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Just Sayin’

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Mr. Beck — I can perfectly understand your goal to be perceived as pissing off liberals — it’s a good living in your position.  However, your latest submission must be rejected, because the only people who are, er, pissed off about “Piss Christ” at this late date are conservative pundits who have reached a Grade A, or “Roger Kimball,” level of laziness.   Liberals have never cared about this long-dead fake controversy, so the tit for tat doesn’t really work.  (I’ll grant, though, that if the beer that was meant to stand in for your urine is Coors Light, that will probably be as close to wit as you’ll ever get, and it would actually be a greater indignity to the Obama figure than actual piss.) Better luck next time!

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  • bradP

    Really, the only demographic he appeals to projects their insecurities on to everyone else.

    So when he tries to insult liberals, it doesn’t really matter whether he actually insults them or not. And since his viewers are generally hyperparanoid and humorless, there are innumerable things he could do that his viewers would see as being insulting to liberals but actually are not.

  • Mudge

    Glenn Beck’s piss-Coors Light…that’s a tough call.

    • Snarki, child of Loki

      The lab report came in:
      “We’re sorry Mr. Beck, but your horse has diabetes”

  • John

    Don’t you see? He’s hoisting liberals by their own petard? They all love Piss Christ and blasphemy in general, but we’ll see how happy they are when Beck piss-Christs their God, Barry Hussein Soetoro!

    • Kansachusetts

      Yes, so true. We liberals love us some blasphemy. Here in Massachusetts we have groups that meet weekly to say blasphemous things while fingering their rosary beads. Not to mention our many chapters of Nuns with Vibrators.

      • newyorker

        You’re doing it wrong in MASS. Here in NY we have vibrators SHAPED like nuns. They make lovely stocking stuffers.

        • m.goose

          In auto-labor-communist Michigan, we have nuns shaped like vibrators.

    • Major Kong

      Say wait, ain’t that Beck feller one o’ them there Mormons?

      Mah preacher tells me them folks is all part of one big blasphemous cult.

  • muddy

    I like the fact that Beck apparently finds Jesus and Obama to be equivalent.

    • Ha!

    • Muddy wins the thread.

    • Both were abandoned by their biological fathers.

      Both were/are skinny.

      Both have names likely to be misspelled at the DMV.

      Both have publicly forgiven some of the assholes around them.

      • Come to think of it, have they ever been seen in the same place together?

      • BigHank53

        Both have a skin color that makes some white people uncomfortable.

        • Just like the crazy green chick in the original Star Trek. Maybe we could add her to the list.

      • rea

        Both were born in a foriegn country:

        And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from John F. Kennedy, that all the world should be taxed. And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city. And Barack, Sr. also went up from Hawaii, out of the city of Honolulu, into Kenya, unto the city of cold water, which is called Nairobi; (because he was of the house and lineage of Kenya) to be taxed with Ann his espoused wife, being great with child . . .

        • r€nato

          like

      • Warren Terra

        Both have the middle initial “H”.

        • timb

          Warren! Awesome

          • Uncle Kvetch

            Seconded!

            • Sev

              Really? I thought JC’s middle initial was an F. Must be the ignoramuses I hung with growing up.

        • Stag Party Palin

          OMG ROTFLMAO (I just like caps)

          Just when Muddy had “won”, Warren strips the ball away from him.

        • Bart

          Best of the post-election posts!

      • Warren Terra

        Both have been accused of disparaging rich people, of feeding the hungry, and of healing the sick.

        • Jon H

          And disrupting religious practice.

      • gocart mozart

        Both refused to release their school records.

        • gocart mozart

          Both think Glenn Beck is a dick.

      • Jon H

        Both had foreign, Middle Eastern names.

    • expatchad

      Oy!

  • Jonah Goldberg

    conservative pundits who have reached a Grade A, or “Roger Kimball,” level of laziness

    I’d be insulted by this, but I’m on a deadline. Perhaps a reader can think of a witty retort and leave it here for me?

    • Incontinentia Buttocks

      ftw

      • Timb

        +1

        I love that comment so much, it makes my heart hurt

    • spencer

      Ohhhhhhh the awesome of this comment.

  • “Piss Christ” happened in 1987.

    Next, Glenn will release a film in which the adorable “Obamwai” turns into a rapacious havoc-wreaking “gremlib” if he’s fed after midnight (read: gets elected).

    After that an item about how Barack Ofraudo-Ruiz cheated to win a race.

    Take that, Jane Fonda!!!

    • Chilly

      I used to consider myself a Democrat, but thanks to 9/11 I’m outraged by Andres Serrano.

