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Beats telling people that you’re Jewish

[ 75 ] December 3, 2012 |

SEK spies an OLD LADY being crushed by the Christmas tree she’s trying to remove from the roof of her car.

SEK: Do you need some help with that?

OLD LADY: Yes, some would be nice.

SEK: Let me take that.

SEK accepts far more weight than this tiny muscles can bear but whatever.

OLD LADY: Thank you. It’s good to know someone has the Christmas spirit.

SEK: I’m not a—

OLD LADY: You have the spirit, whatever you are.

SEK: (well-nigh collapsing) I’m not anything.

OLD LADY: Everyone is something.

SEK: Nope.

OLD LADY: Everyone.

SEK: So I get to choose?

OLD LADY: Everyone gets to choose.

SEK: Then I’m Batman.

OLD LADY: Excuse me?

SEK: If I get to choose, I’m Batman.

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  • Jameson Quinn

    Just like Miguelito.

    • SEK

      Only I’m not Swiss. And once, I actually yelled that after saving someone. I should write about that one day …

      • Peter Hovde

        If you can be Batman, you can also be Swiss (if you want).

        • SEK

          How many citizenships am I allowed? I have American and Israeli already. Can I also be Swiss and Batman?

          • Warren Terra

            I always assumed Batman was a citizen of the world.

          • Lurker

            Depends. A friend of mine has three: Finnish, Canadian and German. Being born of a German mother and a Finnish father, he holds these two citizenships de jure sanguinis and the Canadian citizenship, having been born there, de jure soli. I think that three passports by birthright is quite a lot for a single person.

          • Ich bin ein Batman.

            Well, I have three, American, British and Irish, due to being born here of parents from Northern Ireland, though I only have two passports.

            • Njorl

              Shouldn’t it be “Ich bin Die Fledermaus.” Unless you prefer Batmanuel.

              • Bill Murray

                Everyone should prefer Batmanuel. He saved a cable car full of supermodels. Twice in one night

                • Ich bin Die Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs At Midnight.

                  Surf’s up, space ponies!

      • herr doktor bimler

        J’y Swiss, j’y rest.

    • Hanspeter

      My life is complete with Mafalda and LGM coming together.

      So…

      Miguelito: SEK

      Which of the mastheaders is cynical enough to claim Mafalda?

      • Gepap

        I want to know who would claim to be Felipe or Libertad.

  • Linnaeus

    I kinda like the “you have the spirit, whatever you are” sentiment.

    • SEK

      I do too, at least when I’m not lugging a 100 lbs. Christmas tree. Then I get sarcastic.

      • Linnaeus

        Fair ’nuff.

  • And a very merry Batmas to you, sir!

    • &#x266a&#x266aJingle Bells, Batman smells,&#x266a
      Robin laid an egg&#x266a&#x266a
      &#x266aThe Batmobile &#x266a lost its wheels&#x266a
      and the Joker got away&#x266a

      • Hmmm. Tragic html failure. Imagine musical notes. Imagine this comment is either coherent or missing.

        Fuck.

  • pathman

    Holy shit you are funny!

  • cpinva

    so, um, who posted your bail?

  • AcademicLurker

    “You have the spirit, whatever you are” definitely wins points for sheer vagueness.

    • cpinva

      “When in Doubt, be Vague”

      that was printed on my diploma. business major, obviously.

      • Linnaeus

        Sometimes that works in other disciplines, too.

        • BigHank53

          The term of art in geotechnical engineering is usually referred to as “handwaving”. Particularly for client presentations.

    • Tyto

      “Give me ambiguity, or give me something else.”

      • Hogan

        Give me vagueness or whatever.

        • ajay

          I know not what course others may take, but as for myself, I say, give me tautology, or give me tautology!

          • Hogan

            Live free or don’t.

    • Ian

      It also sounds like something Adam West would say.

  • The Dark Avenger

    “Pinche Batman, pendejo!”

  • Murc

    Welcome to SEK’s Christmas Attack Zone.

  • Heron

    Totally off topic, but have you ever taken a look at visual rhetoric in anime? I was re-watching this series called Puella Magi Madoka Magica recently and it occurred to me that there’s a lot to work with in it from a formalist perspective. Now that I think about it, pretty much everything SHAFT produces is pretty heavy with the symbolism and visual rhetoric. You’d probably think Zetsubo Sensei is funny.

    • SEK

      Sort of. I taught this course a few years ago, and we covered Nausicaa, among other things, but that’s about it. I should do more with it, though, because you’re right: there’s a strong formal streak running through anime that, when it’s not routinized in children’s series, is really interesting.

