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The Daily Caller: Copulating with the Dessicated Corpse of Parody

[ 91 ] June 16, 2012 |

And you thought a wacko interrupting the president was the most embarrassing thing that would happen to The Daily Caller this week.

Not even close.

This is quite literally one of the stupidest things I’ve ever read.

Bryce Harper is a conservative hero. The star rookie for the Washington Nationals has woken up Major League Baseball, and watching it unfold has reminded me of nothing so much as the collapse of the old political paradigms and the inevitable and upcoming rebirth of conservatism in November.

This became clear to me on May 26 of this year. The Nationals were playing Atlanta, and in the fifth inning Harper, with his team leading by two, singled to right. The ball was hit to Braves right fielder Jason Heyward. Heyward strolled up to the ball as if he were walking to the corner for a paper.

Harper promptly headed for second base. Heyward suddenly woke up and fired to second base, but too late.

More than one sports writer has noted that this moment was no small thing for baseball. It was like the part in the movie “Awakenings” when the guy who was asleep for 30 years wakes up.

To me, the play carried even greater symbolic importance. Heyward’s bungle showed a complacency, if not indolence, that Harper threatens to destroy, but it also could be a metaphor for the collapse of the old liberal order. Heyward was like one of those public school teachers who, because they are a union member, can’t be fired and so are relegated to the “rubber room” to sit and read the paper and gather a check for the rest of their lives. Or even Obama, who went from Hawaii to Harvard to the White House and never seems to have had to slide head-first into a base his entire life.

Believe it or not, it actually gets much worse from there!!! Including this gem of a paragraph:

If America is to be solvent and healthy, we cannot keep doing what we have been doing since the Miracle Mets won the World Series in 1969. We have to do things differently, just as Bryce Harper is not playing baseball the old way. Harper is not going to sit back and accept what the status quo tells him to accept (where does he get off stealing home?). And conservatives are not going to expect to retire at age 65 or to send their kids to the college of their choice if it costs $50,000 a year. We are going to adapt. (In a strange way, conservatives are not only like Bryce Harper, but have become like the do-it-yourself punk rockers of the late 1970s and early 1980s. Don’t have a record label? Start your own. Are the old rock groups bloated and sloppy? Boot them off the stage.) Meanwhile, liberals occupy everything so that they can demand — what was it again? Oh yeah, peace. And taxes.

I have no expectations of good work from any conservative outlet in 2012. But even expecting this to be awful, I was completely blown away. I mean there is no way that the greatest comedy writer in America could create a parody of the conservative worldview better than this.

….In comments, Kathleen notes, “It would have been better if he said, “Heyward strolled up to the ball as if he were a young buck sidling up to the checkout counter to purchase T bone steaks with food stamps”. SEK said more or less the same thing. Showing that because my first impulse is to look for class bias, I can sometimes miss the obvious racism.

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  1. SEK says:

    You should note that despite the fact that Heywood’s black and Harper’s white, this has nothing to do with racism.

    • c u n d gulag says:

      And Jeter, who has hustled every damn play for 17 seasons, is half-Nigrah like the President – so, I guess he doesn’t count.

      And so have countless other players – black, white, yellow, red, and in somewhere in between all of those shadings.

      Also too – this makes George Will and David Brooks writing about sports sound positively enlightening.

      Also three – I’d like this moron to explain his “subtext” about his race theories and hustling to Frank Robinson, and see how long it takes Frank to knock his rather empty head into the Centerfield bleachers.

      THIS IS EPIC!!!

  2. Kathleen says:

    It would have been better if he said, “Heyward strolled up to the ball as if he were a young buck sidling up to the checkout counter to purchase T bone steaks with food stamps”. (Provided Heyward were “blah…”, of course.)

  3. Big Dry says:

    I am unsurprised that a conservative would consider legalized stealing a virtue.

  4. Walt says:

    The problem with this post, Erik, is that you will read something stupider next week, and something even stupider the week after that. There is no bottom here. Their capacity for stupidity far outmatches our capacity to imagine it.

  5. Bay Lib says:

    He must be right about one thing:

    “..conservatives are not going to expect to retire at age 65 or to send their kids to the college of their choice if it costs $50,000 a year.”

    Instead, they are going to work til they are 80 because they can’t afford medical insurance. Plus they don’t need no stinking elite colleges because they will home-school their kids so they can all be entrepreneurs and set up businesses making … er.. mm..er… making something or other …er… so they will all be millionaires.

  6. Linnaeus says:

    Or even Obama, who went from Hawaii to Harvard to the White House and never seems to have had to slide head-first into a base his entire life.

    As opposed to that hard-knock life that Obama’s predecessor had…

  7. Erin W says:

    This sounds like the time they tried to explain that The Who’s music was inherently conservative. I guess entertainment, like reality, has its bias.

      • c u n d gulag says:

        Well, in all fairness, The Who DID destroy stages and hotel rooms – kind of like Conservatives destroy things like rights, economies, and laws, so I can see how they might think that.