      Somebody should tell Beck about Karen Finley. I’d love to see what he’d do with that Obama doll.

      • DocAmazing

        I yam what I yam.

    • sharculese

      I googled “Barack Obama piss christ” and apparently they had a 2-day mini-skree in late September because Obama was ignoring their demands to denounce it, so, maybe it has something to do with that?

      • Oh, that must be because of the “Innocence of Muslims” thingy.

        Hey, “Mister” “President,” I know you’re all apology tourish about this video motivating protests across an entire region right now, but why aren’t you mad about some thing that hung in a North Carolina art gallery 25 years ago? Huh?!? HUH?!?! Impeach!

    • John

      Although the piece was created in 1987, the scandal was actually in 1989, according to wikipedia.

  • Sly

    This is the same guy who decided to celebrate Earth Day by leaving an SUV running outside his studio one year, cut down some trees the next year, and burn Styrofoam the year after that. I think he bought a stuffed polar bear this year.

    Because that’ll show those liberals how truly conservative we are! Yeah! By… mocking… conservation….

    • Malaclypse

      and burn Styrofoam the year after that

      I would be even angrier if Beck made sure burn the Styrofoam in his studio, as he and his audience made sure to inhale the fumes. That would have really showed me a thing or two!

      • Western Dave

        Could they burn some poison ivy in studio too? That would really bother me.

      • RedSquareBear

        So-called “ssphyxia” is a well-known libtard conspiracy!

        • RedSquareBear

          Stupid. Fucking. Softkeyboard. Damnit.

          • catclub

            I think assphyxia would be a suitable typo.

        • So-called “ssphyxia” is a well-known libtard conspiracy!

          Apparently, liberals are pareseltongues.

    • Major Kong

      Nothing would piss me off worse than Beck drinking a gallon of bleach.

      I would be really, really upset.

      • expatchad

        You want to make him whiter???

  • witless chum

    Beck’s genuine weirdness if the only sorta-endearing thing about him. It’s like Judge Thomas, there’s that extra screwiness about Beck. Sean Hannity isn’t going to think of pretending to dunk an Obama bobblehead in piss. The Scalitos of the world don’t have an angry, personalized grudge against the New Deal.

  • DrDick

    And conservatives once again sodomized the rotting and mutilated corpse of irony.

  • catbutler

    Not surprising, really. I imagine ole’ Glenn would certainly fit the profile of someone who might store hundreds of jars of his own urine around the house anyway.
    I guess the only reaction I would actually have to this is .
    Just sad.

    • catbutler

      to this is “yawn.”

      Apparently my comment was like writing a really long name in the snow, if you get my drift….

    • I love your name.

      Does it mean you butler for a cat or are you a cat who has a job as a butler? Either way, I’m down with it.

      • Sherm

        I assumed that he ran over a cat and didn’t have insurance, so the judge ordered him to be the cat’s butler.

        • You know what they say, dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

          • We are all cat butlers.

          • Sherm

            The exact opposite at my house. An outdoor cat is much lower maintenance than an indoor dog. All I have to do is leave food and water out and the garage door open until bedtime.

            • Njorl

              We had a cat like that. We always suspected that several other people might have the same cat.

              • Cats are known to be promiscuous.

        • Starring Eddie Murphy and Eddie Murphy, summer of 2013.

          • Sherm

            It was a Seinfeld reference, but apparently not a very good one.

            • Hogan

              I got it, for what that’s worth.

            • A gooder, too.

              I got it.

            • i am privileged to actually know the guy who played seinfeld’s butler. he is the marvelous brian bradley, with whom i did countless improv and stand up shows in the 80’s. he’s currently working and teaching in florida, and he’s hilarious.

              brian bradley

        • timb

          The Sein never gets old

      • Bill Murray

        has to be the cat that buttles. Cat’s great all human news with a yawn

        • Bill Murray

          or I suppose cats greet all human news. Stupid fingers

        • S_noe

          My cat : me :: Jeeves : Wooster

          That’s what he thinks, anyway.

          • Does he get you out of unwanted romantic engagements?

            • Hogan

              And make a special concoction that cures hangovers?

              • Keaaukane

                Have you never heard of “cheesing”? South Park did a documentary on it.

            • herr doktor bimler

              Also necessary: Aunt-appeasement skills.
              Does your cat meet up with other cats and exchange anecdotes about your stupidity?

      • catbutler

        Actually I currently butler for three cats full time and about 30 more on weekends when I volunteer at the shelter.
        Our cats routinely set me straight on my place in the hierarchy around here.
        Not to say anything against actual cats employed as butlers, they certainly have the appropriate level of disdain for that sort of work.
        Oh, and thanks.

