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Glenn Reynolds Presents: How to be a Painfully Unfunny Hack

[ 38 ] January 2, 2013 |

Glenn Reynolds has been using nutty Clinton conspiracy theories (which he clung to for a ridiculously long time) as a vehicle for running a one-liner into the ground, showing that if there’s anything worse than Glenn Reynolds trying to sustain thoughts for a couple paragraphs at a time, it’s Glenn Reynolds trying to be witty:

LEADERSHIP: Benghazi? Whatever! There was just some ‘sloppiness’ there, says Obama. According to a State Department spokesperson, Secretary of State Hillary of Clinton was unable to comment because of “a really bad hangover.”

HOW’S THAT “SMART DIPLOMACY” WORKIN’ OUT FOR YA? AFRICA IN CRISIS: U.S. Abandons Embassy, France Won’t Intervene. “The last time the U.S. abandoned an embassy? Syria.”

BACKBONE: Senate Republicans refuse to confirm Kerry until Hillary testifies about Benghazi. According to a State Department spokesperson, such testimony is doubtful as Secretary of State Clinton is suffering from “really bad canker sores.”

WALTER RUSSELL MEAD: We Still Need A Comprehensive Libya Policy Review. “The Benghazi attack was one small chapter in an an expensive and still unfolding tale of policy failure, in which U.S. forces were committed to Qaddafi’s ouster without proper assessment of risk, analysis of policy costs, or preparation for consequences.”

According to a State Department spokesperson, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was unable to comment because of “a really bad eczema outbreak.”

ACCOUNTABILITY IS FOR THE LITTLE PEOPLE: Benghazi penalties “bogus,” officials returning to work? “The New York Post has learned that the four State Department officials that supposedly resigned after the Accountability Review Board report slammed Foggy Bottom for its ‘systemic failures’ and ‘leadership and management deficiencies’ will return to work after all — and all but one in the same post.”

According to a State Department spokesperson, Hillary Clinton was unable to comment because she was being treated for “a really painful hangnail.”

DUCKING ACCOUNTABILITY: Hillary’s Benghazi Role. According to a State Department spokesperson, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was unable to respond due to “female problems you really don’t want to hear about.”

Ha-haw! This list, sadly, is not exhaustive. At any rate, how do you think Reynolds would react when the basis for these jokes for people who find Two and A Half Men hilarious but a little too highbrow is conclusively disproven? With a little graciousness or modesty, perhaps?

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS ON HILLARY’S BRAIN: “The illness has kept her out of the public view since Dec. 7, and has started to raise a host of questions as her team keeps typically tightlipped about the details: Where is the clot located? How severe is her condition? How soon will she recover? And, as Democrats are privately if not publicly speculating, how might her illness affect a decision about running for president in 2016? . . . Not that Democrats are willing to talk openly about the political implications of a long illness, choosing to keep any discussions about her condition behind closed doors. Publicly, Democrats reject the notion that a blood clot could hinder her political prospects.”

UPDATE: A reader emails that it’s lucky Hillary is a Democrat. If she were a Republican, we’d be hearing jokes like “Good news: They X-rayed Hillary’s brain and didn’t find anything!”

Yes, it’s Democrats who like to make tasteless jokes after people suffer serious injuries. Also, if Reynolds is going project his pathologies onto Democrats, I’d prefer if he find someone other than himself or his readers to write the material he puts in our mouths.

Elsewhere, Ann Althouse would like you to know that SHE WILL NOT BE INTIMIDATED! How dare people try to “control the political debate” by noting that Ann Althouse’s latest implausible conspiracy theory about the Clintons is not merely devoid of evidence but contradicts all the known evidence? Rest assured that making fun of her will not stop her from making herself look foolish!

Comments (38)

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  1. mark f says:

    Reynolds #1:

    BACKBONE: Senate Republicans refuse to confirm Kerry until Hillary testifies about Benghazi.

    Reynolds #2:

    Not that Democrats are willing to talk openly about the political implications of a long illness, choosing to keep any discussions about her condition behind closed doors.

    So Republicans will block confirmation of her successor until they get what they get their chance to showboat, but it’s Democrats who are avoiding dealing the real-world implications of the Secretary of State’s apparent incapacitation?

  2. rea says:

    Who would have thought, back in ’86, that the Republicans would be angry about a Democratic president’s role in deposing Qaddafi?

  3. commie atheist says:

    You want silence? You want backing down? You want me to not to dare say a thing like that? That’s how you want to control political debate in the United States? Thanks for reminding me once again how deeply I hate that and for giving me an (easy) opportunity to model courage for the more timid people out there who are cowed by the fear of shaming.

    Dear Ms. Althouse: Don’t go changing to try and please me. I love you just the way you are.

    • DrDick says:

      Indeed. Please keep making these delusional and moronic pronouncements. The more the better, since it hastens the day when even the MSM realizes wingnuts live in cloud cuckoo land.

  4. SP says:

    Shorter Althouse: “I am always right, because anyone who tries to correct me is just trying to shame me with so-called ‘reality’ and I have the courage to stand up to them!”

  5. Malaclypse says:

    To be fair, it isn’t like Reynolds went so far as to call for Hillary’s head on a stick.

  6. Thank you for not liking to Althouse. I made a resolution, and I’d have hated to have inadvertently broken it less than two days in.

  7. I would be happy for Barry Alvarez to receive the $50,000 victory bonus regardless of losing, if it came from Ann Althouse’s salary.

