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Impersonating someone can be a federal offense

[ 40 ] November 25, 2012 |

SEK is inside his apartment being forced (by proximity) to listen to children playing basketball on the court adjacent to his porch.

CHILD #1: Pass the ball!

CHILD #2: I’M RAY ALLEN!

CHILD #1: Pass the damn ball!

CHILD #2: I’M RAY ALLEN!

SEK’S PORCH: I’VE BEEN HIT!

SEK: What the—

SEK exits his apartment and looks at his porch. On the ground is a shattered pot and another plant that will inevitably not survive re-potting at this time of year. There is also a basketball. SEK picks up the basketball and looks at the children on the court.

SEK: Which one of you is “RAY ALLEN”?

CHILD #1: What do you mean?

SEK: I mean, which one of you is “RAY ALLEN”?

CHILD #2: Not us.

SEK: Have a good night then.

CHILD #1: What about our ball? Can we have it back?

SEK: This isn’t your ball.

CHILD #1: It is.

SEK: So you’re “RAY ALLEN”?

CHILD #2: No one’s “RAY ALLEN”! Now give us back our ball!

SEK: This ball belongs to “RAY ALLEN.” If you’re not “RAY ALLEN,” this isn’t your ball.

SEK enters his apartment with “RAY ALLEN”‘s ball. Ten minutes pass. His doorbell rings. Standing at the door is an OLDER WOMAN with a firm grip on CHILD #2′s arm.

OLDER WOMAN: My son has something to say to you. (OLDER WOMAN elbows CHILD #2)

CHILD #2: I’m—

OLDER WOMAN: Say it!

CHILD #2: I’M RAY ALLEN!

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Comments (40)

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  1. C.S. says:

    Y’know, that was kind of a dick move on your part.

  2. Jim Lynch says:

    Yeah. You’re a mean Mr. Mustard, you are.

  3. LosGatosCA says:

    Also, too, get Ray Allen off his damn lawn.

  4. y’know, Ray Allen probably wouldn’t have missed that shot.

  5. Benjamin says:

    Ray Allen wishes he had that youth and gumption.

  6. McAllen says:

    From the way the story was going I was sort of expecting a huge crowd of children to all stand up and claim to be Ray Allen.

  7. Pinko Punko says:

    Don’t poke the little bears!

  8. Manju says:

    Bird denied a lot of stuff too.

  9. Lyanna says:

    Dick move or not, I approve.

  10. Warren Terra says:

    Did RAY ALLEN apologize for the dead flowerpot and the dying vegetation?

  11. Andy says:

    OLDER WOMAN is officially awesome.

    We all need more OLDER WOMAN in our lives.

  12. Colette says:

    I’m the mother of a 4th-grade basketballin’ boy, although not any of the boys implicated in this story, and I approved this message.

  13. Andy says:

    and you really should consider buying RAY ALLEN a small Christmas gift to show him that there’s no shame in stepping up and taking responsibility. It might teach him a valuable lesson. It might make a difference. It might make a new friendship.

  14. Anderson says:

    Ray Allen is going to slash your tires, dude.

  15. e julius drivingstorm says:

    Good thing you don’t live on my golf course ’cause “I am Tiger Woods”.

  16. MikeJake says:

    You shouldn’t have given him the ball back until he agreed to commit to Big State.

  17. SEK says:

    (I should note that I’ve been dealing with insomnia by watching Rescue Me. Not that that’s relevant, assholes, but fuck you.)

  18. Jason says:

    I am somewhat surprised that kids today would still pretend to be Ray Allen.

  19. herr doktor bimler says:

    Did you ever discover which of the children was named SPALDING NBA?

  20. Otter says:

    As she walks away from SEK’s door, Older Woman shakes her head sadly and says, “Why couldn’t you just be World B. Free, like your father?”

  21. Barry Freed says:

    He was busted!

    Thanks for that SEK.

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