Beats telling people that you’re Jewish

SEK spies an OLD LADY being crushed by the Christmas tree she’s trying to remove from the roof of her car.

SEK: Do you need some help with that?

OLD LADY: Yes, some would be nice.

SEK: Let me take that.

SEK accepts far more weight than this tiny muscles can bear but whatever.

OLD LADY: Thank you. It’s good to know someone has the Christmas spirit.

SEK: I’m not a—

OLD LADY: You have the spirit, whatever you are.

SEK: (well-nigh collapsing) I’m not anything.

OLD LADY: Everyone is something.

SEK: Nope.

OLD LADY: Everyone.

SEK: So I get to choose?

OLD LADY: Everyone gets to choose.

SEK: Then I’m Batman.

OLD LADY: Excuse me?

SEK: If I get to choose, I’m Batman.

75 comments on this post.
  1. Jameson Quinn:

    Just like Miguelito.

  2. SEK:

    Only I’m not Swiss. And once, I actually yelled that after saving someone. I should write about that one day …

  3. Linnaeus:

    I kinda like the “you have the spirit, whatever you are” sentiment.

  4. Lee Rudolph:

    And a very merry Batmas to you, sir!

  5. pathman:

    Holy shit you are funny!

  6. SEK:

    I do too, at least when I’m not lugging a 100 lbs. Christmas tree. Then I get sarcastic.

  7. cpinva:

    so, um, who posted your bail?

  8. AcademicLurker:

    “You have the spirit, whatever you are” definitely wins points for sheer vagueness.

  9. The Dark Avenger:

    “Pinche Batman, pendejo!”

  10. cpinva:

    “When in Doubt, be Vague”

    that was printed on my diploma. business major, obviously.

  11. Murc:

    Welcome to SEK’s Christmas Attack Zone.

  12. Heron:

    Totally off topic, but have you ever taken a look at visual rhetoric in anime? I was re-watching this series called Puella Magi Madoka Magica recently and it occurred to me that there’s a lot to work with in it from a formalist perspective. Now that I think about it, pretty much everything SHAFT produces is pretty heavy with the symbolism and visual rhetoric. You’d probably think Zetsubo Sensei is funny.

  13. Linnaeus:

    Fair ’nuff.

  14. Peter Hovde:

    If you can be Batman, you can also be Swiss (if you want).

  15. Linnaeus:

    Sometimes that works in other disciplines, too.

  16. SEK:

    Sort of. I taught this course a few years ago, and we covered Nausicaa, among other things, but that’s about it. I should do more with it, though, because you’re right: there’s a strong formal streak running through anime that, when it’s not routinized in children’s series, is really interesting.

  17. Murc:

    Ah, Madoka Magica. David Lynch’s Sailor Moon.

  18. Bitter Scribe:

    At least the lyrics for the Batman hymn are easy to memorize.

  19. Scott S.:

    Everyone gets to be Batman.

  20. Manju:

    I’m Ray Allen.

  21. Sly:

    You have chosen wisely.

  22. BigHank53:

    The term of art in geotechnical engineering is usually referred to as “handwaving”. Particularly for client presentations.

  23. Manju:

    Why no mention of Robin? He’s always getting the short end of the stick.

  24. Jim Lynch:

    If she had a sense of humor, she would have maced you and told the cops, “better safe than sorry”. They would have agreed with her, too.

  25. Hogan:

    Sometimes it’s hard to say who’s getting the stick.

  26. thusbloggedanderson:

    When I find out that the guy helping with my tree is Batman, sorry, but I want my tree back. No, thanks, I’m good.

    … SEK probably already knows the great lines from Wise Blood, where Hazel is trying to rent a room from an old lady who first wants to know what church he belongs to. He tells her, the Church Without Christ (his own invention).

    She’s suspicious. “Is that Catholic?” “No, ma’am.” Then okay, he can rent a room.

  27. Bijan Parsia:

    I know!

  28. Hanspeter:

    My life is complete with Mafalda and LGM coming together.

    So…

    Miguelito: SEK

    Which of the mastheaders is cynical enough to claim Mafalda?

  29. Mike F.:

    Thank you for that. Funny funny shit right there. Made my day.
    Now if Batman could only beat the shit out of Julie . .

  30. NonyNony:

    Don’t be too sure about that.

    Poorly-drawn badass Jesus will tear himself down off his cross and open a can of whoop-ass on Batman if he needs to.

  31. Tyto:

    “Give me ambiguity, or give me something else.”

  32. Hogan:

    Wow. What do they charge for off-brand Rob Liefeld?

  33. Gepap:

    I want to know who would claim to be Felipe or Libertad.

  34. wjts:

    Turn the other cheek is really showing class
    But I really think it’s sexy when he kicks Satan’s ass!
    Kicks Satan’s ass!
    Kicks Satan’s ass!
    Rock me, rock me, rock me Sexy Jesus!

  35. Barry Freed:

    “You’re Batman!”

    SEK spies an OLD LADY…

    I just love stuff from you that starts like that.

