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BREAKING: Richard III Found Dead

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England’s long national nightmare may be over:

A skeleton found underneath a car park in Leicester is expected to be confirmed as that of Richard III.

The remarkable discovery of the remains, entailing a curved spine back and wounded skull, was made last September.

Since then scientists have been conducting a range of tests to establish whether the remains do indeed belong to the Plantagenet King.

Researchers from Leicester University will hold a press conference on Monday morning where they will present the findings of their investigation.

Let me be the first to set aside my family’s historical Plantagenet sympathies and call for an end to the destructive, six century civil war that has laid England waste. Yorkist dead-enders, lay down your arms!

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  • Randy Paul

    Beneath a car park?

    His kingdom for a decent burial place.

    • Book

      Can you imagine the curse that must have befallen that place?!

      • Randy Paul

        Really!

    • drkrick

      Favorite twitter comment: A king buried under a multistory parking lot? Wrong on so many levels.

      • Leeds man

        +100, as the kids say.

  • LassMichInRuhe

    As a Richard III Truther, I want to know why they are suppressing evidence of a second head-smasher and the discovery of a mallet beneath a fish and chips shop 20 meters away.

    • wjts

      I’m a Truther, too, but am more outraged that the British government continues to suppress evidence that Richard was brutally murdered by Edward V and Richard of Shrewsbury.

      • NonyNony

        And I want to know why the British government continues to suppress the evidence of the reign of King Richard the IV, and continues to present the whitewashed history cooked up by Henry Tudor as “fact” when it comes to the death of Richard III anyway.

        • Breadbaker

          The BBC is part of the British government, yes?

      • Halloween Jack

        I always thought that those little bastards were up to no good.

    • UberMitch

      Pitch doesn’t burn hot enough to melt a hauberk! WAKE UP SHEEPLE!

  • Scott P.

    March on, join bravely, let us to’t pell-mell;
    If not to heaven, then hand in hand to hell.

  • John Protevi

    THIS SHOWS THEY ARE LOOKING IN THE WRONG PLACE FOR JIMMY HOFFA

    • NonyNony

      If Richard III was buried under a car park, does that mean that they need to be looking in Westminster Abbey for Hoffa?

      • expatchad

        +1

      • Halloween Jack

        They should start by looking in “William Shakespeare”‘s tomb. (Shakespeare, as we all know, was really a cyborg sent from the future to kill Sir Francis Bacon and steal his plays.)

        • herr doktor bimler

          And cursed be Halloween Jack that moves these bones.

  • Hogan

    I’ll be in the cold cold ground before I recognize those Welsh upstarts.

  • WHAT ABOUT THE PRINCES? WILL NO ONE REMEMBER THE PRINCES?

  • wengler

    Henry VII is not my king!

  • wengler

    I secretly hope his skeleton was found clutching a note that said “Thanks a lot, Obama!”

    • efgoldman

      And our winner of the intartoobz am….

  • After reading Tey’s “Daughter of Time” decades ago, I did a lot of reading up on Richard III. Tey left out some very very important “evidence” of Dicon’s guilt… still, he sounds like a pretty nice guy, for his times. Seems to me he really had No Choice but to dispose of his nephews, even if he didn’t want to be King: they and their Woodville relations HATED Richard: he wouldn’t have lasted long under their rule. So. Anyway.

    • Richard Hershberger

      “Tey left out some very very important “evidence”…”

      Indeed she did. That book is something of a textbook example of the use of carefully selected evidence to arrive at the desired conclusion. The real stroke of genius was writing it ostensibly as a novel. This provided the built in defense of “It’s only a novel! Sheesh!” thereby rendering all critiques as humorless pedantry, while retaining all the power of persuasion to its cause.

      It had a good run, but my sense is that Richard IIIism is out of fashion. The type that was attracted to it back in the day are now devoting the efforts at pitying condescension of anyone foolish enough to believe that Shakespeare wrote Shakespeare. This too will pass. I am curious to see what comes next.

    • Ed

      still, he sounds like a pretty nice guy, for his times. Seems to me he really had No Choice but to dispose of his nephews, even if he didn’t want to be King:

      We really don’t know enough about Richard to determine what degree of niceness he possessed. Tey’s book was a very enjoyable argument for the defense. Richard may well have had no choice but it’s worth noting the killing of the princes was a shocker in an era one might otherwise think unshockable when it came to bloodshed.

