What We Owe Our Readers…

January 23rd, 2013 by Robert Farley

Lawyers, Guns and Money continues to struggle for mainstream respectability. Here is our six seven-part plan for entering the “MSM:”

  1. Sell posting space to the Church of Scientology or religious organization of similar legitimacy.
  2. Hire Charles Krauthammer to write a weekly column.
  3. Commission an article arguing that Sandy Hook Truthers make 9/11 Truthers and JFK Truthers look bad, then take the article down when people complain.
  4. Hire Tom Friedman to write a weekly column.
  5. Develop a series of multimedia presentations on the subject of the First Lady’s Inaugural wardrobe.
  6. Hire Condoleeza Rice as a contributor for our new Sunday morning show, “Suffer Through Your Hangover with the LGM Crew.”
  7. 7. Launch viciously unfair attacks on another academic blogger until he is compelled to remove his insights from the public domain.

I have no doubt that careful adherence to this plan will win us great respect and an even greater fortune. More details about this surefire means of achieving relevance and celebrity can be yours for only $19.99!

Posted in Robert Farley | 76 comments

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76 comments on this post.

  1. Lev @ LibraryGrape.com:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    I look forward to seeing your table at the Aspen Ideas Festival.

  2. Incontinentia Buttocks:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    Hmmm…I can’t open that Salon.com article on good truthers and bad truthers. “Too Many Redirects,” says each of my browsers.

    But I think we all know that THEY DON’T WANT US TO READ IT!!!!!!

    [/snark]

  3. Incontinentia Buttocks:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    For those interested, it’s reproduced here in all its inanity:

    http://stopmakingsense.org/2013/01/23/give-truthers-a-chance-salon/

  4. Ron E.:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    No respectability for you until you also add a Sunday morning talk show with weekly exclusive interviews with John McCain.

  5. Davis X. Machina:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    Not yet. They don’t have enough saliency.

    Saliency is key.

  6. Cody:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    For #5, this is clearly in SEK’s field.

    After his review of that picture of Bill Clinton went over so well, I’m sure a visual rhetoric breakdown of every picture the first lady is in would greatly boost site traffic.

  7. Patrick:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    From what I hear he’s really tough to book though. Very busy schedule and notoriously reclusive.

  8. Dr.KennethNoisewater:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    This is all so silly. What you *really* need is some incredibly talented artist to redesign your banner.

    WAIT.

  9. olexicon:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Also

    Get a pair of neato glasses like Wolf Blitzer

  10. Malaclypse:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 2:14 pm

    It used to be about mocking Mickey Kaus, back before YOU ALL SOLD OUT.

  11. Karate Bearfighter:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    You say you’re going mainstream, and yet right under this post there’s a post claiming that the racism of Southern Democrats doesn’t completely invalidate the modern welfare state. Where’s the balance?

  12. sharculese:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    “Suffer Through Your Hangover with the LGM Crew.”

    I would contribute to a kickstarter campaign to make this happen.

  13. jon:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    All Benghazi all the time.

    And what about the State Dept. sending that clown all around India, also? We demand answers!

  14. Davis X. Machina:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 2:18 pm

    I liked his early funny stuff.

  15. c u n d gulag:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    Yeah, and it’s too bad Lindsey Graham and Newt Gingrich are also pathelogically shy to the point of being hermits.

  16. olexicon:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    LGM Presents

    ” A look inside the life of the Flying Spaghetti Monster”

  17. Tnap01:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    A site cannot be considered respectable until it’s had Mickey Kaus on it’s payroll for a couple of minutes so you better get searching…

  18. Substance McGravitas:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    I say hire Krauthammer first. Once you’ve established your credibility problem nothing else matters.

  19. Tnap01:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    B(ah)eat me to it :(

  20. c u n d gulag:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    You also need Bill Kristol to author some pieces, in order to display, once again, his sagacity on foreign affairs.
    But this time, to the benefit of LG&M readers, who lack that kind of keen insight from a well-respected and knowledgeable expert.

    And Sarah Palin to appear on the Sunday show, to give Rich Lowry some stars in his eyes, and to discuss domestic issues – especially her vast and expert knowledge of the print news business.

  21. Malaclypse:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    Loomis is clearly the Phil Collins of the later LGM. Bean was obviously the Peter Gabriel of the blog.

  22. herr doktor bimler:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    the Church of Scientology or religious organization of similar legitimacy.

    Aren’t they all of similar legitimacy?

  23. max:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    7. Launch viciously unfair attacks on another academic blogger until he is compelled to remove his insights from the public domain.

    Subscribe.

    max
    ['It's not academia (or politics) without vicious bickering, is it?']

  24. Anonymous:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 3:03 pm

    His post on wolves is the “Invisible Touch” of LGM.

  25. Scott Lemieux:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    Let’s be clear: for us, McCain and Lieberman are a package deal. We require both 50 minutes a week. Followed by a panel discussion with David Brooks representing the left and Mark Levin representing the center.

  26. Lector Peregrinus:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 3:17 pm

    If I may be so bold:

    8. Appoint an “ombudsman” whose role is mainly to congratulate LGM on continuing to present the Beltway consensus as if it were new and exciting.

  27. ploeg:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    Yeah. But for God’s sake don’t spend any money to hire him.

  28. rea:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 3:34 pm

    Where is John Quiggin when you need him?

  29. rm:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    He takes control and slowly tears LGM apart.

  30. rea:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 3:42 pm

    Not to mention semenality . . .

  31. Scott Lemieux:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 4:07 pm

    There’s just not much love to go ’round.

  32. Americanadian:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    I believe that Jeffery Loria would like to buy some space to announce that 2012 has been a banner year for Marlintology, with less talent fewer thetans in the Miami area than ever before!