  • c u n d gulag

    Glenn Beck has started a new style as part of his maturation as a Performance Artist:

    It’s the beginning of his Expression-pissed Period.

    • Cody

      He does always seem rather pissed off on his show.

  • Anonymous

    Wait until you see the slap-down he has ready for The Last Temptation of Christ.

    • Uncle Kvetch

      Not to mention that coffee-table book about S.E.X. that Madonna just put out!

      • Scott Lemieux

        He hasn’t deported 2 Live Crew either. WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

        • witless chum

          I mean, it’d really show Michael Dukakis if Beck rode under the tank instead of in it, wouldn’t it?

          • I, for one, think police officers are heroes. Barack Obama thinks they “act stupidly,” which practically makes him Ice-T.

            • “I, for one, think the police officers who did not run my white ass through the system for the pillowcase-sized pile of blow I did before the chimp commercial, are real Americans, not like Susan Rice, who tried to bring the full wrath of the UN, Agenda 21 division, onto Chuck Norris, who merely pooped them! Norris/Nugent 2014! Thus is it written in the First 7 Year Itch by the Mormon dude! WHY DO YOU HURT ME!”

              • expatchad

                I had to embalm a cat once too.

                Wrong theadlet??

                O.

    • gocart mozart

      I read that as The Last Temptation of Christie and suddenly I thought of donuts.

  • Steve

    If the “urine” is Coors Lite, that make is a commentary on how our corporate political culture (exemplified by Pete Coors and the rest of the Coors family) is our culture’s biological waste. I think this artwork should get an exclusive showing.

    • Davis

      Wonkette says it was Dos Equis.

      • Otto von Bisquick

        I don’t always dip a bobble-head Obama in faux-piss but when I do, I prefer to use Dos Equis.

        • Hogan

          Stay crazy, my friends.

        • I don’t care your gender – marry me. I’ll ‘splain to my wife later.

        • bcw

          foreign immigrant beer?

        • He draws things on a white board that even David Horowitz thinks are nuts.

          He openly weeps on air about feminists destroying traditional manhood.

          The producers at Fox News decided to stop airing his program.

          He’s the Craziest Man in the World.

          “I don’t always dip a bobble-head Obama in faux-piss but when I do, I prefer to use Dos Equis.”

          • The Lorax

            I can’t stop laughing at this. Well done indeed.

      • CJColucci

        Interesting. Most interesting, in fact.

      • rea

        Beck’s Beer, surely.

      • Jon H

        My money’s on it being some kind of special AM radio wingnut pruno fortified with oxycodone.

    • DrDick

      Growing up in Oklahoma, we always said Coors was what you got when you filtered Bud through a horse’s kidneys.

  • Craigo

    I’m sort of disappointed he used beer, because the phrase “Glenn Beck tried to auction a jar of his own urine” looks so damned right. Those words were made to be with each other.

    • witless chum

      It’s been a long time since I read something so exactly true in every particular as this comment.

    • herr doktor bimler

      It seems a shame to break up a complete collection like that.

    • Mike Dixon

      It’s most likely beer, or some say apple juice, in the original as well. Urine simply does not look like that.
      By the way, every six months or so, when Piss Christ pops up as a fresh outrage*, I wonder how many people who refer to the piece as “Putting a statue of Jesus in a jar of urine and calling it art” are aware that it is a photograph, and is framed in a way that it is not in any container.

      *Not that Serrano minds one bit. He’s been coasting on this one bit of Bad Boy of the Art World infamy for two decades now.
      http://www.bravotv.com/work-of-art/season-1/a-shock-to-the-system

  • Hogan

    I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me?

  • KeithOK

    If we don’t watch out, next thing he’ll do is wish us a “Merry Christmas.” Now that would really sting.

    • RedSquareBear

      Not that!

      My one weakness!

  • sharculese

    Pee pee? Has Beck moved on from catering to emotional toddlers to catering to literal toddlers?

  • MikeJake

    $25,000, eh? What’s that in Ameros?

  • Bitter Scribe

    Of all the put-downs of Coors Light and similar “beers” I’ve seen, this is the best.

  • Liberals have never cared about this long-dead fake controversy, so the tit for tat doesn’t really work.

    Let’s pretend there’s tit for tat going on and burn a flag to see who’s got more troll power.

    • Hell, let’s casually drop the phrase “Washington National Airport” into a conversation within earshot of a Republican.

      • NonyNony

        Hell just point out that the original “Red Dawn” wasn’t a very good movie.

