The stupidest fucking thing you’ll read in the next five minutes

Shorter Ace of Spades:

We could prevent mass shootings by laughing at the perpetrators’ tiny penises.

I’m not sure how many lobes of my brain I need to excise in order to understand this, but apparently what ails our national culture is a collective failure to ridicule people based on heterosexist fables about satisfying the wimmin. Remarkable.

47 comments on this post.
  1. mark f:

    Good point, Ace. That’s why nobody outside of some town in Colorado has ever heard of Columbine High.

  2. Bill Murray:

    Just think, we could have prevented “The Ace of Spades” by laughing at his tiny penis. Why oh why can’t we have better tiny penis laughers

  3. MAJeff:

    That may actually be dumber than the Mike Huckabee/Bryan Fisher “It’s because we took God out of the schools” bullshit. Maybe their god allowed it to happen because he had a tiny cock?

  4. Derelict:

    I can’t wait to hear all the usual crooning to stave off any possible conversation about the role of guns in our society. I think we’ve already started hearing the “Well, is EVERYONE had a gun, this would have been stopped” line.

    I would ask rhetorically just how many of these massacres it will take before we can begin dealing with this issue, but I know the answer. There is no upper bound on the number of incidents, the number of dead people–even the number of dead children–that will make the likes of Wayne LaPierre and the gun lobby do anything other than plump for ever more guns in the hands of anyone who wants one.

  5. GOD:

    I AM AN AWESOME AND RIGHTEOUS BEING FULL OF OVERWHELMING LOVE FOR THOSE I’VE CREATED IN MY IMAGE. PUT MY PICTURE ON THE WALL OR I WILL MURDER YOUR SCHOOLCHILDREN.

  6. Mister Harvest:

    So, wait, how does this tie into women emasculating men by being feminists? I think they may need to think this through more carefully; a bit more work, and they’ll be able to blame it on sluts and their abortions.

  7. heckblazer:

    I’ve had the idea of a mandatory name change of these perpetrators to something like Shithead McFuckface. Of course I don’t think that’s a practical solution, nor would it be the only one if it was possible.

  8. Jason:

    People become mass shooters because they are losers who feel like crap. Therefore the solution to mass shootings is to institute a more rigorous program of making losers feel crap.

    Ace is so smart! Ace is so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean…

  9. MAJeff:

    *pointing at GOD’s cock* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. UberMitch:

    Penises. Those are the things that interact with the Play-Doh and bacon, right?

  11. Leeds man:

    I think we were just talking a few weeks ago about a certain form of intensely narcissistic psychopathy that spurs people to kill everyone close to them rather than just taking the gentleman’s way out of suicide.

    Sadly, very few wingnuts or billionaires are gentlemen*.

    *I mean “gentleman” in the sense of decent person, rather than the original meaning of murderous thug.

  12. Malaclypse:

    Well, not in Ace’s case…

  13. KWillow:

    Well it all comes down to Profit, doesn’t it? Not “freedom”- the notion that owning lots of gun’ll keep you safe from the government is just… beyond stupid and crazy. The Press was supposed to keep us safe from teh government, so the government allowed it to become a corporate monopoly. Now gun mfrs and bullet sellers want to make moremoremoremore money so they can bribe politicians to enable them to make moremoremore $$$$$. And they convince morons that owning a gun, or ten, or a thousand, will “keep them safe”. Stupid with wheels and jet engines.

  14. Anonymous:

    Given that one of the victim’s was Lanza’s mother, I’m betting there’s an angry, ungrammatical screed somewhere in his bedroom about bitches, anyway. Or there’s an old girlfriend who’ll be blamed for not putting out enough.

  15. tt:

    Maybe Ace is wrong but I don’t get why you think this is so obviously self-evidence. Mass-murder is a power fantasy. It’s not implausible that the perspective of the media has something to do with this.

  16. FLRealist:

    According to news reports, the girlfriend and a friend are missing.

    Obviously it was us wimmenfolk.

  17. Mister Harvest:

    I know that you meant what I wrote, and I know you took it the right way, but those facts make my humor go rather sour in my mouth.

    What a horrible day.

  18. c u n d gulag:

    Yes, because nothing calms the remaining adolelscent reptilian parts of our human brains, than having our reproductive organs ridiculed!

    Jeeneeeeus!!!

    Hey, T-Rex, is that a half-a-roll of dimes and leather pouch full of Tic-Tac’s, or are you just happy to see me?

    Yup, THAT’S sure to turn T-Rex into a vegan!

    OY!!!
    TEH STOOOOOOOOOOOPID, I BURNS WITH THE HEAT OF A TRILLION-BAZILLION SUNS!!!

  19. tonycpsu:

    If we outlaw [BONERS], only outlaws will have [BONERS].