    Also, he could donate it toward adding a few more tubas to that marching band.

  8. Glenn Reynods is making fun of somebody for working so hard serving her country that she fell down and hit her head.

    Christ, what an asshole.

  9. c u n d gulag says:

    Conservatives are never funny, because they suffer from an irony deficiency.

    And what they think is funny, most of the rest of us think is cruel.

    Like, we may laugh when an old lady steps on a banana peel.
    But if we find out she got hurt, we wouldn’t think that was funny.
    Conservatives would laugh at that, and think it was hysterically funny if, after she fell down, she got run over by a bus, and killed.

  10. Bitter Scribe says:

    Would it be going too far to hope Instafuckhead develops a blood clot on his brain? Then he can make all the jokes he wants.

  11. Bad humor is better than good humor for the conservatives’ purposes.

    Anyone can laugh at a conservative-themed joke that is actually funny, but grimly barking out “Ha ha ha” on command after a terrible, offensive conservative-themed joke really marks you as a loyal foot soldier in the movement.

    • njorl says:

      “Anyone can laugh at a conservative-themed joke that is actually funny, “

      Though the world may never know for sure.

      • Cheap Wino says:

        I was thinking, “untestable hypothesis” when I read that sentence.

        • Bill Murray says:

          No, there was this one time back in about ’83 when PJ O’Rourke wrote something funny

          Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

          Sure he stole it from Monty Python, but it’s a knee slapper

          Full disclosure, I do not wish anyone to die from laughter from this joke, which is why I tied it to Mr. O’Rourke. His anti-levity cuts the jokes humourtivity sufficiently to only cause hemorrhoids

          • Bitter Scribe says:

            O’Rourke was one of two conservatives I ever found genuinely funny. The other was James Lileks. (You can have Christopher Buckley.) Then Lileks turned into a bitter crank because of 9/11, and O’Rourke turned into a bitter drunk because…just because, I guess. (Maybe it had something to do with his beloved rich people in the Republican party having to rub elbows with all those Tea Party cretins.)

  12. Bitter Scribe says:

    As for Althouse, she is nothing but not consistent. Her whole shtick is making stupid, outrageous assertions and then crying and congratulating herself on her courage when she’s called on it.

  13. Ari Kohen says:

    Incidentally, here’s Ann Althouse responding to a conspiracy theory that she doesn’t like: Unsurprisingly, she tells the conspiracy theorist to be quiet because he sounds like a loon, precisely the sort of thing she’s “heroically” struggling against today.

  14. The Tragically Flip says:

    I think we’ve been underappreciating how much the old 90s Hillary Clinton hatred, so quiet most of the last four years has actually been driving the Benghazi stuff and now the clot stuff.

    Reynolds is old school wingnut (wasn’t he a freeper at some point before he had his own site?). I’m just surprised he hasn’t brought up Vince Foster or Whitewater.

  15. Major Kong says:

    These really are terrible people.

  16. The Cracker Barrel Senior Fellow For Space Law and Transhuman Glibertarianism at the University of Tennessee Glenn Reynolds says:

    Heh! Indeedy! I gotta go take a shiiiiiitty!

  17. socraticsilence says:

    Given the nature of Republican Empathy (it only exists when it effects themselves or their immediate friends/family) do you think Ann might be a bit more understanding if Hillary had cirrhosis?

  18. Epicurus says:

    The mere fact that these two idjyits are “professors” at allegedly-professional “law schools” does not speak well to the larger group of faculty who do not broadcast their insanity to the rest of the world via web pages. Who the hell IS running this industry? I think we all know the answer to that one…let’s make a resolution for 2013. Mercilessly critique and shred their stupid, libertarian arguments and other proclamations. As I said many years ago, you don’t go to a KKK parade to yell and shout; just laugh at their childish antics. (No, I’m not advising bringing a rubber chicken to a gunfight (or Klan march!); nonetheless, we have to keep telling the world that both of these “emperors” are as naked as the day they were born. Let’s just stop taking them seriously, shall we?

  19. This is Clinton Derangement Syndrome meets Birtherism.

    Why won’t she release the CT scan? No no, the long form.

  20. Uncle Ebeneezer says:

    Am I the only person who finds the Reynolds/Althouse Axis of Greater Wingnutia to be even more irritating than the Malkins, Stacey McCains, Krauthammers, Peretzes, Goldbergs, Byron Yorks etc.? There are so many right-wing assholes out there that even crazier, but for some reason the Insta-house beats them all. I’m trying to figure out the (il)logic of it.

    • Stiv says:

      More irritating because they spend more time on their blogs than they do on their real job, when tuition is killing the students.

      • Uncle Ebeneezer says:

        true, but I think it’s something more in the tone. While the super-crazies are more extreme, Instapundit/Althouse have a smugness that I think gets me more than anything. Plus they’re treated by conservatives as if they are reasonable or even moderate.

  21. Alex says:

    Reynolds isn’t just a relic of when amateur bloggers ruled the Web, before TPM professionalised the gig, he’s a relic of when amateur bloggers didn’t even aspire to professional quality. I mean, look at the sheer insight those quotes display! I’d really almost stand still for that! It’s barely more than scanning the newspaper, grunting occasionally.

  22. Heart O'Darkness says:

    I am literally astounded that someone with claims to academic legitimacy like Scott Lemieux would stoop to this level of innuendo and name calling. No wonder no one with any intellectual integrity takes liberals seriously anymore. It’s quite sad, really.

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