  36. Stag Party Palin:

    Oh my, a discussion just like we used to have on Usenet. Sigh. What the Jeebusers forgot is what if Batman took on Republican Jesus. Now there’s a fight.

  37. ReinWeiss:

    I almost brought the show up back during some of SEK’s Batman posts. Homura uses some of the same visual tricks as Batman does, suddenly appearing behind someone when the camera cuts away and then back, etc etc.

  38. SEK:

    L’esprit de l’escalier, indeed.

  39. SEK:

    Ronald didn’t get the last word. Batman would’ve. Sadly, Jesus wins.

  40. SEK:

    It’s just what happens when you look at life as an opportunity for … actually, I just behave like this because I think it’s funny, what with me being a grown adult and all. And other people do too, like OLD LADY, who gave me chocolate for helping her lug her Christmas tree into her apartment.

    Because I’m a nice guy. Stop laughing, I am. Really.

  41. SEK:

    How many citizenships am I allowed? I have American and Israeli already. Can I also be Swiss and Batman?

  42. Pseudonym:

    It would have made a much better story if only she had given you bacon instead.

  43. Ian:

    It also sounds like something Adam West would say.

  44. SEK:

    Or a walrus and said, in her kindly OLD LADY voice, “You know, for fucking.”

  45. Warren Terra:

    I always assumed Batman was a citizen of the world.

  46. herr doktor bimler:

    J’y Swiss, j’y rest.

  47. Heron:

    And How >:)

  48. rm:

    So here I stand in my Superman suit
    And everybody says I’m cute
    I try to tell ‘em but they just don’t see
    And they hang their hats and coats on me.
    Well, a job’s a job.
    Still, if I had my preference, I’d rather be Batman.

  49. The Dark Avenger:

    My mother’s Catholicism bothered some of my fathers’ Texan family more than the fact that she was part-Chinese. This was in 1956.

  50. Kurzleg:

    La Libertad is nice this time of year!

  51. Hogan:

    They should film that story and show it wvwey Christmas.

  52. Hogan:

    With the Elmer Fudd voice, obviously.

  53. Dave:

    You would be my hero if my hero wasn’t Batman.

  54. Lurker:

    Depends. A friend of mine has three: Finnish, Canadian and German. Being born of a German mother and a Finnish father, he holds these two citizenships de jure sanguinis and the Canadian citizenship, having been born there, de jure soli. I think that three passports by birthright is quite a lot for a single person.

  55. The prophet Nostradumbass:

    Ich bin ein Batman.

    Well, I have three, American, British and Irish, due to being born here of parents from Northern Ireland, though I only have two passports.

  56. ajay:

    Surely Batman is Jewish, though. Look at his name. Kaufman, Goldman, Dorfman, Edelman… Batman.

  57. Hogan:

    Give me vagueness or whatever.

  58. Njorl:

    That’s only because the pagan bits were censored from the last line and replaced with “Fa la la la la la la la la la la – BATMAN!”

  59. ajay:

    I know not what course others may take, but as for myself, I say, give me tautology, or give me tautology!

  60. Aaron Morrow:

    Can I ask you something I always wanted to ask the real Batman?

  61. ajay:

    “Be vewy, vewy quiet. I’m hunting the Joker.”

  62. Vance Maverick:

    Or possibly Javanese.

  63. Warren Terra:

    Surely “The Widdwah” works better?

  64. Hogan:

    Live free or don’t.

  65. Halloween Jack:

    Anything, you say?
    (I am so, so sorry)

  66. Njorl:

    I’m sure with that quirky sense of humor, you’ll appreciate the chocolate laxative she gave you as a reward.

  67. Njorl:

    You can be both.

  68. Njorl:

    Shouldn’t it be “Ich bin Die Fledermaus.” Unless you prefer Batmanuel.

  69. Bill Murray:

    Everyone should prefer Batmanuel. He saved a cable car full of supermodels. Twice in one night

  70. paleotectonics:

    Ich bin Die Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs At Midnight.

    Surf’s up, space ponies!

  71. paleotectonics:

    &#x266a&#x266aJingle Bells, Batman smells,&#x266a
    Robin laid an egg&#x266a&#x266a
    &#x266aThe Batmobile &#x266a lost its wheels&#x266a
    and the Joker got away&#x266a

  72. paleotectonics:

    Hmmm. Tragic html failure. Imagine musical notes. Imagine this comment is either coherent or missing.

    Fuck.

  73. mch:

    Called on in a Methodist church service some ten years ago (or so) to cite someone who I thought had given witness to Christ, I named, in all sincerity, a Muslim friend, a woman who is always there when someone needs help. Really there with muscle, and with heart.

    That whole service really annoyed me, I should add — I mean, I am in sympathy with fatigue over Christian schlock. Still, I think that old lady was trying to say something wise. Why not enjoy and share?

  74. ajay:

    Or even Turkish.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Batman,_Turkey

  75. Links 12/5/12 | Mike the Mad Biologist:

    [...] coach: I was fired for being gay Screw Ross Douthat telling me and you to have more children Beats telling people that you’re Jewish Why Sheldon Adelson Spent $150 Million On the 2012 Election Beached by Sandy The Balanced Rock [...]

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