What We Owe Our Readers…

Lawyers, Guns and Money continues to struggle for mainstream respectability. Here is our six seven-part plan for entering the “MSM:”

  1. Sell posting space to the Church of Scientology or religious organization of similar legitimacy.
  2. Hire Charles Krauthammer to write a weekly column.
  3. Commission an article arguing that Sandy Hook Truthers make 9/11 Truthers and JFK Truthers look bad, then take the article down when people complain.
  4. Hire Tom Friedman to write a weekly column.
  5. Develop a series of multimedia presentations on the subject of the First Lady’s Inaugural wardrobe.
  6. Hire Condoleeza Rice as a contributor for our new Sunday morning show, “Suffer Through Your Hangover with the LGM Crew.”
  7. 7. Launch viciously unfair attacks on another academic blogger until he is compelled to remove his insights from the public domain.

I have no doubt that careful adherence to this plan will win us great respect and an even greater fortune. More details about this surefire means of achieving relevance and celebrity can be yours for only $19.99!

76 comments on this post.
  1. Lev @ LibraryGrape.com:

    I look forward to seeing your table at the Aspen Ideas Festival.

  2. Incontinentia Buttocks:

    Hmmm…I can’t open that Salon.com article on good truthers and bad truthers. “Too Many Redirects,” says each of my browsers.

    But I think we all know that THEY DON’T WANT US TO READ IT!!!!!!


  3. Incontinentia Buttocks:

    For those interested, it’s reproduced here in all its inanity:


  4. Ron E.:

    No respectability for you until you also add a Sunday morning talk show with weekly exclusive interviews with John McCain.

  5. Davis X. Machina:

    Not yet. They don’t have enough saliency.

    Saliency is key.

  6. Cody:

    For #5, this is clearly in SEK’s field.

    After his review of that picture of Bill Clinton went over so well, I’m sure a visual rhetoric breakdown of every picture the first lady is in would greatly boost site traffic.

  7. Patrick:

    From what I hear he’s really tough to book though. Very busy schedule and notoriously reclusive.

  8. Dr.KennethNoisewater:

    This is all so silly. What you *really* need is some incredibly talented artist to redesign your banner.


  9. olexicon:


    Get a pair of neato glasses like Wolf Blitzer

  10. Malaclypse:

    It used to be about mocking Mickey Kaus, back before YOU ALL SOLD OUT.

  11. Karate Bearfighter:

    You say you’re going mainstream, and yet right under this post there’s a post claiming that the racism of Southern Democrats doesn’t completely invalidate the modern welfare state. Where’s the balance?

  12. sharculese:

    “Suffer Through Your Hangover with the LGM Crew.”

    I would contribute to a kickstarter campaign to make this happen.

  13. jon:

    All Benghazi all the time.

    And what about the State Dept. sending that clown all around India, also? We demand answers!

  14. Davis X. Machina:

    I liked his early funny stuff.

  15. c u n d gulag:

    Yeah, and it’s too bad Lindsey Graham and Newt Gingrich are also pathelogically shy to the point of being hermits.

  16. olexicon:

    LGM Presents

    ” A look inside the life of the Flying Spaghetti Monster”

  17. Tnap01:

    A site cannot be considered respectable until it’s had Mickey Kaus on it’s payroll for a couple of minutes so you better get searching…

  18. Substance McGravitas:

    I say hire Krauthammer first. Once you’ve established your credibility problem nothing else matters.

  19. Tnap01:

    B(ah)eat me to it :(

  20. c u n d gulag:

    You also need Bill Kristol to author some pieces, in order to display, once again, his sagacity on foreign affairs.
    But this time, to the benefit of LG&M readers, who lack that kind of keen insight from a well-respected and knowledgeable expert.

    And Sarah Palin to appear on the Sunday show, to give Rich Lowry some stars in his eyes, and to discuss domestic issues – especially her vast and expert knowledge of the print news business.

  21. Malaclypse:

    Loomis is clearly the Phil Collins of the later LGM. Bean was obviously the Peter Gabriel of the blog.

  22. herr doktor bimler:

    the Church of Scientology or religious organization of similar legitimacy.

    Aren’t they all of similar legitimacy?

  23. max:

    7. Launch viciously unfair attacks on another academic blogger until he is compelled to remove his insights from the public domain.


    ['It's not academia (or politics) without vicious bickering, is it?']

  24. Anonymous:

    His post on wolves is the “Invisible Touch” of LGM.

  25. Scott Lemieux:

    Let’s be clear: for us, McCain and Lieberman are a package deal. We require both 50 minutes a week. Followed by a panel discussion with David Brooks representing the left and Mark Levin representing the center.

  26. Lector Peregrinus:

    If I may be so bold:

    8. Appoint an “ombudsman” whose role is mainly to congratulate LGM on continuing to present the Beltway consensus as if it were new and exciting.

  27. ploeg:

    Yeah. But for God’s sake don’t spend any money to hire him.

  28. rea:

    Where is John Quiggin when you need him?