    • Murc

      Ah, Madoka Magica. David Lynch’s Sailor Moon.

      • Heron

        And How >:)

    • ReinWeiss

      I almost brought the show up back during some of SEK’s Batman posts. Homura uses some of the same visual tricks as Batman does, suddenly appearing behind someone when the camera cuts away and then back, etc etc.

  • Bitter Scribe

    At least the lyrics for the Batman hymn are easy to memorize.

    • Njorl

      That’s only because the pagan bits were censored from the last line and replaced with “Fa la la la la la la la la la la – BATMAN!”

  • Manju

    I’m Ray Allen.

    • SEK

      L’esprit de l’escalier, indeed.

  • Sly
    • Mike F.

      Thank you for that. Funny funny shit right there. Made my day.
      Now if Batman could only beat the shit out of Julie . .

    • NonyNony

      Don’t be too sure about that.

      Poorly-drawn badass Jesus will tear himself down off his cross and open a can of whoop-ass on Batman if he needs to.

      • Hogan

        Wow. What do they charge for off-brand Rob Liefeld?

      • wjts

        Turn the other cheek is really showing class
        But I really think it’s sexy when he kicks Satan’s ass!
        Kicks Satan’s ass!
        Kicks Satan’s ass!
        Rock me, rock me, rock me Sexy Jesus!

    • Stag Party Palin

      Oh my, a discussion just like we used to have on Usenet. Sigh. What the Jeebusers forgot is what if Batman took on Republican Jesus. Now there’s a fight.

    • SEK

      Ronald didn’t get the last word. Batman would’ve. Sadly, Jesus wins.

  • Manju

    Why no mention of Robin? He’s always getting the short end of the stick.

  • Jim Lynch

    If she had a sense of humor, she would have maced you and told the cops, “better safe than sorry”. They would have agreed with her, too.

  • thusbloggedanderson

    When I find out that the guy helping with my tree is Batman, sorry, but I want my tree back. No, thanks, I’m good.

    … SEK probably already knows the great lines from Wise Blood, where Hazel is trying to rent a room from an old lady who first wants to know what church he belongs to. He tells her, the Church Without Christ (his own invention).

    She’s suspicious. “Is that Catholic?” “No, ma’am.” Then okay, he can rent a room.

    • The Dark Avenger

      My mother’s Catholicism bothered some of my fathers’ Texan family more than the fact that she was part-Chinese. This was in 1956.

  • I know!

  • Barry Freed

    “You’re Batman!”

    SEK spies an OLD LADY…

    I just love stuff from you that starts like that.

    • SEK

      It’s just what happens when you look at life as an opportunity for … actually, I just behave like this because I think it’s funny, what with me being a grown adult and all. And other people do too, like OLD LADY, who gave me chocolate for helping her lug her Christmas tree into her apartment.

      Because I’m a nice guy. Stop laughing, I am. Really.

      • Pseudonym

        It would have made a much better story if only she had given you bacon instead.

        • SEK

          Or a walrus and said, in her kindly OLD LADY voice, “You know, for fucking.”

          • Hogan

            They should film that story and show it wvwey Christmas.

            • Hogan

              With the Elmer Fudd voice, obviously.

              • ajay

                “Be vewy, vewy quiet. I’m hunting the Joker.”

                • Warren Terra

                  Surely “The Widdwah” works better?

      • Njorl

        I’m sure with that quirky sense of humor, you’ll appreciate the chocolate laxative she gave you as a reward.

  • rm

    So here I stand in my Superman suit
    And everybody says I’m cute
    I try to tell ’em but they just don’t see
    And they hang their hats and coats on me.
    Well, a job’s a job.
    Still, if I had my preference, I’d rather be Batman.

  • You would be my hero if my hero wasn’t Batman.

  • ajay

    Surely Batman is Jewish, though. Look at his name. Kaufman, Goldman, Dorfman, Edelman… Batman.

  • Aaron Morrow

    Can I ask you something I always wanted to ask the real Batman?

  • Halloween Jack

    Anything, you say?
    (I am so, so sorry)

  • mch

    Called on in a Methodist church service some ten years ago (or so) to cite someone who I thought had given witness to Christ, I named, in all sincerity, a Muslim friend, a woman who is always there when someone needs help. Really there with muscle, and with heart.

    That whole service really annoyed me, I should add — I mean, I am in sympathy with fatigue over Christian schlock. Still, I think that old lady was trying to say something wise. Why not enjoy and share?

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