        • J R in WV says:

          The Who owned a hotel in NYC so they would have a place to stay, because none of the other hotels would put them up. I learned this from my spouse who did labor negotiations, they rented a suite at the place because it was organized, and the union wouldn’t work with a non-organized hotel. I forget the name, darn it!

          They didn’t trash their own hotel, probably because they were growing up a little, as opposed to because it cost them money… it cost them more at other hotels who charged them a markup on the repair costs.

  8. FlipYrWhig says:

    Oddly enough, I don’t remember conservatives attempting to claim metaphorical credit for the emergence of Ichiro Suzuki, also known for a throwback style. I wonder why that would be.

  9. DrDick says:

    The Doily Collar is where the rejects from Breitbart’s House of Poo go to decompose.

  10. greylocks says:

    Harper was all hustle today against the Wankees:

    AB: 7
    R: 0
    H: 0
    RBI: 0
    BB: 0
    SO: 5
    LOB: 5

    • Erik Loomis says:

      That box score looks much like Bush’s foreign policy

    • howard says:

      i just spent 5 minutes looking up game accounts of the braves-nationals on may 26.

      to non-insane people, as several different writeups all said, harper hit a ball to right, heyward bobbled it and didn’t hustle after it, and harper took second and life continued on its merry way, in that taking second aggressively if the right fielder is slow pursuing a ball to him has been part of baseball for the 52 years i’ve been watching the game.

      of course, c u n dgulag, speaking of stats, the yanks started the game a brutal 0-14 with risp before finally breaking through there.

    • Scott Lemieux says:

      He also spent a lot of time bitching at umpires while he was taking the platinum sombrero. Very Republican.

      • Anonymous says:

        Yeah, Harper’s crybaby act was pretty nauseating. F.P. Santangelo, the Nats excellent TV color analyst, said that either Davey or a few of the veterans in the clubhouse will probably take Harper aside and tell him to apologize to Timmons ASAP, if they want to get any calls tomorrow.

        That said, Timmons did miss a huge call at home plate in the bottom of the 8th that likely cost the Nats the game. Moore was safe by a mile; Martin’s glove didn’t hit him until most of his forearm was across the plate. And I say that as a Yanks fan.

        • Scott Lemieux says:

          That call was atrocious, but I’m also inclined to think that if you can’t score off of the decomposing corpse of Freddie Garcia you deserve your fate.

          It’s awesome that F.P. Santangelo is doing color; one of my obscure favorites.

        • c u n d gulag says:

          Yup, as a fellow Yankee fan, I have to agree – that was an awful call!
          The replay showed he was safe by a mile.

          From what I remember of the play, I thought he was out of position to make that call.

          As Moore started his slide, it looked like Timmons realizes he’s potentially in the way of his slide, and leaps away from his path. I think he might have turned his head for a split-second, and lost sight of either the ball, and/or where Moore’s hand was, and decided to call him out.
          Why?
          I don’t know.
          Ask him.

  11. Darkrose says:

    And here I thought Bryce Harper was a convervative hero because he’s an arrogant, showboating jerk with a temper.

    (Disclaimer: For all a know, Bryce Harper is a perfectly nice young man. It’s just that when I compare him to other young amazing ballplayers–say, Madison Bumgarner–he comes off as kind of a douchebro.)

    (Disclaimer 2: And yes, I’m aware that the Giants have a stunningly transparent house in the shape of the number 25 when compiling lists of arrogant ballplayers.)

    • efgoldman says:

      …because he’s an arrogant, showboating jerk with a temper.

      I haven’t seen that much of Harper (being in an AL city) but I certainly didn’t get any of that vibe when they played the Red Sox the other week.
      Plus Bumgarner is a pitcher, no?
      I’d sure take all his arrogance and showboating!
      Sometime in the 80s, Bill James wrote that (position) players who come up at 19, and are healthy, mostly become HOF-ers.

      • John Protevi says:

        Sometime in the 80s, Bill James wrote that (position) players who come up at 19, and are healthy, mostly become HOF-ers.

        Very interesting. The examples that spring most readily to mind include Ted Williams, Al Kaline, Ken Griffey Jr, and Alex Rodriguez. And didn’t Pudge Rodriguez come up at 19 too?

        • howard says:

          i believe it was age 20, not 19, that james referenced, and the examples, as i recall, went back to mel ott.

          and if i further recall, the context was talking about reuben sierra, who turned out to be the exception to the rule.

      • Anonymous says:

        Harper has had issues with inappropriately expressing anger by doing things like slamming his bat into a wall and then being surprised when it bounces back and hits him in the face.

        Bumgarner is indeed a pitcher. He’s relatively quiet, low-key guy; more like Matt than Timmy. And despite being 22, the attention of being in the majors hasn’t made him crazy. He goes out and does his job, and goes home to his wife and their cow. From everything I’ve seen, he’s an utter sweetheart.

    • Warren Terra says:

      I thought the Conservative Hero Baseball Player was John Rocker.

  12. Darkrose says:

    Bryce Harper steals home = challenging the status quo

    Gregor Blanco steals home = doesn’t count because…?

