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BREAKING: Richard III Found Dead

[ 60 ] February 3, 2013 |

England’s long national nightmare may be over:

A skeleton found underneath a car park in Leicester is expected to be confirmed as that of Richard III.

The remarkable discovery of the remains, entailing a curved spine back and wounded skull, was made last September.

Since then scientists have been conducting a range of tests to establish whether the remains do indeed belong to the Plantagenet King.

Researchers from Leicester University will hold a press conference on Monday morning where they will present the findings of their investigation.

Let me be the first to set aside my family’s historical Plantagenet sympathies and call for an end to the destructive, six century civil war that has laid England waste. Yorkist dead-enders, lay down your arms!

Comments (60)

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  1. Randy Paul says:

    Beneath a car park?

    His kingdom for a decent burial place.

  2. LassMichInRuhe says:

    As a Richard III Truther, I want to know why they are suppressing evidence of a second head-smasher and the discovery of a mallet beneath a fish and chips shop 20 meters away.

  3. Scott P. says:

    March on, join bravely, let us to’t pell-mell;
    If not to heaven, then hand in hand to hell.

  4. John Protevi says:

    THIS SHOWS THEY ARE LOOKING IN THE WRONG PLACE FOR JIMMY HOFFA

  5. Hogan says:

    I’ll be in the cold cold ground before I recognize those Welsh upstarts.

  6. Linkmeister says:

    WHAT ABOUT THE PRINCES? WILL NO ONE REMEMBER THE PRINCES?

  7. wengler says:

    Henry VII is not my king!

  8. wengler says:

    I secretly hope his skeleton was found clutching a note that said “Thanks a lot, Obama!”

  9. KWillow says:

    After reading Tey’s “Daughter of Time” decades ago, I did a lot of reading up on Richard III. Tey left out some very very important “evidence” of Dicon’s guilt… still, he sounds like a pretty nice guy, for his times. Seems to me he really had No Choice but to dispose of his nephews, even if he didn’t want to be King: they and their Woodville relations HATED Richard: he wouldn’t have lasted long under their rule. So. Anyway.

    • Richard Hershberger says:

      “Tey left out some very very important “evidence”…”

      Indeed she did. That book is something of a textbook example of the use of carefully selected evidence to arrive at the desired conclusion. The real stroke of genius was writing it ostensibly as a novel. This provided the built in defense of “It’s only a novel! Sheesh!” thereby rendering all critiques as humorless pedantry, while retaining all the power of persuasion to its cause.

      It had a good run, but my sense is that Richard IIIism is out of fashion. The type that was attracted to it back in the day are now devoting the efforts at pitying condescension of anyone foolish enough to believe that Shakespeare wrote Shakespeare. This too will pass. I am curious to see what comes next.

    • Ed says:

      still, he sounds like a pretty nice guy, for his times. Seems to me he really had No Choice but to dispose of his nephews, even if he didn’t want to be King:

      We really don’t know enough about Richard to determine what degree of niceness he possessed. Tey’s book was a very enjoyable argument for the defense. Richard may well have had no choice but it’s worth noting the killing of the princes was a shocker in an era one might otherwise think unshockable when it came to bloodshed.

  10. Eric Scharf says:

    Next stop: Plantagenet Park

  11. Fighting Words says:

    I guess this really is the winter of our discontent.

  12. oldster says:

    somehow this feels like a missing verse from “A Day in the Life”

    I read a blog today, oh boy…
    they found the missing, twisted tricky Dick
    in Leicestershire, beneath a lot
    they’d seen his spine before
    now they know how many cars it takes to cover up the plot!

  13. The Dark Avenger says:

    THERE WAS A SECOND ASSASSIN!

  14. dave brockington says:

    Finally, we can put the centuries of turmoil and strife behind us, and take our rightful seat at the high table of the world’s great powers. The 21st Century will be the English century.

  15. Barry Freed says:

    Quick, has anyone checked to see if Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead?

  16. Rob says:

    I think we can all agree that as long as no stinking Germans sit on the British throne everything will work out.

  17. Njorl says:

    Let’s see … at 3 pounds, twenty per hour for 527 years … that’s nearly 15 million pounds the crown owes that car park.

  18. IM says:

    Yorkist dead-enders, lay down your arms!

    Never! The white rose will rise again!

    (I am a Richard revisionist. And as far as I am concerned Song of Ice and Fire has rehabilated Richard twice: Stannis and Tyrion)

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