performance enhancers, so, no chess in the Olympics. Apparently, ice fishing is going through the same thing . . .

    • Decrease Marher

      In some countries, being an official Olympic sport brings in public money. But you need a testing program to be part of the Games.

      I think they did ID some potential PEDs information chess, and they have tested players. Chess was rejected by the IOC which took away the main impulse to test.

    • Hogan

      “I’m sorry, your game can’t be part of our International Festival of Sport if PEDs aren’t involved.”

  • efgoldman

    Ice fishing is not the only fringe sport that has embraced drug testing. Competitors in darts, miniature golf, chess and tug of war were all tested in recent years, according to the sports’ organizers and the World Anti-Doping Agency.

    “Did you see that guy? Threw the damned dart right through the board and out the other side of the f-ing wall! What the’ ell’s ‘e on!?!”

    Two minigolfers tested positive for banned substances, out of 76 tested in 2011, according to the World Anti-Doping Agency. That year, one chess player also tested positive, as did two bowlers, eight roller sport athletes and one tug-of-war competitor.

    “And the Russian has broken through! He laid that pawn down so hard, it cracked the board and the table underneath as well!”

    • Halloween Jack

      Wouldn’t something like Adderall work?

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