  20. Leeds man:

    Mass-murder is a power fantasy.

    So is the Tea Party. And the Bush Doctrine. And gun ownership. And lower taxes for the wealthy. And control of women’s bodies. All power fantasies, all leading to hell.

  21. Dana Houle:

    I kinda think if God wants to be in a school that she’s not leaving just because the ACLU won a court case.

  22. tt:

    Yep. And I think there’s something to be said for treating all those things as pathetic to weaken that fantasy. Indeed, that is a common rhetorical tactic on less classy lefty blogs than this one.

  23. Anonymous:

    Oh, well, case closed then. I give it less than 12 hours before this is chalked up to frigid bitches / whore abortions / absent working moms / misandrist boy-stifling society with a heaping helping of Bad White Guilt caused by that dude in the white house, the muslim commie one.

  24. Mister Harvest:

    The wagons appear to be circling around the, “Well, crazy people, what can you do, there is no possible way of stopping them, they’ll always have guns, let’s not talk about it” position.

  25. Anonymous:

    and yet, for all his obvious douchebaggery, old ace has got you all talking about him, which was, of course, his intent.

    better idea: we all ignore him, pointing and laughing, in private, at his tiny penis/brain, you make the call.

  26. Anonymous:

    It’s not the fairly banal idea that “the media’s coverage of mass murder events fuels future mass murder events”. It’s the framework in which that idea is presented.

    people commit suicide because of their “failures and inadequacies”

    “the Sad, Lonely Pathetic Guy Who Has a Small Dick and Couldn’t Keep a Woman or a Job and Just Couldn’t Hack It part of him”

    “masterful men do not have to kill people to let the world know “I exist”"

    “the maniac in Colorado shot up the theater because he was a pathetic weakling unloved by women and incapable of satisfying them”

    “What they do not want and could not abide is an accurate assessment of their psychology, their physical stature and shortcomings, their ability to succeed in work or school, their loser history with women, and so on.”

    Projects more than a stage actor.

  27. Semanticleo:

    Obviously, we could solve this problem by offering free-penile extensions to all gun purchasers, kinda like a free trigger lock. As an extension of one’s manhood, a gun is a poor substitute.

    Now, what shall we do about renegade bikers?

  28. owlbear1:

    I bet some nut shooting a couple thousand rounds at NRA convention would do the trick.

  29. Leeds man:

    “masterful men”

    Sweet Jesus. In poker, I believe that’s called a tell.

  30. DocAmazing:

    God is everywhere, except maybe Horshack’s locker.

  31. DocAmazing:

    Waitwaitwait. Wasn’t the whole point of firearms ownership for a segment of the male population phallic augmentation?

  32. Joshua:

    AS A GUN OWNER WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO GET THE PENILE EXTENDER TOO?

    JOSHUA
    VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA

  33. DrDick:

    He certainly is an expert on tiny penises.

  34. UserGoogol:

    To largely repeat somewhat what Anonymous said, the fact that mass murderers are portrayed as “exciting” does probably encourage more mass murders. So we reasonably should try to frame things differently. But the alternative he presents… is not good.

  35. Semanticleo:

    Otherwise, there would be no need for a SW .44 Magnum wheel-gun with 6 inch (excuse me, 10 inch) barrel.

  36. Pestilence:

    Isnt that already Ace’s real name?

  37. Clark:

    Goldstein provides some competition, and I haven’t checked Reynolds yet.

  38. Karen:

    We could, you know, provide treatment for the crazy people? And reduce their immediate access to guns? Maybe? (I know that’s not what you’re saying, but I simply have to respond.)

  39. Semanticleo:

    Oh Gawd….Goldbrick. Predictably, dickish.

  40. SV:

    Evil (notice the capital letter E) is powerful in these sad losers’ imaginations, and they want to be called the Big Scary Man, the Shadow That Menaces At Midnight.

    For an impotent, weak, ineffectual man, that is an attractive fantasy.

    Interesting, coming from a dude whose blog header is

    Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

    beside a pair of swords crossed behind a skull and evoking the Jolly Roger.

  41. Anonymous:

    I’m glad someone else caught this. This is what he actually says. Not only is this remarkably stupid, it’s not even self-consistent.

  42. joe from Lowell:

    Ouch.

  43. Eli Rabett:

    It’s tragedies like this that show why Iran and North Korea should have nuclear weapons, an armed world is a courteous and long dicked world.

  44. Dan Nexon:

    No offense to Dave, but that was much better than the initiating post.

  45. N__B:

    You’re something of an asshole, aren’t you.

  46. Bill Murray:

    Horshack’s dead and we killed him

  47. Bertrand Russell:

    That’s why I’m not a Christian.

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