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A Coal CEO’s Prayer

[ 41 ] November 8, 2012 |

My new favorite post-election reaction goes to Robert E. Murray, CEO of Murray Energy. He sent this prayer to America out to his workers, followed by his view of the nation’s future:

Dear Lord:

The American people have made their choice. They have decided that America must change its course, away from the principals of our Founders. And, away from the idea of individual freedom and individual responsibility. Away from capitalism, economic responsibility, and personal acceptance.

We are a Country in favor of redistribution, national weakness and reduced standard of living and lower and lower levels of personal freedom.

My regret, Lord, is that our young people, including those in my own family, never will know what America was like or might have been. They will pay the price in their reduced standard of living and, most especially, reduced freedom.

The takers outvoted the producers. In response to this, I have turned to my Bible and in II Peter, Chapter 1, verses 4-9 it says, “To faith we are to add goodness; to goodness, knowledge; to knowledge, self control; to self control, perseverance; to perseverance, godliness; to godliness, kindness; to brotherly kindness, love.”

Lord, please forgive me and anyone with me in Murray Energy Corp. for the decisions that we are now forced to make to preserve the very existence of any of the enterprises that you have helped us build. We ask for your guidance in this drastic time with the drastic decisions that will be made to have any hope of our survival as an American business enterprise.

Amen.

Mr. Murray’s Outline of America’s Future:

What I foresee in America, by Robert E. Murray:

- Drastically reduced economic activity

- Reduced electric power consumption

- Even more drastically reduced coal markets with even worse coal pricing

- Total destruction of the coal industry by 2030

- Enactment of 12 regulations pending from the Obama Administration from the U.S. EPA alone

- Per Sen. James Inhofe, three (3) regulations – greenhouse gas, utility MACT and coal ash – will cost America $600 billion alone

- Likely a carbon tax will be forced to subsidize the government and “receivers” (Obama supporters) in the total destruction of the coal industry, again, the latter as early as 2030

- All coal companies are performing drastically worse than their CEOs and Boards want to report, and this is understandable with their concerns for their stock prices and refinancing

- Most public companies will not be able to continue to emphasize any positive that they have, while avoiding the negatives in their statements and opinions

- The markets will soon take this ability away from these public CEOs and Directors

- Of course, private companies will abandon this business

- We must prepare for this today, and we cannot bleed cash waiting for our competitors to be eliminated

- We must totally go into a survival mode and generate all the cash that we can from whatever we still have left that can help us

- We must tear down all structures in Murray Energy and reassemble them

- While putting Murray Energy into a survival mode, I will be fighting allegations from radical Obama supporters that you know are blatantly false and were inspired only to shut down our opposition to them on behalf of our employees, your area, and our country

- We must be passionate and austere in all that we do.

Murray Energy Corp.

Robert E. Murray

Chairman, President and Chief Executive Officer

I believe the Good Lord is also telling us all to pull our money from the banks and invest in gold, no?

I’ve also heard that the supernatural sometimes speaks to miners and their families too, with someone different messages.

……The Lord God Jehovah has spoken in the comments and she’s not super thrilled with Murray:

Lord, please forgive me and anyone with me in Murray Energy Corp. for the decisions that we are now forced to make to preserve the very existence of any of the enterprises that you have helped us build.

If you mean the decision to break safety laws, a decision that led to nine of my children dying needlessly, well, Bob, I would not be counting on my forgiveness. See, Bob, I have you a book, that you claim to have read. And Bob, I talk a lot in it about protecting the poor and weak. And I have a good deal to say in that book about what I have planned for those who fuck over the poor and weak. And Bob, I don’t normally swear, except for when I’m angry. And what you did makes me very, very angry, Bob.

Now kindly shut the fuck up, before I get smitey.

Comments (41)

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  1. Murc says:

    Am I the only one who reads every bullet point on that list and, except for the first, thinks “I’m not only okay with, but enthusiastically in favor of, all these things coming to pass.”