  29. rm:

    He takes control and slowly tears LGM apart.

  30. rea:

    Not to mention semenality . . .

  31. Scott Lemieux:

    There’s just not much love to go ’round.

  32. Americanadian:

    I believe that Jeffery Loria would like to buy some space to announce that 2012 has been a banner year for Marlintology, with less talent fewer thetans in the Miami area than ever before!

  33. Njorl:

    I think you should publish something by Farheed Zakaria, or at least something with his name on it.

  34. Colin:

    The more pressing question is…who/what is the “Mike and the Mechanics” of this crew?

  35. The Dark Avenger:

    One word: Plastics.

  36. Bill Murray:


  37. Bill Murray:

    They could pay for an LGM banner on his wheelchair

  38. jon:

    You have to work pretty hard to get down to that level. Which makes them perfect companions down in the bunker.

  39. jon:

    So, you’re just too lazy to urn over the rock that Dick Morris resides beneath?

  40. Warren Terra:

    Some of the bullet points above make you doubt the role of sapiency.

  41. Halloween Jack:

    How can you just turn and walk away, when all he can do is watch you leave?

  42. wengler:

    Blowing goats will only get you so far.

  43. wengler:


  44. commie atheist:



  45. Warren Terra:

    I found “Hire Charles Krauthammer to write a weekly column” to be unclear. Is he being hired to write a column each week, or is he being hired to write one column, which will be re-run weekly? Because I suspect his audience might be satisfied with the latter …

  46. commie atheist:

    I believe that the 60+ comments on that post by J. Otto Pohl provides all the necessary balance.

  47. Erik Loomis:

    I feel like I should have role in this agenda, but I can’t quite pin it down. Thoughts?

  48. DrDick:

    There is a difference?

  49. Bexley:

    You can be the former lefty who is now outraged over Chappaquiddick.

  50. Lector Peregrinus:

    Why, you would naturally be language police.

  51. TimE:


  52. Bexley:

    I suggest hiring JenBob’s multiple personalities. That way you can get several weekly rightwing columns under different names for the price of only one unhinged nutjob.

  53. Timurid:

    You’re watching The Very Serious People Channel.

  54. elm:

    “Crumpled bits of paper
    Filled with imperfect thoughts
    Stilted conversations
    I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got
    You say you just don’t see it
    He says it’s perfect sense
    You just can’t get agreement
    In this present tense
    We all talk a different language
    Talkin’ in defense”

    After today’s performance, Imma gonna go with J. Otto on this one.

  55. elm:

    I will gladly take the job of LGM lickspittle, uh, um, I mean ombudsman!

  56. Kathleen:

    Leverage the synergies of your LGM brand by offering webinars on Effective Brow Furrowing For Fun and Profit.

  57. Fats Durston:

    That’s Mike + the Mechanics.

  58. Erik Loomis:


  59. Paul Campos:



  60. Rarely Posts:

    He also would cover the requirement that you hire at least one person who hates rationalizes discrimination against gay people. Otherwise, you’re not taking our moral traditions seriously.

  61. rm:

    I remember all internet traditions — how could I ever forget?

  62. Jeremy:

    Interesting, little-known trivia about John McCain: during the Vietnam War he spent five years in a POW camp. Never talks about it, though.

  63. Colin:

    I’m ok with having not gotten that 100% correct.

  64. Scott Lemieux:

    We will not rest until we get Ted Kennedy’s head on a pointed stick.

  65. jkay:

    Except you’re totally missing the right Friedman angle – it’s gotta be its own reality show. “Hunting the Moustache.” You know we’ll accept nothing less.

    And we need the Israeli Lieberman, too, or maybe every Lieberman in the world – your choice…

    But, despite all you’re being wrong, I’m willing to generously subscribe to your newsletter for a mere 19999 quatloos, anyway.

  66. Linnaeus:

    There must be some misunderstanding.

  67. Aidian:

    What, no mention of David Gergen?

  68. Bill Murray:

    that’s the look that first made his heiress wife fall or him. and really who can resist puzzled, moustachy bemusement

  69. rea:

    “Woke up, fell out of bed,
    Dragged a fork across my head . . .”

    Now we know how many noodles it takes to fill the Albert Hall.

  70. somethingblue:

    Yeah, yeah, very cute. But have you cleared all this with the Blogger Ethics Panel?

  71. Flypaper:

    And ties. He loves ties. Wouldn’t stop talking about ‘em all of last election…

  72. SEK:

    Bah. I didn’t get a single angry email about that post, so it’s innocuous as get-all. That said, if I were to write such a post, all I’d be able to say, nerd that I am, is that I think she might be a Romulan spy.

  73. Malacylpse:

    Nah, BradP brings the necessary pointless contrarianism better than you ever will.

  74. rm:

    I don’t care no more what Loomis say.

  75. jackd:

    The startling resemblance a friend of mine noticed is between the First Lady and Agent 99.

  76. Roger Ailes:

    Are you certain you want to Sully your good reputation?

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