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The Most Oppressed Group in Human History


The European Tourist:

“No-smoking areas? It’s incredible!” said Michael Kuntze, a 59-year-old German day care manager who was savoring a long cigar and sipping rum and cola in the Hotel Conde de Villanueva, home to one of the city’s most popular cigar rooms.

Kuntze and six other smokers from Hamburg were on a nine-day tobacco tour, sampling more than three cigars daily and selecting 50 each to bring home.

“That (no-smoking ordinances) is what we have in Europe, in Germany, but we don’t want this here,” he said, as aromatic smoke rose from the thick ash at the end of his stogie. “This is why we are here. Not to sit inside a small smoking lounge, no. Never.”

I’m sure those of you who have traveled in the developing world will agree that it’s hard to even imagine a group that faces such oppression as the Euro tourist. Between the swearing that makes even an American blush, the Irish pubs in every tourist town with hard-partying Europeans who travel to Guatemala or Thailand to only drink in Irish pubs, the rise of drug tourism in places like Laos, and the sex tourism in nations ranging from Thailand to the Philippines to Costa Rica. And now, god forbid, smoking bans in some restaurants. I am outraged.

My god, will a ban on the music of Bob Marley in tourist towns be next?

And I do understand that Americans sometimes do these things to, but the American tourist and the European tourist are very different, most specifically in that the annoying American is afraid of any developing world place outside of Cancun whereas the annoying European is ubiquitous.

Via Colin.

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  • owlbear1

    It’s all Michael Palin’s fault!

    • ploeg

      Yes, with all that Watney’s Red Barrel and all….

      • And people from Rhyl, always with the singing of “Torremolinos, torremolinos.”

        • Bill Murray

          i don’t think that’s an Alarm song

  • blowback

    If I lived in the third world I’d rather have a German cigar smoker visit the country rather than the Americans who normally turn up in third world countries. If the German pisses me off, I could just spit in his coffee. It is somewhat harder to get rid of the most widely travelled Americans as normally you have to kill several hundred of them and lose many thousands of ones own countrymen.

    BTW, perhaps you would like to explain why the US is still occupying Germany than sixty years after the end of WW2 and twenty years after the main threat (which wasn’t really a threat) to Germany disappeared. Just who was the “expansionist power”?

    • Well…alright then.

    • Captain Splendid

      No, I’ll take a dozen clueless americans any day of the week and twice on sunday versus your typical euro still greasy with anti-colonial pride.

      And that’s just the tourists. If you’ve ever lived in heavy ex-pat territory, you know how bad they can really get.

      • “If you’ve ever lived in heavy ex-pat territory, you know how bad they can really get.”

        Truer words, etc.

        • Katya

          Nobody, anywhere, likes German tourists.

          • wengler

            The are pushy and more than willing to invade your personal space.

          • jackd

            I was at the Grand Canyon once, taking in a sunset view along with a couple hundred other tourists. It was a fair hike back to the lodge, so they ran a bus. As we shuffled up to board a few people were quite visibly pushing and shoving their way to get in first. I heard someone off to my side say, “Typisch Deutsch.”*

            *German for “Typical German.”

        • blowback

          Americans win every time!


          It’s like reading how life was such a bitch for Rudolf Hoess after his “retirement party” at Nuremberg.

  • You know in many countries they do not distinguish between Americans and Europeans. They are considered part of the same larger group. Here everybody from North America, South America, Europe, the Middle East, and South Asia is considered an Obruni. This includes even Black people from these regions.

    • pete

      Right. Wazungu are wazungu.

    • Matthew Stevens

      That reminds me of Richard Pryor asking an African, “If I was an African, what tribe would I be?” He looked him over and answered, “Italian.”

  • c u n d gulag

    My experience as a bartender in NYC, in bars, restaurants, and hotels, is that the French don’t tip.
    Even the ones on business trips, who are specifically told that they needed to do so.
    They just don’t/won’t tip.
    Every server in the city ran away from the tables that were heard speaking French. As a bartender, you had no choice.
    In a hotel I once worked in, we had 15 French IBM exec’s at the bar tables, drinking away. And they ran up close to a $600 tab. Now, at 10-15%, which is miserly in a bar, I should have walked away with at least $60 to $90.
    I got ZERO!
    And the hotel bar’s policy at the time didn’t allow you to add on a gratuity on large parties.
    So, if you were ever wondering where that 18% gratuity policy on parties over XX people came from, my guess is you could blame the French, and not be too wrong.

    The Germans and Slavs tipped ok.
    The Brit’s and Irish were really good tippers.

    Again – it’s a small sample size, and it’s from the 1980’s and early 90’s, but them’s my $.02 worth.

    • Furious Jorge


      Or, more specifically, Canadians wintering in Florida.

      Awful, awful tippers.

      • dsn

        We tip the sales tax. Its not our fault you guys have such low sales taxes.

  • Hogan

    Remember, people who live in tourist destinations: I don’t come there to follow *your* rules; I come there to not follow *any* rules. And you’re damn lucky to have me.

    Gringo T. Spillmydrink

    • DrDick

      Which is why we always called y’all “Damnedyankees” when I was growing up.

  • tucker

    Back in the day, I used to have “dreads” and it was never a problem until I opened my mouth or they saw my passport.

    It was problem getting back in to the good ole US of A though. Got strip searched in Dallas and multiple “who are you really?” on many occasion.

    • DrDick

      Heh. My son, who is half Cherokee, went to Padre Island with my parents one summer when he as in grade school. While they were there, they took a trip across into Mexico. US customs were not going to let him back in (the did not have his birth certificate with them), until one of the agents, who was from Oklahoma, spoke up on his behalf.

  • Trop Fort

    I’ve been wondering when European tourists would show up on the LGM list of people about whom it must be said that they just don’t measure up to standards.

    • It should have been understood that “European” was a subset of “hipster.”

  • Marek

    How awesome is it that a day care manager can afford a decent vacation, though?

    • Big Al

      Hell, he might even have granite countertops!

  • Jeremy

    Hey, how fortuitous. I happen to be in the Philippines now, with tons of German tourists and euro expats around.

    In my travels, the worst euro tourists are the ones that think it’s their solemn duty to tell the only American for a hundred miles everything that’s wrong with my country. Because, you know, I’m personally responsible for Bush invading Iraq.

    On the other hand, I had a great dinner with two old Germans and 2 Japanese divers. Great conversation, I even learned what schnitzel was.

  • scythia

    Eh, I can understand this. When I lived on the West Coast, I used to take weekend trips to Portland just to be able to smoke indoors.

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