    • Malaclypse says:

      He does have some good ideas in that list. I hope real Obama is every bit as effective as imaginary Obama.

      • That’s a pretty high bar, Mal.

        Imaginary Obama has a secret plan to take everyone’s guns away and put Christians in camps, and the total nothingburger on gun control for his entire first term was a clever head fake.

        Imaginary Obama can get elected President of a country full of people that hate him, with the help of the New Black Panther Party and those people who try to get people in the projects to sign petitions.

        Nearly three generations as a global superpower, the largest economy in the world, the Mississippi River Valley – and Imaginary Obama killed the whole thing.

        That guy is badass.

        Real Obama is cool and all, but come on.

  2. Logistics says:

    “. . . that you have helped us build.”

    You didn’t build that!

  3. The Lord God Jehovah says:

    Lord, please forgive me and anyone with me in Murray Energy Corp. for the decisions that we are now forced to make to preserve the very existence of any of the enterprises that you have helped us build.

    If you mean the decision to break safety laws, a decision that led to nine of my children dying needlessly, well, Bob, I would not be counting on my forgiveness. See, Bob, I have you a book, that you claim to have read. And Bob, I talk a lot in it about protecting the poor and weak. And I have a good deal to say in that book about what I have planned for those who fuck over the poor and weak. And Bob, I don’t normally swear, except for when I’m angry. And what you did makes me very, very angry, Bob.

    Now kindly shut the fuck up, before I get smitey.

  4. DocAmazing says:

    Dear Lord,

    My regret is that young people will not heve the experience of chronic lung dieases to strengthen them, nor the bracing effect of child labor to educate them. However, as I made my piloe already, I’m ’bout ready to shuffle off to Puerta Vallarta. With me, Lord?

  5. CaptBackslap says:

    Translation: “I’m going to screw you all over and blame the black guy for it.”

    • Jon says:

      These boys from Bain that I brought in for a look-see have told me that, unfortunately, I must, with great regret, close down this mine. Because of Obama.

  6. ploeg says:

    1 And the twelve government officials came forth to read the twelve regulations.

    2 And Obama said, “Go!” And the first government official read the first regulation.

    3 And electric power was stricken from the computers on the Internet, and from the espresso machines, and there was much gnashing of clothes and rending of teeth.

    4 And Obama said, “Go!” And the second government official read the second regulation.

    5 And electric power was stricken from the lights on the highways and bridges, and cars and trucks went over the sides thereof, and the passengers fell into the waters, and the fish of the lakes ate the substance thereof.

    6 And Obama said, “Go!” And the third government official read the third regulation.

    7 And electric power was stricken from the streets, and thieves went forth from the darkness to burgle the homes of the innocent and redistribute the contents unto themselves.

  7. ajs says:

    …the company is headquartered on CHAGRIN AVE.

  8. John Protevi says:

    The American people have made their choice. They have decided that America must change its course, away from the principals of our Founders.

    Apparently they have also decided that “principles” should now be spelled “principals.”

  9. djw says:

    Total destruction of the coal industry by 2030

    Call me a starry-eyed optimist if you will, but I think we can beat this

    • jmauro says:

      It won’t be government regulations that do this though. Natural Gas is cleaning coal’s clock at this point.

      Somehow when the market lets your company succeed it’s awesome because you’re awesome, but when the market decided you’re company isn’t worth keeping around it’s the government’s fault, because I’m too awesome to fail.

  10. NonyNony says:

    All coal companies are performing drastically worse than their CEOs and Boards want to report, and this is understandable with their concerns for their stock prices and refinancing

    Wait – this is in the present tense.

    Is Murray actually admitting that he’s cooking his books to screw over his shareholders? Or is he just saying that in the next year or so he’s going to start cooking his books to screw over his shareholders?

    • BigHank53 says:

      Yeah, it’s got nothing whatsoever to do with electric utilities pulling out their old coal boilers and replacing them with natural-gas boilers that are cleaner and more reliable. Nope! Total coincidence! It’s really Obama’s fault!

  11. Hogan says:

    Did someone say “coal CEO praying“?