  33. Njorl:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    I think you should publish something by Farheed Zakaria, or at least something with his name on it.

  34. Colin:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 4:09 pm

    The more pressing question is…who/what is the “Mike and the Mechanics” of this crew?

  35. The Dark Avenger:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 4:28 pm

    One word: Plastics.

  36. Bill Murray:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    Manju?

  37. Bill Murray:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 4:39 pm

    They could pay for an LGM banner on his wheelchair

  38. jon:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 4:49 pm

    You have to work pretty hard to get down to that level. Which makes them perfect companions down in the bunker.

  39. jon:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    So, you’re just too lazy to urn over the rock that Dick Morris resides beneath?

  40. Warren Terra:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 5:23 pm

    Some of the bullet points above make you doubt the role of sapiency.

  41. Halloween Jack:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 5:29 pm

    How can you just turn and walk away, when all he can do is watch you leave?

  42. wengler:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    Blowing goats will only get you so far.

  43. wengler:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    KSW.

  44. commie atheist:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!??? The banner is THE ONLY GOOD THIN ABOUT THIS BLOG!?!1!1!

    Harruumhph.

  45. Warren Terra:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 5:46 pm

    I found “Hire Charles Krauthammer to write a weekly column” to be unclear. Is he being hired to write a column each week, or is he being hired to write one column, which will be re-run weekly? Because I suspect his audience might be satisfied with the latter …

  46. commie atheist:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 5:48 pm

    I believe that the 60+ comments on that post by J. Otto Pohl provides all the necessary balance.

  47. Erik Loomis:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 6:12 pm

    I feel like I should have role in this agenda, but I can’t quite pin it down. Thoughts?

  48. DrDick:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 6:37 pm

    There is a difference?

  49. Bexley:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 6:39 pm

    You can be the former lefty who is now outraged over Chappaquiddick.

  50. Lector Peregrinus:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 6:39 pm

    Why, you would naturally be language police.

  51. TimE:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 6:41 pm

    Perfect.

  52. Bexley:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 6:43 pm

    I suggest hiring JenBob’s multiple personalities. That way you can get several weekly rightwing columns under different names for the price of only one unhinged nutjob.

  53. Timurid:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 6:54 pm

    You’re watching The Very Serious People Channel.

  54. elm:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    “Crumpled bits of paper
    Filled with imperfect thoughts
    Stilted conversations
    I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got
    You say you just don’t see it
    He says it’s perfect sense
    You just can’t get agreement
    In this present tense
    We all talk a different language
    Talkin’ in defense”

    After today’s performance, Imma gonna go with J. Otto on this one.

  55. elm:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 6:57 pm

    I will gladly take the job of LGM lickspittle, uh, um, I mean ombudsman!

  56. Kathleen:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    Leverage the synergies of your LGM brand by offering webinars on Effective Brow Furrowing For Fun and Profit.

  57. Fats Durston:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 7:29 pm

    That’s Mike + the Mechanics.

  58. Erik Loomis:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 7:30 pm

    Awesome.

  59. Paul Campos:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 7:41 pm

    Hmmm

    http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b9/Thomas_Friedman_2005_%284%29.jpg

  60. Rarely Posts:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 7:41 pm

    He also would cover the requirement that you hire at least one person who hates rationalizes discrimination against gay people. Otherwise, you’re not taking our moral traditions seriously.

  61. rm:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 7:41 pm

    I remember all internet traditions — how could I ever forget?

  62. Jeremy:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    Interesting, little-known trivia about John McCain: during the Vietnam War he spent five years in a POW camp. Never talks about it, though.

  63. Colin:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    I’m ok with having not gotten that 100% correct.

  64. Scott Lemieux:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 8:40 pm

    We will not rest until we get Ted Kennedy’s head on a pointed stick.

  65. jkay:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 8:55 pm

    Except you’re totally missing the right Friedman angle – it’s gotta be its own reality show. “Hunting the Moustache.” You know we’ll accept nothing less.

    And we need the Israeli Lieberman, too, or maybe every Lieberman in the world – your choice…

    But, despite all you’re being wrong, I’m willing to generously subscribe to your newsletter for a mere 19999 quatloos, anyway.

  66. Linnaeus:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 9:06 pm

    There must be some misunderstanding.

  67. Aidian:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 9:16 pm

    What, no mention of David Gergen?

  68. Bill Murray:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 9:20 pm

    that’s the look that first made his heiress wife fall or him. and really who can resist puzzled, moustachy bemusement

  69. rea:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 9:33 pm

    “Woke up, fell out of bed,
    Dragged a fork across my head . . .”

    Now we know how many noodles it takes to fill the Albert Hall.

  70. somethingblue:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 10:00 pm

    Yeah, yeah, very cute. But have you cleared all this with the Blogger Ethics Panel?

  71. Flypaper:

    January 23rd, 2013 at 10:00 pm

    And ties. He loves ties. Wouldn’t stop talking about ‘em all of last election…

  72. SEK:

    January 24th, 2013 at 6:38 am

    Bah. I didn’t get a single angry email about that post, so it’s innocuous as get-all. That said, if I were to write such a post, all I’d be able to say, nerd that I am, is that I think she might be a Romulan spy.

  73. Malacylpse:

    January 24th, 2013 at 7:04 am

    Nah, BradP brings the necessary pointless contrarianism better than you ever will.

  74. rm:

    January 24th, 2013 at 9:47 am

    I don’t care no more what Loomis say.

  75. jackd:

    January 24th, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    The startling resemblance a friend of mine noticed is between the First Lady and Agent 99.

  76. Roger Ailes:

    January 24th, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    Are you certain you want to Sully your good reputation?

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