    • greylocks says:

      While I’m sure it wouldn’t count in any case for the reasons you hint at, I’m also pretty sure Mark Judge has no fkn clue who Gregor Blanco is.

      His ignorance of baseball screams from the article.

  13. tech98 says:

    And conservatives are not going to expect to retire at age 65 or to send their kids to the college of their choice if it costs $50,000 a year. We are going to adapt.

    It looks as if conservatives can no longer stomach the Reaganesque pretense that their ideology will increase living standards for the average person, and are now spinning to the rubes that not being able to retire or send your kids to college is MURKAN FREEDUMB.

    • thebewilderness says:

      Any talk of supply side economics or trickle down is dangerous territory.

    • Joshua says:

      It’s not just American freedom. It’s that doing stuff like educating your kids, retiring with dignity, and seeing a doctor when you’re sick is for those dirty libs and we aren’t dirty libs so we don’t do that. They’ve swallowed their bullshit whole. The suffering makes them better than those who demand more.

  14. Mike G says:

    He forgot to mention how the transit of Venus symbolized the righteousness of upper-bracket tax cuts.

    Change the context from ‘conservatism’ to ‘Juche’ and this would fit nicely in the Pyongyang Korean People’s Daily. Authoritarian-follower right-wingers have more in common with dogmatic communists than they do with moderates.

  15. Kyle Huckins says:

    Considering how much power conservatives have gained since 1969 he is not wrong about how we cannot continue to do what we’ve done since 1969. They honestly don’t realize they’ve been in charge.

  16. thebewilderness says:

    I thought stealing home was a metaphor for stealing elections, which he appears to think is exactly what is going to happen. Again.

  17. R. Porrofatto says:

    …conservatives are not only like Bryce Harper, but have become like the do-it-yourself punk rockers of the late 1970s and early 1980s. Don’t have a record label? Start your own.

    Better yet, start your own video game company! With a honkin’ big gubbmint handout!

    (Speaking of ballplayers and hustle.)

  18. LeeEsq says:

    Conservative and punk are two words which should rarely if ever share the same sentence.

  19. Incontinentia Buttocks says:

    There’s something about arrogant white guys playing baseball that warms the cockles of rightwing hearts. Ever seen 4192, the official Pete Rose documentary hagiographic film?

    Turns out that Pete Rose pretty much is America.

  20. montag says:

    Can’t fool me.

    That wasn’t about baseball.

  21. You know, this actually does make some level of sense. First of all, it’s a very foolish thing to do, because the cost of getting thrown out at second far exceeds the value of taking the extra base. Secondly, even if successful, it basically never works again because it only succeeds because the opponent isn’t expecting it. So dumb, not worth much, and something you have to luck your way into. Sounds like a conservative idea to me!

  22. NBarnes says:

    As a passionate baseball fan, I am deeply offended by the ignorance of my beloved sport displayed in this piece of amateurish propaganda. I’m also offended by the calumnies perpetrated against my liberalism, but the way in which baseball is being abused by someone that neither knows nor loves it is simply infuriating.

    • c u n d gulag says:

      Next time he’s up, BEAN HIM!

      • c u n d gulag says:

        Oh, right, he doesn’t play.

        And probably never has – or at least hasn’t since his older brother plunked him in the ribs in a backyard wiffle-ball game, and he went crying to his Mommy.

        He just took boiler-plate Conservative BS, and applied it to a great sport, and a potentially great young player.

  23. Tiny Hermaphrodite says:

    dessicated s/b desiccated

  24. c u n d gulag says:

    And why is this blithering Conservative feckin’ idjit writing about Baseball?

    Baseball is the Liberal’s sport!

    I thought Football was the Conservative sport?
    At least, as described by the late, GREAT, George Carlin:
    http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/80567818/

    And who doesn’t want a little Carlin on a Sunday morning?

  25. vacuumslayer says:

    Demanding peace is so faggy.

  26. joe from Lowell says:

    Batters advance to second base when they catch an outfielder sleeping many times over the course of a baseball season.

    This guy, who seems to think he witnessed something noteworthy, is a poseur who doesn’t know anything about baseball.

    • greylocks says:

      Sometimes, too, they advance to second base even when the batter has yet to hit the ball and the pitcher, catcher, first baseman and second baseman are all paying keen attention.

  27. Matt says:

    And conservatives are not going to expect to retire at age 65 or to send their kids to the college of their choice if it costs $50,000 a year. We are going to adapt.

    Shorter Daily Caller: “And by ‘adapt’, we mean that the 10% of the party that actually benefits from their policies will laugh all the way to the bank, and the gobshites who make up the rest will suffer terribly while they continue to believe that it’s all the fault of ‘those people’ and/or the will of Sky Jeebus.”

  28. njorl says:

    The Daily Caller: Copulating with the Dessicated Corpse of Parody

    They thought it was a penguin.

  29. [...] (typeof(addthis_share) == "undefined"){ addthis_share = [];}In the rich conservative tradition of declaring Bryce Harper a conservative hero because he plays hard unlike those black Democrats like J…, I bring you the brilliant Conservapedia entry on “Overrated Sports Stars.” Although [...]

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