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Impersonating someone can be a federal offense

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SEK is inside his apartment being forced (by proximity) to listen to children playing basketball on the court adjacent to his porch.

CHILD #1: Pass the ball!

CHILD #2: I’M RAY ALLEN!

CHILD #1: Pass the damn ball!

CHILD #2: I’M RAY ALLEN!

SEK’S PORCH: I’VE BEEN HIT!

SEK: What the—

SEK exits his apartment and looks at his porch. On the ground is a shattered pot and another plant that will inevitably not survive re-potting at this time of year. There is also a basketball. SEK picks up the basketball and looks at the children on the court.

SEK: Which one of you is “RAY ALLEN”?

CHILD #1: What do you mean?

SEK: I mean, which one of you is “RAY ALLEN”?

CHILD #2: Not us.

SEK: Have a good night then.

CHILD #1: What about our ball? Can we have it back?

SEK: This isn’t your ball.

CHILD #1: It is.

SEK: So you’re “RAY ALLEN”?

CHILD #2: No one’s “RAY ALLEN”! Now give us back our ball!

SEK: This ball belongs to “RAY ALLEN.” If you’re not “RAY ALLEN,” this isn’t your ball.

SEK enters his apartment with “RAY ALLEN”‘s ball. Ten minutes pass. His doorbell rings. Standing at the door is an OLDER WOMAN with a firm grip on CHILD #2’s arm.

OLDER WOMAN: My son has something to say to you. (OLDER WOMAN elbows CHILD #2)

CHILD #2: I’m—

OLDER WOMAN: Say it!

CHILD #2: I’M RAY ALLEN!

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  • C.S.

    Y’know, that was kind of a dick move on your part.

    • SEK

      Yes. But since my porch is currently an unwilling participant in a reenactment of the Battle of Britain, I don’t really feel too bad.

      • Jason

        is Ray Allen flying a Hurricane or a Messerschmidt in this scenario?

    • seeker6079

      The fact that holding some little sod accountable for smashing things is seen as a “dick move” is one of the reasons we have so many little sods instead of little kids.

  • Jim Lynch

    Yeah. You’re a mean Mr. Mustard, you are.

  • LosGatosCA

    Also, too, get Ray Allen off his damn lawn.

  • I’M RAY ALLEN, AND SO IS MY WIFE!

  • y’know, Ray Allen probably wouldn’t have missed that shot.

  • Benjamin

    Ray Allen wishes he had that youth and gumption.

  • McAllen

    From the way the story was going I was sort of expecting a huge crowd of children to all stand up and claim to be Ray Allen.

    • heckblazer

      “I’m Ray Allen!”
      “No, I’m Ray Allen!”

      • Quercus

        No, I’m Shuttlesworth.

        Wait, did I get that right?

    • Halloween Jack

      None of us are Spartacus!

  • Don’t poke the little bears!

  • Manju

    Bird denied a lot of stuff too.

  • Lyanna

    Dick move or not, I approve.

  • Warren Terra

    Did RAY ALLEN apologize for the dead flowerpot and the dying vegetation?

    • SEK

      No. But his mother gave me $10 to replace the $30 plant he destroyed.

  • Andy

    OLDER WOMAN is officially awesome.

    We all need more OLDER WOMAN in our lives.

    • Halloween Jack

      Ben Franklin would approve.

      • (the other) Davis

        They really are so grateful!

  • Colette

    I’m the mother of a 4th-grade basketballin’ boy, although not any of the boys implicated in this story, and I approved this message.

  • Andy

    and you really should consider buying RAY ALLEN a small Christmas gift to show him that there’s no shame in stepping up and taking responsibility. It might teach him a valuable lesson. It might make a difference. It might make a new friendship.

  • Anderson

    Ray Allen is going to slash your tires, dude.

    • SEK

      I gave him back his ball. He’ll be fine. And if he does slash my tires, well, I wouldn’t want to be the one who faces his mother when I complain about my tires being slashed, and I got the distinct impression he wouldn’t want to be either.

      • Jyestha

        “Ray Allen” is not going to slash your tires but it might happen anyway.

      • rea

        I wouldn’t want to be the one who faces his mother when I complain about my tires being slashed

        Dude, how are you going to do that without facing her?

        • Manju

          heh

    • herr doktor bimler

      More likely, SEK will wake up to discover that he has monsters all over him.

  • e julius drivingstorm

    Good thing you don’t live on my golf course ’cause “I am Tiger Woods”.

  • MikeJake

    You shouldn’t have given him the ball back until he agreed to commit to Big State.

  • SEK

    (I should note that I’ve been dealing with insomnia by watching Rescue Me. Not that that’s relevant, assholes, but fuck you.)

  • Jason

    I am somewhat surprised that kids today would still pretend to be Ray Allen.

    • SEK

      He’s on the Heat, that’s all they know.

      • BW

        Even that’s surprising for kids in southern California. Knowing LA fans, I’d have imagined that their pickup games would be staffed by ten Kobe Bryants…

        • Timb

          No ONE wants to be Kobe

  • herr doktor bimler

    Did you ever discover which of the children was named SPALDING NBA?

  • Otter

    As she walks away from SEK’s door, Older Woman shakes her head sadly and says, “Why couldn’t you just be World B. Free, like your father?”

  • CaptBackslap

    Ray Allen is a decent human being.

  • Barry Freed

    He was busted!

    Thanks for that SEK.

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