  • Next stop: Plantagenet Park

  • Dickon I mean.

  • Fighting Words

    I guess this really is the winter of our discontent.

  • oldster

    somehow this feels like a missing verse from “A Day in the Life”

    I read a blog today, oh boy…
    they found the missing, twisted tricky Dick
    in Leicestershire, beneath a lot
    they’d seen his spine before
    now they know how many cars it takes to cover up the plot!

    • efgoldman

      Oh my. Silly me awarded the internets to wengler, above, without reading all the way down…
      We shall have to find a consolation prize. Any suggestions?

      • Jameson Quinn

        The combined works of Shakespeare and the Beatles?

        • The Dark Avenger

          “She doth love thou, yea, yea, yea……….”

          • Ahem: “She loves thee, yea, yea yea.” Do a favor for thine own self and rely thee not upon the comic books featuring Thor for thy versions of English that retain a ‘you/thou’ distinction.

            I do/thou dost/he,she,it does/we do/ you do/do.
            He hit me/he hit thee/he hit him; her; it/
            he hit us/he hit you/he hit them

            mine/thine/his; hers; its/
            ours/yours/theirs
            et cetera, I leave the workings out to thee all, regarding thee as friends and equals, and remembering that thou’rt high in my affections. [OMG thee could be plural–but! Yes, to indicate loving informality to a group. cf. “Children come thee all inside, for it is thy suppertime.”] Please don’t fuck this up, o thou my people. It irritates me unduly.

            • Ne, should be a “they” before the last naked “do” in the nominative demonstration bit. I am not a crank.

              • The Dark Avenger

                I was channeling Lennon remembering scraps of Shakespear from his school years, thank you very much.

                • The Dark Avenger

                  Love, love me dost
                  Thou knows that I love thee
                  I’ll always be true,
                  so please
                  Love me dost.

                • OK the “love me dost” is LOLworthy.

                • Nonetheless I’m afraid it’s still “do” in the imperative: “do, thou, come inside, because it is very cold, and thou dost wear only a thong.” “Nu, it is the Folsom Street Fair, thou wish’t me to hide my light under a bushel?”

                • herr doktor bimler

                  As any fule kno.

            • Leeds man

              Maybe I’m amazed that 16th-17th century English were that standardized, wack.

            • chris y

              he/she/it doth/(rarely)doeth

              cf. “How doth the little crocodile/improve each shining scale…”

              • oldster

                yes…the lady doth complain *too* much, methinks.

                (misquoted in order to convey the sense generally misattributed to it).

  • The Dark Avenger

    THERE WAS A SECOND ASSASSIN!

    • cpinva

      ON THE GRASSY KNOLL!

      • catclub

        That is not a knoll, it is a bunchbacked bit of lawn.

      • herr doktor bimler

        In CONCEALMENT!
        He was a knoll coward.

        • Leeds man

          Don’t Let’s Be Beastly To The Lancastrians.

          • sibusisodan

            This thread is full of win.

        • expatchad

          +1 oy

    • rea

      God and your arms be praised, victorious friends,
      The day is ours, the bloody dog is dead.

  • dave brockington

    Finally, we can put the centuries of turmoil and strife behind us, and take our rightful seat at the high table of the world’s great powers. The 21st Century will be the English century.

  • Pingback: Body confirmed to be that of Richard The Third, The Last Plantagenet King of England « The Consulting Detective()

  • Barry Freed

    Quick, has anyone checked to see if Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead?

  • Rob

    I think we can all agree that as long as no stinking Germans sit on the British throne everything will work out.

  • Njorl

    Let’s see … at 3 pounds, twenty per hour for 527 years … that’s nearly 15 million pounds the crown owes that car park.

    • Rob

      Well if the stupid lot didn’t misplace his horse to begin with…

  • Dick Gregory
  • IM

    Yorkist dead-enders, lay down your arms!

    Never! The white rose will rise again!

    (I am a Richard revisionist. And as far as I am concerned Song of Ice and Fire has rehabilated Richard twice: Stannis and Tyrion)

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