  12. While putting Murray Energy into a survival mode, I will be fighting allegations from radical Obama supporters that you know are blatantly false and were inspired only to shut down our opposition to them on behalf of our employees, your area, and our country

    What is talking about there?

  13. Sharon says:

    So Murray is praying for more mercury in our lungs, rivers, and yards?

    The MACT regulation was written during the Bush administration for Chrissake.

  14. The Dark Avenger says:

    A response to an earlier version of this letter.

    Abner Scofield
    Coal Dealer
    Buffalo, New York

    I have the honor, as per command, to inform you that your recent act of benevolence and self-sacrifice has been recorded upon a page of the Book called Golden Deeds of Men; a distinction, I am permitted to remark, which is not merely extraordinary, it is unique.
    As regards your prayers, for the week ending the 19th, I have the honor to report as follows:
    1. For weather to advance hard coal 15 cents a ton. Granted.
    2. For influx of laborers to reduce wages 10 percent. Granted.
    3. For a break in rival soft-coal prices. Granted.
    4. For a visitation upon the man, or upon the family of the man, who has set up a competing retail coal-yard in Rochester. Granted, as follows: diphtheria, 2, 1 fatal; scarlet fever, 1, to result in deafness and imbecility, Note. This prayer should have been directed against this subordinate’s principals, the N. Y. Central R. R. Co.
    5. For deportation to Sheol of annoying swarms of persons who apply daily for work, or for favors of one sort or another. Taken under advisement for later decision and compromise, this petition appearing to conflict with another one of same date, which will be cited further along.
    6. For application of some form of violent death to neighbor who threw brick at family cat, whilst the same was serenading. Reserved for consideration and compromise because of conflict with a prayer of even date to be cited further along.
    7. To “damn the missionary cause.” Reserved also — as above.
    8. To increase December profits of $22,230 to $45,000 for January, and perpetuate a proportionate monthly increase thereafter — “which will satisfy you.” The prayer granted, the added remark accepted with reservations.
    9. For cyclone, to destroy the works and fill up the mine of the North Pennsylvania Co. NOTE: Cyclones are not kept in stock in the winter season. A reliable article of firedamp can be furnished upon application.
    Especial note is made of the above list, they being of particular moment. The 298 remaining supplications classifiable under the head of Special Providences, Schedule A, for week ending 19th, are granted in a body, except that 3 of the 32 cases requiring immediate death have been modified to incurable disease.
    This completes the week’s invoice of petitions known to this office under the technical designation of Secret Supplications of the Heart, and which, for a reason which may suggest itself, always receive our first and especial attention.

  15. Major Kong says:

    But! But! Every time I mention electric cars some conservative tells me they’re bad because COAL!!!

  16. Unsympathetic says:

    1) The key phrase in that bullet point about profits is “want to report” — translation: You people who dare demand a minimum wage are keeping me from paying myself 500 times your annual salary, because I must purchase and slay a unicorn each year.

    2) If he wants to donate his failing company back to the state, I’m sure the state would be willing to pay him the princely sum of $1. utilities owned by municipalities does work.

    3) I like how this guy used “austerity” in a sentence. He probably doesn’t know that it doesn’t exist as an economic concept.

    • DocAmazing says:

      I like how this guy used “austerity” in a sentence. He probably doesn’t know that it doesn’t exist as an economic concept.

      He probably thinks that it refers to people who come from Vienna.

  17. Left_Wing_Fox says:

    Shorter Murray: I am an incompetent business owner who cannot change my business to shift to a changing marketplace. Have sympathy for me, despite the fact that I only profit when I shit on you all.

  18. Julia Grey says:

    How is it that all these Republican heroes write as if they are looking forward to their “works” appearing in a particularly solemn commemorative history book in the future, entitled The Ultimate Conservative Triumph? So grandiose. So ponderous.

    Delusions of grandeur seem to rise up from all these overwrought declarations…

    …like the stink from people who always overdress yet think it’s unnecessary to bathe.

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