        “Troll power” is a useless power in most cases, but it’s even more useless when the target of the trolling gets psychotic pleasure out of being an angry and aggrieved party.

        • secondH

          I’ve heard the new one is not all that much better.

          • NonyNony

            Dunno how it could be – the premise is laughable to begin with and it hasn’t aged well.

            It could almost work if they made it a sci-fi film where a band of scruffy high school students need to defend the USA from invasion from an alternate universe USA that fell to the Red Menace back in the 50s, but even that would be stretching it (and it would play better with Nazis instead of Commies anyway – if there’s one thing that the Indiana Jones movies have taught us it’s that Nazis are always better enemies than Commies).

            • Malaclypse

              if there’s one thing that the Indiana Jones movies have Phillip Dick has taught us it’s that Nazis are always better enemies than Commies

              FTFY.

      • Njorl

        But they might respond with BWI, sending us all into paroxysms of rage at their slight to Thurgood Marshall.

  • secondH

    It would more outrage us if he used “Beck’s” beer.

    Tho’ not by much, since that’s certifiable crap for German beer, and indistinguishable from St Pauli Girl, surely you’ve noticed they’re both from Bremen?

  • calling all toasters

    For his next performance, Beck will:

    1) re-enact the “Nobody move or the n—-r gets it!” scene from “Blazing Saddles,” with the N-bomb changed to “white man.”

    2) give the “I have a Dream” speech in pig latin.

    3) have a seance where he contacts Mary Jo Kopechne (voiced by Victoria Jackson).

    4) go to Spain and fight for Franco.

    THIS IS A REAL INTERNETS POLL.

    • gocart mozart

      He will nail himself to a cross of goldline stock.

  • Ian

    This piece by Andrew Hudgins led me to see Piss Christ as one of the most powerful Christian icons I know. I say that unironically as a Christian.

    If we did not know it was cow’s blood and urine,
    if we did not know that Serrano had for weeks
    hoarded his urine in a plastic vat,
    if we did not know the cross was gimcrack plastic,
    we would assume it was too beautiful.
    We would assume it was the resurrection,
    glory, Christ transformed to light by light
    because the blood and urine burn like a halo,
    and light, as always, light makes it beautiful.

    We are born between the urine and the feces,
    Augustine says, and so was Christ, if there was a Christ,
    skidding into this world as we do
    on a tide of blood and urine. Blood, feces, urine—
    what the fallen world is made of, and what we make.
    He peed, ejaculated, shat, wept, bled—
    bled under Pontius Pilate, and I assume
    the mutilated god, the criminal,
    humiliated god, voided himself
    on the cross and the blood and urine smeared his legs
    and he ascended bodily unto heaven,
    and on the third day he rose into glory, which
    is what we see here, the Piss Christ in glowing blood:
    the whole irreducible point of the faith,
    God thrown in human waste, submerged and shining.

    We have grown used to beauty without horror.
    We have grown used to useless beauty.

    • I believe that was the intent of the artist, too. But conservatives, blinded by their slavish devotion to post-modernism and drowning in their bastardized version of French theory, of course think that the intent of the artist is an invalid concept.

    • Amen.

    • Jon H

      If it was titled “Christ in Amber”, nobody would have protested.

  • 2) give the “I have a Dream” speech in pig latin.

    only if he does it in Al Jolson black face.

    • calling all toasters

      What, no fright wig?

    • RedSquareBear

      Oh mammy! I’ve got a dream mammy!

    • sparks

      …and sings “Goin’ To Heaven On A Mule” while he does a shuffle, interspersing a few “Yowsah Yowsah”s into the song.

  • JoshA

    Wouldn’t “Piss Rice” make more sense? More topical, sort of rhymes.

    I suppose not a lot of Susan Rice figuerines out there.

    • It’s Glenn Beck; he’d use an Aunt Jemima bottle and never notice the difference.

      • Jon H

        If he does anything with an Aunt Jemima bottle, there will probably be two wetsuits involved.

  • cpinva

    i am humbled by this comment thread.

    glenn beck, a man that stupid men see as witty. successful in his grift, scamming the rubes of their cash. took it a bit too far, now desperate to be even erick (son of erick) erickson relevant. cast out by even FOX, which tells you just how far off the deep end he went. he’ll be calling for jfk’s impeachment, because of the failed bay of pig’s invasion. recovering alcoholic? too many dead brain cells already. he wept, for no apparent reason. too many dead brain cells.

  • Jon H

    It’s only a matter of time until Beck escalates this new tendency and tapes himself squirting paint out of his ass onto books by Alinsky.

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